Renaissance - Journal of an SO

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Broken81, Oct 26, 2017.

  1. Broken81

    Broken81 Fapstronaut

    200
    527
    93
    Thanks. Im hoping the last few days are down to being premenstrual (but even that is messed up right now), Otherwise it's just going to get worse :-(
    I've been walking around in a daze. I managed to spend 2.5 hours in the supermarket (usually 20 minute job). I forgot half of the list (that was in my hand) and have no idea why I bought certain items. Then i drove home and went in the house forgetting the shopping was in the boot of the car. Then when I remembered and put it away I walked into the kitchen half hour later to find I'd left the fridge standing wide open. This isn't me! I'm the women who has served in the military, whose lived in 4 countries, lost babies, lost half of my family over the last few years. And it took this to send me over the edge. It's crazy.
     
    Kenzi likes this.
  2. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    Yes, it hurts worse than anything else I've ever experienced, which is saying a lot. Hugs. :emoji_blue_heart:
     
    Torn, Broken81 and anewhope like this.
  3. Broken81

    Broken81 Fapstronaut

    200
    527
    93
    Im feeling better today. I woke up feeling more positive again (this seems to be a pattern, having about 4 really good days then 1 or 2 crappy ones). I turned on the news after taking my son to school and a car has crashed into a school killing two kids. I suddenly thought to myself that I'm wallowing in self pity and grief and pain. But my pain is NOTHING compared to losing a child. I simply don't even want to think about how the parents of those 2 children are feeling right now. So i had a word with myself (a mental slap across the face).
    I closed his secret email account. The one that has all the women he's emailed in the contacts. The one that I gained access to and found out about his RL infidelities. I've been torturing myself with the names or re-reading the emails which is pointless and only hurts me. Now I just have to refrain from logging onto it for 60 days before it closes properly. This is a big step for me.
    Today I feel hope again. Let's hope tomorrow I do too.
     
  4. Torn

    Torn Fapstronaut

    364
    856
    93
    Good for you, @Broken81! That's another step toward your healing.

    I have ups and downs, too. It's hard. It does help when we are able to keep things in perspective like you did after seeing the news.

    I hope you continue to feel better and better. <3
     
    Broken81 and anewhope like this.
  5. Broken81

    Broken81 Fapstronaut

    200
    527
    93
    BEWARE, long post ahead! :) Last night I told my SO I wanted to talk about our sex life and his P use early on in our 12 year relationship. I told him I would bath/put our son to bed so he could have a think about it before we chatted, so he wasn't blindsided by the information I wanted. I explained I wanted him to try and talk about everything without me having to question him or 'drag' information out of him.
    45 minutes later he started to talk to me. Really talk. It was so insightful. I learned more about my husbands problems and our sex life in an hour last night than in all the questions/arguments/discussions we have had in our entire relationship.
    He explained to me that he was 32 when we met. He had never had a long term relationship before me. I knew this. What I didn't know was in those 32 years he had plenty of sex, sometimes with partners that lasted a month or two. But he had very rarely (if ever he admitted) had sober sex with anyone. He was very into his career, and the military was very drink/social orientated (I should know, I have served 7 years myself). So even with the partners that weren't ONSs there was always an alcohol component. Also Pornography was very prevalent. He has always suffered DE with a partner but he had no problem when M'ing so he assumed alcohol was the cause of the DE. His Porn use had been fairly infrequent but was always there, and he speculates that half the time it was his fetish, but back then FBBs weren't popular, it was just magazines etc until he had the internet. The first 2 years of our relationship were long distance. And then when I moved to Australia he worked away A LOT. Our sex life was okay, and there was always the 'newness' and 'infrequent' component. I never really thought of the DE as a huge problem. Who cared if he finished himself off? What I didn't know was my husband was terrifed there was something wrong with him because of the DE pretty much ALL his sexual life, as he could no longer blame it on the alcohol. And suddenly he was home every night and the pressure was really on for him as I enjoyed sex and wanted to have it with him! He was never really able to connect with me intimately because the majority of the time he was worrying about DE (probably caused by the worry and primarily having a very selfish sexlife prior to me). I never knew of these huge concerns my husband had. And he didn't want to reject me so he would have sex without being 'into it'. Which just made the problem worse! When we started trying to conceive, the DE then became a problem. Because he needed to finish, he started fantasising about his fetish in order to do so. He had done this previously a few times in order to finish with me, ironically because he didn't want me to feel like he wasn't into it (we both laughed and cried at the logic and irony of this). But then he had to rely on this 'technique' to have sex at all. This is when the sex became terrible. I'd lie there, and if I moved, or made a noise, or basically reminded my husband that I was there, it 'put him off' (his words). I put up with this because we wanted a family, and I figured we'd taken the fun out of sex by making it purposeful. I never realised the pressure my husband was under to perform. This is when his Porn use went from infrequent to daily. I guess he needed 'inspiration' for the baby making, and then it became an outlet for his stress. Once I was pregnant the pressure was off sexually, but the addiction was just taking hold. He didn't feel 'comfortable' having sex while I was pregnant, and although I felt rejected it became the norm. Even after our son came along, the 'bad' sex and rejection had taken it's toll on me, and I stopped pursuing it. My husband had undertaken an incredibly stressful job whilst I was pregnant, and also worked from home a lot for the first time in his career. Opportunity (wifi and a private study) and stress led to his P use becoming a daily habit a few hours a day. Even if not Ming he would look at pictures/videos of his fetish for stress relief or as a break from his work. After nearly 2 years of looking at the free stuff, he branched out into paying for videos and then finally webcams and eventually RL. Maybe if he had branched out from his fetish at this point it would never have reached RL. But he had basically trained his brain to muscle worship and nothing else. He'd taken this one thing to the very extreme. I asked him if we'd stayed in the US if his muscle worship sessions would have started to end in HJs or FS, but he said he didn't think so for a number of reasons. One, He only wanted to M to muscle worship, that was his thing. He didn't want a HJ or FS. Two, he would have considered a HJ or FS cheating. He had really managed to convince himself that what he was doing was just an extension of a wank, of what he'd seen on webcams. To him, at the time, anything else would have compromised his 'morals'. Again, he now can't understand his logic. But that's the addict logic not him. He is not a bad man, he is a good man that has done bad things.
    I never had any idea of the confidence issues and struggles my husband experienced in the bedroom. The sex we've had in the last 2 months is ironically the best sex we've both ever had with each other. My husband has finally 'learned' how to be emotionally engaged as well as physically. He has told me how mad this makes him at himself. He says Oing with me now is better than anything he ever experienced with P and his RL interactions. Instead of punishing a flaccid member, he is in tune with himself and me for the first time ever intimately. I'm so sad that my husband has gone so many years and partners without feeling this emotional attachment during sex. And it also explains why I never felt really good about our sex life. It never felt 'right' before. And now we are at it like bunnies :) And he is like a horny teenager who has just discovered sex!
    Although this does not condone his behaviour or take the hurt of his infidelities away, it goes an awful long way to show me how he ended up so addicted and how his behaviour spun slowly out of control. Although I am not to blame for his infidelities or his P use, I played my part in letting the marriage become terrible, which in turn added to his (and my) depression and further added to his need to 'feel better'.
    I am so glad we talked. I'm so sad at what got us here.
    One day at a time.
    Ps if you read to the end of that, I'm sorry about my ramblings or if I bored you! I find it really helps me to gather my thoughts when I get them down in writing :)
     
    TIMMY0110, Sadgirl, Kenzi and 3 others like this.
  6. SuperFan

    SuperFan Fapstronaut

    Stupid question--but I'm assuming you changed the password to this e-mail address so your husband can't log in either.

    Here's one way to make sure you never log in again:

    Change the password for the account to something you'll never remember. You can use this password generator which I love:

    https://passwordsgenerator.net/

    Once the password has been changed, just deactivate the account again, and then log out. Then close the browser page with the password you just created (you'll never remember it). Now you're basically locked out for good.

    I've used this method a lot to keep myself out of secret e-mail addresses that I didn't want to log into anymore.

    ^^^ Love love love all of this. So much hope for you guys!
     
  7. Broken81

    Broken81 Fapstronaut

    200
    527
    93
    When I first found out everything I became obsessed with going through every laptop/tablet, paperwork, bank statement, etc. Looking For porn/evidence. I knew about the email, he'd told me but he was locked out of it. I managed to reset password and I changed security info to me, essentially locking him out. He had no saved contacts in this account, but accidently discovered if you put a letter in the 'To' box of an email that it brought up every email address ever sent or received. I used to go through the alphabet and Google each email address, looking at the pictures/videos of these women. Even reading reviews from others who other men who had sessions woth them! I went through and made a list of the 6 women my husband met. I would torture myself with looking at pictures of them, imagining the worst. It became almost an addiction for me, I couldn't control anything else in my life but I could control the information I read. I sat around and cried and obsessed for hours/days at a time. Because I have the info to reset password, I'm going to prove to myself I can go 60 days without obsessing over it (I've already gone a few weeks).
    Superfan, I have hope too. I need to concentrate on forgiving my husband. It scares me that I will never be able to think about his infidelities without a pain tearing through me. But if it only lasts minutes instead of days I'm doing better. I also need to work hard on not becoming resentful. Holding onto things has always been a weakness of mine, I don't forgive easily so in the past when someone has 'wronged' me I have found it easier to cut them out of my life.
    BUT I love my husband despite what he has put me through. I don't want to cut him out of my life (nor would I as he is the father of my beautiful boy). So we both have hard work ahead of us. I need to work on forgiving him, and he needs to work on his addiction and eventually forgiving himself too.
    One Day at a time.
     
    TIMMY0110, Sadgirl, anewhope and 2 others like this.
  8. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    Wow, that is so painful... I think they call that pain shopping. Yes, try to stay away from that. I'm sorry you are having to go through all this. :(
     
    Sadgirl, anewhope and Broken81 like this.
  9. Broken81

    Broken81 Fapstronaut

    200
    527
    93
    Wow wow wow. I just googled pain shopping and learnt yet another new response to my hubs PA. I couldn't understand why I did that for days/weeks. It was just turning me into a bigger mess than I already was. This article sums it up:
    http://betrayedwivesclub.blogspot.com.au/2010/04/pain-shopping-how-to-stop-seeking-out.html?m=1
    It's incredible the support and advice and education I've received from the PAs and SOs on here. I'd have never known about betrayal trauma or solace sex or hysterical bonding, and now pain shopping. It's always nice to know I'm not crazy and these are all 'normal' ways of dealing with this pain. Thankyou for yet another enlightenment!
     
    Sadgirl, WantsToBelieve, Torn and 5 others like this.
  10. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    :emoji_blue_heart:
     
    Broken81 and anewhope like this.
  11. Torn

    Torn Fapstronaut

    364
    856
    93
    That is a really great article and resource, @Broken81! I've done some pain shopping, too, trying to make sense of everything and what was so damn enticing about those naked people on a screen.

    I'm trying to focus more on myself now and what I need to feel healthy and well. It's a process, though, and I find myself dwelling in darkness way too much. I was a happy, confident woman before all this crap. I know somehow I'll find my way back.
     
    Broken81 and anewhope like this.
  12. WantsToBelieve

    WantsToBelieve Fapstronaut

    248
    569
    93
    Thanks for that discovery, guys :emoji_dizzy_face: That's so crazy. I've been doing that this whole time too. Which begs the question in my mind... could I be addicted to the anxiety that this creates? The heart pounding, the anticipation of finding something, the cold sweats? That's just so illogical. WOW.
     
    Broken81 and Torn like this.
  13. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Broken81, Torn and WantsToBelieve like this.
  14. Broken81

    Broken81 Fapstronaut

    200
    527
    93
  15. Broken81

    Broken81 Fapstronaut

    200
    527
    93
    I don't think it's addiction to the pain. We have all been or are there. We just normal women dealing with abnormal shit in the best way we can.
     
    anewhope, Sadgirl and Kenzi like this.
  16. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Agree!!
     
  17. Broken81

    Broken81 Fapstronaut

    200
    527
    93
    [QUOTE="Torn, post: 1115931, member: I find myself dwelling in darkness way too much. I was a happy, confident woman before all this crap. I know somehow I'll find my way back.[/QUOTE]
    Me too, me too! That's why these feelings are so alien to me. I've never been the women to crumble under pressure. I always thought I'd be the women to break my cheating husband's nose, kick his sorry arse out, shred his suits, put his picture up on billboards. What I deemed to be 'strong' responses to pain/hurt. Instead I'm sobbing my heart in in a foetal position.
     
    anewhope, Sadgirl, Torn and 1 other person like this.
  18. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Me too, me too! That's why these feelings are so alien to me. I've never been the women to crumble under pressure. I always thought I'd be the women to break my cheating husband's nose, kick his sorry arse out, shred his suits, put his picture up on billboards. What I deemed to be 'strong' responses to pain/hurt. Instead I'm sobbing my heart in in a foetal position.[/QUOTE]
    Understand.
    But you can and must go on!
     
    Broken81 likes this.
  19. Broken81

    Broken81 Fapstronaut

    200
    527
    93
    So last night I had a bit of a set back. We were talking about our time in the US. Or I was talking and my husband was mumbling stuff. I was actually talking calmly and going over some incidents and times (unrelated or not about his porn) That had upset me. I was asking my husband how he felt/if he remembered this stuff. Anyway, after a little while he says 'I don't want to talk about this stuff, it just upsets me'. Then the bitter premenstrual monster reared its ugly head. 'So it's was okay for me to live this shit day in day out for years? It was okay for you to use me as your emotional punch bag and treat me like shit? And everyday you were lieing to me. (Insert more bitter nasty comments about his infidelity etc). I lived that shit for years and you can't talk to me for 1 hour?!!!! So i start crying and he starts crying. He tries to apologise and I storm off to bed. He comes to bed and I turn my back on him still sobbing and tell him I'm sleeping. He lays there rubbing my shoulder while I cry. I then have another go at him for not suggesting FANOS which we do every night. He asks if I want to do it and I snap No and sob some more. Im crying now because I know I've said things that while truthful, were hurtful. But now im a snotty sobbing mess. My nose was blocked and I couldn't catch my breath. So I'm sitting in bed taking huge wobbly shaking breaths why crying. And my husband is apologising and hugging me telling me to breathe. I'm apologising/crying for being hurtful and my husband is crying that he deserves it. I took a sedative and eventually slept like that. This is what i don't want to become, the women who throws things back at him in a non productive hurtful spiteful way. But my husband kept saying sorry, sorry for saying all the wrong things. Sorry for everything he's done. Damn hormones!!!!! Today my eyes are like puffy slits and I look like ive been on the grog all night. I'd better shower, find my big sunnies and get the light of my life to school.
     
  20. vxlccm

    vxlccm Fapstronaut

    In the times when running into this problem, it does seem to be a common response. Worse, it will annoy the PA then it becomes a problem, and then the SO gets more suspicious. I still consider it an extension of the actual addiction problem, though. It's the havoc that the fractured trust causes in the relationship. Anyone is easily advised to temper the discussion and leaven the tone so that the PA stays on track. Weak as a wife may feel, they are still generally stronger. Their support will come when their guy becomes a more honorable man. Which will happen, btw.

    It was good for me to read through the pain and aftermath. And recommit to the journey. Thank you for being brave and doing exactly what you're going. The journal is definitely your space to do with as you will. Streams of consciousness are common. Catharsis is common. Ejection is common. As is also common the healing that results over time and with your companion's recovery.
     

Share This Page