Revealing what I haven't told anybody yet. I can't forgive myself for it (long)

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by Hustler_98, Jul 5, 2020.

  1. Hustler_98

    Hustler_98 Fapstronaut

    I have to admit something bad about myself.

    In February I was travelling around Japan and I had sex for the first time. I'd met this Japanese girl on a languages app and she'd hosted me at her family's house. This was back around Christmas time. She and her family were so kind to me. I was so glad I'd got the change to have a true Japanese experience. I spent three amazing days with her and her friends and family and during the last night together we ended up making out. I was attracted to her.

    After that I'd gone back to my hostel where I was working but I felt like I needed to see her again. We both wanted to see each other again and we planned to do that in another city, right in the middle between mine and hers. We stayed at a hotel for two nights and we had a great time. I'd already realized back then that she wasn't a great talker, she wasn't particularly interesting and she acted kind of childish. However I was having fun with her and I was experiencing something that was new for me: intimacy. We didn't end up having sex (she told me that Japanese people only have it if they are in a relationship, don't think that's the case though) but she gave me a blowjob. Our physical chemistry was great. The day after we parted for the second time.

    My time in Japan was coming to an end but I really wanted to see her again. I asked her if she would let me stay at her university's place for two or three days and she accepted. The three days that I spent with her were the last I spent in Japan. They were magical. We visited beautiful places, ate delicious food and had so much fun. I felt loved. Sleeping and cuddling with her felt amazing. The best moment was when we bathed in the tub together. I felt so cozy. Things escalated and I started fingering her, giving her her first orgasm (she was 20).

    We tried to have sex but she was afraid it would be painful so she hesitated. The last morning together, however, it happened somehow. I was feeling quite anxious and I came quickly. I felt so happy to finally have done it. After worrying so much of being a virgin, I'd finally had relieved myself of a great burden, and I had done it the right way with someone I cared about.

    The day after I left Japan and came back home after two months. We kept in touch after I came back, for a month and a half or so. We would text everyday and she told me that I was "perfect" to her. She said that she thanked me for coming into her world and that she liked me a lot. I liked her too.

    Eventually it got boring though, because she wouldn't say much. Our conversations were quite empty. Cultural differences played a big role for sure. I let her know that and she said that it wasn't boring at all for her. We tried to discuss it but it turned out to be an incredible challenge for me because it seemed like she couldn't understand my point at all. It was exasperating.

    I got frustrated and started feeling like she didn't care anymore, even though she did. I remember in April, I got super angry (not with her specifically, in general) during a NoFap streak. I was enraged for days and felt the need to let it out. I couldn't take it anymore. During another exasperating conversation I sent her the meanest message I've ever sent anybody.

    I told her in Japanese, to make sure she understood that:

    Honestly I've never met anyone as boring as you. You never have anything to say, you're such a mediocre girl. You're so childish. You're totally uninteresting (I used くそ面白くない、if anyone reading is Japanese or speaks it, tell me how it can be perceived please).
    You're just terrible at talking. It was boring when we were together too, but we were doing cool stuff and kissing all the time so I didn't mind. But now it's just unbearable. This is just crazy, guess it must be normal for you.

    She replied me in a really Japanese passive-aggressive way and said that she wouldn't text me anymore.

    It's been three months and I feel like crap now. I've thought about her a lot lately and I can't forgive myself for it. I'm usually seen as a really kind, gentle and respectable dude, but am I really? I'm actually full of rage, but I hide it well and I don't show it to others. I admit that I believed some of what I said but nonetheless that was an incredibly rude and mean gesture to a person that truly cared about me and showed me such kindness and respect. Her family was absolutely wonderful to me. What will they think now, after I've disrespected and humiliated their daughter like that?

    The main problem is that I feel like I'm rotten inside. I used to say such things to my mother when I was an adolescent. I was always hysterical and fuming with anger. That's one of the reasons that led to me using pornography, and I guess porn fomented my anger even more.

    I'm scared of myself. I'm afraid that one day my anger will lead me to do bad things, especially if it involves girls and therefore feelings. That's why I absolutely need to keep working hard to get rid of this obnoxious demon in order to become a better person and to suppress those negative emotions that I still seem to be riddled with.
  2. palindromo

    palindromo Fapstronaut

    Understandable, you should talk to her and explain your point of view, your fears , the disrespect , cultural differences ...

    Messages become boring in the long run, full of misunderstandings, can I suggest instead making video calls and abolishing conversations by messages?
  3. Bro but from that message it sounds like he never liked her anyway. And now he just thinks he owes her some respect or something.
    Bro, OP, you don't owe anyone anything. Even if someone does something for you for free. Unless you agree with them that you are in debt you are not. Same with you. You can do a lot of nice things to other people, but unless agreed otherwise, these people don't owe you jack.
    I agree that the message was kind of rude though. You could have just said "I don't like you because you are kind of boring" etc and keep it polite. Well. You may always apologise and be honest. TTell her you don't actually like her but you were a dick so you want to apologise. Then forget her. Unless she says it's fine, but if she doesn't, leave it out.
    What more can you do bro? You made the decision to be rude and now you have to live up to the consequences. Like an adult man.
  4. Hustler_98

    Hustler_98 Fapstronaut

    Even though I believed certain things and I told her those things I cared about this girl.
    I'm pretty sure I did humiliate her because in a culture like the Japanese one people are not used to being straightforward at all and they're not used to be talked to in such an aggressive way. So yeah, it was probably humiliating for her.

    I guess you're right though, I shouldn't be worrying about this now. I was just feeling down today.
  5. In that case you should apologise and if she doesn't want to have anything to do with you, you take it on your chin.
    Everyone makes mistakes though. If I were in your shoes and did what you did, but then learnt from the mistake, I would just forgive myself and never go back to it.
    Hustler_98 likes this.
  6. Hustler_98

    Hustler_98 Fapstronaut

    That's what I tried to do, but man you can't believe how exasperating it was. Like talking to a wall. She would reply in such a mechanical and cold way, like a robot. At first we would make video calls and I'm sure if we kept doing that it would have been different.

    It's over now, she won't get back to me anymore. It makes me feel bad because this girl thought that I was such a kind person (which I am for the most part) but I have this darker side that I don't show but that is there. It's not just about the message itself, but the way I've always behaved, especially with my parents. The message just reminded me of it you know.
  7. Bro, next time you don't like something about someone just tell them that, and if they keep being what they are, stop talking to them and find yourself a new friend.
    You can do that and it is not being rude or an asshole. It is respecting your friendships and not giving people false hopes that you like them when in reality you don't.
    Hustler_98 likes this.
  8. Hustler_98

    Hustler_98 Fapstronaut

    The thing is that this reminded me of this darker side that I have, this anger that I'm constantly boiling with. It's not about the girl, not about the message itself, but about these negative emotions that I'm rippled with and that I'm afraid of.

    I fantasized about killing her. I fantasized about going to her place where we had sex for the first time, bathing in that tub and just choking her and slicing her head. That's fucking crazy right? I had those thoughts and I was like "what's going on?" and tried to suppress them immediately. I'm not violent, I'm usually really kind and calm and easy-going, but at times I have this uncontrollable anger. I'm afraid of it.

    That's why this message and this thing resinated with me. I have to tame this beast inside of me that no one knows about.
  9. I fantasised about murdering my entire class when I was a teenager several times. But never because I actually wanted to do it. Just some weird scenarios that I wanted to live in my imaginations, but would not do in real life.
    Sometimes even as an adult I fantasise about doing things such as killing people but it's nothing other than fantasies that come and go + I know that I would never do anything like that because I have morals so maybe that's why I don't really pay attention to them. You kind of made me realise that I also have something like that :p

    If you can't control your emotions then that's something to work with. Emotions can and must be kept in check. The topic is a rich seam though.
    There was a book I read many years ago that I really liked and really educated me in these aspects: Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman. A must read.
    Hustler_98 likes this.
  10. Hustler_98

    Hustler_98 Fapstronaut

    You're right though. I knew that from the beginning that this girl wasn't for me, but you know, I was in Japan, having a great time, and I didn't mind at all. What kept me attached to her is the intimacy that we developed that I've always longed for and that I'd never experienced before.

    I'm just being weak now. I actually started realizing that she was boring and that I was wasting my time with her when I was on a good streak and feeling better and better about myself. After that I fell into the trap again and got weaker. I remember that I would think of her everytime I would relapse. PMO would make me weaker and needier.

    The more I'm able to go on without PMOing, the better I'll feel about myself and the less I'll feel like I need someone to be with.
  11. Hustler_98

    Hustler_98 Fapstronaut

    Thanks man for not considering me a nutcase. I'm glad you understand. As long as we both don't kill anyone... lol

    I know that I would never do anything like that. But I'm aware of the fact that I need to work on my emotions. I think that this anger that I have is directed at myself. I've always felt unsatisfied and ashamed of myself. I've always felt worthless growing up and I would always vent my frustration with my parents. I don't know where this fucking comes from though. This is much, much bigger than porn, unfortunately.

    Thanks for the suggestion btw. I added it to my reading list.
  12. No one is perfect and you my friend were going through grief. Do you have any idea how many times I used to rage message some closer female “friends” of mine just because I missed them? The best thing to do is be real with yourself first, then be real with your love. Keep the fake out your life.
  13. Move on with your life dude ,women do the things you did to men all the time and dont feel rotten about it . Learn and move on
  14. He does bad things and feels guilty. I'd say that's a good thing. How else would he improve if he didn't think there is anything to improve in the first place?
  15. Envoy-ofthe-End

    Envoy-ofthe-End Fapstronaut

    We all make mistakes and you should learn from them. Sometimes you can make amends and other times there is nothing you can do about it. The best thing to do is to look forward and avoid repeating it. She was probably boring because Japanese people are not typically sentimental and full of expression like westerners, they are more cold and calculated.
  16. You had a great time, and after that, you 've hurt her heavily.
    There is just and only one thing you need to do in your situation:

    Humble yourself towards her. Text her again and show your heart. Not to restore the relationship, but to clean your own heart.
    Don't play games, but be bold and open as possible and share how you feel after you've sent that message.
    Deleted Account likes this.
  17. Stragler

    Stragler Fapstronaut

    This kind of behavior only serves to confirm my suspicion that man is sinful and in need of a savior. It’s good that you are able to recognize how twisted our fantasies are. As a PMO man I have many things about myself that I despise as well.
    Roady likes this.
  18. kuso is rude dude
  19. cadia guardsman

    cadia guardsman Fapstronaut

    Lol she lives in Japan come on its very far dont be to hard on yourself get a girl from your country
  20. Since I have lived in Japan and my wife is Japanese, I might be able to offer some insights. Your words hit home a bit.
    When lovers cannot communicate properly with each they kind of see what they want to see in each other. It's understandable but hardly the way to build a genuine relationship. Things can be amazing for a little while and then reality sets in.
    Telling her those things in the way you did was a rotten thing to do. Don't listen to assholes who tell you that you told the truth so it's all good. Sorry, man, but your Japanese sucks and you have the nerve to tell her she is boring? Not fair. What if the shoe was on the other foot? I'd pile it on more, but I have done similar things in Japan and I still shake my head today in disgust at it. Man, I hope you at least sent her parents a nice thank you card or some gift from your country. That's kind of expected there.
    As for your concern for your rage, I would suggest reading a book or good web sites about dealing with anger. Do not read anything by a person without genuine experience and professional credentials. A lot of young men nurse anger inside, it needs a healthy outlet. Porn won't help that, it'll make it worse.
    On the plus side, you are wise enough to realize what you have done is not cool. Begin taking steps to see it never happens again.
    I would rule out any future relationship her, I doubt it was meant to be. But if you can get someone to help you write a genuinely kind and respectful letter to her (not email) and offer her a real apology, that might help her and you not look back with anger.
    Apologies if I overstepped my bounds. Gambatte kudasai.
    whiteflag70 likes this.

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