Restarting

I've fallen off the wagon - a couple of light flirtations with using, then three days in a row as "last time"s. Its no coincidence that I haven't been here keeping track or owning up - its way easier not to. Reaffirming my mission again this morning. Got to find a way around the boredom that sparks the casual dalliance. I read in the nofap newsletter that having a go-to activity is a good idea. not sure what mine would be - i'll ponder.

 

Fuck, I failed again. I knew I could refuse, was just lazy and lame and indulgent and uncommitted. Having to really struggle to not fall into the pit of despair. I just won't. I will just have to be strong. I should be totally starting that counter over, but I'm finding it v. useful to have a counter saying how long I've been at this seriously. If I feel like I'm kidding myself I'll reset. I know I don't have 45 dats - I have no days, but I've been seriously committed for 45 and have made good enough strides and been consistent long enough to not reset. I'm on the edge now. One more fuckup and I begin again. I'm done though. I am stronger than this.

 

Triggers: I was just looking for a show on pirate bay - the ad on the sides had a hot girl in it. Next thing I knew I was on imagefap. The act of searching there gave me a sinking feeling and I felt bad and stopped. In a certain mindframe I can see the women in the photos as just people, not objects, and that interferes with the tittilation. I can and do sometimes push past that and force myself (not that hard) into seeing the objects and fetishistic aspects again. Today I stopped. It's only been 3 days since the last failure, and I don't want to become lost.

 

Js5: Precisely what happens to me. Sucks. Wish I had never found internet porn.

 

Fucked it again yesterday. Did install an adblocker after. I haven't actually made a decision about what to specifically DO when the urge and triggers hit at the same time. It seems so unnatural to avoid masturbating: I came up hardcore catholic and had to undo all of that shame nonsense - and here I am again, this time feeling shame because of porn. FUUUUUUUUUUCK.

 

Alright, I admit it, I'm off base and needing a real reboot again. I've reset my numbers and am setting a personal goal of a straight week without a wank. My pattern of fapping and then using porn for same is relentless and I want out. When I did the real nofap back in the summer, I did feel quite good. Do I have the self-discipline to learn a new way? I need that discipline in other areas too - fitness, practicing, etc. Wish me luck.