Replaced by teen girls

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Lilla_My, Feb 1, 2019.

  1. de severn

    de severn Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

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    You are very saintlike to still have the desire to stay but I would have turned my back and left... this is coming from a PMO addict. I don’t like that he leaves the house when you’re crying even though he’s the reason for it. To me, that shows he has checked out of the marriage somehow and he’s trying to live his life as conveniently as possible for him. He wants his porn life but he also wants you to stop “nagging” him about it. The more you “nag”, the more he feels disgust and rage toward you for getting in the way of his addiction.

    I would just leave him to it. All the signs point toward him lying to you and taking you for a ride.
     
    Last edited: Feb 2, 2019
    Susannah, Lilla_My and Mordobarn like this.
  2. This is classic Intimacy Anoerxia (IA)---your husband has this in spades it sounds like. Read about IA..read about the pain and isolation spouses of IA's deal with. Doug Weiss has a few books about it along with many other good YouTube videos and resources.
     
  3. AngelofDarkness

    AngelofDarkness Fapstronaut

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    I agree with previous that you should leave. This isn't about making sacrifices as an SO anymore, to have a stable, long-lasting relationship in the future. This about your husband not even showing you love anymore, not trying to heal your pain when he is the one who keeps hurting you with his addiction, and keeps hurting you outside of his addiction. This isn't excusable behavior anymore. Supporting the PA with his recovery and being patient and understanding is one thing, but not getting anything in return, even worse, being further hurt in return is more than wrong. It seems like he has completely lost himself to the addiction and I'm afraid that you can't do anything to fix that. Please don't keep hurting yourself more by choosing to stay if he has become this cold and dismissive towards you. I'm wishing you all the best.
     
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  4. Mordobarn

    Mordobarn Fapstronaut

    It does make a difference. Videos have a markedly stronger effect on the brain than pictures. They will accelerate the addiction. The videos will become more and more extreme. When they stop working for his brain, he'll move onto other things, like massage parlours, prostitutes, or something else. It won't stop until he realises that he is addicted and he wants to change. But it might be too late by then.
    That's known as gaslighting, and it's dangerous (for you). You need to get out while you can. I had a gaslighting wife, and she nearly destroyed me and even her own daughter.
     
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  5. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for your kind reply, Hardowner. You made a very interesting point there, I suspect he is somewhat drawn to porn he find repugnant, which I in a way can understand (it's easier to "disconnect" if someone on screen doesn't look like a potential partner, I can assume, but I don't know).
     
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  6. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    Your wise words really come as a great comfort for me, especially the thing you said about him not necessarily connecting to the women on screen (I believe the thought of that is the most hurtful for women). Like you mentioned, a few months or even some year of heartache would totally be worth it if he can turn things around. In their heart, I believe most wives would prefer to save their marriage if there was a possibility of the marriage being saved. I suspect him feeling extreme shame, and that might aggrevate his constant flight response.
     
  7. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    As much as it hurts, I do believe you are right.
     
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  8. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    TryingHard2Change, wow, that was just a massive realization! I had never heard of it, but he definitively ticks all the boxes. He finds great pleasure in denying me something if he knows I want it. On Valentine's day, for example, he gave me an empty card with no text in it. I got very sad, and asked why he didn't bother to write anything he said ,"because it's too fun to see how upset you got".
     
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  9. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    Thank you, AngelofDarkness. That's so sad. I still don't know if he really has an addiction, or if it's something else that causes this weird behaviour; he hasn't told me.
     
  10. Mordobarn

    Mordobarn Fapstronaut

    I don't know where you live, @Lilla_My , but where I live, you would definitely have enough to press for a divorce.
     
  11. Mordobarn

    Mordobarn Fapstronaut

    He really has an addiction.

    Everything that you have told us makes it absolutely certain.
    That is an effect of advanced porn addiction. If you read other people's stories, as they become more and more addicted, the old porn that they used to like ceases to work for them any more. They need more and more extreme porn, even porn that they find disgusting, to be able to get sexual satisfaction. Many long-term straight male porn addicts have found themselves addicted to gay porn even though they hate it.
     
    Lilla_My likes this.
  12. OH MY GOSH! I am _SO_ sorry. I have never heard of such a toxic relationship!
     
  13. Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

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    I’m so sorry you are going through this. A lot of us can relate but I just want to add. That this type of thing,
    This is emotional abuse and not to be taken lightly. I would highly encourage you to find a counselor/ therapist especially if this type of thing has gone on for a while. These are toxic abusing behaviors that will tear you down. You deserve better and you can give that to yourself.
     
  14. Nagual

    Nagual Fapstronaut

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    To be honest, Im just a 21 years old boy who just broke up with his first girlfriend last year and who is fighting his porn addiction (with great progress though). I maybe have no experience or competency to give you any advice, but when I read this I knew for sure that this isnt the way I want my future marriage to be or how any marriage should be. Marriage is intended for two people who love each other and being trapped in a toxic relationship is something nobody deserves or has to bear.

    I wish you the best for whatever you decide to do.
     
  15. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    That last part is pretty acurately describing my marriage! In the beginning it looked good, it smelled good and then, well...

    I find that at some point, he stopped wanting to screw my body and instead only had interest in screwing my mind.
     
  16. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    Thank you, Jennica, for your encouragement. I hesitated for the longest time, but now I have started CBT therapy. However, the greatest gift is all the insight I've gotten from all of you on this forum.
     
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  17. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for your kind and insightful words, Nagual. I'm happy you are figthing your problems with great success and I sincerely hope you continue to do so.
     
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  18. NF4L

    NF4L Fapstronaut

    @Lilla_My Thank you for sharing your story with us. I am so deeply sorry you are going through this with your husband, I can identify with P abuse changing a person into someone and something they aren't deep down inside. I know because I was a lot like your husband to my own wife. I took my shame, guilt, stresses, worries, fears and directed them towards her through frustration, resentments, contempt, and stonewalling. I blamed her for everything, so she wasn't allowed to do anything right, even if she didn't do anything, and if that was the case why was she NOT doing anything. I was a selfish asshole. I was a dick. I belittled her. I insulted her body image. I ignored her. I diminished her self worth. I made her feel stupid, unwanted, used, and abused.
    I did all these things and more in my pursuit of my porn addiction. I did this to her despite the fact that she was my lover, my best friend, my true companion, my soul mate, and my greatest cheerleader.
    Know that exactly like her, none of this behavior is your fault. I know my wife is beautiful, amazing, and intelligent. So despite what he has said or done, you are also beautiful, amazing, and intelligent as well. His actions and words are not a reflection of you, but of himself.
    I cannot tell you what it will take for your husband to realize he is an addict, that he has a problem, and that he needs to change. We all call it Rock Bottom. Hopefully Boundaries and Consequences help, to help him see and realize only he can make that decision. It must be his, even if you help him see it. For me it took years to really see it, and that was after decades of abuse. Much like your husband before I found sobriety it was teens everywhere, anywhere, and all the time. It could be work, bathroom, the bus, a bus stop, dinner, or breakfast. All. The. Time.
    When my wife was able to confront me with my secret and special stash that she discovered. I knew our marriage was probably over. I tried to find out how much she saw, or what it was she thought she found. I still was looking for a way out, to gaslight her, or find some probable and believable lie to tell her. She was smart, and clever, and realized exactly what it was and how it got there. She wasn't stupid. I was sick and tired of looking at P all the time, and she only offered me support if I was able to make changes, be honest with her, and be committed to her. She was understanding and unwavering. Strong and comforting.
    Here I am over 500 days from that moment. Not divorced. With a relationship stronger than ever. Dedicated to sobriety. Dedicated to her. Dedicated to us.
    I think you share her super power, much like many women out there and on NoFap. That superpower is Hope.
    I hope your husband can see his addiction for what it is before your superpower fades. I wish you much strength and understanding for the journey ahead. I don't envy you. Again, I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through. I won't blame you for walking away like so many others have stated you should do. There is a limit to the abuse you are willing to take before you put your foot down, and before you walk away. I also know there is a chance for a positive outcome despite what everyone else says. It may require you to leave before that can happen.
    Whatever you do, we're all here to help.
     
  19. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    I can not thank you enough for your response, it filled me not only with enlightenment but also with hope. Your kind feedback and inside knowledge of this issue is exactly what I needed. Reading your story, I'm curious to know what your wife did to break the pattern with you, to make you realize that things had to change. Did she had an intervention? Did she give you an ultimatum? Or did she throw you out?

    I honestly thought that seeing how absolutely crushed I was would deter him from this behaviour, and it possibly has, but I also know that it will come a day when my feelings won't hold him back ("what she doesn't know will not hurt her anyway"). Probably, that day is already here. The hard part is that I don't know how much I have to "police" him. I'm not comfortable with spying or checking on him constantly or forcing him to spend his time with me so he won't get into trouble. But I also know that I'm dealing with a man who never share his feelings about anything with anyone. If for example, he would start to get involved with extremely shameful or illegal material, and feeling an inability to stop this, he would not reach out to anyone for help. When he got caught this time, he told me that he thought of leaving me instantly without any explanation, because never hearing from me again would be easier than admitting to what he had done. His fear instills fear in me, because no man is an island, and feeling that autonomous is so unnecessary.
     
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  20. For me...my wife confronted me 2 or 3 times over our 20 year marriage -- the last time (June 1, 2017) is the first time I reached out to anyone for help ... And it was how recovery truly started for me.... ONLY when I reached out.
     

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