rodgers1268
Fapstronaut
Hi. I'm not new to this site. I've been a member for a little over a year now. I've made progress, but I don't feel like I've made as much progress as I could have. I've obviously reaped positive benefits. I remember I used to PMO 2-3 times a day if not more when I was finishing up high school. I started realizing I had a problem my freshman year of college (I'm about to start my junior year), and despite knowing that fact, I was unable to stop myself. Then I discovered this website and the benefits of using it to better oneself in more ways than simply stopping the act of watching porn and using it to get off. I struggled with this my entire sophomore year this past year, but I grew as a man, and, looking back, I believe I've grown more spiritually than I ever have.
However, I've noticed another problem lately. It seems like no matter what I do, I can't stop myself from going back to porn. I'm not binging. It's at most twice when I have to reset my counter now. It's been this way ever since April this year; I had a 9-day streak come to an end that month, which was the longest I'd ever gone without PMO since joining this site. I remember feeling cleaner than I had in a long time, and I was happier with myself. But, like any other streak, it came to an end. I've had two 5-day streaks since then, but it's been on and off with 1 to 3-day streaks now. Plus, the 5-day streaks seem as if they were ages ago. I don't even remember when they happened.
I'm not even sure why I'm typing out this post. No one ever looks at my journal, and I told myself I wouldn't become obsessed with a number on a counter. Yet, I've been blind to the fact that I've had my focus on the day counter inside my head. I always keep track of how long it's been in the back of mind.
Every Sunday I go to church, I feel renewed and ready to endure the temptations, but lately, I haven't been resisting the urges. They seem too strong, and the desire to give in becomes too great. Despite knowing I'm not inherently a bad person, I feel dirty and ashamed every time I give in. I think it's been getting worse. I don't know what to do, but at the same time, I know what I need to do. Nothing I do seems to do any good.
But, as I logged on tonight, after another reset, updating my counter to remain honest with myself, I decided to click on another success story. I used to read these a lot, but since I have been trying to wean myself off the site so I could focus more on life and keep myself busy, I haven't done much aside update my counter.
I'm at home from college right now. I'm waiting to transfer into my new apartment with my best friend. At home I have my mom, my nephew, and my grandfather on my mom's side. You think knowing that would steer me away from PMO, but it hasn't. I still find ways to go through with the act, and even though my mind is screaming at me to stop, I don't. I feel as if I'm becoming the embodiment of what the apostle Paul wrote in Romans about doing what he didn't want to do. It's a weird paradox, isn't it? You want to do better. You want to stop sinning. You want to stop PMOing, yet you keep doing it. You keep sinning. You keep failing to reach the heights that you want to reach.
The answer I come to every time is to keep studying in my Bible and trusting in God. I know and have faith that that's ultimately what's going to keep me on the right path. My life is more than my porn addiction, but it's haunting me as the days go by. I'd like to have a girlfriend (I'm 20 and have never had one), but there was a thought that crossed my mind recently. How can I support the notion that I will stop using porn when I finally get into a relationship with a girl when I keep putting distance between myself and my Lord by using porn? If my relationship with God isn't enough to keep me from using porn, then how can I expect a girlfriend to change anything?
I always seem to think I'm about to hit a breakthrough, and just when I feel motivated and confident that this time it'll be different, within the same day I go back to porn and am back at square one. It's so infuriating and frustrating, but I don't let the guilt or shame keep me from going back to God and repenting. He is greater than the multitude of my sins.
I've been trying to reexamine myself and what I've been doing. If what I've been doing isn't working, why haven't I tried something else? I know we're all different, and how we'll conquer our porn addictions are different too, probably. I'm here thinking that maybe I need to get myself into a new routine. The world isn't going to stop for me because I feel bad about jerking off. I need to start taking action instead of sitting here feeling sorry for myself. Yes, it's difficult, but that's what makes it a challenge. I remember the main reason I wanted to stop using porn was to become a better Christian and a better man.
Perhaps a renewed commitment and mind is what I need to spark myself. I'm always a happy, optimistic guy, but there are times where you have to be realistic and honest with yourself, even when it hurts. And the fact of the matter is, I haven't done what I need to. I haven't been working as hard to stop my addiction, and I've been lying to myself thinking that I am any different from anyone on this site struggling with their addictions to porn.
The talk of renewal is nothing new here, but something needs to change in me. I'm going to change myself and work hard to become the best man and Christian I can be. I look in the mirror today and realize I'm not the same man that I was a year ago. I've been inspired to keep up the good fight, to keep the faith, to be different, to win.
If you took the time to read through all of that, you have my thanks. I needed to get this off my chest, and I only realize this now as I finish up writing this post.
You can do it!
However, I've noticed another problem lately. It seems like no matter what I do, I can't stop myself from going back to porn. I'm not binging. It's at most twice when I have to reset my counter now. It's been this way ever since April this year; I had a 9-day streak come to an end that month, which was the longest I'd ever gone without PMO since joining this site. I remember feeling cleaner than I had in a long time, and I was happier with myself. But, like any other streak, it came to an end. I've had two 5-day streaks since then, but it's been on and off with 1 to 3-day streaks now. Plus, the 5-day streaks seem as if they were ages ago. I don't even remember when they happened.
I'm not even sure why I'm typing out this post. No one ever looks at my journal, and I told myself I wouldn't become obsessed with a number on a counter. Yet, I've been blind to the fact that I've had my focus on the day counter inside my head. I always keep track of how long it's been in the back of mind.
Every Sunday I go to church, I feel renewed and ready to endure the temptations, but lately, I haven't been resisting the urges. They seem too strong, and the desire to give in becomes too great. Despite knowing I'm not inherently a bad person, I feel dirty and ashamed every time I give in. I think it's been getting worse. I don't know what to do, but at the same time, I know what I need to do. Nothing I do seems to do any good.
But, as I logged on tonight, after another reset, updating my counter to remain honest with myself, I decided to click on another success story. I used to read these a lot, but since I have been trying to wean myself off the site so I could focus more on life and keep myself busy, I haven't done much aside update my counter.
I'm at home from college right now. I'm waiting to transfer into my new apartment with my best friend. At home I have my mom, my nephew, and my grandfather on my mom's side. You think knowing that would steer me away from PMO, but it hasn't. I still find ways to go through with the act, and even though my mind is screaming at me to stop, I don't. I feel as if I'm becoming the embodiment of what the apostle Paul wrote in Romans about doing what he didn't want to do. It's a weird paradox, isn't it? You want to do better. You want to stop sinning. You want to stop PMOing, yet you keep doing it. You keep sinning. You keep failing to reach the heights that you want to reach.
The answer I come to every time is to keep studying in my Bible and trusting in God. I know and have faith that that's ultimately what's going to keep me on the right path. My life is more than my porn addiction, but it's haunting me as the days go by. I'd like to have a girlfriend (I'm 20 and have never had one), but there was a thought that crossed my mind recently. How can I support the notion that I will stop using porn when I finally get into a relationship with a girl when I keep putting distance between myself and my Lord by using porn? If my relationship with God isn't enough to keep me from using porn, then how can I expect a girlfriend to change anything?
I always seem to think I'm about to hit a breakthrough, and just when I feel motivated and confident that this time it'll be different, within the same day I go back to porn and am back at square one. It's so infuriating and frustrating, but I don't let the guilt or shame keep me from going back to God and repenting. He is greater than the multitude of my sins.
I've been trying to reexamine myself and what I've been doing. If what I've been doing isn't working, why haven't I tried something else? I know we're all different, and how we'll conquer our porn addictions are different too, probably. I'm here thinking that maybe I need to get myself into a new routine. The world isn't going to stop for me because I feel bad about jerking off. I need to start taking action instead of sitting here feeling sorry for myself. Yes, it's difficult, but that's what makes it a challenge. I remember the main reason I wanted to stop using porn was to become a better Christian and a better man.
Perhaps a renewed commitment and mind is what I need to spark myself. I'm always a happy, optimistic guy, but there are times where you have to be realistic and honest with yourself, even when it hurts. And the fact of the matter is, I haven't done what I need to. I haven't been working as hard to stop my addiction, and I've been lying to myself thinking that I am any different from anyone on this site struggling with their addictions to porn.
The talk of renewal is nothing new here, but something needs to change in me. I'm going to change myself and work hard to become the best man and Christian I can be. I look in the mirror today and realize I'm not the same man that I was a year ago. I've been inspired to keep up the good fight, to keep the faith, to be different, to win.
If you took the time to read through all of that, you have my thanks. I needed to get this off my chest, and I only realize this now as I finish up writing this post.
You can do it!