Renaissance - Journal of an SO

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Broken81, Oct 26, 2017.

  1. Broken81

    Broken81 Fapstronaut

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    89 days since hubs last viewed porn.
    7,689,600 seconds
    128,160 minutes
    2136 hours
    24.38% of 2017
    Not that I'm counting or anything ;-)
     
  2. TIMMY0110

    TIMMY0110 Fapstronaut

    Hi Broken 81,

    Thats amazing.. Congrats. You must be proud of achievement. Keep up the fabulous work. God bless you
     
    Broken81 likes this.
  3. Broken81

    Broken81 Fapstronaut

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    100 days of no PM for my husband today. On a whole things are going okay. There have been a few arguments and a few stresses, but it's that time of year, right? There was a 'thing' on his phone after he was away the night for work. On his Google account it lists 2 devices, one being an Optus one. The last time this was accesed was July so I'd always assumed it was the spare SIM he bought to circumnavigate the covenant eyes back when he was pretending to give up porn. It said this device had been accesed the day he was duty. He assured me he had no idea what it was. Tbh I didn't think too much of it as the time it was 'accessed' I know where he was. And we met him for lunch straight after this time. I have to give him the benefit of the doubt. And I did until today. Until I caught him out in a lie. A STUPID lie about a sausage roll.
    So I was baking gingerbread cookies for the neighbours. I didn't want to move all my decorating stuff to make lunch so I sent hubs to the bakery for a couple of sausage rolls for lunch for him and our son. He came back with bread rolls because it was Xmas eve and everything else was sold out. He stood opposite me and gave me the spiel of how he'd gone to 2 shops to try and get stuff but there was nothing so he bought these rolls to make sandwiches. I could smell cooked food (ie pie or sausage roll) so I asked what else he'd bought. He stood there and said just the rolls. I asked "Did you already eat a sausage roll then?". "No, I told you they had sold out". "Why can I smell them Then?" He replied "I don't know". I look at him. I can't understand why he is obviously lying. I walk around the counter and say "let me smell your breath". He laughs and says "okay, there was one sausage roll left so I ate it there".
    "Ummmm okay. That's fine. But why the hell did you lie? About a frikken sausage roll. I dont understand. Why lie?".
    He starts making a shed load of excuses. I don't care about the sausage roll. I'm a freaking vegetarian, I don't even eat them. But I care that you lied. It now makes me wonder what else you are lying about. It is ridiculous that you are trying to build trust back with me but yet you lie so easily to me over something so stupid. I am trying not to worry about it too much. I'm pretty sure he is still PM free. He is still intimate with me. Successfully. If he was PMOing I doubt this would be the case. But now there is a seed of doubt. I have to do my best to kill this seed before it grows. I want to be happy that it is 100 days. I hope it really is. I hope he is not pretending again. The problem is, I don't know when he is lying now. I hate this lack of trust. I hate not knowing.
    He has offered to leave his phone at home. To install anything I want to prove he is PM free. I don't see the point. He got around the covenant eyes. If he really wanted to, he'd find a way. I just have to hope that I mean more to him than PM does. That he really is 100 days free.

    Merry Christmas everyone. Stay safe. Stay happy. Stay Porn free. Love your SOs. Love your babies. But most of all, love yourselves. God bless.
     
  4. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    I'm sorry. The lying is the worst. I had a similar situation happen a couple of weeks ago and I'm still not over it because for me it just made me feel like things weren't where I thought they were. Hugs to you.
     
  5. The lying is the worst and the doubt and lack of trust. So really the whole thing sucks o_O but celebrate what victories you can! 100 days is great! Just remember to trust your intuition bc it’s usually right. You’d know if he was lying. That kind of facade can only be sustained for so long.

    I hope you get to relax and just enjoy your holidays! Have a very Merry Christmas!
     
  6. Broken81

    Broken81 Fapstronaut

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    Well he is duty again today so will be away for tonight. It's a hard day for me, him being away is a trigger. Boxing day is a trigger (due to him arranging real life sessions on this day two years ago).
    I have kept myself busy with my son. We've taken the dog for a long walk, been for a swim in the pool and a walk/play/explore on the beach, then played trains and wii. I'm hoping to tire him out so we can both go to bed early. I can take a sleeping tablet and be blissfully knocked out until morning.
    Xmas day was nice. I got some really thoughtful presents for the first time in a few years (including a memory foam steering wheel cover so I stop burning my hands - the inside of my black car gets hot as the sun inside). Hubs was clearly tired but still kept up the pace.
    He talked to me about how stupid/bad he felt for lying. He explained that he was ashamed he'd eaten when he didn't get anything for us, and he also wanted more food and knew I'd disapprove (we are both trying to be healthier), and just lied in the moment. I guess shame and lying go hand in hand for PAs. It's something he has been doing day in and day out for years and if he slips up, I'd rather it be about a sausage roll than porn. Silver lining and all that! I know he is trying hard. Maybe I'm setting my expectations too high too soon, I mean he is quitting habits he has fallen back on for years and years. I'm not perfect, none of us are. Sometimes I need to focus on what he IS doing and not what he isn't.
    - He is no longer angry all the time.
    - He is initiating intimacy.
    - He is being a better, more patient, fun dad.
    - He is now being faithful to me and intimate with JUST me.
    - He seems much happier.
    - He engages better with my son and I.
    - He is more enthusiastic about things.
    It's been 102 days since he quit PM. I keep telling him to give me time and I need to do the same for him. Focus on the things he has changed and not the kinks that need ironing out.
    He bought me such a thoughtful Xmas card, the words were so appropriate I might type it up later.
    I hope everyone else is having an awesome Christmastime (or non denominational holidaytime).
     
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  7. Broken81

    Broken81 Fapstronaut

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    They are such Muppets sometimes. I hope you are having a nice time. Hugs back at you!
     
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  8. Broken81

    Broken81 Fapstronaut

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    I worry all the time that I can't tell when he is lying. But I really do think he is telling the truth about being PM free. And the physical evidence doesn't lie, I highly doubt he would be performing as well if he was back on the porn. I hope you had a lovely Xmas.
     
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  9. Torn

    Torn Fapstronaut

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    You made some great points. After my bf's slip (looking at album art) last week, I got some helpful responses from PA's here that reminded me it might not have been intentional and that sex is advertised almost everywhere. It's hard to not stumble upon something at some point. He really is trying diligently and is serious about stopping PM for good. Fortunately, we're experiencing the same benefits you listed. I've been so impressed with how much more grounded and calm he is in general, how he handles his daughters' behavior and other stressful situations, how he initiates intimacy with me, and how he's just more loving and present all around. It's wonderful, and I'm glad you have your SO back, too! I hope you had a very merry Christmas!
     
  10. Broken81

    Broken81 Fapstronaut

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    Torn I'm happy for you too! I have to keep reminding myself that he has turned his life around. He has quit PM. He has let go of his massive anger issues. He is a much nicer person to be around. I really don't think I've been giving him enough credit for what he is doing, instead focusing on what more I need from him. I need to stop focusing on what he has done in the past and start concentrating on what he is doing here in our present and brighter looking future. It's hard. It's hard not to wallow in the pain he caused, or to be thrown back into that dark place when he says something insensitive. But I need to make more effort too. Afterall, our marraige is a partnership which means we both have to work hard. Sometimes lately I've been in danger of letting hubs willingly take ALL the blame for everything that has ever, or is going wrong. This isn't fair. Neither of us is prefect and it's time I stepped up too.
     
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  11. And THAT is the attitude that will get you to success! Good for you @Broken81 you sound like you are also healing and growing. I’m happy for you!
     
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  12. Broken81

    Broken81 Fapstronaut

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    I don't seem to be able to practise what I preached in my last post. These last few weeks I seem to have slipped into what I can only describe as a funk. I can't even pinpoint when things started going wrong. I guess the simcard incident, and then the stupid sausage roll saga, the huge row we had a few weeks ago have all contributed to this downwards spiral. I seem to be constantly cranky with hubs. Intimacy has declined since he made insensitive remarks a few weeks ago, which just kicked my confidence out of the door. He keeps trying, I keep declining. Things just don't feel right. I'm terrified that the shock has worn off. The hysterical bonding has ceased and now I'm just left feeling angry and confused. I don't know what to do or how to pull myself out of this fog of uncertainty. I'm terrified that this is the end, that I've given up caring. This time of year doesn't help. I got some lovely presents off hubs, really thoughtful. Except I don't really feel happy. This then makes me feel so ungrateful, after all who doesn't feel happy when they've been given gifts, and done nice things over Christmas? I should be thankful my husband is pmo free and I have everything I need. Instead I am feeling kind of numb and angry. And then I feel bad for being so selfish which just makes me feel worse, like a vicious circle of bad feelings. Half the time I'm not even sure what it is I'm feeling, just that something isn't right. Then I start to wonder if I don't feel right because he is PMOing again. I'm not sure how he could, I have access to his phone/laptop and he no longer has a bank account to pay for anything. But then I think he hid it well enough for years and years so he could be hiding it better now. He assures me he isn't and is willing to do anything to prove it. He has even offered to leave his phone at home if he leaves the house. I didn't have these doubts a few weeks ago. I'm just so unsure of everything right now and I don't know what to do to make it right. I don't even know what he can do to make it right, or if there is anything he can do at all. And I hate being so uncertain about everything.
     
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  13. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    I know exactly how you feel. I've felt the same way for over a month now. I think things are slowly starting to return, though. Maybe give it some time?
     
  14. Sry you’re feeling this way. Been there. I’m sure I’ll unfortunately be there again because he only seems to try when I’m at that point. The problem is I don’t like being there..for me. I like being positive and a happy person so I’ve just decided “F” him basically. I’m going to make myself happy. He can have the burden of his addiction...I don’t want the misery anymore. I chose happiness and he can be responsible for his recovery. Unfortunately he’s not doing much in the sense of recovery and that will eventually make me miserable again. It’s a nasty cycle :(. Hang in there and try not to stay in the funk for too long. Choose happiness when and where you can. Do something nice for you!
     
  15. Broken81

    Broken81 Fapstronaut

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    We talked a lot last night. I told him how sad I am about so many things and I'm really struggling to get them in order to deal with them.
    I always wanted more than 1 child. Every time family or friends asked when I was having another I would blame the health complications from my first pregnancy. In reality in order to get pregnant my husband would actually need to have sex with me, something he rarely wanted to do whilst PMOing, which he did constantly since getting pregnant 7 years ago. I never told anyone about our lack of sex life, after all, I was ashamed. Ashamed and incredibly hurt that my husband was never intimate with me. Even my husband used to talk about more kids, and every time I would actually say 'well you would need to have sex with me for that to happen'. But even that didn't seem to be enough for him to realise the reason he didn't want sex with me was because he was addicted to his fetish. So we didn't have more kids because my husband was PMOing, and now we will probably never have more kids, because my husband is an addict.
    I keep asking him how I could tell him how unhappy I was with no intimacy and how inadequate his porn use and fetish material made me feel (years before we found out it was an addiction) how he could do nothing. I can understand how if I had never told him those things, how he could compartmentalise the porn and me. But I fail to understand how I could tell him again and again how I needed intimacy and I needed to feel wanted and he did NOTHING about it. He let me feel terrible about myself. He even convinced me the problems were mine. Even if he couldn't see it was the porn, he still spent years thinking about nobody but himself. It devastates me that I told him how much he was hurting me yet he continued to do it.
    It really messes with my head (for want of another way of putting it) to think that for the last 6 years I kept trying to talk to my husband about his aggression and discontent and general decline into depression. I tried to talk to my mum and family members to tell them how unhappy I was. I love them all, but they helped me to believe the problems I had were mine. I was constantly told how lucky I was. We were financially comfortable, we had lots of holidays and we had everything we needed. And the pretence my husband put on in front of family and friends further convinced people that I was just whinging. That I should be happier. I knew something was not right for years. But being constantly told by everyone else that it must be me, I started to believe they were right. To find out I was right about something being wrong makes the last 6 years seem like I was living a lie, even though it was my husband living the lie. It makes me sad I didn't trust my own instincts enough. It makes me angry that I went on antidepressants because I was told I was wrong to feel how I was feeling, when in reality those feelings and emotions were a normal reaction to my husbands treatment of me and his behaviour while in his PMO fog. The behaviour he denied was happening for so long.
    I questioned my husband again about his infidelities. Since he told me about his performance anxieties, I have wondered if that was the real reason he never took his sessions further than watching and Ming. I asked him if he didn't have sex with them because he was scared he wouldn't perform. He very adamantly reiterated that he would have never accepted the HJs or full sex because in his mind this was taking it too far and it would have been cheating to him. I can't understand how you can be masturbating to a half naked women in a hotel room and not consider THAT act cheating. He says he can't really understand it either. That he really managed to convince himself that if they did not touch him that it was just an extension of a webcam. And he'd spent 4 years rationalising webcams to himself already, so I guess taking a step further wasn't too hard for his addict brain to rationalise.
    I ask him a lot about his lack of guilt before Dday. It hurts me so much that he never gave me one single thought during all of his porn abuse/infidelities. That he never felt guilty because he never allowed himself to think about it. Which means that he never thought about me.
    Even in the last few months when my husband is trying so hard to change, I feel like he should be doing more. Maybe this is totally unrealistic of me to expect this. Maybe I am being incredibly selfish to expect more. I guess he has changed drastically. He is doing things with us, he is trying to keep his anger in check, he is working hard. I guess there is some small part of me that thinks, well so what? Everything he is doing now is what a husband should be doing. I guess some small part of me wants him to go that extra mile. To move heaven and earth to make me happy. I know this is unrealistic but it doesn't stop me from wanting it.
    We talked about the last few weeks and how the intimacy has declined and we seem to be drifting apart. He told me that when he senses I am 'not feeling it' then it doesn't encourage him to make an effort. He said he finds it very hard. This made me cry. I tried to explain to him that even after everything he has put me though, I have been supporting him. And it was in no way shape or form 'easy'. I have researched everything, booked appointments, found help websites, articles. I've initiated intimacy. Sometimes it feels that all he has done for his recovery is abstain, have good sex, occasionally journal and be happier. I know this isn't fair, but I just want to feel like he is going the extra mile for us. After all the heartache and trauma I've been through in the last few months, if I have a bad few weeks he needs to pick up the slack for both of us. I'm simply exhausted, emotionally and physically. I've been feeling really tearful and on edge for a couple of weeks and It might just be the sheer weight of everything I have been carrying. I suddenly feel like I can't go on. That's not to say I wont go on... but I need help. I'm not particularly religious but there is the poem or verse, I think its called footprints in the sand. Where when he though he was alone because there was only one set of footsteps, he was being carried by god. I need my husband to carry me.
     
    Last edited: Jan 6, 2018
  16. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

    Yes, that is where I am currently right now, I feel this way and I hate it. I am sorry you're going through all this, I hope things get better and he does go that extra mile for you!
     
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  17. Werka

    Werka Fapstronaut

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    I know exactly what you mean. My husband also changed dramatically literally overnight and I feel he expects some massive credit fir that. BUT our life now looks just as it should have looked for the past 10 years. He should have been getting up in the morning, helping around the house, interacting with me and the kids. And there are times I’m feeling like an ungrateful bitch for not jumping with joy and flooding him with appreciation. But part of me says WTF. Honestly? I mean, no one has ever congratulated me on getting up in the morning and just doing what needs to be done. Regardless of whether I felt like it or not.
     
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  18. Broken81

    Broken81 Fapstronaut

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    @Werka And @AnonymousAnnaXOXO
    Thanks!
    Last night hubs gave me a foot massage after offering to out of nowhere. This in itself seems like a lovely gesture. But it's not. It's the extra mile. Hubs HATES feet. I mean he detests them. In the 12 years we've been together I could never get him to give me a foot rub. Even when I was pregnant and my feet were swollen and sore, he one time did it for me, using a drink bottle as a roller and socks on.
    This small gesture means the world to me. It means he is willing to do something that he dislikes and makes him uncomfortable, just to make me feel good.
    And then today I cut myself pretty bad with a kitchen knife (I mean the kitchen looked lime a scene from a horror movie!). He tended to me. Then he mopped all the blood from the floor, and wiped it off all the cupboard doors. He then finished the washing up, and fussed over me. He even offered to help me wash my hair so I didn't get my hand wet. Just these simple things have made me feel so much better. He has obviously made a huge effort since Friday when we talked. I don't expect him to dote on me like this everyday. But it has helped me lift this funk fog a little.
     
  19. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    I love this! These little things are really what it's about for me.
     
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  20. Broken81

    Broken81 Fapstronaut

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    I'm off on holiday today. It couldn't have come at a better time. With feeling so low lately, and a little distant from hubs, we can use this time wisely to help us reconnect and have quality family time. I'm going to try and also have a little time away from nofap. I hope you all stay healthy and fap-free :)
     

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