Returned Mormon missionary. No, Elders, the problem doesn't disappear.

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by Sisyphus1996, Feb 19, 2019.

  1. Sisyphus1996

    Sisyphus1996 New Fapstronaut

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    I returned from my mission about 8 months ago. My whole life, I thought that by this point in my life, my need to be on sites like this would be over. But well, in the words of Mark Twain: "[Quittting] is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it hundreds of times." And so here we are.

    Let's take a little jaunt down memory lane, shall we?

    I started PMO when I was around 13. Google images searches quickly transitioned to Bing, to lingerie websites, to erotica and still shots, to soft porn, to hard porn. All manner of it.

    At 15, I had a talk with my Bishop (congregational leader for all you non Mormons), and I managed to quit for about a year. By 16 I was back on. This continued, off and on (though, admittedly, mostly on) until about 6 months before my mission (age 19). I was heading out to preach the gospel, I needed to shake this. So, for the most part, I did. I cut down usage to once every couple weeks or less, and convinced myself that was good enough.

    It was not.

    See the thing about Mormon mission service is that, until quite recently, our access to technology was... limited. No smartphones. No tablets. No computers except to email family once a week. No websites that aren't Church websites. No dating. And a companion that is literally never out of sight except when absolutely necessary. For two years. This is an excellent strategy for someone struggling with an addiction, or so I thought. Lock them in a rubber room with someone to make sure they don't go get their "drug of choice" until the problem is solved.

    Fast forward 18 months.

    Smartphones are introduced to the mission. So far, I've had maybe 2 or 3 slip ups and those not full blown porn, like mildly suggestive celebrity photos. But oh how much easier it is with a computer in your pocket. Sure, the phones were locked down like Fort Knox, super restricted website access, periodic device checks as well as active monitoring that could be enabled at any time.

    But you fools. I have 7 years of experience in bypassing filters to get my fix.

    The idiots give us access to Facebook. And it was all over from there. Suddenly I was waist deep in the swamp that I had fought so hard to escape. Sure, you can't get full-blow porn on Facebook, but it's been 18 months of utter celibacy, a stiff breeze will do the trick.

    I didn't tell my mission president. That kind of thing can get you sent home, and a missionary who returns home early is in for a lot of being quietly ostracized and shunned by the Church community, which you can't escape where I'm from, in the Western US.

    Which brings us to today. I'm now 22, and I am neck deep in the swamp. I'm at a couple times a day right now. I'm watching some really toxic stuff. I've never chased the high this hard. Nothing is good enough. That actor isn't hot enough, she looks too old, she doesn't do what I like, they all look the same, I have to have harder stuff, without any porn at all I go soft. I can be on the edge of an orgasm, and I toss my phone away and go soft. Yesterday, I masturbated for 30 minutes after I tossed my phone away, thinking, surely, I don't need that to get off. I never climaxed.

    I'm miserable. I sleep from midnight to noon on my days off from college. Once I'm up, I struggle to get anything done. My schoolwork is slipping, I have a C-D average. I drive people away. My room is a disaster. There's a bottle of whiskey I keep for making steak, I want to drown my thoughts in it. My appreciation for beauty is dead. I look at women like mere pieces of flesh. Art and music hold no satisfaction for me anymore. The whole world is dull and unexciting. My passion, singing, does nothing for me. My voice is shot. My body is sluggish and lethargic. I get sick easily. Part of that is my poor nutrition. I just don't care. Everything is a hassle. I'm angry at God for not removing this from me. Two years of devoted service, I thought that would be enough for God to purify me or help me become stronger. I guess not. I don't even like PMO anymore, I hate it. But its like hating my left leg, what am I supposed to do? Its a part of me, its been a part of me for almost 10 years.

    So, for any Mormons out there. Be on you're guard. Fix it now. Your mission won't fix it. Not unless you intend to stay in that rubber room your whole life.

    This has evolved into a whole bucket of sunshine, hasn't it? I don't know that I can quit. After 10 years, you'd think that I'd have gotten better at fighting it. In reality, my will to fight has just been worn away for a decade. Why fight, when fighting is so hard, but succumbing is so easy? Do I even care? I want to be strong, but I. Am. Not. Strong. I've prayed, I've meditated, I've studied divinity and scripture. I'm left with nothing but gritted teeth and a pissed-off motivation.

    Day 1.
     
    safa61947 likes this.
  2. oretna

    oretna Fapstronaut

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    Welcome! I think that you are doing the right thing coming here. You are on the right track. You can get help from your fellows here. It will get better.
     
  3. safa61947

    safa61947 Fapstronaut

    @Sisyphus1996 thank you for sharing your struggle.

    You are being unforgiving to yourself. As you said yourself, you didn't watch the hard core stuff we non-religious use to watch. I see you are in a lot of pressure, but you're still doing good. I advise you to get some good sleep, stuff yourself with meat, set up a plan by yourself to stop watching lewds on the FaceBook. As to telling your Priesthood about your sins, if you are sure they will send you back, then it's not advisable to tell now, but if you think they will not punish yourself, you should tell, so you can be more at peace with yourself.

    I understand how important is the mission to you, even though I don't share your religious belief. All I see is a young man drowned in anxiety which is doing actually pretty good.
     
  4. NearDeath

    NearDeath Fapstronaut

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    wow, talking with your bishop enabled you to stop for a year? that must have been some talk.

    but yeah you are right, it only takes the slightest thing for the porn demon to get it's foot in the door.

    just remember, when you get a big flood of nicotine, you can get addicted almost instantly. like it you smoke a whole pack in a day. same with dopamine, if you take a huge hit, wham, you're addicted all over
     
  5. NearDeath

    NearDeath Fapstronaut

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    when you hit 50 or 60 you'l wish you were that horny.

    raging horny is raw flaming sword power, learn to harness it and you can do great things.

    know SAtan can sometimes inflame these things, so it can be your will against a demons will, if that is the case, take heart. they are ancient creatures, if you can conquer it you can acquire great powers, things you never thought possible.

    Satans power is growing very very strong and it will affect ALL christians, worldwide. the christians in venezuela are starving, under demonic attack facing much more horrible things, that sort of thing would probably take your mind of jerking off

    but like when your Bishop heard your problem, and prayed or his angels heard and the blessing lasted a year. sommetimes you just gotta find someone with that power to bless you. so then you will have the power to in turn, bless others. and so on and so forth. it's hard to really obtain a blessing alone, there is no willpower in the void of solitude. we really do nothing for ourselves, everything is for love of someone else.



    exercise first thing in the morning, that can do wonders.

    cold shower.

    don't forget. Christian sisters, like in that Iron video, are really undergoing all that. use your sword to free them. it's real,

    and it's good women of all religions and nationalities, that need your power. your control.

    they really need saved from these ultra super creeps Satan has put in power. we are facing fates worse than death here, it's no joke
     
    Last edited: Feb 19, 2019
    Sisyphus1996 likes this.
  6. Sisyphus1996

    Sisyphus1996 New Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for the support :)
    You mentioned eating a lot of meat? Whats the logic behind that?
     
  7. NearDeath

    NearDeath Fapstronaut

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    i have struggled with Satan himself and I am nothing, but those moments, where he's off fighting others, and his will is just weak enough, to affect my will, you will find you've now acquired a little bit of magic if you are trained to understand it
     
  8. NearDeath

    NearDeath Fapstronaut

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    you never really know how much effort you may or may not be making, because you don't really know the power of the will that may be opposing your own.

    all you can do is resist with all your might. know you are weakening the enemy with your strength, the butterfly effect is real. every day you make it though, you may have saved a girl's soul in Venezuela or China, as ben franklin said, you tripped the horse that causes the captain to fall, and caused them to lose the war
     

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