Road to 30.000 days

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by JakobSejr, Oct 20, 2016.

  1. JakobSejr

    JakobSejr New Fapstronaut

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    Hello everybody:)

    My name is Jakob. I am 27 years old, and have masterbated about at least to times per day the last many years.

    I have lost count of the times I have woken up in a great mood, thinking "this is gonna be a great day, but then thinking "hey, I got 10 minutes, might as well.....".... With energy depleted, feeling sick to my stomach the world suddenly seems dark, where it was bright minutes before. I go back to sleep and wake up hours later, feeling that I have wasted my day. Feeling bad, I know there is something I can do to feel better. At least for a while. And so the spiral continues. This is an image of a day wasted, becoming a month, a life... wasted.

    The title of this thread is road to 30.000 days. In 30.000 days I will be a 110 years old. If I am still alive, I might just indulge on that day;) But not before.

    I have a lot of bad habits. Used to have more. Seeing friends and family succeeding, growing up, moving on, I have myself felt stuck. Like there is a second Jakob up in my brain somewhere, hellbent on destroying any chance of liberation and true happiness.

    It was only a few years ago when I was still blissfully living a happy go lucky life. Optimistic in the sense that I was convinced that I would figure it out as time went by. Time did go by. But I didn't figure it out.

    Dreams undefined, and without purpose, patiently, then impatiently, waiting for change.

    A few years ago the realization hit me that change doesnt just happen. At least not the kind I want. Two years ago I took a look at my life and identified the causes of my stagnation. And I have identified the things that make me happy.
    But rather than this realization being the cause of change it has been leading to misery, and loss of hope.

    Since I love cakes, let's use a cake metaphor. I used to just throw stuff in the bowl and make a cake. Sometimes it would be great, sometimes not. Didnt bother me much, since I felt convinced that I would one day know the right ingredients and right amounts, so I would be able to make my favourite cake. Every single day!

    Today I do the ingredients, and I do know the amounts. I know how long to bake it, and at what temperature. But still, more often than not, I CHOOSE to put some tabasco, a bit of thousand island dressing, and a pound of salt in there. Why?

    Because those things are a bit closer on the shelve than the chocolate and the flour.
    Its easier to be miserable.

    This fucks my mind up. The fact that I am consciously fucking up my life.
    No one to blame. Only me.

    For me, masterbation is a short escape from reality. I used to do drugs, and I used to smoke. Same thing. Though some drugs can be useful for personal development, for me they were destructive. Smoking too. And not being able to get out of bed. All of these are behaviors which are holding me back, destroying me physically and mentally. Yet they were all a part of my life.

    For the last two years my life has been on a downward spiral, with short intermissions. Suddenly I would get motivation to change. And i WOULD change. For a while.
    The problem is that I felt that these habits were completely in my control. That it is MY brain, and MY decisions. That is of course ultimatively true in a sense.

    But self discipline is a muscle. The way I approached my bad habits can be compared to going to the gym for the first time and expecting to be able bench 200 pounds.
    With all of those years of accumulating bad habits my discipline muscles have atrophied to a point were benching the bar only, would be a challenge.

    We deceive ourselves in to thinking that changing behaviour is something we can do just do. And when we unavoidably fail, we feel like failures, and with less confidence the muscles atrophy even more, making the next attempt even more futile.
    At this point many people give up.

    I refused to.

    6 months ago I started a new approach.

    Started with easy things. I made my bed every morning. Shaved every day. Started going to bed earlier. Listened to Headspace to calm my anxiety. Started running a few km, then a few more. Each of these changes was done individually with at least a few weeks of doing only those. And crucially, I evaluated on a daily basis. Not weekly or monthly.

    In the past I would make a goal of of running 4 times in a week. After a week I would evaluate. If I had only run 3 times, I would feel as though I had failed, going in to the next week with less confidence. And I wouldn't have the chance of feeling success until a week later. Most of the time I would fail again, and so it continued.

    By evaluating daily, even if I failed, I would have a chance again tomorrow. This way way I have accumulated so many successes, and a month ago I felt as though my muscles had strengthened enough to take on a harder challenge:

    Quitting smoking.

    Evaluating daily might seem to contradict my goal of 30.000 days. But it is related to my experience in stopping smoking. I read the book "Easy way to stop smokin" by Allan Carr. In it I learned that smoking gave me nothing, that it was a crutch, an escape. My stress didnt get releived by cigarettes, it was caused by them. After reading the book, I havent touched a cigarette since. And I will never smoke again. I know from experience that just 1 cigarette quickly leads to full relapse.

    Back to fapping:)

    That is why I must use the same mindset when it comes to PMO. I am not on journey to 30 days, or 90 or 360. I am not a journey at all. I have simply chosen to stop a destructive behavior forever.

    That being said, I believe that masterbating to porn is the single most destructive habit I have had. And it is the "crutch" I have feared losing the most. That is the reason I have come here. I might need support when it gets hard.

    I have already gotten great motivation from posts on this community, and want to thank everybody who are here, even after being "cured", spending time and effort in order to help the rest of us getting there.

    I am on day five and will be updating regularly. With posts a lot shorter than this hopefully;) thank you!
     
  2. Timochup

    Timochup Guest

    Awesome story!

    I totally undestand you. I have been playing games for years and watching P as mechanism of evasion.
    Now I'm facing my destiny and, 29 years old, I need to start seriously. I started step by step, and fall every once and again, but the starts have to be always slow and easy.

    So, starting getting up early, studing a little bit, selling one more game , and stopping watching P.
    3rd day for me. Let's inform periodically.
    I need a partner in this trip. And I feel the same, this trip, as quit smoking, has to be for 30000 days.

    Timochup
     
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  3. goldstein

    goldstein Fapstronaut

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    Great approach to self development. The most important things are those too little that we don't care about them. But when we do those little apparently insignificant habits or actions they start to accumulate and gain their own momentum. I recommend the book The Slight Edge by Jeff Olson, a great book to understand how to change your habbits. From what i read from your post you have already understand quite much of The Slight Edge. (how little daily actions accumulate and push us to a better future). Good luck
     
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  4. NicoRobocop

    NicoRobocop Fapstronaut

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    Good job man all habits can broken ;)
     
  5. Denzel889

    Denzel889 Fapstronaut

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    I like your goal.... Keep up the good work. My goal are 300 days +
     
  6. JakobSejr

    JakobSejr New Fapstronaut

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    Timo;

    Both of us being in our later twenties, I think we might be facing similar issues. So many friends seem like they are moving on, growing up, having families, doing "grown up stuff".

    Even though I know we should never compare to others, it becomes increasingly difficult, as one's own stagnation becomes so much more obvious.
    Personally I have a feeling of unfilled potential. And that brings guilt. Guilt leads to shame. And fear. A subconscious fear of trying.
    If try, I mean really try and still fail, I won't even have the illusion of potential to hold on to anymore. Does that make sense?

    I think these are the kind of insidious mechanisms of self-defence which keeps a lot of people in status-quo.

    I have started to let go of them slowly. I highly recommend the Headspace app for meditation. And running.
    I have started to let go of the past and given up on regretting, daydreaming about where I would have ended up if I hadnt dropped of Uni, if I had perservered more, if I had.....

    It is not important.

    I have cynical tendencies, and used to dismiss everything that had a scent of cliché about it.
    But they are clichés for a reason. They have been true forever, and been said and written so many times that they seem to lose meaning. Like saying a word out loud 20 times. It starts to sound weird to you. But it is still the same word, and it still possesses the original meaning. So does statements like "The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward."
    Reading quotes like this, I still cringe a bit. Out of old habit I guess. But it is so true.

    A year ago I hit rock bottom. That is when you think you can't possibly get lower. But all it takes a diamond-edged drill;)
    My sister helped pull me up. She wrote me a letter with all the things she loved about me. Everything that was great about me.
    Struggling to believe her words, I asked my best friend to do the same. That was hard. But reading the same things from different made me think that perhaps they were true. And I realized the truth that I had heard and read so many times, but always dismissed: Our habits define our behavior. They do not define who we are. There is value in our very existence.

    I am OK. Good even. Just my behaviour that is fucked up. There is a safety in this realization. It is the rope, which gives me the courage to take the leap. So gradually I have let go of this fear of failing. Combined with a system to change, this is incredibly powerful.

    Rather than regretting not realizing this at age 20, I am grateful for realizing it now and not when I am 50.

    You are 29, and as me you have your whole life ahead of you. That is amazing.
    I feel so positive again. Can't wait until tomorrow. Last night before sleeping, I smiled at the thought of waking up tomorrow. Been so many years since I felt like that. I am starting to look forward to doing things. I used to look forward to things being over.

    You wrote you need a partner in this journey. So do I. Would love to have someone to share specific goals, and progress, success and failure with. PM me if you want:)


    Day 7. Going great, and never looking back!
     
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  7. JakobSejr

    JakobSejr New Fapstronaut

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    Goldstein;

    Thanks for the recommendation!

    Already on my to read list for next week!
     
    goldstein likes this.
  8. JakobSejr

    JakobSejr New Fapstronaut

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    In my first post I wrote about how I am using the principles I learned in Allan Carrs book "The easy way to quit smoking", in regards to avoiding PMO.

    For these 7 days I have felt that the process have been very similar.
    Hardest the first few days, then easier but with urges still coming once in a while.
    Personally I have found that as with nicotine cravings, the "PMO craving" fade away after 10-15 minutes, and even faster if I am able to do something else with my body, like going for a run, or just doing pushups till exhaustion.

    The other thing I have taken from the book which I find incredibly useful, is the sense of certainty about the decision.
    In the book he refuses to give explanations as to how you should feel after 10 days, 3 weeks or 3 months. That is why I don't want to be on a 30 day journey. For me this only prolongs the suffering. Feeling that I just need to the point of 30 days. Then what?
    It just prolongs the suffering and the enhances the sense of "having to live without". Like it is a punishment, or a trial.
    It is a liberation. A huge freedom. Just as it was to let go of smoking.
    That being said, if it works for other people to have goals like that, then that is of course great!
     
  9. Timochup

    Timochup Guest

    Hi Jakob,

    This is totally the feeling I'm having every morning. Now with the help of meditation and the refuse to P I'm waking up with high energy, like wondering: What can I do new today? And is freedom. Is really empowering because you can choose your actions.

    I also think we are blessed, because there are people who realized just seconds or days before die. However, I feel like it's never too late to start improving yourself, isn't it? So let's go!

    Talking about letting go, I'm following "theminimalits", they promote a way of living simple and meaningfully. I recommend it a lot also.

    And yes, when you see what was your life and how is changing now, there is no point on coming back. I suppose NoFap proposal for 90 days is only to encourage people to start.

    So here we go, pal! Day 5 for me, and I'm doing inventory of all my stuff. It will take a little XDDD
     
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