Right use of sex vs wrong use SPOILER ALERT

One major realization that liberated me a lot on my path was the discovery that, while I know good sex and beautiful love making, that I had this ugly raunchy drive side - like separated from this, that was dark and lived and led to this addiction as from young on I m a lot (which for teens is normal...but in my case it went way longer beyond teen times).

This part I lived outside of relation or sex and this as I discoverd way further down the road, just not too long ago, ultimately led me into the dark side taking me down the road to the addiction and where I eventually landed.
One reason for this to happen, as I found, is that I did not accept not embrace this part of sex. The raunchy dirty ugly one. I condemed it and fought it and did not identify with it.
So mch energy went into this fight.

I lived it in secret, apart from my other sex life. For a very long time I could separate the two but the dark one was eventually stronger for some time and took over.

I lived it and over time, until very recently, gave up judgement and saw also the good that it did to me. The relaxation I had and taking me into vacation at times that were very hard. I learned edging and dwelling in desire for very long times. This covered up my mind made me heavy in energy and covered me up and i was negative but eventually I kept coming out again and then in and it went for a very long time like this.

The edging and pleasure dwelling so deeply in it, I saw had something good while it was of course very bad at the same time. However one day I realized a big YES to this in a chat conversation with a girl, that was free of judgement- difficult to describe- but I felt a deeper yes and that this is good and right. Not all of it of course and I was confused that there is the clearly wrong use of it with addiction and dwelling lost apart kind of perverted way apart from normal living of this energy.

However with the full yes to it there came a great liberation (I guess like to anything you experinece when you stop fighting against and embrace and regain your energy that was tight up in a fight). With this liberation I could see that yes this deep satisfying use of sex is good but I live it wrong. And I managed to start living it with my wife a couple times this way and this was very good. I need the lasting long sessions and even come a couple times over hours and truely deeply intensively interact lustful and live out this energy I have.

Difficuot to explain but while often nice or beautiful even satisfying sex before it was not the same like this.

Unfortunatelly its not good with my wife right now relationship wise and we are on distance for now as we work through things.

But I got the taste and thats normal in my life. My striving and feel for something to possibly be the path often led me to experiences to confirm this. That then took longer time to truely establish in my life.

Thats where I am now. With a great realization and liberation and the confirming experience. Now its about establishing this in my life. With this I can drop all the wrong use of the sex energy which is dwelling alone in desire edging alone dwelling in wrong imagery through porn and perversion really quite off the chart... which again affects the mind in a wrong way as the images arent how you should isolated raunchy horny see women isolated from context which kind of is sick.

With right use all the perversion disappears and I can often just see a hot girl as that with a tight body that she has but not affected not hooked not in wrong ways but can see things as they are which was difficult or impossible when I was submerged in the porn addiction and the massive wrong use of the energy