Resentment will be the death of me

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by bbq, Apr 15, 2016.

  1. Hanging by a thread

    Hanging by a thread Fapstronaut

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    I wish that you could give my bf that advice on objectifying women in the real world, he's trying very hard but he probably needs to hear those advice and not from me, right now he's trying to figure out how to stop it and hasn't come across a good suggestion because he's only now reaching out to support from this community, my hope is he goes on more often to read the stories and that someone like you with good ideas and experience will give that good advice. Life's about luck sometimes, if you meet the right people, they steer you the right way, so far his luck hasn't been so good and he doesn't have any positive influence other then me unfortunately. It's crazy how hearing and sharing things with your partner can sometimes make it harder, not sure if it's the guilt he feels talking to me about it or if it's the sense of feeling I'm controlling him by giving him suggestions but he seems to take advice better from a third party, such as his therapist. Did you go through depression during rewiring? How long did it take before you felt a real change in the ability to not objectify or obsess over sexual things? Were you in a relationship at the time and how did your sig other handle it?
    I think that people with sex addiction need to realize that your partners are trying to understand this addiction, We want to know if your hurtful behaviors are just side effects to the disease or if you do desire other people, if maybe you are not 100% committed and attracted and sure of us and that leaves us feeling vulnerable. No partner wants to be second fiddle or feel that way. If we see you lusting over another women, its hurtful, its self deflating, it makes us question the relationship, our attractiveness and the real depth of what the relationship is because for a normal brain, if you love someone and want to be with them you should not be checking out or desiring of another women sexuall to those extents where you gawk or obsess, it makes us feel inadequate, hence the need to understand what the addiction is. its easy to say sex addiction has no reflection on what the other partner looks like, your desire for them or feelings for them because for the normal brain, you desire your partner, not every other sexually suggestive person you see, so of course we will be hurt and confused about the validity of the relationship.
    To veritechs defense, he's only being honest to how he feels about partners going through this and I dont believe every male suffers from pmo, a large portion may but I know that a large portion doesn't, there's many other addictions, etc as well unfortunately in our society today and you are right about trying to fix things but I think veritech is just trying to say that the people trying to stand by their partners during this need to also wake up to the reality of it, he doesn't know the details of our progress such as attempts being made so he's speaking from the heart as fir my concern, which is honorable for an addict to not just say, stand by your man regardless.
    My thoughts behind sticking by my man is this, I can not ask someone to believe in himself and his ability if I'm not giving himself the chance to try atleast. When you love someone, you don't desert them because they are sick, you bring them medicine and hope they will do what is best for them, if they refuse to do what they must to get better, then it is in my own best interest to realize this man is sicker then I can help and if I stay I will get sick too so I must leave, but atleast I can leave knowing full well I did all I could and I will not wonder what if. Its only been less then 2 mos, its too soon to know if he's taking his medicine, I need to remain positive, not paranoid and I must remember, this is a disease, anger, hate, bitterness will just fuel it because that's where it was born from. If I can not let go of all that anger I feel, its a helpless cause already and I need to just shut the door. So, thank you everyone who's contributed to sharing your story with me, it keeps me hopeful, strong as well as realistic. If anyone has more advice on rebooting please share, I'm wondring if its a bad idea for us to have regular sex if hes trying g to reboot or if having sex with his sig other is OK because it's not artificial. Wondering if anything sexual at all during reboot is bad or its just sexual things of porn nature.
     
  2. EarthDragon

    EarthDragon Fapstronaut

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    It's the latter. You rob him of his strenght if you try to fight the fight for him. It's his fight, and you can help but you cannot solve this for him. Also, you shouldn't even try. See, men like to feel strong, as if they have their things under control. When not, that is really demotivating for us. A man likes to fight alone, and takes advice and help rarely. He wants to prove himself, that he has what it takes to win, and will only look for outside help, if it is absolutely necessary. This might be foolish, but that's the turth and that's that. If I were you, I'd say to him, "listen, there is this guy on nofap, who seems to be doing really well for himself, and he had the same problem as you, and this is what he wrote, what do you think". Then let him decide what to do. Don't decide for him, that will turn out badly. Let him read what I -or anyone else- wrote, let him think about it. It might be helpful, and it might be not.

    Well, as you can see in my signature, I had two runs with nofap. During the first one I was single, and I had very few friends. Only one girl in Finland. (I'm hungarian btw.) Also, my main reason for using PMO was loneliness. I looked at vanilla stuff, imagined that I'm the guy and I have a gf and we are those on the screen. So when I stopped watching porn, I suddenly realised this huge hole in my soul, and that was damn hard. Unfortunately, I decided that after the 90 days, I will maintain a less frequent, only MO habit. That was a bullshit stupid idea, and two weeks later I was PMO-ing again.

    My second nofap stint started while I was 2 months into a new relationship. This was really a blessing, because since I wasn't lonely anymore, I didn't felt the need to watch porn. My then-gf helped me a lot with this, only by being around. What might worth mentioning, that we had our first kiss when we were 5 months into the relationship, got engaged after 10 months, and got married after 13 months. That's when we started to have sex, and I got my release. So by nofap terminology, I was on "hard mode" for about 11 months.
    She was really understanding and supportive, and by that I mean that she was always there for me when I felt lonely. She said that it would be okay if I'd relapse a few times, but I thought that would hurt her, so I didn't relapse.

    Since the change in my view of other women was gradual, I can't really pinpoint a time when it got better, but I'd say that I started to feel more in control and more comfortable somewhere 6-9 months into the reboot.

    So I hadn't had sex during my reboot, and it was fine. It can work that way too. I'm not sure if it makes things easier or harder, but it is certainly managable. What do you think? Was this helpful?
     
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  3. Hanging by a thread

    Hanging by a thread Fapstronaut

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    Very helpful! You are totally right about the man thing, see how good it is to have this support group and how weird it works that I am able to get this explanation from a stranger then from my sig other. Goes back to how hard it is to communicate with someone when there is a real relationship involved and why therapy is so helpful as the unbias party can explain to us both in a better way. I guess you as well as the others who've contributed to my postings are kind of like my therapist 8). I certainly do feel better after reading everyone's thoughts as well as sharing my own.
    Again, you are very right about the man thing and doing it alone, I never thought of how much the male instinct and behavior comes to play because I'm use to being around men who are not as "manly or male dominant mind set" as my bf. I will have to really take that to heart and not take it to offense or be paranoid about not knowing what his plan is, I need to let it be. It's hard for a type A codependent to do that but if I'm going to fight my codependent issue for myself, I need to let him fight his addiction for himself too. I guess I'm on top of things because he seems to need a push and a hand hold at times, like without my "budding in". He wouldve never sought professional therapy or joined this site. I will have to know when to stop and let him be the man he wants to be. I just feel scared he may be lying or not doing what he's suppose to do, which is what lead us here in the first place. I'm getting much better however, I feel less inclined to " check up" or talk about things as much before, I realize that might be causing more stress on him and perhaps I will let him approach me instead when he wants to talk. I need to let the past hurt go, aside from just pmo he has been to massage parlors so his issue may be tougher then yours and is why I have a bigger fear of not keeping on top of things. I have to forgive at some point and learn to trust again, his efforts now gives me reason to give him that chance but his past lies have tarnished my sense of belief in him. See why I'm stuck?...
    Congratulations on your marriage and finding someone who is supportive of your issues, it sounds as though you try your best to be as well as you can be for yourself and her. It also sounds like your issues is not as bad as some others, pmo'ing due to loneliness is probably better then pmo'ing due to childhood issues and being taught to objectify women as a child and using it as a destressor, which in today's world exist every minute of the day sometimes.
    It may have been easier for you to deal with no sex during your reboot because you didn't have a active sex life with real women, for my bf, I think he's able to not watch porn but he needs the physical relief of sex or he will be sexually frustrated and that may cause even more obsession with sex or objectifying any women he may come across, I'm not sure. I was just wondering how other rebooters felt about sex or no sex with sig other. Thanks for your point if view, you have me a uh huh moment on your male finding his own way comment.
     
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  4. EarthDragon

    EarthDragon Fapstronaut

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    Most definitely. I never experienced serious physical symptoms. I had some minor issues, as it was difficult for me to O with a girl, as I was used to the grip of my hand, but a few weeks no touching easily fixed it. I also never considered myself an addict, just thought that I have a bad habit, which I picked up, so I can put it down as well. Though I don't want to downplay my journey as it was as difficult as any other, but in a personal level. We all have to face our demons and its no use to compare who had it "easy" and who had it "hard".
    As I said, I don't know if having sex during the reboot helps or not. It might as well be something detrimental and you would do good witholding any sexual stuff for 3 months. Huh, that would REALLY put your guy to the ultimate test.

    But there is a truth to what you say, as the forbidden fruit seems nicer. I wish you all the best!
     
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  5. Twc777

    Twc777 New Fapstronaut

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    First of all, let me be honest and tell you that I literally signed up just to respond to your post here because all the experiences you described are exactly the same one I have experienced in my relationships as well as a few very close girlfriends of mine. I'm very sure that a lot of girls feel the same way but are simply afraid to speak up. I mean, how often in life do you hear a man being so quick to call a girl insecure, jealous and controlling, other than over this porn-relevant type of issue? The reasons to feel bad is very valid as society does place a lot of value and pressure on how females should look and act and be very sexy. The beauty industry makes money on our insecurities, its how they sell makeup/hair products, sexy clothes, sexy dance classes, plastic surgery procedures and anything else you can think of...This expectation can be draining. But please don't ever feel alone or that you're the odd one out. Lots of others could be going through the same thing but are afraid to speak up because they don't want to get accused of being insecure...etc which is damaging and unfair. Those guys who call us insecure because their actions (mostly or only turned on by porn or other sexy girls while saving little to zero sexual energy for us) make us feel undesired in the relationship can shut some of us up because it really hurts to feel undesired and on top of that, get called insecure. And often it feels like we don't really have much of a choice here, it's an unique societal situation, you can go try and go to the next guy and next...but could end dealing with the same thing again. Very sad. And I don't have any solid solutions for you on this as I'm going through the same problems at the moment again, as well and learning to simply focus on doing things that make me feel happy. You should feel lucky that your guy has at least admitted to this being a problem and is willing to change whereas most guys don't see it as a problem, refuse to listen and simply blame the girls for being insecure which is very selfish. 2 of my exes were like that, I lost respect for them, became disgusted and left them eventually. I sure hope it will be better with the current guy but at times, it can be very hard as he has trouble staying hard or even getting aroused and will need to look at porn or other girls' nude selfies on social media first or during. It's a turnoff and ruins the sex on my part. He is only in his early to mid 20s. But gradually I am starting to feel that instead of feeling jealous and sad, I just want to see less of him because when I'm with friends or alone, I'm much happier and always feel confident. Ask yourself, other than this porn related type of problem, how often do you actually feel insecure in other areas of your life? Or feel as easily triggered by other things to feel insecure? If you really don't have any other ones, then this isn't much of your problem and has nothing to do with whether you're secure or confident as a person. A truly insecure person is one who is easily triggered to feel insecure with various things in life, you don't seem to be that person because you posted in NoFap dealing with one common issue that is creating similar problems. I hope you read my post and will feel somewhat better and not so alone.







     
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  6. Hanging by a thread

    Hanging by a thread Fapstronaut

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    @Twc777, great post and very true. However I don't believe all guys are like this, perhaps it's just been our bad luck. I know of plenty of guys who don't objectify women and don't have pmo issues, they just have other issues 8( lol.
    @bbq, I don't believe the answer is to conform to a porn image by making yourself up. Try to read up on the chemical and biological effects porn does to the brain, regardless of how "hot" you try to look, your sig others brain is damaged to the point that he needs to keep searching for that next image (girl) to get a dopamine hit off so unless you plan on looking like a different women each day, I don't think that would work. Porn addiction is progressive, your bf will eventually be looking at men, animals, and so on and so forth, they can deny and deny all they want and say they woukd never ir that it's "just" porn and all men do it but if it wasn't a big deal why do they feel the need to continue to the point that not only their brains don't work but neither do their penis?! And its also not true that all men watch porn, maybe alot do look but not to the extent that they are so messed up they cant even see a female in real life and not go all nervous and salivate, thats when you know you've got some big issues if looking at a girl turns to looking at a vagina. It's just the resistance part of their addiction and they are just lying to themselves to make themselves feel better. Most importantly is that you read on caring about yourself. I've been lucky enough to get a few responses on here from some guys and to see their point of view has been very enlightening and I'm thankful to them for sharing. What I learned is you must take care of yourself first and foremost, do not be or become a codependent, people with addictions will only get worse if you enable them and be their crutch. If they are truly ready to face their demon they will get the help they need, they will not get better because you love them to death, they will not get better because you appease them by giving them what they want in addiction because mostly all addictions are progressive, there will not be enough alcohol, gambling, shopping, plastic surgery, make up that will keep up with this ever growing demon inside then that has an endless appetite. So wake yourself up and help yourself first, sometimes it's hard to realize that the person you are with loves their addiction more then you, but you need to accept it because changing for them is just enabling them and degrading you. Granted, I'm not saying give up on your man, No, don't give up on someone you love, give them the chance and oppty at love, we all deserve the chance and sometimes we are just so fuc*ed up from past hurts that we need to be brought to the light and have someone show us that we need help. Give him that chance but don't enable him or the disease, you must know when to call it quits because loving someone to death will never make them love you back, you are doing yourself and them more harm and prolonging the inevitable. Educate yourself of the disease, reach out for advice from those who have gone through this storm and have experiece and advice to offer. no matter what you must make a list and plan of what you both will be willing to do to give it a go. There must be a plan and rules in place so you both have an understanding, I've found this to work for me so far. Mostly, do not get to the point where you both end up screaming, hating and tearing each other down because the hurt becomes too much. Understand that you know this situation, it is your choice to stand by him and by that it means hearing the good, bad and ugly and accepting his past so you can move forward. If he is honest in his desire to get help and fix his issues, he will be honest with you going forward, just do not look back in anger, move forward with forgiveness.
     
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  7. Twc777

    Twc777 New Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for your post and I agree too. Although it is still sad that for a lot of us, we did not choose and would not choose to want to be in such a situation. It feels like you can choose a man for some things another man doesn't have but with porn, it really feels like a lot of men are one way or another addicted to a certain extent. It feels like either accept it or be alone or unless you get really lucky and find someone who is understanding and willing to work on it. And it feels sad that we somehow have been involuntarily forced into this situation, like why should the quality of our sex life and intimate moments be compromised because of the choices made by our partners, entirely out of our control? And it's pointless to walk away because it is affecting a lot of men, it isn't just a matter of, I'm leaving him because he's rude for a nicer guy. And what I personally find oppressing is that we see lots of positivity in society toward 'females who enjoy porn' while attacking those who dislike porn for various reasons. How is this even fair? It's like we only accept those who like porn but those who don't must be attacked and called insecure, jealous and having personal issues. I see this as so wrong and disrespectful on so many levels. And another thing I want to point out is, when it comes to dating, it seems that lots of guys when in love can be very patient and sweet and even tolerant when the lady acts unreasonable at times but when it comes to any porn issues that are brought up, just porn, they immediately get so angry. Like do they not see how silly and unreasonable they are looking? I really hope that more guys will be better informed about these issues because it is extremely unattractive for a man to deny any problems here, brush the lady off or at worst, blaming her for being the insecure or jealous one. Like what is this? She should just shut up and take it? Have sex with her only when he's bored with porn because like you said, porn is all about variety which is true. Porn isn't even about competition as I had read off elsewhere, love/sex/attraction/a certain amount of lust are natural part of this binding glue between couples, porn basically affects sex and lust and if paired with the lack of respect and understanding displayed by the guys, there won't be any love or attraction left. Now what's left!? Watching and feeling love deteriorate and fall apart can be quite painful as a process.

    @bbq


     
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  8. himmelstoss

    himmelstoss Fapstronaut

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    They can't decide which woman gets to walk all over them
     
  9. bbq

    bbq Fapstronaut

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    This means more to me than you know thank you.
     
  10. lfromcr

    lfromcr Fapstronaut

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    That is GREAT!!! Just be sure you also agree on what will happen if the ground rules aren't respected. But GREAT JOB!

    I get that he doesn't know what to do… but I have to say, since it leans to his hidden (selfish?) side, he will be tempted to do what the therapist says… Just like if it had been YOU that said, "Don't tell me when you stumble" and the therapist said, "You have to tell her!" he would probably say, "My gf doesn't want me to so I won't."

    Again, they are YOUR ground rules. He won't keep them for you. I know it's hard, but you'll have to stand by them yourself.
     
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