Rock Bottom - help

[Transcendent]

I need help. I'm in a deplorable situation, I feel terrible. In April, after several intrusive homosexual thoughts, I ended up watching gay P for the first time. While watching I felt terrible, I started to tremble and have palpitations, but even so I MO. While I did it, I heard a voice in my head saying that I should do that, because I always repressed my homosexuality and I should deal with the truth, even if it makes me feel bad. After MO, I felt awful, as if I had done the worst thing of my life.
From there I began to hate myself, to be (more) ashamed of who I am. After that, I could no longer control my sexual desire, I often relapse, watching heavier genres each day. Whenever I watch gay P I feel my heart racing and I tremble, I really feel bad physically and mentally. At the moment I do not know what I am. I just want to get out of this addiction. I never considered the possibility of being gay or bi, in fact this was always a problem for me, but in the situation I find myself now I just want to be good with myself.
I constantly hear voices in my head that want me to feel bad. I feel divided, as if my body were controlled by two minds, which do not always want the same thing. I live a constant war with myself, but I can not stand it anymore.

 

[Deleted Account]

I need help. I'm in a deplorable situation, I feel terrible. In April, after several intrusive homosexual thoughts, I ended up watching gay P for the first time. While watching I felt terrible, I started to tremble and have palpitations, but even so I MO. While I did it, I heard a voice in my head saying that I should do that, because I always repressed my homosexuality and I should deal with the truth, even if it makes me feel bad. After MO, I felt awful, as if I had done the worst thing of my life.
From there I began to hate myself, to be (more) ashamed of who I am. After that, I could no longer control my sexual desire, I often relapse, watching heavier genres each day. Whenever I watch gay P I feel my heart racing and I tremble, I really feel bad physically and mentally. At the moment I do not know what I am. I just want to get out of this addiction. I never considered the possibility of being gay or bi, in fact this was always a problem for me, but in the situation I find myself now I just want to be good with myself.
I constantly hear voices in my head that want me to feel bad. I feel divided, as if my body were controlled by two minds, which do not always want the same thing. I live a constant war with myself, but I can not stand it anymore.

I am so sorry to hear that you are having such a struggle. It sounds like you are dealing with two separate things. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being non-straight (whether you identify yourself as gay, bisexual, or anything else is no one's business but your own). You have to live your own truth, and learn to be comfortable with it.

However, the bigger problem going forward will be the porn and masturbation addiction. I believe that once you completely refrain from porn and masturbation, everything will become more clear (including your own sexuality). As long as you continue watching porn and masturbating, it will be very difficult for you to focus on your actual feelings and desires.

My advice is this--do not watch any porn and do not masturbate. Focus on yourself, your feelings, your desires, your goals. Find out your own truth and then pursue what you want out of life. If you realize that you are gay/bisexual/whatever, learn to be ok with that and lead a full life free from porn and masturbation. Remember, we are all here for you!

 

[Spontifex]

Hey, it‘s good you‘re here and what @NeverJOAgain says sounds very wise. The tough thing is to stop feeding the addiction. Get a clear reason for why you wanna quit. Focus on what you will gain from stopping.
Talking helps. You‘re in good company here, we all have a few things in common

 

[Transcendent]

I am so sorry to hear that you are having such a struggle. It sounds like you are dealing with two separate things. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being non-straight (whether you identify yourself as gay, bisexual, or anything else is no one's business but your own). You have to live your own truth, and learn to be comfortable with it.

However, the bigger problem going forward will be the porn and masturbation addiction. I believe that once you completely refrain from porn and masturbation, everything will become more clear (including your own sexuality). As long as you continue watching porn and masturbating, it will be very difficult for you to focus on your actual feelings and desires.

My advice is this--do not watch any porn and do not masturbate. Focus on yourself, your feelings, your desires, your goals. Find out your own truth and then pursue what you want out of life. If you realize that you are gay/bisexual/whatever, learn to be ok with that and lead a full life free from porn and masturbation. Remember, we are all here for you!

Thanks for the advices. I'm focused on quitting PMOing, but I'm afraid that's not enough.

 

[uiop2]

I need help. I'm in a deplorable situation, I feel terrible. In April, after several intrusive homosexual thoughts, I ended up watching gay P for the first time. While watching I felt terrible, I started to tremble and have palpitations, but even so I MO. While I did it, I heard a voice in my head saying that I should do that, because I always repressed my homosexuality and I should deal with the truth, even if it makes me feel bad. After MO, I felt awful, as if I had done the worst thing of my life.
From there I began to hate myself, to be (more) ashamed of who I am. After that, I could no longer control my sexual desire, I often relapse, watching heavier genres each day. Whenever I watch gay P I feel my heart racing and I tremble, I really feel bad physically and mentally. At the moment I do not know what I am. I just want to get out of this addiction. I never considered the possibility of being gay or bi, in fact this was always a problem for me, but in the situation I find myself now I just want to be good with myself.
I constantly hear voices in my head that want me to feel bad. I feel divided, as if my body were controlled by two minds, which do not always want the same thing. I live a constant war with myself, but I can not stand it anymore.

OCD. I also feel like that all the time. I mean, i am rational. I try to be rational but there's like another mind yeah you said it well which all it does is making me doubt about everything, feel guilty, scaring me when apparently there's nothing to be scared about and in general making fun of me putting all the time the "what if..." which is followed by lots of anxiety ahead of everything i do.
I've been learning lately that we have 2 different brains (well not literally), the one we know and the "primitive brain".
Basically all these answers that we get from our OCD, impulses... come from the second one. It is responsible of our survival so if we rationally choose not to do something it tells us to do or believe (for example it tells you that you're hiding your homosexuality but you know deep down that's not true or you wouldn't be scared of it so you rationally refuse to think about it) it's like our body enters in alarm mode with lots of anxiety, depression in response of your negation because it thinks we're going to die lol because of it. But the primitive brain itself is irrational plus we got ocd which is caused by a serotonine dysfunction which makes it all even worst, making us doubting about everything. We lack serotonine which is the pleasure hormone so if we don't compulse mentally or phisically our body looks at it as a negation and react that way. It just reacts that way due to the negation, not the subject of the negation. So it's not really about your alleged homosexuality or whatnot, it is just about negation. You're not giving your mind certainty but it's pointless since it will be asking about it a second later and again and again... since the primitive brain is irrational, you can try to reassure it but it's pointless. It's like trying with an animal
Those are just impulses to reassure your survival, they wanna make sure you aren't life-threatening. That nothing is putting it in danger. They're not true. But that won't stop them so just keep in mind that you aren't what they say and go ahead.
I've been learning this lately, hope it helps.

 

[Transcendent]

Hey, it‘s good you‘re here and what @NeverJOAgain says sounds very wise. The tough thing is to stop feeding the addiction. Get a clear reason for why you wanna quit. Focus on what you will gain from stopping.
Talking helps. You‘re in good company here, we all have a few things in common

Thanks man, I really appreciate your advices. I hope one day this fight in my mind will end.

 

[Transcendent]

which all it does is making me doubt about everything, feel guilty, scaring me when apparently there's nothing to be scared about and in general making fun of me putting all the time the "what if..." which is followed by lots of anxiety ahead of everything i do.

Yes, that's exactly it. For example, last weekend I went to a party that I really enjoyed with my friends. The next day I was very happy, because it had been a long time since I was going to a party like that. But it seems that my mind does not give me the right to feel good. Suddenly, something in my mind started to make me think that I was a joke at the party, that everyone was laughing at me, that everyone was despising me, that I am seen as a freak by all there (including my friends). I do not want things to be like this, I think most people would be happy to have fun, but with me it's different, I start to look for defects in everything I do (the way I dance, walk, talk, dress, etc) so that I feel bad.

 

[Spontifex]

Thanks for the advices. I'm focused on quitting PMOing, but I'm afraid that's not enough.

Yes, quitting PMO is a necessity for you to thrive. Why do you want to quit? How do you wanna feel yourself a year from now? What do you want to be able to call yourself? A wanker? Guess not. A strong, wholehearted, cheerful man with a high sense of self-worth? Hm ... yeah, sounds nice. Ask yourself some empowering questions, find your why then always keep that in mind, alive, vibrating, focus on where you wanna go. Helpful?

 

[Spontifex]

Yes, that's exactly it. For example, last weekend I went to a party that I really enjoyed with my friends. The next day I was very happy, because it had been a long time since I was going to a party like that. But it seems that my mind does not give me the right to feel good. Suddenly, something in my mind started to make me think that I was a joke at the party, that everyone was laughing at me, that everyone was despising me, that I am seen as a freak by all there (including my friends). I do not want things to be like this, I think most people would be happy to have fun, but with me it's different, I start to look for defects in everything I do (the way I dance, walk, talk, dress, etc) so that I feel bad.

I realized the way I saw myself I believed others see me that way too.

 

[uiop2]

Yes, that's exactly it. For example, last weekend I went to a party that I really enjoyed with my friends. The next day I was very happy, because it had been a long time since I was going to a party like that. But it seems that my mind does not give me the right to feel good. Suddenly, something in my mind started to make me think that I was a joke at the party, that everyone was laughing at me, that everyone was despising me, that I am seen as a freak by all there (including my friends). I do not want things to be like this, I think most people would be happy to have fun, but with me it's different, I start to look for defects in everything I do (the way I dance, walk, talk, dress, etc) so that I feel bad.

I deal with it all the time too! I always feel inadequate around other people. Like some days ago i was feeling good for some reasons and then i stumbled upon some good-looking guys having fun together with some girls. I started to feel bad like i'm ugly and stupid (which is not true), that i should be having fun instead of spending all this time on my own (i actually like being alone to some extent, what i don't like is that i procrastinate way too much to stay at my pc) and that i'm wasting my life...
I feel you.

 

[Spontifex]

I deal with it all the time too! I always feel inadequate around other people. Like some days ago i was feeling good for some reasons and then i stumbled upon some good-looking guys having fun together with some girls. I started to feel bad like i'm ugly and stupid (which is not true), that i should be having fun instead of spending all this time on my own (i actually like being alone to some extent, what i don't like is that i procrastinate way too much to stay at my pc) and that i'm wasting my life...
I feel you.

Conman, a joke, not real, fake, I heard myself talking and a voice in my head was constantly making fun of it, I believed all others have a fulfilled, interesting, life whereas me I was surviving, struggling unworthy of existing. That was me. Yeah, felt like a dump.

 

[uiop2]

Btw rebooting definitely helps, i achieved different streaks over the years and it makes you feel more confident, it gives you a clear mind which is really good cause you start to recognize the real thoughts from the fake ones, you don't care that much anymore about what people may or may not think about you... it raises your ego at a certain point.
But it takes time. You start being less impulsive and reflect on things cause your anxiety decreases and instead of sitting in front of your pc to pmo you find it natural to go outside and have a run, eat healthier, reach some of your goals seriously... like for me it was like something that came from within, i no more had to reflect on that. It used to come natural.
You find a balance again in your mind without fu**ing up with your serotonine all the time, cause we already lack it so it means that if we keep playing with it all the time the bad way on the long term you start feeling more paranoid...

 

[uiop2]

Conman, a joke, not real, fake, I heard myself talking and a voice in my head was constantly making fun of it, I believed all others have a fulfilled, interesting, life whereas me I was surviving, struggling unworthy of existing. That was me. Yeah, felt like a dump.

It's hard but we have to understand that even if this world offers thousand of possibilities just a few things are necessary for our good living.
I mean ok i could be having fun with some girls that day instead of just walking by myself but i was feeling good so who cares! That's all it matters.
I know there are people out there who are climbing rocks, people who are making lots of money out of their business, people who can create softwares without no one telling them how to do but if we keep comparing our life to someone else's life we won't go any further with it.
We just have to take a list of the few things that make us happy and work on them. We can't have everything. I'm not saying that we don't have to dream high but let's not let all of these distractions interfere with our goals.

 

[Transcendent]

Thanks for the answers, guys. It is so refreshing to know that I do not suffer from this alone. At the moment I am unable to seek a treatment with a professional, due to time and money. But in the future I would like to give it a try. You guys are helping me a lot by sharing your own experiences with me.

Btw rebooting definitely helps, i achieved different streaks over the years and it makes you feel more confident, it gives you a clear mind which is really good cause you start to recognize the real thoughts from the fake ones, you don't care that much anymore about what people may or may not think about you... it raises your ego at a certain point.
But it takes time. You start being less impulsive and reflect on things cause your anxiety decreases and instead of sitting in front of your pc to pmo you find it natural to go outside and have a run, eat healthier, reach some of your goals seriously... like for me it was like something that came from within, i no more had to reflect on that. It used to come natural.
You find a balance again in your mind without fu**ing up with your serotonine all the time, cause we already lack it so it means that if we keep playing with it all the time the bad way on the long term you start feeling more paranoid...

Yes, it helps. I stayed 157 days on hardmode + change of habits (cold showers, health food, sleeping and waking up early, exercises) and it was a great time. But unfortunately I started getting very anxious due to college tests, and that's when things started going downhill. I relapsed, started to eat junk food and I stopped exercising. To see all that I had conquered going downhill is bad, and it makes me feel very bad.

 

[Transcendent]

It's hard but we have to understand that even if this world offers thousand of possibilities just a few things are necessary for our good living.
I mean ok i could be having fun with some girls that day instead of just walking by myself but i was feeling good so who cares! That's all it matters.
I know there are people out there who are climbing rocks, people who are making lots of money out of their business, people who can create softwares without no one telling them how to do but if we keep comparing our life to someone else's life we won't go any further with it.
We just have to take a list of the few things that make us happy and work on them. We can't have everything. I'm not saying that we don't have to dream high but let's not let all of these distractions interfere with our goals.

You're right. One big problem I have is to want to compare myself to others. I've been trying to change that, trying to be happy with what I have. Unfortunately this is something that takes time to build, and we must have patience with ourselves.

 

[uiop2]

Thanks for the answers, guys. It is so refreshing to know that I do not suffer from this alone. At the moment I am unable to seek a treatment with a professional, due to time and money. But in the future I would like to give it a try. You guys are helping me a lot by sharing your own experiences with me.


Yes, it helps. I stayed 157 days on hardmode + change of habits (cold showers, health food, sleeping and waking up early, exercises) and it was a great time. But unfortunately I started getting very anxious due to college tests, and that's when things started going downhill. I relapsed, started to eat junk food and I stopped exercising. To see all that I had conquered going downhill is bad, and it makes me feel very bad.

That's something i notice on myself too. Once i relapse and get back to the cycle i forget about eating well, exercising, spending more time outside... like if it all comes together. You fail in one aspect so it's ok to fail in the others too...
For me it's that i cannot stand imperfection on myself so if i feel like i did something wrong i start feeling bad and it's hard to go back on track.
Anyway glad i helped you, life is harder when you're an insecure but it also makes us smarter since we overthink every situation, analyze every detail even if it's not necessary and even if we don't look at it as something good it is gonna help us in the long run

 

[uiop2]

And good job on your 157 days streak, you managed it for more than 5 months! My longest one was of 117 days the last summer, when i relapsed i felt like i didn't lose all of my progresses but then for one reason or another i kept relapsing and that's what i need to undertand, that relapsing can happen but binging makes it all worst!

 

[Rebooter45674]

I need help. I'm in a deplorable situation, I feel terrible. In April, after several intrusive homosexual thoughts, I ended up watching gay P for the first time. While watching I felt terrible, I started to tremble and have palpitations, but even so I MO. While I did it, I heard a voice in my head saying that I should do that, because I always repressed my homosexuality and I should deal with the truth, even if it makes me feel bad. After MO, I felt awful, as if I had done the worst thing of my life.
From there I began to hate myself, to be (more) ashamed of who I am. After that, I could no longer control my sexual desire, I often relapse, watching heavier genres each day. Whenever I watch gay P I feel my heart racing and I tremble, I really feel bad physically and mentally. At the moment I do not know what I am. I just want to get out of this addiction. I never considered the possibility of being gay or bi, in fact this was always a problem for me, but in the situation I find myself now I just want to be good with myself.
I constantly hear voices in my head that want me to feel bad. I feel divided, as if my body were controlled by two minds, which do not always want the same thing. I live a constant war with myself, but I can not stand it anymore.

Were you having feelings for same sex before watching porn?
What kind of porn u used to watch before gay porn?
Are you into sissy hypno porn?

 

[Transcendent]

Were you having feelings for same sex before watching porn?

No. But I started watching porn when I was 10 or younger. Actually I never had "feelings" for men. I always found some men atractive but for me is impossible to imagine being in a relationship with another guy.

What kind of porn u used to watch before gay porn?

Straight porn, which has gradually evolved into genres involving domination-submission, humiliation, forced sex, etc.

Are you into sissy hypno porn?

Actually I don't know exactly what does sissy hypno porn means, but I think I'm not into it.

 

[Transcendent]

I'd like to add some other things. As a child, around 7 or 8 years old, some people called me effeminate. I was always a very shy child with few friends, and I was raised without any father figure (only by my mother and my grandmother). I once remember my mother asking me to stop gesturing while I was talking; and once, on vacation (the only time of the year I saw my father) of my father saying that "he does not have a gay son" because I asked for a Christmas teddy bear (I should have been about 8 at the time). During elementary school I was called "fagot, gay, queer" sometimes, and that was (and still is) the worst thing for me. Whenever they called me that, I began to sweat, to have palpitations, to tremble, and even to have difficulty in reasoning right. But what happens is that I never had feelings for any boy. For two times even two of my teachers said something about me being gay in front of the whole class, and once I heard my stepmother talking something like that to my mother. From hearing that, I finally doubted myself, and started a real war inside my mind. It's literally a war, my mind telling me the whole time I'm walking, talking, dressing or acting effeminate. There is always a voice in my head telling me that I am gay and should accept it. This has lasted for over 10 years, and I can not take it anymore. As I said, at the moment I really do not know what I am, I just wanted to not have to fight myself at all times.