Resolutions And Healing

Friday 12 June, 2020.

This will be the start of my journal, and hopefully my road to healing as well. I can’t promise it will always be positive, but it will always be honest. I am hoping by sharing this and getting it off my chest I can finally get to healing, because I’m so tired of feeling this way. I’m also going to try to set goals for myself to protect my heart and heal in the future.

My story starts about 3 and a half years ago in November of 2016 when I was healing from a broken relationship of 4 years with an alcoholic. I met my boyfriend now online on a multiplayer game. He was a few years younger than me, but age is only a number to us, and it wasn’t a huge difference. It was a change for me as I had previously only ended up in relationships with guys that were older. Not because I chose to, it just happened that way I guess. We spent months as friends, and our bond only grew. We connected on a level I had never connected with anyone else up until that point. I loved him, he loved me. The problem was we lived over 3,000 miles apart. I in Canada, and him in the UK. So, this was something that only made his PA escalate and become more prominent. We only established a relationship months after getting to know each other first, and debating long and hard if we could handle long distance. I didn’t how hard it would be until I found out about his porn habit. We met in person in September of 2017 as I flew out to stay with him for 2 weeks, which turned in to 3. This is the fucking heartbreaking part, we had an amazing time, everything was incredible because I was missing all the signs. The signs that I now see clearly and kick myself for not noticing them before. Our relationship wasn’t perfect, we had small disagreements and we both have our flaws and issues, but on a whole we were perfect together. We beat all the odds. He was attentive, caring, kind, funny, compassionate and a gentleman. He still is now. We took care of each other. We have so much in common. We've had so much fun n the past few years, and we’ve made some amazing memories. It’s all been a crazy whirlwind of happiness and excitement. In many ways, he does so much for me. And I for him. I guess you could almost say it was too good to be true. And stupid me, I believed that.

I’d like to share a little bit in detail about him to give an idea of who he is and why this shit is so hard. He’s a great guy. We’re both into video games, but love going out for walks, and shopping together. We share the same taste in music, mostly EDM style. He’s kind to everyone, and does not judge people. He’s considerate and listens when people talk. He holds me when I'm sad and tries to fix anything that hurts me. He ran to the hospital from work in tears, and more upset than I was when I got hit by a car. (Only minor injuries.) He’d give you the shirt off his back. He holds my hand, is there for me, and always has my back. He’s actually quite intelligent, and insightful. This probably means nothing to anyone else but the fact that I know he’s amazing in so many ways makes the fact that he’s dealing with porn addiction so much harder. Because it’s changed some of his behaviours towards me, and he stopped doing certain things as much as he used to. It’s somewhat changed a small part of him.

In the months to come I usually flew out to see him as he was working and could not afford to leave his job at that point to come to Canada. I had an easier time getting to him. We spent months apart at a time and it was fucking hard. We would talk every day, and video chat a lot in the beginning. But, after a little while the video chats slowed right down to maybe once a week, if that. We would be intimate over video chat a few times a week, that dropped to once a week, again if even that. I didn’t realize at the time that it was all due to him giving more of his sexual attention too porn than to me.

Last year was the first time he was able to come visit me for two months and it was a fabulous visit, as they always are. After he left, the strain of long distance was wearing on us both. He had a lot going on at work, and I was in the process of moving to another city, and planning for our next visit. So, around September of last year I hired an immigration lawyer to help me get a visa to the UK to be with him for a longer period of time. Things were starting to look up, I had a new place, and he was in a different job. The lawyer was expensive and it was a long ass process as I was working full days anywhere from 8-13 hours straight on top of that. But, I had weekends off and we spent them together, but it just wasn’t the same anymore. I’d take time to put effort into keeping our romance alive, even though we were apart. I’d do my hair, make up and nails, hop into some sexy lingerie and suggest a video chat. I’d send him pictures, too, hoping to get him excited. I can’t tell you how many fucking times I did this, and his response was “maybe later.” Or something similar to that. There was always a reason, an excuse. Sometimes it did happen, but it was rare at that point. He wasn’t in a very good place as his job was shit, and he was not appreciated at his workplace. He was under a lot of stress. This contributed to the distance I felt between us, and the lack off intimacy.

Finally after I received my visa I booked a flight to fly out in late November of last year. I would still until early May this year. I was ecstatic, over the moon with excitement. I just knew once we were together again that all the stress we were dealing with and all they bad things would just melt away. They always did. Being with him was my safe place, where no matter what life threw at me I could face it because I had an incredible partner by my side to encourage me and support me. I knew I could do it alone, too. I always had before. But I can’t say having him by my side didn’t make it easier, it did. And, I was right. When I got here, it was amazing, like the first time all over again! The excitement died down after a bit, and that was okay because we were still enjoying every moment together. But, this time, something felt different. It felt off.

To explain this better, I’m going to be completely honest here and say we both have a latex fetish. It was another deep level of connection for us.

Okay, back to how things felt different. He had been initiating less this time around, which I didn’t see as a problem at first because I had no idea that he was using porn more than he was coming to me. (The times that he would initiate were usually when he’d suggest wearing latex, not always but more often than when he’d just try to initiate in general.) I’m still fucking amazed how he did it every time we were together and I never noticed it before, because after finding out about it all the signs were so damn clear. I was so blinded by who I thought he was, that I missed them all. Or maybe I didn’t, but subconsciously decided to ignore them. I don’t know anymore. The reason I didn’t suspect porn is actually because early on in our relationship we talked about it, because it came up in a conversation. I mentioned that I don’t watch it, as I knew too much about the porn industry from casual research, and mostly just felt pity for them. I guess I’m a weird individual because I just don’t find it arousing in that way. I’d rather physically be with someone and have that connection. A video on a screen just didn’t do it for me. I expressed my distaste for it to him, especially when it’s used in a relationship. To me, that was being disloyal. Because you’re giving your sexual energy to someone other than your partner, who you promised to commit to. And, this is what really hurts me to think about now because In everything else he was always honest and upfront, it’s one of the reasons I love him so much. But, that day was his first lie. He told me he didn’t watch porn because he didn’t need it, he had me. I used to believe every guy watched porn, but I really believed him when he said he didn’t. I’ll never be able to understand how he was able to betray my trust that easily and casually. It still makes me cry to think about it.

I should mention I also never suspected as I had access to his phone, he added my fingerprint and gave me his passcode. I never went in his phone unless he ordered food and asked me to check the delivery time or to change music if we were listening to Spotify, as I did not think I had a reason to not reuse him. One day in January earlier this year, he left his phone in the bathroom after a bath, and left spottily on. So, I picked it up, was going to close Spotify’s and noticed google was open whilst closing apps. But, it wasn’t google that caught my attention. It was what I saw on it. Porn. I shouldn’t have done it, but my curiosity and confusion got the best of me, and I looked at his history. Majority of it was porn or the latex site we bought clothing from. LOTS of porn. Hardcore stuff. I actually gasped because if you knew the sensitive, caring guy that he was you would be shocked too if you saw somebody of the stuff he watched. I started crying. I broke down. All I could think about was this the guy that holds me when I'm sad, that cries at sad movies, that talks passionately about how horrible physical abuse is was into hardcore porn. It was baffling. It was like he was two different people. I didn’t know how to react, and so I confronted him after I’d composed myself enough to talk. It was the hardest fucking conversation of my life. I know that sounds dramatic, but the damage this did to me was real, and I felt broken. Lost. He was ashamed, and I could hear guilt in his voice. He told me he only did it at work, and he did it for stress reasons because his job is emotionally draining. I couldn’t understand why that had to be a stress reliever when I was right there with him. It didn’t add up. We fought, for weeks on end. We spent most of January and February fighting. That day after I found out he did the one thing i wish he’d never done. He promised he wouldn’t do it again. I knew it was a lie. Two days later he went up to shower in the morning for work, and i had already given in to my paranoia and distrust and went through his phone. Again, porn history. My anger boiled. I’m not an angry person. I’m usually very calm and collected and stay rational in most every situation. But, now I have anger that I didn’t even know I could feel. It scares me. I don’t want to be this angry person. When he came down to the bedroom again, I snapped at him, saying if he was going to continue to lie to me than he should at least delete his history. Was it right to lash out? No. But, I was hurting and the one person I could always go to when I was hurting was the one who hurt me.

Things just got worse from there. Like I mentioned, we fought a lot. He wasn’t just doing it at work, he was doing it at the house, too. And, before we would have sex. He’d go to the bathroom a lot. I knew him well enough to know when he was lying. He knew it hurt me, he even knew it was wrong and that he had a problem. He admitted it. I started finding out more about just how much he was consuming and that he’d been using it not long after he asked me to be his girlfriend. I had been living a lie with him for 3 years. There was loads of porn history on his PlayStation, and that’s how I found out he lied when he said he only did it at work. Lie after lie, I just stopped believing anything he said at that point. How could I? He’d always changed his story so many times, and lied one too many times. I can’t tell you how many times we made up, just for me to catch him doing it again. At one point I actually thought he had genuinely stopped, not realizing the hold it had over him was stronger than I even imagined, and I went up to shower to get ready to meet his sister as we were going to spend the day with her. I turned on the shower, but went back downstairs to se if he was coming to join me, and caught him masturbating to latex models. He denied it, saying he was imagining me in the dress. I didn’t believe him. Because, why would he need to hide it then?

I was a wreck, broken Inside and I didn’t know how to fix it. I want to say I figured that out, but I haven’t. I’m still learning how to. It got really bad. I worried all the time. I couldn’t even let him be alone, my anxiety was through the roof. My heart would drop every time he picked upbeat his phone, or went to the bathroom. It was a cycle of him saying he wouldn’t do it again, me stressing, him relapsing and then we’d fight. Then make up, and cry, he’d ask for forgiveness and then it happened all over again. I was exhausted. I was tired of getting hurt, of hearing another lie, of comparing myself.

I was always so confident in us, and until all of this It never even occurred to me that he found so many other women more attractive than me. My mistake. I kept asking myself, then why the fuck is he even with me? I ask it now. All the damn time. I hated who I was becoming, and what this had done to our relationship. We used to be so happy, and things were amazing, and now... it’s far from that. Now, I have no trust in him. All I do is worry and wonder when it will happen again. After catching him looking at a porn site one night, but not watching any it caused a fight, and at the making up part, we sat down and finally talked in open honesty. He deleted his history and said he’d make a fresh start and quit watching it while I was around. I wasn’t happy because it didn’t mean he’d stop when I wasn’t. (I found out after a few days he watched it “one last time” before quitting. Another lie.)

He has genuinely not watched porn in almost two weeks now, and I want to say that it has brought me some semblance of peace, but it didn’t. I only found out recently that what he is doing now is a term called fishing, when he thought I wasn’t looking or when I was out of the room, he’d look at latex models. Things hit a breaking point a few weeks ago when we were laying in bed late one night, and he was in matchmaking on call of duty, and I was trying not to fall asleep because my fear ruled me every second. I almost did, then I sat up, and he clicked away on his phone with a guilty look on his face. He had been looking at a model he told me he thought was unattractive because she was “fake.” I had enough. I had hit my limit. It was the worst fight we ever had, and we said some horrible things to each other. When it was over this time, we were both broken. I was numb. I cried for days wondering how we’d gone from so in love to being so nasty to each other. One morning, he woke up and something was different for me. I sat him down and told him I was done. Porn or me. It was the first time I could actually sit there and talk to him calmly, and I think the fact that I wasn’t angry unnerved him. I told him I didn’t know what to do. I had come to the realization that he shouldn’t have to change for me, and I should not have to change for him. So we were at an impasse. I’m not okay with it, but I knew then that it would never change. Not unless he actually faced his addiction head on and put real and genuine effort into freeing himself from it. We nearly broke up that day. I nearly broke up with him. He couldn’t believe I was willing to throw it all away over something so small. I couldn’t believe he didn’t understand the severity of the damage it has caused.

He has now not made any promises but said he would try to quit. I have since caught him lying to me at least 3 times. He has not watched porn, but he has been using alternatives and relapsed twice now for the first time in 2 weeks in the past few days. All it took was an attractive woman on tv in a sex scene. And, that made his fishing worse again and he’s been deleting history, turning his phone, clicking sway.

So, this is where I am now. He knows I’m not okay as a whole, but I still try to hide it every day. I would tell him when I am triggered, but now even that has stopped. The lockdown hasn’t helped either. We’ve been stuck inside a lot, and he is agitated being around me so much and I feel it’s because he doesn’t have the freedom to give in to his addiction unless he’s alone. It’s why he’s managed to get it from other sources now. I’ve started being the person I used to be when I was growing up. Quiet, keeping things to myself, and pretending I’m okay when I’m not. I’m not angry anymore. I’m just numb now. And sad. I know things will never go back to the way they were. Not now. He says he loves me, and wants to be with me. He’s fighting for us. I know that. And, I genuinely know he loves me and cares for me. But, someone can love you with their feelings, but not know how to love you with actions. He’s fighting now, and still cannot control his urge to look at them, I don’t even doubt for a second when I’m back in Canada, it will go back to him watching it as he did before. We’re okay right now, but that’s it. Just okay. He does not trust me enough to be honest with me, and still hides thing. And, I don’t trust him to not lie to me and keep things from me. It wasn’t right of me to betray his trust, and go through his phone or his internet history on his PlayStation, but if I hadn’t I’d be living in a relationship that is a lie. I’m not okay with that.

I can’t even express what I feel telling this story in full. Sadness, mostly. It’s making me cry again as I write. But, in some way I feel better for having shared it. I want to say I’m healing, but I’m not okay. I’m in a horrible place of transition and it’s extremely uncomfortable for me. I’m learning a lot about myself, and my strengths and weaknesses. I’m going to use this as a learning experience and even though I feel far from it now, I will work towards healing. I want to again be able to look at myself in a mirror without flinching. I want to go out and feel confident again in my skin. I want to remember what it feels like to be happy. I want to feel something when he hugs me, holds my hand or smiles at me. I want to believe him when he tells me I’m beautiful.

We’ve both come a bit further in our journey of healing. He’s still not being entirely honest, and his healing can never be fully complete until he openly faces this and sees the harm it has done to not just me, but to him as well. But, he is trying. Not hard enough, but he’s trying. For now, though all I can do is work on myself and do what I can. The rest is up to him. I am choosing today to be my first step forward in healing. I’m fucking terrified, and weak and I’ll probably fail a handful of time, but I have to try.

I’m going to start with baby steps, and try to do daily goals, specific to each day. So, here goes...

1. I will try to not compare myself or react when he looks at other women today when we go out.

2. I will try to not put myself down when I see my reflection today.

3. I will try to choose love over anger.

 

Friday 12 June 2020
6:22 PM

Update:

I don’t know if today was a success or not, but I did manage to accomplish a goal! We went out and I didn’t allow myself to get jealous or upset.

I want to say I accomplished the other two, but I failed there.

We argued before we went out due to he had a criticism with the fact that I wanted to wear a dress to go out shopping. He said it would look “silly” whilst carrying shopping bags.

I read somewhere the when someone is addicted to porn that they become critical of their partners appearance or clothing choices. I don’t know if his comments play into that, but it annoyed me regardless. So, I didn’t end up wearing the dress. Then he got angry because I didn’t wear it because of him. Fuck, I was confused.

I managed to stay calm and not get upset. It was going well. Until he said something hurtful on the way back when I was trying to hold the umbrella over him so he wouldn’t get wet in the rain. It upset me.

I’m a bit Bette now though, and holding on to my goals and how for a brighter future of healing! I won’t give up.

 

Thank you for sharing this, Lovely. It was a long and sad post but I've read it all. What an avalanche of sadness... I am sorry about that! Although I am amazed by your devotion to the relationship no matter what and that's why it seems really unfair, you are really the best person and you need to appreciate yourself first! You gave too much of yourself at this, I doubt that he is so dedicated to you. Some of his behavior is really weird, hard to understand why he is so desperate on telling lies. He has really deep problems that can be fixed only alone. Don't dare to think that if you will leave he will fap! He can remain at this addiction even if you won't leave, no one can be sure about that. Sometimes a person needs to be left to understand what he has lost. I will just remind you that first you must think about yourself. He lied too much.

And don't think that those women are more attractive than you, because it is addiction. You said earlier that he is not his addiction, you need to understand the difference between these things. It is sad that he is not honest.

That's all I wanted to say. I hope everything will be fine for you, I really wish that! And again, I am really really sorry for your situation. Just please remain positive, I believe you will find salvation!

 

I've read it all, and I feel sad for you and for your boyfriend.

I think your story is a great example of how porn can harm or even completely ruin a love relationship. I already knew how it could change a person as well, so I haven't been surprised by your boyfriend's case, but still, it sucks. When I read this kind of thing, porn disgusts me even more.

You know, there are multiple stages in a NoFap journey and your boyfriend is still in the first stage, that is, admitting the truth. He will be able to work on changing things only after that. You can speed up the process if you help him. This porn addiction is part of your relationship now, whether you want it or not. A couple is two people, so you are going to make it together. You are going to get rid of this shit and heal, together. This isn't only about you, or about him. It's about both of you, and I'm sure you will make it. Healing and recovering takes a lot of time, so take it easy, and be patient. Like you said, take small steps. No matter how big they are, they are still steps, and as long as you keep moving forward, there is still hope.

However, I know he lied a lot, and I understand why you felt betrayed, but I also understand him. This addiction is fucking powerful, and I remember I was lying to me you know. I was always saying things like "this one is the last", but I ended up relapsing anyway. This was in the past, when I was still weak. What I'm trying to say is that this shit can make you lie to yourself, so it can totally make you do the same with other people. I don't know, I didn't had anybody when I was still a hardcore addict, but I'm sure this shit would have caused some damage if I was in a relationship with a girl.

I believe in you. I believe in him. I believe in both of you. This relationship was once beautiful. It may never come back to that state, but why not trying?

I want you to not believe my words though, cause this is just my opinion. All those choices are yours in the end.

Stay strong girl.

 

Thank you for reading it, pirate cat and for caring and always being so kind. You are so appreciated. Yes, too much sadness and it’s why I need to move forward.

I’m starting to realize that I might have put too much into the relationship and expected him to be something he was not because I was led to believe something else. I’m going to try to focus on healing myself now, and be there for him when he allows me to be. I can’t control his action, but I control mine. That’s hard to accept, but I need to. He has given a lot to me, and I do understand he’s under a lot of stress right now and it’s influences his behaviour, but there is no excuse for him lying and doing things that hurt me, you’re right. And, I need to take accountability for my actions and words that have not been fair to him. I could have made things easier. It Is weird behaviour, I agree.

You’re so right, and I’m trying to get myself to remember that he could do it regardless of whether I am here or not. It should make me worry less, but I doesn’t. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, and I think you’re right. Thank you for your kind words, and for being here for me.

I want to believe that it has to do with his addiction, but I can’t live with the fact that he finds so many woman more beautiful than me and would rather look at them. It’s too hard to deal with. I’m too weak to be okay with that. He is not his addiction, you’re right. But, addicted to porn or not I think he would still find more beautifully women to look at.

Thanks Pirate, you’re always so encouraging and wonderful! I will do my best to stay positive, because I want better for him and I both!

 

Thank you for taking the time to read it, Nico. I really appreciate your support! Your kindness blows me away, and inner so grateful for it, thank you. Thank you so much! It’s why I love you guys, you’re always so supportive. The same goes for you, too. I’m here for you all as well.

 

I’m sorry I’ve made you sad. It wasn’t my intent. And, thank you Deku for your words. I just hope that maybe my story can help save someone else’s relationship beforehand it’s too late. Writing my story all down brought back my feelings of anger and disgust towards the porn industry.

I hope I’m able to help him further in this journey, and help him realize he can face this, and that he doesn’t have to face it alone. Right now, he’s at a point where he sees nothing wrong with porn, and does not see it as an issue and does not think he has an addiction, regardless of severity. Thank you, Deku your your encouragement, you’ve been so supportive to me since I started nofap, and my gratitude will last forever. I want us to fight it together, to crush it, and to heal. It’s my ultimate goal. You’re insight really helps, and you’re right. It is about us as a couple fighting this together, not about either of us separately. I will never stop trying to move forward, baby steps and all!

That’s why I think nofap would be good for him, because he could talk to people who understand, but I don’t think he’s there yet, unfortunately. You’re understanding of the situation brings me hope, because it reminds me he’s not lying to intentionally hurt me, he’s lying because his addiction makes him believe it’s okay. His is definitely lying to himself, because he says he doesn’t need it, but he does. He’s struggling more than he lets on and I think it’s starting to make him resent me.

Thank you for believing in us. It warms my heart, and touches my soul. I know we can’t give back to the way things were, but we can get to an even better place I believe. Demi, you’re amazing, thank you. I will, you too.

 

They did give me good advice, and so have you! No, I don’t want anyone to feel my pain. It’s a fuck load of pain. Yes, trust should be an essential part of a relationship, but right now it is not one we possess. *Trust is glass, it’s easy to break and once broken is nearly impossible to fix.*

Thank you for understanding the severity of it. He does not realize the magnitude of pain and hurt it has caused me, and will continue to cause him. I feel bad I checked his phone, because it’s betraying his trust, but he has shattered mine so I am no longer able to trust he won’t do it again. You’re right, his love should overpower it but until he fully admits that it’s a big problem, and deals with the issues behind it, he will never get there. I’m trying to believe he can, though. It’s quite reminiscent of my ex who could quit his alcoholism. My boyfriend said yesterday that “I’ll just to have quit completely then.” When I asked him what happens idea I’m not okay with it even when I’m not here. So, I know he loves me, but addiction is not so easy to say no to.

Thank you, your words are sweet and bring a smile to my face, and maybe one day I’ll feel better about myself. I hope so. I just want us to be okay, and I need to figure out what that means for us. Thank you for caring, and for your kind words of encouragement! they’re greatly appreciated! I will definitely keep working on my goals, thank you! Take care, Mahz.

 

My pleasure!

 

Saturday 13 June 2020
2:00 PM

This morning I have been having an internal struggle. I found a way to view my boyfriends deleted google history on his phone, and I’m tormenting myself about it. I’m very conflicted, and as much as I hate to admit this, I want to look. I want to know. Even though I know it’s wrong. I promised myself I would only give complete transparency in my journal, and I always will, but I am ashamed that I’m leaning more towards looking at it. There’s not much else to say about today yet, except even though my day is about halfway over I am still setting goals for myself.

1. Be kind to myself.

2. Go for a walk.

3. Again, choose love over anger.

Here goes!

 

But dear sweetie, it is already deleted. He has done a mistake, it is already the past. Give him a try and don't try to bring to the square his past sins. You said that you will try to live in the present. You said that you will try to be positive. Do you think this act will give you this? On the contrary, you will become sad and mad. It won't give any information about the present or future. Move forward girl, it won't help you.

 

I know you’re right, and I wish my feelings of wanting to know would go away. The thing is, he’s been deleting history from the past few days and I know if I ask him he will merely lie. I want him not to be able to make excuses and face what he is doing. I’m really going to try not to. You’re so right, it’s moving backwards, not forward. I just... I don’t know that I want to stay in this relationship if it keeps going like this. Thanks for reminding me, and helping me remember what I’m fighting for, pirate.

 

I only skimmed your first post ma'am but wow that's tough. May I ask if he knows you want him to quit?

Btw you should probably ask some elders or older people or something on advice.

 

No worries, it’s a long post, I know. And a lot to read. It is really hard right now, but I’m hoping things change soon. Of course, ask anything. I’m an open book. Yes, he knows. I’ve told him I’m not okay with it, and I don’t want to be in a relationship that has room for porn. He hasn’t watched porn yet in about 2ish weeks, but I can’t confirm this as I’ve only taken his word for it.

Thank you for your encouragement, support and advice.

 

Well, I looked.

I was right. Again.

He was looking at latex models this morning in bed while I sat on the floor telling him I love him and that I want to fix things with us. Right. In. Front. Of. Me.

I’m done. I broke up with him. I’m now depressed, fucking angry, and broken. I give up. On everything. Fuck it all.