Renaissance - Journal of an SO

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Broken81, Oct 26, 2017.

  1. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    This bothers me that he said that about you throwing it in his face. Uh, no. He did all those things you listed, while married to you, you have every right to be upset and want to talk through it. I've told my husband before that I worry that in the future he is going to get tired of hearing about all this and talking about it and his response was that he has no right to get upset because he caused it all and he has to deal with it now, however much and however long it takes. I have read that it takes 2-5 years to heal from infidelity, and that is if the partner is doing everything right. I think your timeline of healing should be custom to you, and 60 days is not nearly long enough. I think that is really unrealistic.

    This is such an amazing way to put it, and so true! Way better than the way I put it to my husband last night, which is that I have pictured all our memories and him jacking off all over them, staining them. Yeah, not one of my finer moments, but seriously that is how I feel sometimes.

    I'm glad he did. I hope he realizes this is super hard for you do deal with, all the things he put you through that you didn't ask for. It is hard for them, but that doesn't mean they can't be sympathetic to us.
     
  2. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    I had to vent my own frustration this morning... But this is what I was coming back to say... Thanks reading my mind!!
     
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  3. Torn

    Torn Fapstronaut

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    I'm glad he finally came around to apologizing, @Broken81. What you described reminds me of how my bf would freeze up and turn into a "statue" (as I described it) when I'd share my feelings with him. I assumed that meant he didn't care and had no empathy. It felt HORRIBLE, and I felt completely and utterly abandoned when sharing my vulnerability with him. That went on until we started EFT couple's therapy, and I learned what was going on under the surface when he would freeze up like that. He was actually feeling sadness and fear. He just didn't know how or feel safe to express his feelings due to his upbringing, where unpleasant feelings were ridiculed and invalidated. I've seen it from his parents even in the present -- it's awful! I can see why he developed his coping mechanisms of shutting down -- and addiction. Thankfully, with EFT, he's responding much differently to my emotions now. It helps diffuse my strong reactions, so it helps both of us communicate more effectively.

    If you're interested in learning more about EFT, there are some books by Dr. Sue Johnson you can check out. His CSAT has us reading Hold Me Tight, and we're listening to her book Love Sense. His therapist also highly recommends Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love.

    I hope this helps! It sounds very similar to things I've experienced with my bf, like you and your hubby have a similar "dance" to ours, which is a pattern, which is the enemy, not each other, according to EFT.
     
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  4. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    I don't know... I feel like every SO recommends EFT.
    so much so, we thought it was the holy grail of therapy.
    I have tried it twice and it sux for us.
    I know EDMR is excellent for @novibe and a couple of others... But CBT is working out great for us.
    I think couples are like snowflakes.
    Alot of women want me to feel emotional responses.
    But if the emotions are there... Yet... Trying something else is good.
    And not to be discouraged.
    Like my SO had to change alot about himself to find his empathy.. And novibe couldn't relate because of blocking past trauma... So there was over emotion there.
    These aren't the only therapies, these are examples.
    Because if it's not working... Trying something new is not a waste
     
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  5. Torn

    Torn Fapstronaut

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    Yeah, @Kenzi, everybody is unique for sure. What works for one might not work for the next person/couple. If I hadn't already done a lot of trauma work, and if my bf hadn't already been in therapy as long as he has, EFT might not have been as effective for us. It's taken him AWHILE to recognize and unlock his emotions, just as it took a long time for me many years ago. Hell, I wouldn't even cry in front of anyone until my early 30's. It took a lot of work to even get there. Now, I feel and share my emotions pretty freely. It's not always easy and is often uncomfortable -- that's why it was extra-painful when I was braving sharing my emotions with my bf and was met with a giant wall or a bf who turned into a "statue."

    CBT and EMDR are also great evidence-based therapies. My bf is fortunate his CSAT does those, too, although my bf hasn't received EMDR. I have heard him talk about various CBT techniques he's learned, though.
     
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  6. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Behavior therapy is great.
    I bring it up specifically because it helps fetishes.
     
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  7. Torn

    Torn Fapstronaut

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    I bet it does. That makes sense.

    One of the first pieces of advice my bf received from his CSAT was a CBT technique that suggests taking an opposite action, such as physically turning away from an attractive woman instead of checking her out. He applies it to walking away from his desk instead of giving into an urge to view P, getting out of bed instead of lingering and fantasizing/M, etc.
     
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  8. Yes, EMDR has worked well for me. I am not sure it would work equally well for others, especially for my BF. For me it works perfectly and extremely fast, because I don't hide anything from myself or my therapist. I mean, some things are obviously hidden and I have to recover them, but I analyze them and as soon as I get an insight, I share it openly, even if it is embarrassing or very revealing. I know some people would have a problem with that.
    EFT and CBT are definitely helpful, but may not work on someone who is overly stubborn or analytical (like me). I find it a bit... how should I call it, like I can fool the process, because to me it takes too much time to be fooling myself into it in the first place. Like you have to fake it till you make it, so my mind constantly knows I am just pretending... I don't know if you understand me. With EMDR the insights are mine and they feel real, so it's easy to change my thinking or behavior, because I don't feel like I am doing anything unnatural.
     
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  9. Broken81

    Broken81 Fapstronaut

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    Thankyou for your insights into therapy etc. Due to location (rural australia) and funding (My husband cannot use his health insurance as all his therapy is reportable back to his employers which would jeapodise his employment). We are limited in our options. We are going to investigate marraige counselling this weekend, and look into other things.

    My husband further apologised last night about some of the things he said to me the night before. He explained why he got 'nasty' with his words. It was in retaliation to something vicious I said to him.
    He was right, I was angry and upset. When he said something about me upsetting him I said "yeah I was pretty upset too when a strange man cranked open my cervix in a traumatic and painful pelvic examination, that I had to have because you cheated on me". He knows that i found this incredibly traumatic. He knows it brought back very painful memories for me (And him, he was there too when we lost our baby twins). Now I'm not proud of myself for being so vindictive. It was in retaliation to my husband being angry but I realise two wrongs don't make a right. This is maybe the 3rd time in the last 2 months that I've purposefully said something to hurt him. I apologised to him. I asked him how often he thought I said vindictive things as opposed to just trying to talk. He said hardly ever. I explained to him that when I get upset, my first instinct is to make him feel the pain I feel. I have to work really hard not to be sarcastic or hurtful. I'm very sarcastic by nature, I can't tell you how many quick witted or biting remarks I hold back on a daily basis! Because I don't want to hurt him further. But I am working hard on not doing this, just as he is working hard on trying to be a better man. Sometimes the odd hurtful comment has slipped through the defences. But I'm working hard on trying to forgive and forget years of 'abuse' from him. Years of lieing and deceit. Years of infidelities. Sometimes he will have to just 'suck it up, princess'. Because I'm not perfect.
     
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  10. Broken81

    Broken81 Fapstronaut

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    It was an okay Saturday and today was better still. Those that have kept up with my verbal diarreah know this seems to be a trend for me. I think I figured out why this morning. So i am grieving. For my marriage, the last few terrible years, for the future. The five most talked about stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I've bounced between the first 4 like a crazy game of ping pong. And just when I've cried all the tears I think I'll ever cry and I feel better, I find myself back in the game again, bouncing. I do not accept the truth. I know what has happened. I can write about what my husband did. I can cry tears and be in pain. But I never really accept it. What my husband has put me through in the last few years was abhorrent. His anger, his indifference, his broken promises, his deceit, his PMO abuse, his infidelities. I KNOW what he did, but some part of me refuses to believe it. How could the man I fell in love with, the man I married, bore a child to, lost babies with, shared my life with, that I trusted implicitly to be faithful, even during the bad times, have done this? The actions and behaviour of the last few years are so far removed from what I expected, from the man i married, that I don't think I reach acceptance. I mean, I know he did this. But then I can't believe it's all happened, and it puts me right back into the turmoil again. Into despair and denial and tears. Im not sure how long it will take my brain and my emotions to reconnect again. I'm not going to try and 'hurry' this process just so my husband feels better (and after his few 'wobbles', I feel he finally understands that I need to take my own time to grieve/heal). I just hope it doesn't take too long, I feel emotionally and physically exhausted. I have a few autoimmune diseases and I need to get bloods done soon to check my immune response to the last few months. I'm pretty sure it's not going to be good, this much stress and emotional turmoil can't be good for my health. Fingers X'd.
     
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  11. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    I told my husband I was feeling this way too. Totally shock and disbelief still, but I know it is true. It is just so difficult.
     
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  12. Broken81

    Broken81 Fapstronaut

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    It is. It's all consuming, physically exhausting and emotionally draining. Some days I just want to stay in bed all day. I miss my friends from the US terribly, if I was still there I wouldn't have to go through this alone. Ive told a close friend on the phone a 'condensed' (think readers digest) version. It's not the same. I'm really close to my family but I don't feel like I can tell them what's going on, especially via WhatsApp. I don't want them to think less of my hubs. Which just leaves the one that caused all the pain to comfort me. And all you lovely fapstronauts. Hugs to you @TryingToHeal and all of you x
     
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  13. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    Thanks, hugs back to you. And I know what you mean. I haven't told anyone, that's also really difficult.
     
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  14. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    I have one friend I actually told and one friend who sort of knows something happened... Can't burst the Life bubble, you know?
     
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  15. Broken81

    Broken81 Fapstronaut

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    I just dropped my son off to school. I made a coffee (the fourth one this morning and it's only 0920). I'm sitting in my living room unable to prize myself out of this chair. I feel so totally exhausted. My limbs feel heavy, like I've run a marathon. Some of this feeling I know is the 'hangover' of the two sleeping tablets i took last night to block out the world. I wanted to feel nothing. Some of it is sheer exhaustion. I spent an hour and a half crying last night over this new thought. I have been with my husband for 12 years. For at least 7.5 of those 12 years he fantasized, lusted and eventually met in real life the objects of his desire. That's nearly 2/3 of our relationship he spent loving other women instead of me. During those 7.5 years porn slowly changed him into someone I didn't recognise. It took his love for life, his empathy, his patience, his happiness. It happened so gradually that he didn't notice what he'd become.
    He was like a frog boiling in a pot, the water gradually becoming pleasantly warmer, not noticing when the water was boiling and killing him. I stood outside of the pot for years. I got splashed by the boiling water. Droplets of hurt hit me all the time. They burnt me but not enough to see the water. The pot to me was invisible. I could see he was changing. I slowly watched him burn, become angry. He took the pain out on me. He drank in excess to numb the burning. He blamed me for being too hot. When I saw the pot of water for what it was I told him. I begged him to get out. Still he remained. The water felt good to him, tbe outside air too cold. Eventually I climbed into that boiling water myself and pulled him out.
    Now he can finally see the damage that has been done to both of us. He can see how he sat in that pot not caring that he was hurting me. It bothers me that he didn't jump out himself. That he never cared enough to listen to me. To understand how although being in that pot was never about me, that it affected me just the same. That for years i took the brunt of the steam. The splashes. And now we are both burnt. And some days I just don't know how to stop the pain.
    If it took 7.5 years to get to this point, will it take the same again to be happy? To forgive? To fight? I don't know. I do know that 2 months after I pulled him out of that water, my burns are still agony. The cold water my husband pours over both of us by trying to be a better man, it helps. But sometimes the pain is just unbearable and I just need to cry. I only hope I am strong enough to heal. For both of us.
     
  16. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Yeah... Too bad that Disney tried to teach us little girls, frogs are princes right?
    No.
    Sometimes they are frogs.
    Maybe I like frogs. *shrugs
    But a frog is a frog is a frog .
     
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  17. I just wanted to say how eloquently you described this awful experience. I imagine all us SOs and even PAs will be able to see themselves in your analogy. Sharing the pain. And hope. I wish you healing in yourself and your marriage. Hugs
     
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  18. Broken81

    Broken81 Fapstronaut

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    I'm not entirely sure I didn't basterdize someone else's analogy with the frog in the pot idea (although the writing is mine, the idea may not be). I remember using it when I spoke with my psychologist, but I may have read it in one of the hundreds of articles/forums/posts/books etc I have digested lately, on all manner of addiction and betrayal, that I may well have plagiarized it :-/
    Thank-you for your kind words. I really feel that when I write things down, it helps me to make sense of the many thoughts and feelings that overwhelm and overcrowd my brain at times.
     
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  19. The frog in a pot analogy is a familiar one of course but it was the detailed deconstruction and side by side comparison of your experience that really moved me. :) So many terrible feelings associated with this issue. Burning and boiling and scarring all seem apt descriptions as does the gradual descent and acclimation into the addiction.

    I too find and make sense of my thoughts best through written words. My mouth usually can't keep up with the whirling and so it all gets muddled.
     
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  20. Broken81

    Broken81 Fapstronaut

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    It's been a tough week. Wednesday night culminated in the biggest barney we've ever had. It number of things contributed to the high emotions. A few misunderstandings. A few insensitive remarks. No sleep. It all came to a head on Wednesday night. There were tears, there was shouting. Hubs told me he was leaving. He was pulling clothes out of drawers and yelling at me that he was leaving 'for me'. That it wasn't fair to put me through this. I was enraged. I was more angry than I've ever been in my life. I was screaming at him and shaking with rage. I was saying if he leaves, he does it for him, not me. He does not get to decide for ME. He does not get to blame me for him leaving. If you go, you do it for YOU not for ME. I'm ashamed to admit that in the midst of all this I slapped him across the arm as hard as I could. Then i pulled the shorts out of his hands and hit him with them. He laid back on the bed saying 'go on, hit me. I deserve it'. I've never hit anyone before. I do not condone violence to women or man. I just pretty much ended up on the floor, foetal position, sobbing my heart out, ashamed, and broken. I have never ever felt so out of control. Looking back on it is kind of hazy. I scared myself. I guess when hubs said he was leaving it put me back to D day. When he said he was leaving to kill himself. We both promised never to walk out or try to leave during an argument but he was doing just that, and blaming me. I'm not condoning or excusing my physical violence. I'm not proud of what I did. In fact it down right scared the shit out of me. I think I cried all night. My husband had to go to work but he actually drove home at lunch to check on me. He came home early and we went to bed early just to cuddle. To be close. We both apologised. We cannot let it get that bad again. The anger with me is a fairly new emotion. It's just been despair and sadness but I haven't really been angry. Except two or three times when I've fallen asleep at night just for a few minutes or half hour, and I've woken up inexplicable angry at hubs when I went to sleep fine/cuddling. I actually didn't realise I'd fallen asleep but I was suddenly panicked or angry. Actually it was after one of these 'episodes' that we argued last as I just started having a go at him. I did wonder if I'd had like a bad dream/night terror type thing without realizing. I normally remember my dreams though. I have had a lot of nightmares specific to his infidelities (dreams about catching him in the act mostly). I don't have another appointment with my psych until Xmas, I was thinking about getting a Skype appointment with a SAI-T specialist. I'm still having pretty vivid flash backs of things, intrusive thoughts, what I imagine are panic attacks (racing/thudding heart, feel like I can't breathe). I also keep getting this shaky all over feeling, kind of like if you've skipped a meal. Except when I eat it doesn't go away. I feel so overwhelmed by everything. And then I think I'm going crazy for feeling so bad by it all. I mean, people go through bad shit all the time. People get cancer. People die. People cheat. Shit happens. Why am I finding this all so hard to cope with? I always considered myself a strong person. I've moved home and country countless times. I've had 3 careers (4 if you count stay at home mum). I've experienced my fair share of loss and grief. Yet 2 months after D day I'm still such a mess :-(
     
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