Restarting reboot.

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by DesperateHousewife7, Nov 18, 2018.

  1. DesperateHousewife7

    DesperateHousewife7 Fapstronaut

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    Hi, everyone.

    Husband (26 years old) is allegedly (I say allegedly because I have no way of knowing if that is the case or not, it’s just based off what he tells me) 3 months into no PMO. We had talked about doing a 90 day reboot before, but it would include zero PM, allowing him only to orgasm or be sexual with me.

    Well, it didn’t go very well because while he maintained that he did not PM during that time, we weren’t able to really have sex successfully. He has no drive, as well as a very weak erection. When we do attempt sex, he often cannot keep an erection long enough to get through it and if he can- the entire sexual experience is spent on both of us worrying about getting it done fast enough for his erection to last. So, it’s kind of a shit show.

    When he lost his erection again for the first time after not having sex for many weeks, (and me very much looking forward to sex because he’d allegedly stopped PMO and was supposed to be improving in many ways) I just burst into tears. I couldn’t control my emotions and I was SO. FUCKING. TIRED. Of that being the extent of my sex life from 19-26 years old. It hurt so bad.

    When I ask him about why there hasn’t been any improvement in 3 months of therapy, meetings and no PMO, he says that A: he is probably flatlining, B: he is “getting used to being turned on by me” (I love that one, makes me feel like a supermodel...) and C: he’s nervous about losing his erection so it’s a self fulfilling prophecy.

    Anyway... so I personally am deeply suspicious that he is still PMO, or at least MO, because I simply don’t buy that a 26 year old man, without any sexual activity for such a long time, would be unresponsive to an attractive naked woman wanting to have sex with him. But, unfortunately, I can’t prove anything.

    Ghostwriter gave me an idea to try the 90 day reboot with zero sexual activity at all between us. He said this would allow me to have a clearer idea, without a doubt, that he is or is not still PMO based on what happens at the end of that 90 days. And I think he’s absolutely right about that and that it’s a great idea. It’s gonna be hard as hell for me because I get super cranky after 1 week of no action but it’ll be worth it in the long run, for me to have some clarity in this fucked up situation of constant paranoia, confusion, not knowing what’s real and what’s a lie...

    So, anyway, I told husband that that’s what we need to do (didn’t tell him why) and he said okay. So that’s my update. Feel free to comment if you have a comment or question.
     
  2. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

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    I was wondering about this myself. My husband and I are almost in the last month of his 90 day. Of course I’m not 100% convinced of his claim to no relapses. What does a successful reboot usually look/feel like after 90 days?
     
  3. DesperateHousewife7

    DesperateHousewife7 Fapstronaut

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    Well, I wouldn’t know personally because I’ve never in my entire 7 years of marriage had a husband who was healthy sexually and not watching porn. BUT from what I’ve gathered, after 90 days of no sexual release at all, and no porn viewing, a man should be very ready and willing to enthusiastically have sex with his woman. With no issues. Especially if that man is anything under 55 years old, and never had a severe, crazy addiction. Idk.
     
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  4. JustSadPorn

    JustSadPorn Fapstronaut

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    You've made basically this same post a few times now. It sounds like your intuition is telling you that he is not clean.

    I know last time you posted, I said it sounds like flatline. But I didn't realize that he has been in "flatline" for months. That seems unlikely to me given his age. My husband is 40 and his flatline lasted only about 10 days, though my husband didn't have PIED (he did have DE).

    If you were to assume that he is still actively PMO, what would you do differently?
     
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  5. DesperateHousewife7

    DesperateHousewife7 Fapstronaut

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    Sorry, I don’t mean to be redundant. This is a very strange and new area for me and I just don’t have anyone in real life to talk to about it. I don’t know anything about what flatline is supposed to look like. I appreciate your story, thank you. That makes a lot more sense.

    Actively PMOing is not what my dealbreaker is, and I told him that. I told him I am willing to be supportive and help him get through this so we can have a healthy marriage. My dealbreaker is lying. So, if he is in fact lying this whole time, despite all my efforts and patience and self-sacrifice, to cover up PMO and I find out, we will be finished as a couple.
     
  6. JustSadPorn

    JustSadPorn Fapstronaut

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    Oh, it's not a problem at all! Post as much as you need to! We all need support and information in this tough situation. I'm so sorry, I was at all not clear there.

    I meant that because this question keeps coming up for you, it seems like your intuition is repeatedly sounding an alarm.
     
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  7. DesperateHousewife7

    DesperateHousewife7 Fapstronaut

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    You may be right about that. It’s either my gut feeling telling me that he’s not being honest, or it’s me being paranoid because of how much he’s lied to me in the past. I REALLY want to give him the benefit of the doubt in hopes that he actually will change, and I don’t want to deter him from doing so by being negative to him. So I just keep my suspicions to myself and I guess in the near future I’ll be able to draw my own conclusions from how this has gone. The last time that I gave him an ultimatum (one year to get this shit figured out- before he even admitted to/I discovered the porn, I was just referring to the fact that we had no sex life), he didn’t do anything at all except start initiating sex once in a while. So I worry that a year from D-Day, things still won’t be any different.
     
    Kenzi likes this.
  8. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    90 days MOST men are out of Flatline...
    Flatline, at least the First Flatline (there are two types) occurs, when it can occur, early on after the drive/surge stage.
    (the whoooo let's do this reboot I can totally save my marriage and I can do it stage) it looks like failure to get a erection during sex, or maintain a erection... Tired, brain fog, irritated, forgetful...depression... A few other symptoms.
    It's the first time in reboot there is a chance of relapse because morning woods tend to disappear and men want to "test" their equipment.
    This can happen a few days to a few weeks in depending on how much p or m they were active in.
    Only about 85%? Experience the Flatline tho... So it's not a "everyone" thing.
    Your mileage may vary.
    Flatline (depending on PIED) only lasts a few days to a few weeks.
    So again... By 90 days...
    It Should be over... Unless he's doing something to mess with his brain or body.
     
    Last edited: Nov 19, 2018
  9. DesperateHousewife7

    DesperateHousewife7 Fapstronaut

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    Ok, thank you. Yeah, so the new 90 day reboot should be a great way to figure that out then. It’s already been a long time since he’s first claimed flatline so in another 90 days I’ll be able to see if he’s doing the work or not.
     
    Kenzi likes this.
  10. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for putting this together for me! It makes sense to me. Of course I’m not the skeptic.

    How does eating poorly factor into recovery? My husband eats a lot of candy and sugary baked items.
     
  11. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Sugar = dopamine substitute
    It's a fake fix.
    It's like eating candy when you quit cigarettes
     
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  12. @Kenzi Thats true!! Even junk food raises the dopamine levels to the roof & leave us craving for more.. Also alcohol, smoking, gaming, gambling, mindless internet surfing, social media all are dopamine substitutes to feel that "high"
     
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  13. DesperateHousewife7

    DesperateHousewife7 Fapstronaut

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    Interestingly, my husband doesn’t seem to be exhibiting any “replacement addictions”... wonder what that means.
     
  14. Like spending too much on the internet, social media or excessive alcohol/smoking/playing video games/eating junk food/sugary food etc!! PM replaced by these are replacement addictions..
     
  15. Atomicflea

    Atomicflea Fapstronaut

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    My husband is 115 days PM free and 18 days PMO. The 90 days was a benchmark but he definitely felt for him he needed more days to feel any of the effects of rewiring his brain. He quickly realised he was replacing porn with food and having some interesting binge sessions so now we are both on keto (low carb, moderate protein, high fat, and eliminate sugar and all processed food). He’s been in a flatline since the beginning but slowly he’s being more open (and initiating) intimacy. I had to learn to be more patient and he needed to take the reins and lead us through this recovery. Ghost hit it on the nail. I love the forest trail analogy. Use the 90 days as a ballpark figure but everyone is different.
     
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  16. DesperateHousewife7

    DesperateHousewife7 Fapstronaut

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    No, I meant “I wonder what that means about him.”
     
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  17. DesperateHousewife7

    DesperateHousewife7 Fapstronaut

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    Congrats on that. My husband and I lost 100 combined pounds on keto last year.
     
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  18. Oh okay..

    Have a good day :)
     
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  19. DesperateHousewife7

    DesperateHousewife7 Fapstronaut

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    Yeah! We each lost 50 over 6 months. It was really cool because we wanted to lose, like 20? And next thing you knew we lost ALL our excess fat with no exercise at all. Kept it off for 20 months now with exercise to tone up and I look better than I did before kids.
     
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  20. DesperateHousewife7

    DesperateHousewife7 Fapstronaut

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    I feel like recovery and rebooting for everyone else on here is so eventful. Full of ups and downs. Failures and successes. Communication. Changes, for better or for worse...

    But for me I feel like I’ve been stuck in this purgatory limbo of literally NOTHING happening for months now. 3 + months since he’s allegedly stopped watching porn. Reboot, and then another attempt at the reboot- yet absolutely nothing is happening. I can’t tell if it’s a good thing or a bad thing! It’s driving me crazy. I feel so in the dark. I feel so uninvolved. There’s no communication about how the recovery is going aside from “how is everything?” “Good.” As for our relationship, the only change has been even less sex than ever before thanks to hard reboot. But that’s it. Nothing is different. Same man, same husband, same lack of interest for sex at all, same relationship. It just feels so weird and I wish I could get SOMETHING to show for all the time that’s passed.
     
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