Revealing what I haven't told anybody yet. I can't forgive myself for it (long)

I have to admit something bad about myself.

In February I was travelling around Japan and I had sex for the first time. I'd met this Japanese girl on a languages app and she'd hosted me at her family's house. This was back around Christmas time. She and her family were so kind to me. I was so glad I'd got the change to have a true Japanese experience. I spent three amazing days with her and her friends and family and during the last night together we ended up making out. I was attracted to her.

After that I'd gone back to my hostel where I was working but I felt like I needed to see her again. We both wanted to see each other again and we planned to do that in another city, right in the middle between mine and hers. We stayed at a hotel for two nights and we had a great time. I'd already realized back then that she wasn't a great talker, she wasn't particularly interesting and she acted kind of childish. However I was having fun with her and I was experiencing something that was new for me: intimacy. We didn't end up having sex (she told me that Japanese people only have it if they are in a relationship, don't think that's the case though) but she gave me a blowjob. Our physical chemistry was great. The day after we parted for the second time.

My time in Japan was coming to an end but I really wanted to see her again. I asked her if she would let me stay at her university's place for two or three days and she accepted. The three days that I spent with her were the last I spent in Japan. They were magical. We visited beautiful places, ate delicious food and had so much fun. I felt loved. Sleeping and cuddling with her felt amazing. The best moment was when we bathed in the tub together. I felt so cozy. Things escalated and I started fingering her, giving her her first orgasm (she was 20).

We tried to have sex but she was afraid it would be painful so she hesitated. The last morning together, however, it happened somehow. I was feeling quite anxious and I came quickly. I felt so happy to finally have done it. After worrying so much of being a virgin, I'd finally had relieved myself of a great burden, and I had done it the right way with someone I cared about.

The day after I left Japan and came back home after two months. We kept in touch after I came back, for a month and a half or so. We would text everyday and she told me that I was "perfect" to her. She said that she thanked me for coming into her world and that she liked me a lot. I liked her too.

Eventually it got boring though, because she wouldn't say much. Our conversations were quite empty. Cultural differences played a big role for sure. I let her know that and she said that it wasn't boring at all for her. We tried to discuss it but it turned out to be an incredible challenge for me because it seemed like she couldn't understand my point at all. It was exasperating.

I got frustrated and started feeling like she didn't care anymore, even though she did. I remember in April, I got super angry (not with her specifically, in general) during a NoFap streak. I was enraged for days and felt the need to let it out. I couldn't take it anymore. During another exasperating conversation I sent her the meanest message I've ever sent anybody.

I told her in Japanese, to make sure she understood that:

Honestly I've never met anyone as boring as you. You never have anything to say, you're such a mediocre girl. You're so childish. You're totally uninteresting (I used くそ面白くない、if anyone reading is Japanese or speaks it, tell me how it can be perceived please).
You're just terrible at talking. It was boring when we were together too, but we were doing cool stuff and kissing all the time so I didn't mind. But now it's just unbearable. This is just crazy, guess it must be normal for you.

She replied me in a really Japanese passive-aggressive way and said that she wouldn't text me anymore.

It's been three months and I feel like crap now. I've thought about her a lot lately and I can't forgive myself for it. I'm usually seen as a really kind, gentle and respectable dude, but am I really? I'm actually full of rage, but I hide it well and I don't show it to others. I admit that I believed some of what I said but nonetheless that was an incredibly rude and mean gesture to a person that truly cared about me and showed me such kindness and respect. Her family was absolutely wonderful to me. What will they think now, after I've disrespected and humiliated their daughter like that?

The main problem is that I feel like I'm rotten inside. I used to say such things to my mother when I was an adolescent. I was always hysterical and fuming with anger. That's one of the reasons that led to me using pornography, and I guess porn fomented my anger even more.

I'm scared of myself. I'm afraid that one day my anger will lead me to do bad things, especially if it involves girls and therefore feelings. That's why I absolutely need to keep working hard to get rid of this obnoxious demon in order to become a better person and to suppress those negative emotions that I still seem to be riddled with.

 

Even though I believed certain things and I told her those things I cared about this girl.
I'm pretty sure I did humiliate her because in a culture like the Japanese one people are not used to being straightforward at all and they're not used to be talked to in such an aggressive way. So yeah, it was probably humiliating for her.

I guess you're right though, I shouldn't be worrying about this now. I was just feeling down today.

 

That's what I tried to do, but man you can't believe how exasperating it was. Like talking to a wall. She would reply in such a mechanical and cold way, like a robot. At first we would make video calls and I'm sure if we kept doing that it would have been different.

It's over now, she won't get back to me anymore. It makes me feel bad because this girl thought that I was such a kind person (which I am for the most part) but I have this darker side that I don't show but that is there. It's not just about the message itself, but the way I've always behaved, especially with my parents. The message just reminded me of it you know.

 

The thing is that this reminded me of this darker side that I have, this anger that I'm constantly boiling with. It's not about the girl, not about the message itself, but about these negative emotions that I'm rippled with and that I'm afraid of.

I fantasized about killing her. I fantasized about going to her place where we had sex for the first time, bathing in that tub and just choking her and slicing her head. That's fucking crazy right? I had those thoughts and I was like "what's going on?" and tried to suppress them immediately. I'm not violent, I'm usually really kind and calm and easy-going, but at times I have this uncontrollable anger. I'm afraid of it.

That's why this message and this thing resinated with me. I have to tame this beast inside of me that no one knows about.

 

You're right though. I knew that from the beginning that this girl wasn't for me, but you know, I was in Japan, having a great time, and I didn't mind at all. What kept me attached to her is the intimacy that we developed that I've always longed for and that I'd never experienced before.

I'm just being weak now. I actually started realizing that she was boring and that I was wasting my time with her when I was on a good streak and feeling better and better about myself. After that I fell into the trap again and got weaker. I remember that I would think of her everytime I would relapse. PMO would make me weaker and needier.

The more I'm able to go on without PMOing, the better I'll feel about myself and the less I'll feel like I need someone to be with.

 

Thanks man for not considering me a nutcase. I'm glad you understand. As long as we both don't kill anyone... lol

I know that I would never do anything like that. But I'm aware of the fact that I need to work on my emotions. I think that this anger that I have is directed at myself. I've always felt unsatisfied and ashamed of myself. I've always felt worthless growing up and I would always vent my frustration with my parents. I don't know where this fucking comes from though. This is much, much bigger than porn, unfortunately.

Thanks for the suggestion btw. I added it to my reading list.

 

Thanks for your response. I appreciate your honesty.

I'm not an asshole, far from it. I'm a considerate and respectful person. That's why I feel bad about it and I'm not listening to people that say that I shouldn't worry because I was honest.

She spoke English and was able to handle a normal conversation; I speak little Japanese so we were able to talk to each other. I'm 100% sure that it wasn't me though. I'm being really honest with myself. I try to make people as comfortable as possible and I'm a good listener. I would try to get her to talk about her life but she wouldn't say much; I would do most of the talking (and apparently I'm introverted). She seemed quite shallow and childish (she even told me that she felt like she was childish...). So yeah it wasn't meant to be.

However I still spent amazing days with her, it was a lot of fun. We had a great physical connection and we quickly developed a sort of intimacy. That's why I still feel attached to her.

Even though it wasn't meant to be, it shouldn't have ended like that. It was a big mistake and I'll learn from it. I texted a Japanese friend of hers to please let her know that I feel sorry for it and she told me that she will text her. She also said "don't worry, her response is slow also during normal conversations". Hopefully she gets back to me so that I can apologise properly.