Requesting Encouragement

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by Savage Shards, Mar 25, 2016.

  1. Savage Shards

    Savage Shards Fapstronaut

    Hey everyone! Here's the deal:

    I am dealing with a lot of frustration today!

    I started posting in this community about a month ago. I did my first little self challenge and maybe I am not really seeing any improvements.

    I am not going to go into excessive detail of lifestyle changes I have been making, but I am making them. One thing that I will talk about is general social status and social life health.

    What I am doing is I am trying to be as likable as possible to everyone in my life. I go to a pretty big college so I get to meet a lot of people. It seems like most people think I am pretty cool. Some people even make comments on how socially apt I am.

    In addition to that, I am always trying to coordinate small group activities so that the friendships I make at school are not just empty, superficial friendships.

    The trouble is, it always seems like I am the only one doing the coordinating. A fraction of people often bail on things to stay home and use their smart phone or watch netflix, but most people end up coming out. These are not boring activities at all either - things like swimming with dolphins (free), snorkeling (free), hiking and picking fresh fruit on the trail (free), ocean kayaking (mostly free), the list goes on. I would organize parties, but I have a roommate who is not down.

    The thing is, it seems like I am rarely invited to anything! Let me tell all of you, I want nothing more than to be invited to a party where there are plenty of beautiful women who are just laughing and having a good time. I know you guys talk about having your own identity outside of women, which is fine. I have that for the most part. But even after having that identity and being okay with who I am, I still really want more!

    I know I am smart and funny and cool and handsome and a great guy to be around, but I just don't understand why people don't seem to invite me to anything! It is possible that I come off as too judgmental, but that is something I will have to work on.

    I know this is something new for me - for 27 years I have lived inside my shell and not really been good at having a good social circle. I just need to take more time. But today, I am frustrated.

    Seeking encouragement or advice. Questions are fine too.

    Thanks to everyone for listening and for being understanding.
  2. Lesoldat

    Lesoldat Fapstronaut

    So to sum up:
    -You are an attractive and good person,
    -You know many people AND organize activities with most of them coming,

    -Do you have real good friends ?
    -Do you know people who are partying (i mean in clubs or college parties ?)

    Let's say now you don't send any text/call to no one and wait, what is happening ?

    Maybe with time by inviting people quite frequently some of them will do the same and you will have opportunities to meet girls and stuff ?
  3. FightingItRough

    FightingItRough Fapstronaut

    The info above I replied to says a lot about you. Sounds like you crave healthy intimacy and connection, which is natural. But, perhaps your upbringing or past has affected you more than you realize. I can so relate to EVERYTHING you say. Yet, a big part of my problem is me. I come off independent, not needing people--the opposite is actually the case. Just because I invite others doesn't mean we will be close. I have settled with the fact that a few good friends is better than many surface acquaintances. Not everyone wants strong connections, find the few who do.
    Savage Shards likes this.
  4. Savage Shards

    Savage Shards Fapstronaut

    Thank you for your encouragement and asking a couple of questions. I have a few very close friends, but my closest friends are married couples and not singles.

    This is great for having friendship and some connection, but it can be pretty discouraging seeing two people do something as innocent as very graciously showing their affection for each other.

    As for knowing people who go to parties, I am very open about being sober and I realized that makes people think I'm not down to have fun at a party.

    I like your last question. I get anxious when at home too much, but I need to get better at solitude. Reading books, doing chores, working out, and meditating are all good options for this time.
    DocZhivago likes this.
  5. Savage Shards

    Savage Shards Fapstronaut


    I would like to highlight these two bits of text. What a great way to put it! I forgot how much I love having constructive conversation with close friends. Last semester I was really focused on this, but this semester I lost sight of that and bought into the popularity contest that college is. Thanks.

    Thanks, both of you! Both for your encouraging words and for relating my story to yourselves. I am happy to be among people who share some of the same feelings as me. Just reading your words has put a smile on my face after I have had an already great day today.
    DocZhivago and Deleted Account like this.
  6. I like these words of advice. How's it been going for the past several weeks?
    Savage Shards likes this.
  7. Savage Shards

    Savage Shards Fapstronaut

    Thanks, man!

    Things are not really any different, so my attitude goes from being anxious to being frustrated to reassuring myself that I just need to keep on trying. I will not give up though! I am resolved to be persistent. Surely I can find the people out there willing to be my friends - to collectively make an effort to keep one another off of the couch and/or out of the house.

    Thanks for stopping by ( :
  8. Keep on being persistent. Progress, not perfection. Anyone taking the time to read your posts and respond is a friend to you. We're all in it together.
  9. Headspace

    Headspace Fapstronaut

    You can't force being liked. If people don't like you the way you are, they also won't like you when you make a lot of efforts to be liked. Looking in the other direction, you need to see people the way they are as well. If you just want a friend for the sake of it, you're already making him replacable. Any sort of relationship should come from a feeling of abundance, not from one of neediness.

    Furthermore, don't try to make everyone like you. It's not worth it. People are different. Be edgy, if that's how you are, instead of trying to show integrity when there is no actual integrity.

    Sorry for being negative... that's just my contribution after reading all the above posts, and I couldn't get my point across any different. If you like outdoor acitivites, how about looking for people who are already active in that field instead of trying to motivate the couch potatoes without effect?
  10. You're doing the right things. It's easy to get depressed and isolate yourself, and you're doing a great job staying out of that trap.

    It's great that you organize things. Many of the people who do things with you are probably shy and lonely themselves, which is why they aren't reciprocating. But think of the positive impact you're having on their lives.

    All of the things you're doing will come back to help you in some way. My advice is, don't change your approach, or change yourself.
  11. msmahamed

    msmahamed Fapstronaut

    Dude, If you want to be invited to parties - you have to hang with people who go to parties. Invest in friendships with people who do the things that you want to do, have friends who share the same interest with you. If you want friend who ride BMX, hang/ride with those friends more. If you want friends that get wasted and smoke loud every weekend, hang with them more often.
    Headspace likes this.

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