Hello everybody My name is Jakob. I am 27 years old, and have masterbated about at least to times per day the last many years. I have lost count of the times I have woken up in a great mood, thinking "this is gonna be a great day, but then thinking "hey, I got 10 minutes, might as well.....".... With energy depleted, feeling sick to my stomach the world suddenly seems dark, where it was bright minutes before. I go back to sleep and wake up hours later, feeling that I have wasted my day. Feeling bad, I know there is something I can do to feel better. At least for a while. And so the spiral continues. This is an image of a day wasted, becoming a month, a life... wasted. The title of this thread is road to 30.000 days. In 30.000 days I will be a 110 years old. If I am still alive, I might just indulge on that day But not before. I have a lot of bad habits. Used to have more. Seeing friends and family succeeding, growing up, moving on, I have myself felt stuck. Like there is a second Jakob up in my brain somewhere, hellbent on destroying any chance of liberation and true happiness. It was only a few years ago when I was still blissfully living a happy go lucky life. Optimistic in the sense that I was convinced that I would figure it out as time went by. Time did go by. But I didn't figure it out. Dreams undefined, and without purpose, patiently, then impatiently, waiting for change. A few years ago the realization hit me that change doesnt just happen. At least not the kind I want. Two years ago I took a look at my life and identified the causes of my stagnation. And I have identified the things that make me happy. But rather than this realization being the cause of change it has been leading to misery, and loss of hope. Since I love cakes, let's use a cake metaphor. I used to just throw stuff in the bowl and make a cake. Sometimes it would be great, sometimes not. Didnt bother me much, since I felt convinced that I would one day know the right ingredients and right amounts, so I would be able to make my favourite cake. Every single day! Today I do the ingredients, and I do know the amounts. I know how long to bake it, and at what temperature. But still, more often than not, I CHOOSE to put some tabasco, a bit of thousand island dressing, and a pound of salt in there. Why? Because those things are a bit closer on the shelve than the chocolate and the flour. Its easier to be miserable. This fucks my mind up. The fact that I am consciously fucking up my life. No one to blame. Only me. For me, masterbation is a short escape from reality. I used to do drugs, and I used to smoke. Same thing. Though some drugs can be useful for personal development, for me they were destructive. Smoking too. And not being able to get out of bed. All of these are behaviors which are holding me back, destroying me physically and mentally. Yet they were all a part of my life. For the last two years my life has been on a downward spiral, with short intermissions. Suddenly I would get motivation to change. And i WOULD change. For a while. The problem is that I felt that these habits were completely in my control. That it is MY brain, and MY decisions. That is of course ultimatively true in a sense. But self discipline is a muscle. The way I approached my bad habits can be compared to going to the gym for the first time and expecting to be able bench 200 pounds. With all of those years of accumulating bad habits my discipline muscles have atrophied to a point were benching the bar only, would be a challenge. We deceive ourselves in to thinking that changing behaviour is something we can do just do. And when we unavoidably fail, we feel like failures, and with less confidence the muscles atrophy even more, making the next attempt even more futile. At this point many people give up. I refused to. 6 months ago I started a new approach. Started with easy things. I made my bed every morning. Shaved every day. Started going to bed earlier. Listened to Headspace to calm my anxiety. Started running a few km, then a few more. Each of these changes was done individually with at least a few weeks of doing only those. And crucially, I evaluated on a daily basis. Not weekly or monthly. In the past I would make a goal of of running 4 times in a week. After a week I would evaluate. If I had only run 3 times, I would feel as though I had failed, going in to the next week with less confidence. And I wouldn't have the chance of feeling success until a week later. Most of the time I would fail again, and so it continued. By evaluating daily, even if I failed, I would have a chance again tomorrow. This way way I have accumulated so many successes, and a month ago I felt as though my muscles had strengthened enough to take on a harder challenge: Quitting smoking. Evaluating daily might seem to contradict my goal of 30.000 days. But it is related to my experience in stopping smoking. I read the book "Easy way to stop smokin" by Allan Carr. In it I learned that smoking gave me nothing, that it was a crutch, an escape. My stress didnt get releived by cigarettes, it was caused by them. After reading the book, I havent touched a cigarette since. And I will never smoke again. I know from experience that just 1 cigarette quickly leads to full relapse. Back to fapping That is why I must use the same mindset when it comes to PMO. I am not on journey to 30 days, or 90 or 360. I am not a journey at all. I have simply chosen to stop a destructive behavior forever. That being said, I believe that masterbating to porn is the single most destructive habit I have had. And it is the "crutch" I have feared losing the most. That is the reason I have come here. I might need support when it gets hard. I have already gotten great motivation from posts on this community, and want to thank everybody who are here, even after being "cured", spending time and effort in order to help the rest of us getting there. I am on day five and will be updating regularly. With posts a lot shorter than this hopefully thank you!