Restarting reboot.

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by DesperateHousewife7, Nov 18, 2018.

  1. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    I don’t know why I let what you said offend or insult me . You HAVE to have thick skin to be in ANY group forums , never mind a forum about porn addiction and the trauma that comes from it . I’m not a “chick” I’m a wife of 18 years and a mother for 20 . I guess the experts on porn addiction are totally of base when they HIGHLY recommend accountability software , accountability partners and therapy . Without 2 out of those 3 I know for sure I would no longer be married to him . I’m sure some come on to hear us SO speak and are horrified to think of being “ mothered “ but I can def tell you that MANY PA have stated on here and through PM , that they NEVER even thought to look at the other side of the coin . Then there are those , like you that choose to not read with empathy and throw daggers , wether they are harsh or not , we take em as such . I’m sorry that you feel the way you do . But I go on the dark side of the forum to where they guy relapses every other fuckkng day and just “ doesn’t know why “ , that’s not work , that’s not good enough . BUT ILL NEVER SAY THAT BECAUSE IM NOT IN THEIR SHOES FIGHTING THAT SIDE OF THE BATTLE . SO , unless you actually have researched porn addiction and betrayal trauma as much as most SO have , you don’t have a right to call any of us “chicks” or accuse us of mothering , cuz god knows I wanted nothing more than to stop mothering my man child when he kept putting his hand in the cookie jar . Thank god he doesn’t have the stance that you do ( even if your stance was 100 % true , I thank god my husband WOKE THE EFF UP . :)
     
  2. DesperateHousewife7

    DesperateHousewife7 Fapstronaut

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    You’re right about the time frame thing, I know there’s isn’t any set time frame. It’s kind of like when you order something online and it says it’s coming in 7-14 business days- I was hoping for 7 but it’s looking like it’s gonna be 14.

    The tactics used to try and fix the problem are tactics recommended by the professionals. Therapy and boundaries (which basically ARE ultimatums if done correctly) are recommended by professionals because they work.

    I can tell you for sure what does not work, at all, ever. “Just seduce him”. I know that for a fact because that’s what I’ve attempted to do for the last SEVEN years. Starting from saving myself as a virgin just for him to enjoy at 19 years old when he married me, and on from there in the form of lingerie, role play outfits, constantly asking him what he’s into or trying to find out myself what he’s into so that I can try it for him, always giving him a BJ before sex, always keeping myself perfectly made up, climbing into bed and trying to touch him, massage him, fondle his genitals, kiss his neck and ears (he said it felt annoying), pressing my naked butt up against his crotch (he shoved the blanket between us) and after a few years when that seduction didn’t seem to be working, I moved to more drastic measures. I started a strict diet and lost any excess fat I may have possibly had, I started exercising 5 days a week until I reached “fitness” level body fat, and then I went and had my body cut into and spent weeks healing in pain just so I could have 32DDD breasts for him. I got spray tans every other week, nails done, makeup done, hair done, always wore a sundress at home for him, etc etc. and guess what? Nope. Nothing changed. None of it worked. You know why? Because even if he did move on to me from porn, it would just be a temporary distraction and substitute for the porn. So, I understand and appreciate the advice and I understand that you probably assume I’m not trying to be sexy for my husband but I’ve tried until I was blue in the face. I had every other man checking me out and hitting on me, even some women propositioning me and complimenting me- but not my husband. Because it has nothing to do with me.

    In terms of mothering them, that’s the last thing I wanna have to worry about. I have children to mother. This is the LAST thing I want to deal with or have anything to do with but my husband CHOSE to put me in a situation where now I have to worry about this stupid bullshit because I have to plan for my future. It’s either going to be married to him as a healthy man or it’s gonna be divorced from an addict. And if it’s emasculating to be monitored, I understand that but in my opinion- I think it’s MOST emasculating to have a beautiful wife who always wants sex, and to shoot her down every day because you’d rather jerk off to porn, don’t you think? I sure do.

    Anyway, maybe that will give you a little bit of insight to how some of this works.
     
    Last edited: Dec 2, 2018
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  3. DesperateHousewife7

    DesperateHousewife7 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you, Ghost. I just know how damaging it is to allow any woman to believe that her man is cheating in any way, shape or form, because of her not being enough. It isn’t true, and it doesn’t resolve the problem. All it does is break her self confidence, and amplify the issues. I don’t want any woman thinking there was anything she could have done differently to prevent her man’s porn addiction/ cheating.
     
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  4. After reading the responses - whose honesty I appreciate - my position has not changed. I'm not sure what sort of woman do you think men dream about but I can assure you it's not Nurse Ratched. The idea that subjecting your partners to psychiatric treatment is going to make them love you is absolutely crazy (unless your husband has mommy issues/submissive fetish). I wouldn't be surprised if the next post here read Told Husband To Wear Burqa And The Bastard Refused, Divorce Him? The word "gaslighting" is used so much in this section, one might think it's the Victorian era again. Stop overanalyzing every interaction and trying to assume control. You can't burn the castle to save it.
     
  5. The hysteria level is over 9000. I don't think the OP is so fragile that she'll break apart upon hearing an honest opinion that differs from what she usually hears in this bubble of disappointed princesses and chivalrous white knights such as yourself. I'm happy to delete my posts if she asks me to.
     
  6. DesperateHousewife7

    DesperateHousewife7 Fapstronaut

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    I think you may be confused as to what we are doing here. Nobody is trying to make their husbands “love them” by “nursing them”. It seems as though you think we are trying to somehow seduce or gain love from our partners by trying to be their caregivers. With that being said, I just want to clarify that I am not doing anything at all to control my husband or try to persuade him to do anything in this relationship. The entire purpose of my husband seeking treatment and attending meetings, by his own choice to do so, is because he is SICK. He has a disease. He has thanked me for guiding him into that realization so that he can now work on fixing that, which will in turn (hopefully) fix our marriage issue aka his porn addiction keeping us from having a sex life. None of this has anything to do with being sexy or attractive, this is completely 100% mental health centered. I am not involved in any part of his treatment, unless he wants me to be. I have my own stuff to work on. And none of it has anything to do with winning my husbands affection or attraction. Anyway, hope that clears things up a little bevause it seems that you’re not understanding any of it.
     
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  7. Well, this sounds completely reasonable unlike the usual mix of demonizing the dude, treating him like a child and unrealistic demands. I wish you two good luck.
     
  8. DesperateHousewife7

    DesperateHousewife7 Fapstronaut

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    I just can’t seem to have a successful reboot. I have a very high sex drive and I’m very attracted to him. But it only causes problems because there’s always like an 80% chance he will not get an erection when I initiate sex so, it’s never worth it. And even if he doesn’t get an erection and we do manage to get through sex, it’s not enjoyable sex because it’s spent rushing to get it done while he’s still hard. It’s miserable, really. So, since we’ve had two failed reboots in a row now, I decided it’s time to buckle down and do it right. I’ve been forcing myself to not be attracted to him. I know he went a very very long time not being attracted to me, even though I am attractive, because of porn use for twice as long as we’ve been married (7 years)- so I just have to get on his level so the lack of desire can be mutual. I just tell myself to focus on the parts of him that aren’t attractive, and I remind myself of how he’s hurt me, and it helps me to not want sex with him. I hope it can get me through a full 90 days.
     
  9. DesperateHousewife7

    DesperateHousewife7 Fapstronaut

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    Just checking in. I’ve been doing okay. Better than previous reboot attempts, for sure. I made the decision to really give it my best effort. It’s Day 12/90 and it’s been kind of freeing, almost. Normally, I would be super stressed out and worried, and gage his progress in his recovery based on our sex life or his sexual behavior towards me, or lack thereof. Obviously, this was unhealthy and always made me feel bad in the end. I was always suspicious, self conscious, really hard on myself and convinced that he must be lying to me- which can really do a number on my mental health to be on high alert like that all the time. But, lately, it’s almost liberating to not have to worry about or think about any of that. I just tell myself it’s not happening, it can’t happen, don’t expect anything to happen. So, this has taken a load off of me and allowed me to take it easy on myself, and focus on other parts of our relationship. It’s been nice. I’m still working on a few other things with this whole PA thing. Namely and most importantly, the anger and resentment I still very much have inside me, leaks out pretty regularly (but not nearly as much, and I’m proud of myself for actively catching the thought in my mind and telling myself not to say it out loud) in the form of passive aggressive remarks. These remarks only serve to make him feel bad, and they certainly don’t make me feel better. So, I’m really trying to reign in my feelings, especially because I can be VERY harsh, almost emotionally abusive, when I feel hurt. It’s like a defense mechanism, or an attempt to make that person feel what they made me feel. It’s awful.

    Another thing I worry about is the ogling. It seems to be a problem for him. At this point, the ogling is the only thing that can ruin our 5 day trip this weekend and I’m really really hoping he can reign that in for himself so that I don’t have to be on alert because once I catch it happening, it ruins everything for me and I shut down. Maybe I should talk to him and ask him if he can please try to be aware of that for me?
     
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  10. DesperateHousewife7

    DesperateHousewife7 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you, Ghost. I talked to him about how I was feeling and I asked him to please be aware of that for me, so that we can have the best trip possible and he was very grateful and happy that I talked to him about it. It was a very positive interaction and he said he will be very aware and make sure to keep himself from looking in the wrong direction. I look forward to it.
     
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  11. DesperateHousewife7

    DesperateHousewife7 Fapstronaut

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    Currently sitting at a NYE party watching hundreds of scantily clad young women walk past us. Anxiety is at a 8/10. I’ll just keep drinking until I don’t remember why I’m anxious.
     
  12. DesperateHousewife7

    DesperateHousewife7 Fapstronaut

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    Well, the trip came and went. It went VERY well. For the first time, there was no arguing about anything sex or porn related. There was no ogling, and I wasn’t on guard the whole time. The party wasn’t an issue. We even woke up one morning embracing and ended up having passionate, loving sex- his initiation. It was a great start to the new year and I am hopeful that this means positive change is coming.
     
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