So I am back from holiday. It was a nice break but due to sharing a room with our son (we booked a suite in a resort with a 'supposed' kids club but unfortunately Vietnams idea of a 'suite' and a 'kids club' weren't the same as mine!) we didn't have the privacy we had hoped for. I'm feeling really confused about what I want going forward. I'm trying really hard to forgive and forget, but sometimes his infidelities and awful treatment of me dominate my thoughts. I'm getting scared that I won't be able to put everything behind me. I sometimes look at him and just feel such anger. Almost hate. I want to hit him as hard as I can, or scream into his face 'How dare you? How dare you treat me like that. How dare you risk our financial security. How dare you put your fetish first instead of looking after your wife and son'. Or I just want to cry. Ask him why he didn't love me or our son enough to stop what he was doing. How could he get into bed with me at night knowing he had broken our wedding vows in a hotel room just hours before? How could he let me make excuses again and again about not having another child, blame myself and my health problems, when the real reason was he preferred to pay to wank to a webcam, or real life person than have sex with his wife, for years. I look back over the last few months and see I was in real shock for weeks. The vomiting, the shaking, the panic attacks. I was a mess. I have read through my journal a few times, to get a timeline on events as some of it is confused in my mind. I see someone I don't recognise. I see a women who was waiting for HIV/Aids results yet still had sex with him. Why would anyone in their right mind do that? I wasn't in my right mind, I was traumatised. I feel pathetic and angry at myself for being so needy. For wanting the man that did that to me. I guess as well as the shock, I was trying to prove to myself that I could be wanted, in the bedroom and in life. His orgasms were my victory, my proof that I wasn't ugly. My proof that someone could want to have sex with me. I guess that my husband, the man that made me feel so bad, was the only person available to give me the love, the closeness, the support I needed. I'm not in shock now. The panic attacks have subsided. The vomiting stopped. My hands are now steady. My husbands PIED has disappeared. I have nothing left to prove to myself. So now I need to have sex with my husband for me. For enjoyment. For intimacy. And I feel myself pushing him away. I want to be close with him, but I am so angry and hurt that I don't want to at the same time. Sometimes I feel like its stupid pride and stubbornness stopping me. The few times we have been intimate in the last few weeks I've had to force myself to 'get into it'. Once I am, I enjoy it. But getting past the disgust at his infidelities and anger at him seems to be much harder now the shock has worn off, and that neediness has gone. I love my husband. I want to remain married. I just don't know how to stop the hurt that rips though my heart when I think about what he has done. How he made me feel so utterly terrible for years. And anger at myself for staying with someone who made me feel so bad. How did I let things get so bad? How could I not see what was going on within feet of me? How could I have been so stupid and naive? I don't like feeling so much anger and resentment. At him. At myself. But I don't know how to stop it. I can't just turn it off. Is it just a phase that I need to let pass, or is it a cancer, spreading though me and taking over? I don't know and this scares me.