Renaissance - Journal of an SO

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Broken81, Oct 26, 2017.

  1. Wow you articulate what you are
    Feeling/experiencing so very well! You are a strong woman! This particular issue just eats at our most vulnerable places deep down inside. Then when we think we can’t feel worse..we do. It brings out things in us that we don’t even like about ourselves and we don’t recognize. It’s a dark force we never invited into our lives let along our marriage which is supposed to be a sacred and safe institution. It’s destoys. Not just the addict but everyone in its path. From the sound of it though..you are going to come out on top of this! You have compassion and I think that is an important piece in the healing process. For you and your marriage. You are working through the stages and identifying them and understanding yourself and what your think & feeling. You are pretty amazing actually! You are doing a great job even if it doesn’t always feel that way. Hang in there!
     
  2. What happened to Brokens 4 through 80?

    Joking aside, try not to beat yourself up for struggling to cope. Your demonstrable fortitude in what you have achieved in life isn't a fair comparison. In fact, it may make things worse. You take pride in being able to carry burdens, meet challenges. But in a relationship, you willingly give over some of the responsibility for your happiness and well being to someone else. That's an incredible amount of trust. The more self-sufficient one is, presumably the more trust that requires. To feel that trust has been betrayed - I can't imagine it.

    Wishing you the best of luck.
     
  3. They are all here just with different names ;)
     
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  4. Broken81

    Broken81 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks @Broken3. I just wish I could control my emotions as well as I can articulate them! I've always been an overthinker/overanalyser. I've suffered insomnia for years because I simply can't shut my brain off. It could be something simple or unimportant that won't stop running through my mind. I'm also an organizer, I'm great at organising moves and travel and stressful situations because I normally book/plan AND factor in a contingency. But my brain has something big and important to obsess over, and it's not something I can organise or plan or change. I think I'm really struggling to deal with this because it's out of my control. I can't stop my husband relapsing or lying. I can't change his infidelities. I can't change the last 7 years. So it makes it really hard for me to accept everything and stop obsessing/ruminating. I will have to work really hard to change how I deal with this to be able to cope at all I think.
     
  5. 100% !!!

    I think that’s one of the biggest challenges...the fact that we can’t control it..it’s completely up to them and..well they’ve proven to be pretty incompetent when it comes to self control. The obsessing comes in waves I think..at least for me it does. I have to force myself out of it to concentrate on something I actually CAN control or have to get done. For being so fresh in your journey...I’m impressed...I’m 3yrs post discovery (although I’d say I only got 100% serious this past May) and I’m probably still in a very similar emotional state as you are. Sometimes I have to just tell myself to stop giving a [email protected]$/ bc if he’s going to do something...he’s going to do it regardless and there is honestly NOTHING I could do to stop him. If he ruins our marriage it’s on him and I will know I did everything I could to help and support him.

    Definitely lean on those in this forum. I’ve learned so much about all this from being here and others experiences, victories, trials and journeys. Everyone’s is slightly different but it all helps.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 25, 2017
  6. Broken81

    Broken81 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks @AverageBear It certainly sucks big style that the person I trusted most in the world betrayed me. I also find it really hard that I question who I am over his actions. I don't think I really realised until recently how much of my sexual confidence and self worth was chipped away over the years. Every broken promise, every angry outbursts made me feel a little bit more worthless. I wasn't worth the truth. I wasn't worth coming home to. Or staying faithful for. So many more reasons to feel less than worth it. I know from him (and most other PAs point of views) it was never about me. But IT IS my feelings and self worth that were collateral damage in an ugly addiction.
     
  7. A new day

    A new day Fapstronaut

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    My husband’s PA began as he was coping with his ex-wife who was a prescription drug abuser turn heroine addict. She often abandoned the family in pursuit of drugs. She prostituted herself for it. He already had abandonment issues as his mom died when he was 18 months old.

    I’m saying this to encourage you to stay in treatment so you can avoid developing addictions of your own. I’m already finding myself slipping into codependent behaviors I’ve done in the past to avoid the loneliness and sense of rejection and disappointment and helplessness.

    One tool I found in the past was to deliberately allow myself to ride the waves of emotions to develop a tolerance. So I won’t be afraid the emotions will run everything. By doing that I honor myself without succumbing to anxiety or depression or acting out.
     
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  8. A new day

    A new day Fapstronaut

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    It’s been my experience that people create what they are most afraid of. Addicts and their lovers are often terrified of genuine intimacy and vulnerability. If that’s the case with you two, he may have created this situation unconsciously to avoid emotional intimacy with you. Then you do exactly that by withdrawing.

    If there is any remedy it would be bravely opening your heart to his affection while trusting your own boundaries. Melting into your own heart in his arms will encourage him to keep connecting to you. As he overcomes his fear of connecting his addiction will have less draw.

    Be strong on the inside and soft on the outside. This will attract him to you and away from his compulsions.
     
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  9. A new day

    A new day Fapstronaut

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    Great point. We lovers of addicts are of over-functioning, over-responsible folks. Part of recovery becomes learning to give up some of that so others can began to take up the slack and develop. Also your awesome power can be used to empower your own recovery from the tendency we often have to fan the flames of addiction.
     
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  10. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    Interesting insights, thank you for sharing. Very possible, but his chronic lying is really contributing to me running away.
     
  11. A new day

    A new day Fapstronaut

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    What boundaries have you set for yourself concerning truth. What level of dishonesty have you agreed to live with without consequences. Are you willing to defend those boundaries no matter what? The thing about boundaries is you must only trust you to stand for you. It becomes less about what he does than what you’ll live with.

    I don’t know your story. I’m really sorry you’ve clearly dealt with a lot of painful stuff. I speak these things as much to myself as to you.
     
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  12. Broken81

    Broken81 Fapstronaut

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    So after a Manic Monday I'm now doing Thoughtful Tuesday. Yesterday for most of the day i found it really hard to stop being upset. I tried to distract my way out of it, I decided to take the dog to the beach, but found myself crying in the car there. I called down enough for a walk but when I got home I just felt unbelievably sad again. I succumbed to sitting in my chair and crying for about 2 hours on and off. For a host of different reasons, it wasn't one particular thing that made me feel so emotional. I know my hubs is worried, he called while I was crying. He could hear I was upset. He wanted to come home but I told him I just wanted to cry it out before I picked my son up. We went for our evening walk around our reserve and talked about everything. My husband expressed his concern over me, he is worried I am not coping and wants me to go back to the doctors. I agree I'm not coping well on the bad days. But I am still functioning, I can still plaster on the fake smile for my son, make our meals, read to our son before bed. I explained to him that Yes, I have days where once my son is in school I just want to curl up and cry. But the thing is, I have genuine reasons to be sad. As we walked I listed the separate issues that have been brought to a head or discovered in the last 2 months. Not just his PA or 11 separate infidelities or the 50K++ he's spent on other women. I'm grieving over the first time I tried to help him, after the major hardrive discovery in June. I'm trying to unjumble the mess of emotions that our 3 years in the US has made of my head. Every argument. Every discussion. Everytime I tried to tell my husband I thought he was depressed. Every time I threatened to leave and didn't. I'm constantly questioning why I stayed with my husband when I can now see how desperately unhappy we both were. Him because of his addiction and the knock on effect to his mood And every other aspect of his life.
    I have done a lot of pondering of why I stayed. I didn't believe my husband loved me, and I told him this a number of times. I have wondered if the antidepressants I went on 5 years ago helped dumb down my feelings of sadness over the relationship, but also didn't allow me to feel very happy either. I can actually remember saying to my husband while visiting the grand canyon, that I think we'd had too many holidays and seen so many great things because it didn't really feel very impressive to me. Often it didn't even feel real, like I was walking around in a dream.
    I am now seriously considering the reason I went on antidepressants. At the time I was struggling with what I thought was bad PMT for about 2 weeks out of the 4 in my cycle. My husband and I were arguing a lot. About the lack of intimacy and his moodiness. He constantly told me I was being unreasonable, there was nothing wrong with him except his job was incredible demanding and keeping him busy. This is the job that kept him locked in his study PMOing for hours a day. I'm now realising that probably I wasn't being unreasonable, that my husband HAD started changing. That he wasn't emotionally engaged to me because he was spending hours with other women. That he was moody because he'd started spending money on his habits and was probably feeling guilty. And Yes, my PMS didn't help things every month as this is when I would get teary/or angry. But in hindsight I had reason to be. So i believed the problem was me and for the first time in my life started taking antidepressants. Shortly after this my husband started working away again during the week, 7am and with a young child to look after on my own, we didn't really have time to argue on weekends. And the the US came and once again I believed it the problem was me. I mean, who feels unloved and unwanted when their husband takes them on holiday every couple of months? I was constantly told how lucky I was. My hubs was always the life and soul of the party on social occasions (probably because he spent them all drunk). But I was the one left at home. Neglected and let down. Unloved and unwanted. And most of the time trying to keep up the pretence of being happy and lucky. I guess I'm finally dealing with all these emotions on top of everything else.
    Yes, it has been 2 months. And I probably have more good days/hours than bad days. I said to my husband last night that I have an awful lot of reasons to feel upset. I don't think I should try and rush them, or go back on antidepressants until I'm giving myself another few months at least. And then if I'm still crying a lot I'll go back to doctors. I'm enjoying the good times too. I'm enjoying making love with my husband a few times a week. FANOS every night. Hugs/kisses. Holding hands. Being closer than we ever were before. Its not all bad. Not even close.
     
  13. I think you are smart and strong to wait out going on meds. I’m all for them if all other avenues have been exhausted but for the most part they mask the symptoms not treat the problem. Hmm..exactly what just abstaining from PMO does without working recovery..

    Just my opinion but..as nice as it would be to feel happy all the time it’s not our only emotion and I think we were designed to “feel” them all and therefore strong enough to “feel” them.

    I admire your outlook :)
     
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  14. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    Awwwww I am so sorry. I have tears for you- I can relate to and feel your pain. 2 months is still hugely new to be dealing with all of the emotions and rewinding amd living the past relationship over with knowing eyes now. Have you heard of bloom for women? It is online support- not super active, but I find the videos really helpful.
    I too understand about anti depressents. When I was on them I felt like I could see my emotions, but not feel them. They did numb the joy for me as well. I love Dr. Kelly Brogan's book "A Mind Of Your Own" about mental health- her ideas are really inspiring.
    Anyhow, please know that you are heard, validated, and are not alone.
     
    Last edited: Nov 28, 2017
  15. Broken81

    Broken81 Fapstronaut

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    I've been feeling much better since Tuesday. We nearly had a falling out over a silly misunderstanding. I thought he'd made a very insensitive and hurtful comment to me, when in fact he was having a dig at himself over not lasting very long during sex (there's a sentence I have never had the need to type before ;-) ). When he realised what I thought he meant, he was mortified. It just goes to show how much a throw away comment can cut deep, and how a misunderstanding can escalate.
    I'm not sure I'm looking forward to Xmas. It's my favourite time of the year, but I know on Christmas day he was webcamming with one of the women he was unfaithful with, and on boxing day he was emailing her to meet up.
    My uncle is staying for a week from Sunday. I will constantly be pretending to be okay. What's the saying? Fake it till you make it? I'm going to try and take a week off grieving and stressing and being angry and upset. I think giving my poor body a rest will do me some good. I will simply try to convince myself that I'm okay and just enjoy having a family member around. Let's see how this goes.....
     
  16. Broken81

    Broken81 Fapstronaut

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    **There may be some triggering words in the following post**
    So I have had a week off all this sh*t. Its been good in some ways, during the day I had to keep my uncle amused. Sometimes I would be mid conversation, or doing something, and I'd suddenly remember something or have an unwanted though about my husband with other women. When it happened my heart would start to pound and I'd get the pain in my chest/stomach. I had to work really hard to think of something else and act normal in front of my uncle. sometimes I would get into bed at night and cry. Its been my pms week too so it was probably good to have the distraction of hosting.
    On one night I had another one of those night terror/upset/angry incidents. Its weird, its like I can fall asleep in an okay mood, be asleep for a few minutes and wake up distraught/angry at hubs. It's like nothing he can do or say will be right. I'm thankful this time my uncle was in the next room so I couldn't lose my shit completely at hubs, but I was still crying/distraught for a few hours. These 'incidents' have happened about 7 times now, almost always I fall asleep very briefly. Sometimes I don't realise I've fallen asleep. When it happens I just lose it completely, like I've been possessed and just can't control the anger/hurt. Our 2 biggest arguments since d-day have been after these incidents.
    On a whole things are good. My husband is still clean although I did worry I had triggered him one night. Basically I was looking at lingerie online (I'm a G cup and find it hard to find nice underwear/lingerie). It was a toss up between 3 so I showed them to my husband to see which one he preferred. A little while later he was aroused, we were intimate but then I started to worry that it was because of the pictures I showed him (which were nothing like what he used to view). He assured me it was the thought of me in lingerie and being cuddled up which did it for him, but I am still worried that I inadvertently hindered his progress.
    My husband has had a number of 'morning glories' over the last few weeks. This is something that hasn't happened in years (since the addiction started I guess). I take this as a good sign of him healing. Another thing I have noticed is that when we are intimate, his erections are harder than they have ever been in our entire relationship. I guess porn/masturbation/anxiety really affected his erections in the past. Its amazing the difference I see in him physically and mentally since going P free.
    My husband has been told to really think about why he turned to porn by his psychologist. I think my biggest fear will be he decides it was because he didn't love me enough. Its only in the last few weeks that I have realised just how much of my confidence and self worth were slowly eradicated by my husbands rejection and treatment of me. I have been reflecting a lot on why I stayed with someone I believed didn't love me, and I think one of the reasons was I had started to believe that if my husband didn't want to have sex with me, spend time with me, socialise with me etc, then why would anyone else? It makes me really sad to realise how much my husbands PMO addiction affected me just as much as it did him, without either of us realising what the problem was.
    Its been 9 weeks since I found out about my husbands escort use. I still can't think about it without my heart pounding, struggling to catch my breath and crying. Its so conflicting for me to be so in love with the man who is trying so hard to be a better husband, dad and person now, but its the same man who put me through hell for years. Its like I have been married to two men and they have taken it in turns to put me down and build me up over the years. I hate the other man and what he has put me through. I hate him for not listening to me when I told him he was changing or depressed. I hate him for cheating and lying. I hate him for not being able to see what he was doing to me. I hate him for rejecting me time and time again, chipping away at my confidence and self worth. I hate him for not being able to see it was the addiction that was changing him. How can your wife beg you to love her and you claim to not have any desire, but be lying about your secret double life. Sometimes I just fail to see how he couldn't understand this?
    And then I love the man that had tears in his eyes the day we got married. I love the man who made me laugh so hard when we were dating. I love the man that loves animals and nature as much as I do. I love the man that held me as I grieved for our lost babies. I love the man that was by my side for the birth of our child. I love the man that has cried tears because of my pain and what he has done. And then I'm so angry that he let his addiction spiral so far out of control. So hurt that he couldn't see how he was destroying us. I'm so upset that he didn't love me enough to do something when I told him what he was doing to me, how he made me feel. I'm devastated he broke my heart into a million pieces.
    It's so exhausting carrying around these emotions and feelings every second of the day, not knowing which one will want to explode from me in tears or anger or love.
    I guess if I didn't love my husband so much, all this wouldn't hurt so much. If I thought he was the type to cheat I wouldn't have been so blindsided by his infidelity. If I thought he could of hurt me like this I would have never cared for him so fiercely. A famous Dolly Parton quote: 'If you want the rainbow, you've got to put up with the rain.' Well I feel like its been a super storm complete with cyclones, Tsunamis and earthquakes. I just hope the rainbow is worth it.
     
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  17. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    I feel this same way. Hugs to you. :emoji_blue_heart:
     
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  18. Torn

    Torn Fapstronaut

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    I feel the exact same way (with the exception we're not married). Thinking of you and hoping you find peace.
     
  19. Broken81

    Broken81 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks Torn for your continued support. I truely hope it works out for you too. Always here if you need me x
     
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  20. Broken81

    Broken81 Fapstronaut

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    Hugs to you too. Thank you x
     

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