Releasing sexual shame

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by Bruhbruh, Jan 19, 2019.

  1. Bruhbruh

    Bruhbruh Fapstronaut

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    English is not my first language, hope it makes sense anyway

    So basically I am reading this book called No more Mr. nice guy by Robert Glover, and in this specific chapter he talks about how sexual shame and fear are some of the biggest reasons as to why nice guys rarely have satisfying sex lives. “All Nice Guys have shame and fear about being sexual and about being sexual beings”. So, to release this shame Glover suggests that you have to reveal all sexual aspects of yourself to the world. It’s also important to do this in a safe place, with encouraging and understanding people, which is why I came here. I do not want negativity in this thread. I will write here from time to time because it will be a long process most likely.

    Ways in which you have acted out sexually

    I, like many others on this site have been addicted to pornography. It started in a young age, I was totally hooked, it gave me satisfaction like nothing else. I think i somewhere knew that it was bad but since everyone started doing it I though it was ok. I think the shame increased massivle one time when I was caught in a young age. Since my mother’s reaction was anger, disappointment and shock, I felt like what I was doing was very wrong. This particular experience made me hide my addiction and sexual behavior from the world. I felt shame everytime someone talked about anything porn related. I’m not trying to say that porn is good, but the reaction I got from my mother made me believe that my sexual desires are bad. That also made me ashamed about sex in general. I have also got into erotic hypnosis, it’s like asmr but more sensual. This is another addiction of mine that I don’t think many others have. I became addicted because I needed a replacement for porn. And it worked well but it got me addicted to that instead. Sometimes I reallyyy want to do the second one but I have built up the discipline to stay away. I have been free from both for a total of 105 days. But I still don’t feel totally free, which is why I think it is important to release these emotions through words also.

    I think that does it today, I will continue tomorrow or some day else.
     
  2. Angus McGyver

    Angus McGyver Fapstronaut

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    What you point out in your post makes a lot of sense!
    Pornography and all its side-effects brought so many misfortunes and feelings of guilt and shame into my life that I felt quite disconnected, anxious, awkward and antisocial most of the time, not only when talking to women but people in general as well. It made me wander around like a bitter and upset misanthrope who hated people in general and the worst thing was that I perceived these destructive thoughts as completely natural and sane. It was not until my reboot started to kick in that I realized it was my shattered filter of perceiving the circumstances that was the problem, not the people or circumstances themselves. That shattered filter came as a side-effect from years of PMO-addiction.
    Pornography is very sneaky and demonic since it desensitizes you in such a way that all people around you become mere objects and not human beings. Therefore, you will never be able to have great and fulfilling relationships with people around you if you do PMO, guaranteed!!

    I used to be Mr. Nice Guy myself for many years, much due to my lust and arousal addiction (from PMO) that made me crave sex only for the purpose of satisfying my needs and nothing else. Thus I became very needy and would do almost anything to get women's approval so my needs later could be satisfied for the moment.
    That was a very selfish way of reasoning which I of course didn't realize at the time. Today though, I can enter a room and conversations like a boss, without the need of anyone's approval or expectation of getting anything in return.
    So, believe me when I say it is completely possible to transform from Mr. Nice Guy to Mr. Badass in a matter of a few years!
     
  3. Bruhbruh

    Bruhbruh Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for the encouraging words. Happy for your succcess! Yes I recommend reading that book, even though it doesn’t apply to you as much anymore, it explains all these problems with nice guys in very logical ways. Did you actively try to transform or do you think it was an effect mostly due to NoFap?
     
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  4. ryan23

    ryan23 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you guys both for sharing. I definitely can relate, especially with the 'Mr Nice Guy thing'. I know it roots back to PMO, and my own insecurities knowing I was a PMO addict. And beyond... I still struggle with being a people pleaser, but that is something I am being challenged with currently and seeing myself becoming better at as I continue to my journey on NoFap.
     
  5. Angus McGyver

    Angus McGyver Fapstronaut

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    I didn't actively try to transform that much actively apart from in the very beginning which wasn't a good idea since I forced it too much. Hence, I went overboard and made it appear quite fake and non-genuine, looking more like a punk who just hated everyone and everything.
    The real and genuine transoformation all started out with (a few years before I embarked on the NoFap-journey) standing up for myself and my beliefs, no matter if people liked them or not. That also included shooting for my big goals, no matter what people said or thought about my plans.
    Thus, I started to tell more people not what they wanted to her but rather what they needed to hear.
    After that, I started to work on my body-language a bit before the NoFap-journey began.

    It takes a bit of work to do this transformation but the main key is to just work with yourself, increasing your confidence so you will become independent of others' approval which also makes you free yourself from the outcome in social situations.
    That takes a lot of pressure off from your sense of neediness as well, which is one of the main keys of being a confident badass (not wanting or needing anything from anyone, no matter the situation). I have really noticed that people who previously (a few years ago) used to walk over me never do that anymore because they know I am confident, centered and don't care about their projections.

    The only bad thing coming out from this is that some people (who used to be nice to you when you were Mr. Nice Guy) will become envious, frustrated, and judgmental when you come across them but that is just a minor setback as you won't care too much at this stage.
     
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  6. Bruhbruh

    Bruhbruh Fapstronaut

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    I can defiantly relate to what you’re saying since I feel I am on the same journey now, standing up for myself and all. Also putting myself first and prioritizing my own needs. Not sacrificing myself for others. That is such a key for success!
     
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  7. Bruhbruh

    Bruhbruh Fapstronaut

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    Yeah I believe NoFap increases your awareness over your behaviour. And that makes transformation possible. To stop being a people pleaser and a nice guy (doormat) I believe that you have to put yourself first. Prioritizing your own needs and wants above others. In that way you create boundaries against other people, and you will be able to say no to do things that are not alligned with your own purpose!
     
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  8. Bruhbruh

    Bruhbruh Fapstronaut

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    (Warning, the content can be triggering)
    Your sexual history

    My earliest sexual history dates back to when a saw lightclothed girls on the internet. I already felt shame for watching it back then, probalbly because I was very young (11 or 12 years old). But I continued anyway because I got very many high dopamine kicks out of it. And from only watching lightclothed girls it escalated to porn. One day I figured, why I am not trying what they are doing to myself? At that point I played with my dick and eventually I started masterbating. As with porn, it felt really good but I knew it was wrong. Partly because I was so young and partly because my parents never talked about sexual topics. Then as I said I got caugh, and my sexual shame and fear increased even more. I started masterbating and watching porn very secretly. Essentially my whole sexuality as I knew, revolved around hiding that behaviour. I believe that has translated into normal sex as well, because of the relations I found between sex and porn. I got no girls either in middle school? (8-13 years old) because of that. I think my avoidance of my sexuality in public prevented me from having any kind of sexual experience. I mean my first kiss wasn’t until I was 14 years old and I have not until this day, had any serious girlfriend. But I have had sex and gotten blowjobs. Blowjob was the first sexual experience I had and when I got it I was like, it’s really happening now!! But I was still too afraid or shameful to escalate it into sex. It wasn’t even that great tho, I was thinking is this it? It was almost as I just wanted to have done it so I wouldn’t be embarrassed when talking to others about sex. I was still proud of myself knowing I hadn’t got much action before. My first actual sex wasn’t any better. It felt rushed and not nearly as intimate as my first experience. It wasn’t successful either because of my dick. See, my foreskin was really tight so it just hurt. Today I have done a precedure to get rid of some of my foreskin and I couldn’t be more happier about that since it felt impossible to have sex prior to that experience.
     
  9. Bruhbruh

    Bruhbruh Fapstronaut

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    Your sexual history

    As I said my family has always been closed of about sex, which has made me the same. I am not open and rarely comfortable talking or doing sexual things. But just because my family members were closed off like that doesn’t mean that I have too. I believe that if work on becoming comfortable in my sexual nature, I can achieve my goals faster and better and without any emotional restriction.

    My second sexual experience was wild. This girl was really flirty with me and I just went with the flow, sexual and confident and with no expectations of the night. And then suddenly it just escalated. I keep wondering if that is a successful approach since It worked so well that night. Should I keep trying to get in that same state of mind where I don’t really try so hard, or should I actively try to be assertive and make moves?

    She was really hot as well. The sex wasn’t great since my dick was tight back then, but we kept connection because it felt like we had great chemistry. She was the best kind of girl for me, she really felt like my type. Unfortunately, because of my shame of not being worthy enough and fear of commitment due to being a nice guy, she slipped through my hands. I tried to play it cool like it wasn’t a big deal but I was really hurt, and mad at myself for not growing a pair like I had the first night we met. It’s weird because it went exactly like I wanted that night. My needs and wants felt fulfilled and I felt like a boss. I have never talked about these feelings with anyone because I was afraid no one would accept her like I did. Some of what I am writing here probably doesn’t make a lot of sense, but I am just ventilating my stuck up feelings for all of you reading this.
     
  10. Bruhbruh

    Bruhbruh Fapstronaut

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    Your dark side

    I think about sex all the time, even though Im not really sexually active. This is a common trait for nice guys according to the book I have referred to. I’m always thinking about ways to get pussy. Often times I know those ways are just shortcuts, and that I have to do the hard and courageous work to actually get it. I believe many of us have been tricked into believing that you have to have certain techniques and qualities when in reality, you just have to grab your balls and talk to more women. I don’t feel that my constant sexual feelings are wrong, I shouldn’t deny them, I just need to act on them. In that way, they won’t be trapped and bubbled up inside of me.

    Sometimes I think about naked women and porn, even though I haven’t watched it in a long time. I think about certain scenes and how it would feel to watch them again. This distractes me from my purpose and focus, and I feel bad because of it. In those moments, I try to meditate and take deep breaths. In that way, I’m not trying to fight the thoughts, I just let them pass.

    When I’m trying to hook up with someone at a club, I can get real creepy. When I’m not in the appropriate state of mind I find myself not knowing how to act in order to get a girl. I can dance behind them in a creepy way, trying to get her attention without seeming disrespectful. Sometimes I can get really close when I’m even more horny, holding her stomach or ass from behind. Im ashamed that I do this sometime. This is also a common behaviour for nice guys. Trying to get what you want in unclear and manipulative ways, instead of asking for what you want in clear and direct ways. It frustrates me so much that I am acting this way because it is creepy for the girl and irritating for me.
     
  11. Bruhbruh

    Bruhbruh Fapstronaut

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    Your dark side

    Okay so I have done something real dark. Recently I was on a vacation in Thailand. There I met a beautiful girl who happened to be a prostitute. I though, what the hell, this is something I have wanted to try and she seems into me. I was also pretty drunk during this time. Anyway so we did our thing and it all felt good, and I wouldn’t count is as a relapse in my reboot. But during the heat of the moment, I FORGOT to use a condom. The day after I was really worried I had gotten her pregnant or gotten an Std. Luckily, I havent felt any symptoms of a disease, and she told me that she was clean. But the thing im most worried about is If she is pregnant, because this is not a relationship I want to keep up. Neither do I feel the need to meet someone like that again. I feel like maybe if she is pregnant, that she wants to keep the baby because im from a rich country, compared to Thailand. They do anything down there for money. Today, I have blocked her from social media since she kept trying to contact me days after our meeting. It makes me sick how I was so foolish, especially to not to use a condom. This thing has had me worried to death recently, even though I know worrying is stupid, and I feel like I cant talk to anyone about it. I feel really guilty about this, and it feels like no one will understand me or what I’m going through, if I start telling people. In any case, I just needed to get this of my chest and express myself to someone.
     
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  12. I_AM_AWESOME

    I_AM_AWESOME Fapstronaut

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    If she is pregnant, you should stand up and be a man about it, not some weak media blocking, run away from your problems type of person.
     
  13. Bruhbruh

    Bruhbruh Fapstronaut

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    I know you’re right. I panicked when I did this and now I have unblocked her
     
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  14. I_AM_AWESOME

    I_AM_AWESOME Fapstronaut

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    Good man! This might be a pivotal point in your life if she is but do the right thing here. If you had a daughter you'd want the man she was with to do the right thing. It's likely not that she is pregnant but this is an important moment for you in your life, make the right choice.
     
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  15. Bruhbruh

    Bruhbruh Fapstronaut

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    So I have been thinking lately as to why I even have sexual shame in the first place, and I think it is much due to my childhood. As a kid I was pretty fat and no one would want me. I liked other girls but no one was ever interested in me. That left me feeling hurt, sad and angry because I knew I was deserving of love. This ultimately led to me avoiding girls altougheter. I would not speak to them and I would never try to express my love or sexuality. Instead, I played video games all day with my friends who also had disfuncional relationsips with other people. I secrently wanted a girlfriend but I was too afraid of intimacy probably, so I avoided the situation completely. When the oppurtunity actually rose itself, that a girl was interested in me, I felt paralyzed and was acting in very self-sabotaging ways. Fear of intimacy became the result from years of avoiding the other sex. That was a bad habit that was unawarrimg to me as I entered adolescen. I write this because I write this because I think it is important to find the root of the problem, and express it to safe people, to you guys
     
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  16. Infrasapiens

    Infrasapiens Fapstronaut

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    Ironic, I joined NoFap because I think expressing your sexuality is wrong unless you are seen as good looking by the sex you are atracted to.
     
  17. Bruhbruh

    Bruhbruh Fapstronaut

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    Expressing your feelings are never wrong. They are natural and part of who you are. Sexual feelings are just like anger or sadness, you need to express them one way or another so they won’t get boiled up and cause damage. It is your right to express yourself, be yourself, and make your own mark in this world.

    To me, nofap was never a tool for sexual repression. It was rather a habit I kept up with because I was addictied to porn and masterbation that was ruining my life in many ways.
     
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  18. Bruhbruh

    Bruhbruh Fapstronaut

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    One fear I have in my sexual life is fear of approching. When I come up to an attractive stranger I don’t always know what to say. It feels like I have to prove myself worthy, when in reality, I know I am. And why should I even try to prove myself? I don’t owe them anything. This people pleasing has got to stop. I already have everything I need within me. But thats the tricky part. When I am solely focused on me and my goals, I don’t even care enough to go talk to them. This makes me feel even worse because it makes it harder. But why do I have this feeling of unworthyness? Im no virgin but I have only had sex once in the last year. I almost feel ashamed about it, its not something I want to tell the people around me. Maybe thats one reason as to why I dont feel deserving of sexual experiences. To overcome this problem, I need to get an abundance mentality, for that will primarly, make my fear of rejection go away.
     
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  19. Bruhbruh

    Bruhbruh Fapstronaut

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    Another fear I have is fear of intimacy. I am not comfortable being intimite with another person. I think this roots back to the lack of love I got in my childhood, when I tried to be intimate. I often got bad reaction which led to mr feeling embarrassed and scared. In that way I kept avoiding it. But now as Im older, I realize that intimacy is a beautiful thing. For both partners to be courageous enough to reveal their darkest secret, and to open up fully to another person, is something that conncects us. To get rid of this fear I need to make it a habit of encountering these scary situation. To be comfortable in the uncomfortable, until it becomes part of who I am.
     
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  20. Bruhbruh

    Bruhbruh Fapstronaut

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    Sometimes I feel like I have to escalate with a girl. Even though I dont really like her, it feels needed unless I want to end up in the friendZone. I think this is somewhat good because I take oppurtunities, but on the other hand its really bad. I think im scared of showing vulnaribility. Scared of showing that im not perfekt. Or am scared that If im not 100% confident, that I will be rejected. I need to realize that im good enough just like I am. Also perfektion doesnt exist, we all have flaws, its just about having the courage show them.
     
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