Replaced by teen girls

[de severn]

My husband and I have known each other for almost five years and up until recently enjoyed (in my opinion at least) a very happy marriage. Very early on in our relationship, he confessed to me that he wasn't a very sexual person. Masturbation was something he didn't like, porn something he didn't watch; "I'm not like other guys", he said. At that time, I had a vibrator that I had bought during my year as single woman, and after expressing his dislike for me having one of those, I got rid of it (for me, that wasn't important anyway). It was hard to not have sex as often as I wanted to (5 times a week or more) but I got used to it. Here I had this fantastic loyal beautiful person in my life, a wonderful gift that I couldn't believe I deserved. So many times I thought to myself; "this is too good to be true, a woman can't be this lucky". We used to joke that satisfying me in bed was another chore to do, like paying bills or washing dishes, and I could laugh about it. Now, thinking back on it, my blood turns to ice.

One day I sat alone on the bed when his phone received a notification. From out of nowhere, I instinctively knew that it was something wrong. It was a message from a woman on messenger, an app which he had uninstalled. For some reason I installed it back and there it was, pictures of her private parts, intertwined with conversations in spanish. Devestated, I confronted him, and when he told me that it was all a big joke (he had just joked around with her for fun) and I believed him. I believed him! I unpacked my bags (I had threatened to leave) and knowing his fondness for antics, I did my best to forgive him and I did.

In the spring of 2018, out of nowhere, his personality started to change. From being loving and protective of me, he started to grow increasingly cold and distant. My attempts to cheer him up dind't work at all and it got progressively worse, with him leaving the room as soon as I walked in, no good morning kiss, and eventually, not even a "good morning". The sexlife had gone from bad to worse, with him all soft and abscent. I started to grow more and more fearful of him, devestated by his lack of emotions, beside myself with worry. What had I done to loose his affection? Was he depressed? When pushed about it, he immediately became irritable, angry, even physical at times. Pushed further, he stopped talking to me altogether with silent treatment sessions that could go on for days. I started waking up constantly in the night with the thought that something was terribly, terribly wrong. One day he said he was leaving to buy a new watch and my heart started to pound like crazy. Was he in fact going to see someone else? Paranoid to the point of no longer recognizing myself, I watched him comb his hair and put on his nicest clothes and that's when I fainted in pure terror.

Recovering from my strange fainting, I knew I had to do something; he would never tell me what had happened to our relationship no matter how kindly or desperately I asked. So I went through his search history (sorry, not sorry) in the hunt for evidence of an affair, and there it was: Thousands of entries into a porn site with teenagers. Every day more teenagers. His location was switched on, so apparently; Teens at his work. Teens in the bathroom. Teens on the way to work. Teens every minute I had gone out for errands, to walk the dog, to buy him gifts, to visit my parents. Teens first thing in the morning on valentine's day (he had denied me sex that night) and, the day after valentine's. A message to a teenager on Facebook. All of our years together - teens. He denied everything, said it was pop ups, that it was his friend sending it (even before he first met that friend!), that he "didn't remember" and other things no functioning person could ever believe unless they had some severe trepination done to their brain. He got extremely angry and physical, but now I knew, and my heart just... It just broke in a way I didn't know a heart could break.

Two months have passed. We have spoked about what happened a little, but now I'm forbidden to mention it. If I bring up the topic, I will be punished with more silent treatment. "We have been over this, I have said everything there is to be said about it", he says, "and I won't do it again". Then he doesn't speak to me for days on end. I'm beside myself with grief over the rejection. It's like he has been with thousands and thousands of girls, all of them younger and better than me. I feel worthless, ugly, fat, old; a naive laughable joke. If he sees me crying, which I do a lot, he will leave the house. It's my problem now; it's like he has dumped this septic tank of mental poop on me and I'm drowning in it. I try to pull myself together, to go to therapy, to do daily activities that I used to love, but everywhere I look I see teenagers and I think of him touching himself, panting looking at them and I feel so grossed out I wish I was dead. I will end this extended rant with pointing out that I'm willing to do anything to help him, to love him, to not judge him or scream at him in anyway, to stand by his side. But how to reach out to someone that doesn't wanna speak about it or acknowledge my pain?

You are very saintlike to still have the desire to stay but I would have turned my back and left... this is coming from a PMO addict. I don’t like that he leaves the house when you’re crying even though he’s the reason for it. To me, that shows he has checked out of the marriage somehow and he’s trying to live his life as conveniently as possible for him. He wants his porn life but he also wants you to stop “nagging” him about it. The more you “nag”, the more he feels disgust and rage toward you for getting in the way of his addiction.

I would just leave him to it. All the signs point toward him lying to you and taking you for a ride.

 

[TryingHard2Change]

if I don't dance and smile, I will be thrown in the dungeon of isolation

This is classic Intimacy Anoerxia (IA)---your husband has this in spades it sounds like. Read about IA..read about the pain and isolation spouses of IA's deal with. Doug Weiss has a few books about it along with many other good YouTube videos and resources.

 

[Deleted Account]

I agree with previous that you should leave. This isn't about making sacrifices as an SO anymore, to have a stable, long-lasting relationship in the future. This about your husband not even showing you love anymore, not trying to heal your pain when he is the one who keeps hurting you with his addiction, and keeps hurting you outside of his addiction. This isn't excusable behavior anymore. Supporting the PA with his recovery and being patient and understanding is one thing, but not getting anything in return, even worse, being further hurt in return is more than wrong. It seems like he has completely lost himself to the addiction and I'm afraid that you can't do anything to fix that. Please don't keep hurting yourself more by choosing to stay if he has become this cold and dismissive towards you. I'm wishing you all the best.

 

[Mordobarn]

In the beginning, it was "just" pictures. Now it's more and more videos. Not that it makes a difference

It does make a difference. Videos have a markedly stronger effect on the brain than pictures. They will accelerate the addiction. The videos will become more and more extreme. When they stop working for his brain, he'll move onto other things, like massage parlours, prostitutes, or something else. It won't stop until he realises that he is addicted and he wants to change. But it might be too late by then.

he told me "my period mood" caused him not to wanna come home and that he will sleep on his work

That's known as gaslighting, and it's dangerous (for you). You need to get out while you can. I had a gaslighting wife, and she nearly destroyed me and even her own daughter.

 

[Lilla_My]

You're probably better than these girls. He chose you to share his life with. They would only stay with him only for a few hours or less. However, you still love him, you care about him, you want to help him, you wish the best for both of you. I believe that all these are evidence that you are better...

So, why does he prefer to spend his time with teens on his phone instead of you? Because he can't edit you, he can't crop you, he can't blur you. Some other guys used software to do the aforementioned to the pics and videos that sell to your husband. They hide the truth from him and present the teens that are being degraded as perfect. They're not. Nobody is perfect. You are better than these imperfect girls, plus you are a loving and caring wife. That's all I can see...

Finally, maybe he doesn't even like what he watches. The addiction makes us watch things that we find disgusting. Maybe the reason that he pushes you is that at the end of the day, no matter how many pics and vids he will watch, he will return to you, the best person for him. I don't know. The only thing that is sure is that you can't do anything to make him recover from his addiction if he doesn't want it.

Thank you for your kind reply, Hardowner. You made a very interesting point there, I suspect he is somewhat drawn to porn he find repugnant, which I in a way can understand (it's easier to "disconnect" if someone on screen doesn't look like a potential partner, I can assume, but I don't know).

 

[Lilla_My]

I guess you need to consider what your values are - is what he has done unforgivable? Do you feel like you're betraying yourself too much by considering accepting this broken man?
Also consider that no-one is perfect - there's thousands of guys on here with the same issue.

For me personally I would think that feeling lonely and even betrayed for a few months or even a year would be a small price to pay to make a marriage work, but only you can decide

If you trust he can overcome this and still want to be with him, you're gonna have to get ready for a long struggle/pain.

Also, I think theres a difference between physical sex and virtual sex - he may not be connecting with these girls as deeply and intimately as you imagine.

As for him wanting isolation:
I read somewhere that when men feel shame, they begin to feel unworthy of their woman and that rather than the woman leaving them, they tend to push the woman away (cause they feel undeserving/ that they cannot fulfil them)

All the best!

Your wise words really come as a great comfort for me, especially the thing you said about him not necessarily connecting to the women on screen (I believe the thought of that is the most hurtful for women). Like you mentioned, a few months or even some year of heartache would totally be worth it if he can turn things around. In their heart, I believe most wives would prefer to save their marriage if there was a possibility of the marriage being saved. I suspect him feeling extreme shame, and that might aggrevate his constant flight response.

 

[Lilla_My]

You are very saintlike to still have the desire to stay but I would have turned my back and left... this is coming from a PMO addict. I don’t like that he leaves the house when you’re crying even though he’s the reason for it. To me, that shows he has checked out of the marriage somehow and he’s trying to live his life as conveniently as possible for him. He wants his porn life but he also wants you to stop “nagging” him about it. The more you “nag”, the more he feels disgust and rage toward you for getting in the way of his addiction.

I would just leave him to it. All the signs point toward him lying to you and taking you for a ride.

As much as it hurts, I do believe you are right.

 

[Lilla_My]

This is classic Intimacy Anoerxia (IA)---your husband has this in spades it sounds like. Read about IA..read about the pain and isolation spouses of IA's deal with. Doug Weiss has a few books about it along with many other good YouTube videos and resources.

TryingHard2Change, wow, that was just a massive realization! I had never heard of it, but he definitively ticks all the boxes. He finds great pleasure in denying me something if he knows I want it. On Valentine's day, for example, he gave me an empty card with no text in it. I got very sad, and asked why he didn't bother to write anything he said ,"because it's too fun to see how upset you got".

 

[Lilla_My]

I agree with previous that you should leave. This isn't about making sacrifices as an SO anymore, to have a stable, long-lasting relationship in the future. This about your husband not even showing you love anymore, not trying to heal your pain when he is the one who keeps hurting you with his addiction, and keeps hurting you outside of his addiction. This isn't excusable behavior anymore. Supporting the PA with his recovery and being patient and understanding is one thing, but not getting anything in return, even worse, being further hurt in return is more than wrong. It seems like he has completely lost himself to the addiction and I'm afraid that you can't do anything to fix that. Please don't keep hurting yourself more by choosing to stay if he has become this cold and dismissive towards you. I'm wishing you all the best.

Thank you, AngelofDarkness. That's so sad. I still don't know if he really has an addiction, or if it's something else that causes this weird behaviour; he hasn't told me.

 

[Mordobarn]

I got very sad, and asked why he didn't bother to write anything he said ,"because it's too fun to see how upset you got".

I don't know where you live, @Lilla_My , but where I live, you would definitely have enough to press for a divorce.

 

[Mordobarn]

I still don't know if he really has an addiction…

He really has an addiction.

Everything that you have told us makes it absolutely certain.

I suspect he is somewhat drawn to porn he find repugnant…

That is an effect of advanced porn addiction. If you read other people's stories, as they become more and more addicted, the old porn that they used to like ceases to work for them any more. They need more and more extreme porn, even porn that they find disgusting, to be able to get sexual satisfaction. Many long-term straight male porn addicts have found themselves addicted to gay porn even though they hate it.

 

[TryingHard2Change]

TryingHard2Change, wow, that was just a massive realization! I had never heard of it, but he definitively ticks all the boxes. He finds great pleasure in denying me something if he knows I want it. On Valentine's day, for example, he gave me an empty card with no text in it. I got very sad, and asked why he didn't bother to write anything he said ,"because it's too fun to see how upset you got".

OH MY GOSH! I am _SO_ sorry. I have never heard of such a toxic relationship!

 

[Jennica]

I’m so sorry you are going through this. A lot of us can relate but I just want to add. That this type of thing,

,"because it's too fun to see how upset you got".

This is emotional abuse and not to be taken lightly. I would highly encourage you to find a counselor/ therapist especially if this type of thing has gone on for a while. These are toxic abusing behaviors that will tear you down. You deserve better and you can give that to yourself.

 

[Nagual]

To be honest, Im just a 21 years old boy who just broke up with his first girlfriend last year and who is fighting his porn addiction (with great progress though). I maybe have no experience or competency to give you any advice, but when I read this I knew for sure that this isnt the way I want my future marriage to be or how any marriage should be. Marriage is intended for two people who love each other and being trapped in a toxic relationship is something nobody deserves or has to bear.

I wish you the best for whatever you decide to do.

 

[Lilla_My]

I found this statement rather troubling. This is beyond fucked up. Abuse is, for the most part, a reactive response. It is an inappropriate coping mechanism to something the abuser doesn't like. This, however, is beyond abuse. This is premeditated. This is calculated. This is malicious in its intent. This is solely for the point of provoking a negative reaction out of you in response to a negative action delivered to you. This is something a sociopath would do. This is like receiving a chocolate covered turd. You get it, you're excited, it looks good, it smells good, and the anticipation builds...right up until you take a damned bite out of it, and it's nothing more than a nasty little surprise disguised as a gift.

That last part is pretty acurately describing my marriage! In the beginning it looked good, it smelled good and then, well...

I find that at some point, he stopped wanting to screw my body and instead only had interest in screwing my mind.

 

[Lilla_My]

I’m so sorry you are going through this. A lot of us can relate but I just want to add. That this type of thing,

This is emotional abuse and not to be taken lightly. I would highly encourage you to find a counselor/ therapist especially if this type of thing has gone on for a while. These are toxic abusing behaviors that will tear you down. You deserve better and you can give that to yourself.

Thank you, Jennica, for your encouragement. I hesitated for the longest time, but now I have started CBT therapy. However, the greatest gift is all the insight I've gotten from all of you on this forum.

 

[Lilla_My]

To be honest, Im just a 21 years old boy who just broke up with his first girlfriend last year and who is fighting his porn addiction (with great progress though). I maybe have no experience or competency to give you any advice, but when I read this I knew for sure that this isnt the way I want my future marriage to be or how any marriage should be. Marriage is intended for two people who love each other and being trapped in a toxic relationship is something nobody deserves or has to bear.

I wish you the best for whatever you decide to do.

Thank you for your kind and insightful words, Nagual. I'm happy you are figthing your problems with great success and I sincerely hope you continue to do so.

 

[NF4L]

@Lilla_My Thank you for sharing your story with us. I am so deeply sorry you are going through this with your husband, I can identify with P abuse changing a person into someone and something they aren't deep down inside. I know because I was a lot like your husband to my own wife. I took my shame, guilt, stresses, worries, fears and directed them towards her through frustration, resentments, contempt, and stonewalling. I blamed her for everything, so she wasn't allowed to do anything right, even if she didn't do anything, and if that was the case why was she NOT doing anything. I was a selfish asshole. I was a dick. I belittled her. I insulted her body image. I ignored her. I diminished her self worth. I made her feel stupid, unwanted, used, and abused.
I did all these things and more in my pursuit of my porn addiction. I did this to her despite the fact that she was my lover, my best friend, my true companion, my soul mate, and my greatest cheerleader.
Know that exactly like her, none of this behavior is your fault. I know my wife is beautiful, amazing, and intelligent. So despite what he has said or done, you are also beautiful, amazing, and intelligent as well. His actions and words are not a reflection of you, but of himself.
I cannot tell you what it will take for your husband to realize he is an addict, that he has a problem, and that he needs to change. We all call it Rock Bottom. Hopefully Boundaries and Consequences help, to help him see and realize only he can make that decision. It must be his, even if you help him see it. For me it took years to really see it, and that was after decades of abuse. Much like your husband before I found sobriety it was teens everywhere, anywhere, and all the time. It could be work, bathroom, the bus, a bus stop, dinner, or breakfast. All. The. Time.
When my wife was able to confront me with my secret and special stash that she discovered. I knew our marriage was probably over. I tried to find out how much she saw, or what it was she thought she found. I still was looking for a way out, to gaslight her, or find some probable and believable lie to tell her. She was smart, and clever, and realized exactly what it was and how it got there. She wasn't stupid. I was sick and tired of looking at P all the time, and she only offered me support if I was able to make changes, be honest with her, and be committed to her. She was understanding and unwavering. Strong and comforting.
Here I am over 500 days from that moment. Not divorced. With a relationship stronger than ever. Dedicated to sobriety. Dedicated to her. Dedicated to us.
I think you share her super power, much like many women out there and on NoFap. That superpower is Hope.
I hope your husband can see his addiction for what it is before your superpower fades. I wish you much strength and understanding for the journey ahead. I don't envy you. Again, I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through. I won't blame you for walking away like so many others have stated you should do. There is a limit to the abuse you are willing to take before you put your foot down, and before you walk away. I also know there is a chance for a positive outcome despite what everyone else says. It may require you to leave before that can happen.
Whatever you do, we're all here to help.

 

[Lilla_My]

@Lilla_My Thank you for sharing your story with us. I am so deeply sorry you are going through this with your husband, I can identify with P abuse changing a person into someone and something they aren't deep down inside. I know because I was a lot like your husband to my own wife. I took my shame, guilt, stresses, worries, fears and directed them towards her through frustration, resentments, contempt, and stonewalling. I blamed her for everything, so she wasn't allowed to do anything right, even if she didn't do anything, and if that was the case why was she NOT doing anything. I was a selfish asshole. I was a dick. I belittled her. I insulted her body image. I ignored her. I diminished her self worth. I made her feel stupid, unwanted, used, and abused.
I did all these things and more in my pursuit of my porn addiction. I did this to her despite the fact that she was my lover, my best friend, my true companion, my soul mate, and my greatest cheerleader.
Know that exactly like her, none of this behavior is your fault. I know my wife is beautiful, amazing, and intelligent. So despite what he has said or done, you are also beautiful, amazing, and intelligent as well. His actions and words are not a reflection of you, but of himself.
I cannot tell you what it will take for your husband to realize he is an addict, that he has a problem, and that he needs to change. We all call it Rock Bottom. Hopefully Boundaries and Consequences help, to help him see and realize only he can make that decision. It must be his, even if you help him see it. For me it took years to really see it, and that was after decades of abuse. Much like your husband before I found sobriety it was teens everywhere, anywhere, and all the time. It could be work, bathroom, the bus, a bus stop, dinner, or breakfast. All. The. Time.
When my wife was able to confront me with my secret and special stash that she discovered. I knew our marriage was probably over. I tried to find out how much she saw, or what it was she thought she found. I still was looking for a way out, to gaslight her, or find some probable and believable lie to tell her. She was smart, and clever, and realized exactly what it was and how it got there. She wasn't stupid. I was sick and tired of looking at P all the time, and she only offered me support if I was able to make changes, be honest with her, and be committed to her. She was understanding and unwavering. Strong and comforting.
Here I am over 500 days from that moment. Not divorced. With a relationship stronger than ever. Dedicated to sobriety. Dedicated to her. Dedicated to us.
I think you share her super power, much like many women out there and on NoFap. That superpower is Hope.
I hope your husband can see his addiction for what it is before your superpower fades. I wish you much strength and understanding for the journey ahead. I don't envy you. Again, I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through. I won't blame you for walking away like so many others have stated you should do. There is a limit to the abuse you are willing to take before you put your foot down, and before you walk away. I also know there is a chance for a positive outcome despite what everyone else says. It may require you to leave before that can happen.
Whatever you do, we're all here to help.

I can not thank you enough for your response, it filled me not only with enlightenment but also with hope. Your kind feedback and inside knowledge of this issue is exactly what I needed. Reading your story, I'm curious to know what your wife did to break the pattern with you, to make you realize that things had to change. Did she had an intervention? Did she give you an ultimatum? Or did she throw you out?

I honestly thought that seeing how absolutely crushed I was would deter him from this behaviour, and it possibly has, but I also know that it will come a day when my feelings won't hold him back ("what she doesn't know will not hurt her anyway"). Probably, that day is already here. The hard part is that I don't know how much I have to "police" him. I'm not comfortable with spying or checking on him constantly or forcing him to spend his time with me so he won't get into trouble. But I also know that I'm dealing with a man who never share his feelings about anything with anyone. If for example, he would start to get involved with extremely shameful or illegal material, and feeling an inability to stop this, he would not reach out to anyone for help. When he got caught this time, he told me that he thought of leaving me instantly without any explanation, because never hearing from me again would be easier than admitting to what he had done. His fear instills fear in me, because no man is an island, and feeling that autonomous is so unnecessary.

 

[TryingHard2Change]

he would not reach out to anyone for help

For me...my wife confronted me 2 or 3 times over our 20 year marriage -- the last time (June 1, 2017) is the first time I reached out to anyone for help ... And it was how recovery truly started for me.... ONLY when I reached out.