Relearning Human: From cub to lion

It's insane how certain decisions when your an addict can really destroy your sobriety. I've been gone for a while from here and as a result...haven't been myself. At the core of my emotions when reflecting on who I am and where I am in my life is rage. I've finally spotted and identified it. I'm angry at the way my life is going, angry with people around me for having expectations, angry that I can't rise to the occasion for certain tasks. Angry that despite connecting with a woman in both an intimate and intellectual way I am unable to be truthful with her which as a result will carry into the relationship if it is to occur at all. Angry that I can't approach woman because I am too scared of who I am and how foreign a successful interaction with healthy woman is. Damn. Angry that I don't have any concrete direction I want my life to go in. Angry that I haven't received the recognition in my industry. Just mad...and I feel childish. Something has to change...and it starts inside of me.

When I returned to addiction I made the foolish decision to be a slave to a false reality. I think I am living a life worth living but it's an illusion or something similar to manic delusion. I owe it to myself...to live a sober and happier life. The truth is I am not happy with being limited. I may walk around with this feeling of normalcy and calm but anyone who hears me speak or spends time with me long enough can sense something unusual hiding behind closed doors. I am the manifestation of skeletons in the closet.

Hooked up with this girl at wedding I went to. That was a mistake. Having to accept that mistake has been the most painful thing ever because of the reality it comes with. I found out how uncomfortable I am with having sex with woman in an intimate environment. How averse I am to being connected in a capacity that is unfamiliar. The expectation of her wanting me to lead made me uncomfortable because I doubt myself when I have nothing in me. Her questioning the following days of why I was tense and so domineering and borderline selfish made me very defensive. Simply because her assessment was correct. The truth is I have a lot of work to do before I can be connected with a woman like her. Granted she has her only problems I am sure but none like mind I think...

I must be connected with the program and my higher power for the upcoming days. I need sobriety...I need God almighty. I am nothing without God and I will have nothing until I do so...

 

The decision to be sober means nothing at this stage. I was speaking to a fellow earlier and he mentioned being at such an advanced stage of addiction requires advanced treatment. I think accepting that I need God almighty's intervention and coming to believe that it can happen for me. It doesn't just start there though.

After texting that girl last night I hooked up with I realized that I am a slave to pleasure and fantasy. When I finally get it I'm either over ecstatic or numb to the novelty of it all. It will be the death of me. I need to get sobriety in me...not by my own unsteady will but by God's. There is a journey ahead of me which I cannot see but I will gladly travel it.

Back on my routine and calling my mentor later to fill him on the debauchery I engaged for the past 20 something odd days. Also scheduling readings for the day.

 

The answer is always so simple. My flesh complicates things.

On a meeting and planning on having a productive day. Recovery will be earned today just like yesterday. I could do better with edging and planning.

One thing that has been bothering me is what I am going to do. Since I left my job there are a series of ambitions that enter my mind but I wonder if it is more because I am in a panic and wonder all the time or if they are genuine pursuits. My mind sometimes goes back to engineering but then that causes anxiety. Now that I am thinking more of it...things that I am not good at give me a large layer of anxiety. I have to remember what the great Denzel Washington said, "at some point you will suck at something". All because I suck at something or feel insecure at not performing at something doesn't mean I have to remain that way. I can improve if I am willing to and there lies my power. I can and will improve if I make the commitment with my higher power to do so. So I am having faith in my ideas no matter how far gone they may seem. I will also have a plan B...

I've also realized that I am not as angry when I a sober. Thank God for that. My mind is not my mind for today and the host of defects that comes with the addiction and these 24hrs have been surrendered. Amen

 

Done playing games
Done smoking weed
Done drinking frivolously
Done being unlearned
Done being frustrated
Done being angry, spiteful, wrathful
Done making excuses
Done staying up knowing I have a duty to perform the next day
Done expecting life to compensate me
Done not taking charge of my spiritual recovery
Done with my ego
Done with my pride
Done running away.
Done hoping that porn will just leave my mind.
Done making unrealistic expectations
Done betraying my belief systems
Done postponing responsibility
Done with addiction.
Done being afraid of nothingness
Done waiting for life to get better
Done avoiding opportunities to gain knowledge
Done being disappointed.

 

The greatest thing is to rehear things that were easily forgotten. To read things that I never thought I would have written down. The list above serves as a reminder.

Prayer, doing a self-less act despite how tired I may be, meditation, something challenging, eating clean, working out, attend a meeting.

 

Facing the consequences of trying to have my cake and eat it too. Eating bad, binge drinking, humping on people in the club is an addicts worst stimulation. It is essentially crack cocaine and pornography is the heroin. I acted out last night and I have to face the consequences of that today but I can be sober for these 24 hours. I don't have to dwell in shame. Prayed...meditation...eating healthy. Working on my purpose is what drives fulfillment. Last night was another one of my sloppy mistakes. As I prepare to travel to New York I have to be conscious of the fact that the stimulation of a need environment in early sobriety has the potential to destroy sobriety. If I go out, it can't be at the level which it was last night. Serving two masters...it doesn't work.

 

The level of humility I felt last night was surreal. When the temptation comes...and the symptoms begin to flare up the only solution is to hit the SOS button. Ignoring it won't make it go away, doing something else while it festers in the mind wont make it go away, nothing makes it go away. So what got me through last night? Well a little bit of will power of course...but a lot of it had to do with my why.

As that video began playing an endless loop along with the sensual audio that comes with it, I began to think how enticing it might be to experience the euphoria. I also acknowledged the mental strain I felt while going between to do, or not to do. I just wanted it to come to an end and not have my mind be so swallowed by it. Withdrawals are truly a torment but there is something to be said about them.

They are a moment of temporary insanity, no matter how enticing it may seem. The end result is never as good as I imagine. Or perhaps it is and I experience this level of bliss and relief because I've come across a new genre or whatever kind of sick **** that keeps me enthralled and captivated.

Moments before this however I recognized that I had been thinking about a girl I saw in my local gym who was clearly giving me signs to approach. I thought to myself, it may be worthwhile but am I ready. Suddenly this fear of outcome entered my mind. I started thinking how I might have to hide who I am like I did with the last girl. After speaking to some fellows about it in the program, I accepted that I just wouldn't be ready for any kind of intimacy until 1) I began working on these character defects which prevent me from showing up with, "I'm enough attitude" and 2). Until these symptoms cease their flaring up. I know I am in desperate need to recovery and so therefore that comes first above all else. The truth is although I am fearful of the wrong thing, I have some reason to fear the man who I haven't fully cultivated.

 

I am stuck in this perpetual state of fear and wanting to act out. I am disturbed by the shape which this addiction has taken. I find myself...watching myself from a birds eye view. Wondering why and how I've come to be this way. My spirt is in a definite state of pain, shame, and bitterness. The power of an addiction is truly a damning and insufferable battle. I would much rather have a venereal disease that I would know the end to...but with this it feels hopeless. Let this be my last line of hopelessness am starting to talk like a cub. I'm not the man I was once knew.

I often contemplate my willingness in this. I was watching two movies last weekend that flung me into a state of horror and admiration: Into the Wild and Fight Club. I was hooked by both immediately and perhaps one more than the other but it ended the same for both. In wonder how I can be more like each protagonist and what was missing from my character set. None of my qualities that I would even consider redeemable...are not offering much solace or a place to find comfort in. There is a deep seated sadness that must be dealt with accordingly

I will be 25 years old by next week. It seems that a quarter of my life has been lived by someone else. I wake up from time to time to realize that I am not wearing the same outfit I originally had on. My friends are gone, my job non-existent, evrey thing is distancing itself from me and I feel not much when I look at the distance between me and those things I used to consider important.

Having to hide sadness on one's face is a task for those condemned to hell and I but only wonder if this is my own personal hell after dying a long time ago. I don't think God is that generous....

I've come a far way....in this journey. I am in pain because I am losing but I am also losing because I have no evolved beyond my ordinary comfort. No matter how much surface level success I might see...I won't truly exit outside of this until it stems from within. Until I reach down and pull the man drowning out of the murky waters. He's there waiting...still fighting but I must first throw him the life raft before it's too late.

 

Wait. I need to write more.

Okay...I got the poison out for the day. It's somewhere- here. I need it to stay here and no where else today. Tonight is going to be the hardest night...it always is. I have to prepare...and look at this thing in the face. Deal with it with the authority of the 12 steps and my higher power. This is a battle. Each day. I have to build the power during the day so that when the addict brings the battle to me.

Also I have to address some issues in my heart. I will list them down here

1. Where are your friends?
2. Why do people seem not to gravitate towards you when you are acting out
3. Why do you put off things that may seem small in the moment but grow imperative in the future? (i.g., pay medical bill, wash car, get hair cut, etc)
4. Why do you distract yourself with TV?
5. What about your mother makes you so disinterested in her?
6. Why are you finding it difficult to pray?
7. Contrary action? What will I do during the day to generate momentum against the impulse of wanting to watch pornography?
8. Why is cleaning your room important?
9. Why do you need to go for a walk in the morning
10. What have you done to be a little bit better than you were yesterday?
11. Why is losing money becoming such an anxiety for you?

I'll be back tonight I guess to see if I have answered some of these questions

 

Thanks for asking that question Chris. After pondering it for some time last night...the answer is no. I often say that I should but do not make an effort to do so. Something to start actively incorporating in my recovery. Cheers.

 

Starting over is the hardest part of anything. I'd do best to remember that.

Today I'll work on career goals. I am learning that a large part of my acting out can be mainly attributed to my contemplation of how shitty I am performing at my current stage of life. It's probably not as bad as I am making it seem, but for whatever reason I can't shake this feeling of behindness. My dissatisfaction is not with keeping up with everyone elses jones' but instead in my failure to keep up with myself.

Stepping away from obsessing so much about physical fitness. Placing a greater emphasis on mental mastery and proficiency in things that will actually grant me value as a man. Not to say that having a kick ass body doesn't largely give me an advantage with the opposite sex...but it isn't everything. Beyond the surface is counts really for nothing.

Have been saying I want to get a sponsor but I don't seem to be as committed. It's honestly getting a little embarrassing..how I keep telling everyone I need a sponsor and doing nothing to propel forward towards that goal. I need to learn to plan an action and commit to seeing it through.

Seeing my friend who I would practically consider my brother at some point yesterday was a real sobering feeling. Recognizing that I don't exactly know how to depart from his company in situations when I randomly encounter him. Sometimes I feel awkward and displaced, other times I can't seem to care to much about keeping our conversation going. There is something unusual about her interactions these days. I am starting to see the truth of it all...people come in and people come out. A part of me wishes for good...genuine and loving people to come in. I yearn for it...but I fear that I've "missed" the boat for genuine friendships. Also feeling like I don't possess this abiltiy to be amongst others in a comfortable fashion. As my birthday approaches I realize I only have one person to celebrate it with. I feel like I'm Napoleon on the Island of Alba for some reason. Anyway...enough about feelings. Men can't afford to house them for too long apparently.

1. Workout
2. Call potential sponsor
3. Outreach
4. Meetings
5. Reading Big Book
6. Chess
7. Spiritual Inventory

 

Tired as hell but why not write a journal entry. I sometimes forget how therapeutic these are.

Firstly...my time is wrong. I actually have 5 days. I should update that.

Recently I have contemplated where I was and where I am not. Although not free from the grips of temptation and PMO, I am at a comparatively better state than when I first started. I remember browsing the explore page endlessly...being sucked into the vortex of sloth that came with the use of social media. Now I don't do that anymore. At times like this...I think it is important to give the self some credit. It is very easy to enter into a shame cycle and think along the lines of, "Look at my life" , or "I'll never get over this" or "I'll always be an addict. A little bit of credit and compassion towards the self gives one that happiness he or she needs.

I missed my nightly meeting due to my friend sending me a video about NFT. Lost track of time and so, a little annoyed about that. Think I'll hit the other program so that way it counts towards my 90/90.

Learning that the longing for friendship, love, success, knowledge is a natural ambition that must be met with vigor and determination. Not procrastination and masturbation.

Nothing is being taken for granted at the moment. No promises for the future...and no faux hole prayers. I'm connected with my higher power, I got a sponsor now, I read the big book, I call people in the fellowship, I do the spiritual inventory each night and send it to the group chat I'm part of, and I just lost my daily game of chess. Oh...I also brush my teeth before bed instead of jerking off.

After discovering the internet concept of 'coomer' I just realized how good laughter is for a recovering addict.

 

Funny how things work. Haven't thought about this thread for a bit as life has been happening to me. I thought about it today and someone posts so interesting coincidences. Anyways...thanks for asking. Haven't been making the best decisions and lately I've turned into someone who is great at giving advice but finding it hard to live it out myself. Going to update.

 

Life has moved forward since August 16th...I thought as I logged into this account on my laptop. Things have improved and I was even at some point able to enjoy longterm sobriety but alas...I couldn't sustain it. I started to get lazy and circumvent the program that I had been rigorously working. It makes me mad to admit that although there has been some change there hasn't been a whole lot that makes me say I have fully grew my mane out. I am stuck in this perpetual state of teen simba.

I read somewhere at some point that the causation for all this is an addition of not being able to be alone for an extended period of time and be at peace + the inability to form satisfying and fulfilling relationships. I truly believe that is the case. In the past year I've found it increasingly difficult to just be at peace with myself in my room for an extended period of time. I tried vaping THC, then I tried going back to drinking 40oz malt liquors (that didn't last long), now I am parading around with a good friend and going to clubs to dry hump women. I've yet to fully accept that there are some activities that I cannot do as a porn addict. As I approach employment at a reputable firm...I can't help but worry how I am going to perform as I am with the brain that I currently have. This brain that needs discipline and healing.

My prayer life is...inauthentic. I can't manage to feel happy with myself when I pray...the connection is not there when I wake up and I have no desire to pray before I retire; I believe this is one of the greatest consequences of suffering from this addiction. It completely and utterly disconnects you from all sources of true power. It was interesting how easy I found it to write poetry and even when I listen to my voice overs I tear up a little- I can't even believe it's me. Now when I hear my voice or my attempts I do not hear energy and belief...I hear a hypocrite and a weakling. That's the bottom line as it relates to that.

Another thing I learned is that it pays to be honest. It pays to look at yourself in the mirror in your most deplorable state. I would say for me that is jumping out of a infamous noFap cold shower and experiencing the shrivel effect for 10 minutes. I'm at my lowest and I'm able to do one of two things depending how sober I am.
1. Regard myself as a powerful being living through God's design for me
2. Berate and hate myself because all I can see is the exterior

If not for this...tool life wouldn't have moved much for me and I know it. God...I forgot how therapeutic this is. To just write all that comes to my mind and put is somewhere. I believe the Romans called this Catharsis? No music....no voices....just the sound of my butterfly key springs responding as I write out my anxieties. Well unfortunately we can't stop here.

Where am I going?

As far as I am concerned I have 5 more years until I debut as a man. At age 30 it won't be a matter of ushering out fun little euphemisms on a communal form. I would have had to really understand what I want my life to look like. It starts now...and indeed the clock is ticking. As I achieved possibly the 11th million post nut self-clarity I thought two things. I hate myself, and when is it going to end. It will never end if I never truly start. If I don't start taking the steps day in and day out to shake this beast. If I don't make an effort to deny myself of short term pleasure for long term fulfillment it will never end.

I'm on day 0....I have to go through the drying out phase as I return to the workforce after a long hiatus. How brutal is is goin to be myself...but if I come here each day I can have redemption. Better yet- I can roar again. Cheers to the brutality of drying out for the 100th time. I'll start by calling fellows in the program back.

 

I was listening to a video yesterday by the great Dr. Eric Thomas and he mentioned something about self-actualization it is only now I have thought about it at length and what that means. It means many things to many people but I think must people would agree that is firstly a prioritization of self. I then thought about porn addicts, drug addicts, narcotics addicts, alcoholics and one thing that we all have in common is the prioritization of self. With maybe sexual satisfaction being the leading identifier out of that hierarchy.

Last week, I got into an explosive argument with my father. It was of epic proportions of course because I just couldn't part ways with my ego. I had to have the last word of course. Looking back now, it was a complete regression of character. I was fuming for the next couple of days of what we exchanged between each other and although there was truth in much of the context, I wish I had handled it differently. Kept my cool and not have been disrespectful towards him. I always go through a period of self-pity and hatred for how I behave towards people when I am drying out. The expression, not everything requires a giants foot is largely applicable here. How I was...I do not want to be as it relates to resolving conflict between people I love. There is always an adequate amount of pressure to be applied.

Even though I had the blow out with my father, I look back at where it generated from and it was a decision that my mother made. When I looked at that decision in hindsight I wasn't mad so much about that itself but the feeling/state of powerlessness that I perceived to forever be in. It is quite easy to blame anything and everything on porn addiction but this defect I can say is largely attributed to it. In porn, it displays the man in a state of dominance and reciprocity not one in contrary to that. So anything in contrary as a result, enrages me. Looking back I was being selfish and self-serving. It is very easy to enter into this state when I am abusing pornography addiction.

I thought getting a new job would grant me the proper commitment to abstinence that I so desperately needed but that won't be the case. It never is and I shouldn't fool myself into thinking that it will be the nth time around...lord knows it's in the thousands. Just like the start of NNN will not promise immediate and lasting change. It's annoying how this thinking comes over me.

Thankful for my screen crashing. If not for that happening, I probably would be in an intense grip with my device whether I should be acting out or not. So it breaking and spending $100 dollars is actually a small price for my sanity in the beginning of this month. I think even when I do get it back, I will keep it turned off. I am enjoying the peace of my mind away from it and it was only on my way home that I discovered how over attached I am to this piece of metal and plastic. It feels...natural to be without these things. God...humans can be brilliant but that same brilliance can be malformed into something unsurprisingly wicked.

Need to pray. Need to return to a state of humility and solace if I want any true enjoyment. Need to leave the alcohol alone...completely. It's only further destroying the mind that God gave me in order to experience life not numb it. It is also placing a buffer between what I need to develop into and what I think I am. It's the same thing with drugs...there is no space despite my recent contemplations.

Actualize...who do I truly want to be? Find the answer beyond your own understanding and then go be that in full faith but faith must be continuously renewed.

I do believe I want to be good. I believe all human beings want to be, but between the defects and psychological dispositions, it seems like having to trailblaze hell in order to be it.

 

Unusual that I write this much but I think it's necessary..

The day was filled with moderate productivity and some needless browsing on the internet. Somehow I got wrapped back into understanding why Cults come to the existence of humanity's forefront. Really a wasted effort considering I'm not going for my sociology degree.

I should have been completing these pen testing exercises and more importantly, I should have completed up to 40% of it. I shouldn't abuse my WFH privilege...I have to work on this.

Still haven't made amends with my father over our blow out. I suppose a large portion of me doesn't want to. A large portion of me wishes to isolate and hide in this corner of, "I'm right and your wrong" but that isn't life- that isn't maturity. I know my continued defiance is merely a symptom of my self-seeking and self-righteous attitude. If I really wish to part ways...I'm certain only prayer has the power to do so.

Sun Tzu mentioned the consequences of not knowing yourself and not knowing your enemy. I'm not so prudent as to read through AOW but I do occasionally recall some thought provoking quotes that make me say, "Oh that's what he might've meant..." but I also could be wrong. In these past couple days it occurred to me that I really don't know myself as much as I would like to. As marriages approach, I think to myself, I guess it's time to find a wife but life isn't like that. You can't just determine when you want things to appear especially at such a premium standard. You could pay for it, but better to attain off the strength of your own character. So I guess I'm saying

I have so more work to do. More doing...to do. No more trying.

Late night meeting, then recap.

 

Taking the day more seriously. Still haven't prayed. When I muster the grit I will return to prayer but right now I still feel the rebellion in my spirit. I feel the wanting to do things my way- that there is no other way. Looks like I really do need it haha...

It's so insane how irritable I can be in my own head without saying anything during the drying out phase. My brothers excessive laughter, coupled with my mothers harping while disclosing his engagement status. It is difficult to....tolerate but I know this is only a symptom of my drying out. I hate being annoyed...and I wish I could just remain in a state of silence for the next thirty days but that isn't life. So cheers to finding spiritual resilience and peace away from the irritations.

I was watching The Bible Project some days ago and although not me being super attached to the sacred text like I was when I was younger...I have to admit...some of these principles are extremely pertinent to my life. The philosophy of The Satan being a evil one, instead of the evil one. That there isn't per se, one single entity but multiple entities that can represent evil. Still shook from conceiving it this way in my mind but also- a lot more relieved to find that a Satan isn't plotting solely against me.

After days of contemplating the blow between me and the old man, I realized I'm not so happy as to return to a state of converse with him. Although I do truly love him, I find our dialogues often insufferable as a result of him not being able to see me as anything other than his 12-yr old son. It was comical at age 21- at 25 a direct insult. Thinking about it, me and my Dad don't really have a social relationship beyond what he thinks I can handle. His silence when we do try and engage in any kind of rhetoric is a testament of his mind only being able to discuss what he would like to discuss. Ironically, another cousin does this. It's a subtle and arrogant way of projecting one's intellectual superiority when in reality...it's a symptom of their inability to have indifference in intellectual discussion. It's just disregard and silence that permeates the room when you try to interact with these kind of people. Anyways, I said some bad stuff my dad said some bad stuff and I doubt an apology is coming out from either of us. Both of which I am fine with. Years ago...I would not have been able to say the same.

Have to work more closely on Cyber stuff and stop getting distracted. Also beginning to enjoy The Meditations by Marcus Aurelius. For all the time which I spent reading snippets from the book, I never thought to open my own copy and start going to town with a highlighter. I'm realizing that the one thing if I had to apologize for would be to the degree at which I was so angry and boisterous at my father. It is very easy to be the opposite of contained when PMO'ing...but extremely easy to maintain an air of stoicism and indifference otherwise.