Right back where I started

I feel like I'm right back where I started right before I joined NoFap. My addiction to PMO has such an intense grip on me that I honestly see no way out. I feel like making it 25 or 26 days when first joining was just a fluke.

Some might say to get a gf and have sex. This doesn't work for me, it only exacerbates it. My last gf quickly became a human sex toy to me and I hated it because despite being that sexually active my PMO addiction still persisted. We could literally have sex three times in one afternoon and after she left out came my laptop.

I don't want it but I can't say no. Over the years I only saw one way out (this wasn't the only influencer for that) but I know I won't do it. I've lost count how many times I stared down the barrel of a pistol, or drove fast toward a solid object, or maybe wanted to OD on something. It's almost like I hear someone laughing at me, knowing I won't do it and be rid of everything.

A therapist managed to get the truth out of me. My obsession isn't with being dead, it's with not having the problem and knowing what the world would be like without me. That's why I can't do it (and if you made it this far without panicking, thank you). The therapist recommended what he called "insteads" or what I call a distraction. Basically every time I want PMO I do something else. In theory its simple, in actuality it's not.

I've tried practicing guitar, watching tv/movie/youtube, running (I am an avid runner), working out, sleeping, you name it. Usually it just delays the inevitable. I think if I workout to the point of muscle failure I physically won't be able to do it, perhaps that will help.

I want to try working out one more time but at the moment I'm too depressed to do much in the way of the physical. One thing I hate about depression is it's ability to make you feel incredibly fatigued and/or sleepy. I think I'll go to a bar and drink and watch the Astros, downside is being depressed will make the alcohol work faster. I guess that could be an upside as I will save money.

I just want it to be over.