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Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Trigirl78, Feb 10, 2019.
Thank you everyone for your support & direction today I really appreciate it.
We had a really good conversation about all of this yesterday. I’m more satisfied with his chosen path, but I still take on board all of your comments, experience & recommendations.
He’s right, it is his path. But as his AP it’s my duty to set him straight when I think he is in danger of falling off course, but I know his ultimate goal will only be achieved if he does it and wants to achieve it.
We talked about the Insta, he accepts and admits this was a foolish and hurtful move right now.
He wants me to consider therapy for my betrayal and low self esteem, I am not ready yet, but I have promised to not continue to punish him with past actions provided he doesn’t do silly shit like try to re activate stuff that has caused the damage without a discussion.
He did sack the therapist, as he feels he has learnt enough from her about his past and his motivation to view P and numb his pain points. He believes he has enough insight about himself to start to build new pathways to the life he now knows he wants to lead.
He wants to be ‘normal’ and by that he means be able to function highly and have a fulfilling life. He wants to use his time & focus and attention that he has gained back from P to build a healthier life. A life as a new parent to my kids, a life where he isn’t the grumpy co-worker he was (because that meant people left him alone), life where he can truly bond with friends and open up and a life with me where we can grow together and enjoy our time. He feels that directing his attention to the gym, and all of the other stuff I have mentioned to build his confidence and ability to cope and thrive in real life will keep him away from the temptation to return to P.
With all that said, I am immensely proud of his personal growth, But understand with this addiction, he will need to ensure he keeps healthy habits and safeguard himself whilst he is working his recovery. I need to let him run this, but to do that he needs to install confidence in me that he’s got this and that any advice and info I offer as his AP he is willing to consider it and have an adult discussion about his thoughts on it, his will help me know he wants to change and is willing to consider all advice to assist him and give him the best possible chance.
There maybe slips, but safeguarding yourself to give yourself the best chance minimises the possibility.
I gave him the chance to explain some of the burning internal battles I have over stuff that I use to whack him with, my job now is to stop the whacking.......and let him prove himself.
No Insta and talk of M after 30 days I don’t believe I would of freaked out and jumped into control freak mode again. Hey ho.
I hope you are all having a great Friday. I have managed to purchase Rugby 6 Nation tickets for tomorrow so just us and some beer and fun.....................very much needed xxxx
I know it’s not ideal but we didn’t have many other options and seeing as I love to micro manage and research the crap out of stuff, we figured this was the only way. He does share stuff with his BFF and has done with his therapist, but with me he means I get the CE report, and he has to stick to my boundaries or report in if not
Agreed, but I think his thought process is he wants to make sure i receive the right support so that I can move on if in fact he manages to. But I take on board your comments.
He’s quit working with her for time being, he didn’t feel the sessions were adding anymore value after the initial 8 sessions, he’s ready to use his learning and apply but they’ve agreed to work together if needed in future. He doesn’t nag to go and just get validated.
6 Nations Tournament (England, Ireland, Scotland, Wales, France, Italy). I couldn’t get on board with US football I did go to a few KC Chiefs games as I used to live in Kansas, but baseball was amazing!!!!
Bingo! Don't put up with this.
So... an eventful weekend with lots of fun times spent together at the gym, rugby and dinner with friends.
You can see why the boundaries are so important as when you Become comfortable with their progress, you can easily lose sight of the battle that has gone before and what can lay ahead and almost start to kid yourself it’s not really ‘a thing’.
I hate to put such definitive measures but it was his addiction and actions that led me to it.
Today was a great reminder. He wants to get Sky installed. As he moved into my home last Sept and Sky Tv will allow him to watch his sports. In a normal situation the only consideration would be cost, but for us I have said we are ‘on hold’ for future planning and commitment until he can get a better grip and I feel more secure in the thought of a future P free together.
Now I feel terrible as he wants the cable Tv but potentially he cannot based on my boundaries......
It’s such a conflict as I don’t want him to miss out, or be restricted but at the same time this goes against my wishes. He said well I don’t think it’s fair, it’s your wishes not mine.
The same applies for considering purchasing a new vehicle for him and a kitchen for the home. Nothing can move forward until more time has passed and he has a better idea of it all.
I told him about the Instagram thread I wrote to gain advice and he still thinks that isn’t the approach he would use....eg gaining advice from too many sources. I said to him, he needs to think about whether he has truly accepted how controlled his mind is by his addiction and that he needs to consider surrendering whilst he regains control of his brain from being hijacked from P. I said your thoughts may not be your actual thoughts or opinions as if maybe your addiction trying to rationalise everything and normalise it so you can still get a fix, you don’t know until you surrender and start to really see how you feel and react to situations. All of which takes time & full commitment to cold turkey (which he is right now).
This weekend I did unlock his Fb app on his phone as we were at the Rugby and wanted to check-in and post some photos , I haven’t deliberately gone in and re locked it. I was hoping he may come and ask me to but for now I’m leaving it to see how he reacts. He can access FB now via laptop in the home but that keeps it more controlled on how much he spends browsing....we shall see. I would like to hope he will ask me to re lock it but I doubt that he will.
We’ve had such a lovely time together, he really is a wonderful partner I want to grow old with.....again I just hope this ends up the case.
Hump day! No drama today. He’s been busy at work and so have I. On my commute as usual I listened to more insightful information and advice about handling this addiction as a spouse, he talked a bit about fantasy etc so was good to hear from addicts perspective. I will add the link to video and it was just about an hour in when it starts to really get interesting and informative.
Sky IS getting installed after some hefty discussions but on a side note I will be putting a pin on it to protect us as much as I can.
He did have some badoo advertising come up on his F1 app which surprised him, he showed it to me as was concerned it may come up on CE screen accountability. I said just figure out if you can prevent ads if the app is important to you, so he paid £4.50 for the privilege.
I really feel like we are finding a groove, I really want to make sure I start to build some trust back in, I just need to learn to let go, I am starting to as I don’t check his phone or even the detailed log on CE app as I don’t have energy or inclination right now. I’ve managed to do well at abstaining from reading his new journal as I made a promise to him.
Anyway that’s all I have for tonight just hoping this streak continues and grows stronger.
Have a great rest of your day xx
Spring is in the air. The time for the weather to change and bring in sunshine and hope!
Today has been a good day. My SO is apparently 45 days into no PM and 135 from D-Day.
I cannot believe how amazing it feels to feel the love flooding back into our life. For a while from D-Day until the start of this streak I was in such a dark place with very little light poking through.
I’m still working on myself and maintaining good food habits and lots of gym classes as well as some family activities when we can. I’ve been able to abstain from looking at his latest journal, which for me has been my growth. The desire to check his phone is minimal to non existent and I barely never log in to check CE report. I do lightly monitor the laptop but again that’s sporadic. It’s because I want to give him some space to test himself, plus I hate being the one to make the discovery as it makes me feel crappy plus I want to believe he’s doing good. Time will tell....so not being fooled just starting to feel ever so (I’m sure you will kick me for saying it so early) but hopeful! I also promised to not continue to hit him with the naughty stick (figure of speech) so I’ve been working on not bringing back old discussions that add no relevance to it all now and has been put to bed.
I do wonder how he would cope going totally PMO free but we decided it wasn’t ideal for any of us so right now we won’t know for sure.
I hope everyone on here is having a enjoyable PM free Sunday too.
Hi! Looks like things are going well for you my friend That's so great and your message sounds so positive.
I've stopped looking on my SO devices for now too- I pray it will be him coming to me if there's any questionable activity.
I could definitely benefit from taking a page out of your book, and stop bringing up things from the past. Its mental torture - aswell as feeling like im constantly on his back when im feeling grumpy about it all. I had to bite my tongue today when he asked me what was wrong after a long silent car ride. Porn, lies, all the layers of our relationship, his relationship with other women were going around in circles in my mind.
I wanted to say " Was my body a disappointment to you?" Or " Am I really the person you want to be here with".
However I kept my cool and said "not much".
I think we have discussed everything that needs to be discussed for the time being- so I should just make peace with it and put it to bed also. Easier said than done! But its of no relevance anymore for us to, unless new information comes to the table.
Its not fun being the sad, whiney, emotionally unstable mess I've been over the last month. The days that I can put it all aside are like bliss. I need to think of some kind of way to curve my emotions when they start to spin down that dark path next time.
Enjoy your week! Xxx
We are so alike!!!! Every time I read your messages or respomawa I think to myself...that’s me!!!!
I read a book called ‘The Chimp Paradox’ and in there at the back it refers to action plans and wacking stick! I will try and dig out the extracts for you. Like I say it’s work in progress.
I’m a little uneasy today as Sky Cable Tv has just been installed! I’ve taken off adult channels and set pin but he loves GoT and plans to watch the next series etc so plenty there to tempt as always if he goes looking for it!
I want to be ok if he slips but he’s doing so well I worry how I will cope or whether he will even feel like he can fess up. He seems so bloody confident right now I just pray it’s not arrogance!!!!!!
1st of April...how did that happen? It feels like only yesterday when I think of the pain and drama over Xmas but here we are 53 days into his streak...or so I hope!
His next focus is 60 days PM free. I’ve started to let my mind wander with future plans of cars, kitchens, weddings etc but I must not get carried away. There are still little niggles or reminders that this war with P&M is not over yet!
Today my self esteem has been very low. Mother’s Day was quite hard yesterday (all significant days like this are since my DH passed) but my SO made it as lovely as he could as always his love is unwavering! I’m still plagued with ‘shall I get a boob job?’ Or ‘why did he choose to act out with his ex’s videos and pictures?’ How do I get closure to myself on this? He has answered me with ‘it’s not personal it was just what was available’ and I said I would accept his answer (thus not to keep bringing it up and hitting him with it) and I asked ‘does he have emotional attachment to it all’ he said ‘no’. I mean it was like 8 years ago. It’s not like he could really ever admit and say YES so my question was pointless. She is happily married with a baby now and no threat to me. I think I find it hard as she is 10 years younger than me, blonde and with BIG boobs! Why do I feel so insecure to this? The other bit that really rattles me inside is he resent their sex video to himself back in 2016 when he was dating another girl (long distance love)....why would he do that when he has endless and uncontrolled amounts of P at his disposal???? Does he really miss her and yurn for her?
I hate myself for feeling this way as I know I’m a good catch, I’m successful, friendly and adventurous. I really need to find inner peace with this issue I can’t get away from. to help perk myself up I did a double gym class and it did help a little.
We have booked another vacay for Feb-2020 so that is looking forward and planning some what, but although I said we were ‘on hold’ it was with the exclusion of holidays.
He said he has been keeping up his journal so that’s good. He said there isn’t much to write as not many if any urges. I said maybe it’s a good time to focus on strategy and preparation for when tough times may strike...like long work trips he has Oct for 28 days and Dec for 28 days.
Ok so this all sounds so negative. I’m sure it’s just me healing and processing. It really is all driving in a positive direction and I’m so so proud of how far he has come.
I hope you all have a great day xx
Another absolutely 100% relatable read.
I feel for you, and I completely understand your thought process here.
I have days too where I question everything down to a fine tooth, go over all the evidence, question his love for me, loyalty, manliness, his honesty, his moral fibre- etc etc etc. To the point that I'm chain-smoking and rocking back and forward on my outdoor chair wondering what TF I'm doing with my life.
I have good days where Im so grateful I'm in the know of his problems. I'm amazed with his progress. Pleased he's willing to get help for our relationship and can brush it off as ' a somewhat healthy interest in other women'. Like its completely unrealistic for me to be all woman for him.
And for me personally- the difference between those days is how Im feeling about myself. Our self esteem has taken a huge blow ( or several in my case). And I'm beginning to accept that's my problem. I'm starting to learn what makes me feel good about myself- eating well, dressing up, exercise , even something as stupid as posting a cute selfie on my IG story.
The boob job thing for me is definitely going to help me aswell. However I'm worried in your case it could be the wrong reasons. ( Maybe mine too but I'm committed to the operation now!).
Our men need to support us in feeling hot and like the sexual godesses we are.
Thats a very similar answer to what I got aswell. Its so so hard to seperate feelings from their actions. We really need to trust them on this one, what else can we do!?
But far easier said than done.
I know I would have FAR preferred he watched regular porn than masturbated over people we know.
I could drive myself fruit loopy questioning whether its feelings, or lust or simply just a tool to get his fix.
In regards to resending the video in 2016- Do you ever wonder if we know too much? Which makes our emotions go into a complete spin?
In all honesty, if someone went through my online behaviours- there are just some things that just can't be explained.
If I had a sex tape floating around, there is a good chance I'd be curious to see it at some later point. Not necessarily sexually, just 'cause'!
I'm sure this could be the case in your scenario.
I'm confident in the way you speak about your relationship that your SO, that he is committed to your relationship.
You sound so reasonable, understanding and fair with everything that has happened- there's no shit show in hell he would be yurning for an ex. Ex's are ex's for a reason
Your posts are so so similar to my worries and thoughts - but they are definitely a good sign of our healing and I'm so pleased to have stumbled across your posts
Thank you Lucy for your insights and thoughts it means so much as like you I feel your explanation and thoughts are so relatable to me and how I feel.
And you are 100% right about knowing too much. Only I’m the one harmed by my actions of knowing too much about his past. And it is a past, like you rightly pointed out I will have one too and not once as he delved into mine or gone snooping. There’s plenty about my past I wouldn’t want to explain away I’m sure. He even jokes I know more about him than he does!!
I am definitely working on myself, enjoying the health benefits of eating better and exercising and together too as often as we can. It’s helping me invest in me. It’s the only thing that is keeping me from
Self destructing at times.
I’m delighted to hear your side things are progressing lovely too. So so happy about that.
I wish I could stop Tormenting myself....as it’s just making me miserable.
I like to read some of his lovely messages he’s sent over the past couple of years to remind me what a stand up guy he is as I find that helps me gain perspective back when in doubt.
It’s like labour pains of relapse are gone whilst he’s on the right path but dealing with aftermath of a post pregnant body yucky feeling ...lol that’s my analogy of it.
I’ve just read an article of a lady who had her boobs extracted because they were poisoning her, just make sure you are totally happy with possible complications and if so keep mindful if you don’t feel right in the future it maybe your new boobs! It’s called BII. Breast implant illness. Absolutely not trying to worry you as I have tons of friends with them and are all perfectly fine, just always good to know all you can in the event of concern.
Keep me posted.
Well day 59...or if maybe 60 in his counter of allegedly PM FREE!!!
Today we’ve been for an amazing bike ride together it was fun and fast and quite tough at spots. I love doing things with him. We make such a great partnership and really compliment each other’s styles and likes. We also took my son to a gymnastics comp along with other chores this weekend. So all in all a busy productive time.
I have been pulled on by him a couple Of times for using the ‘abuse stick’ to whack him with, just subtle stuff but enough to make my new insecurities known at times. I did say to myself I’m working on this and overall I’m doing much better all the while he appears to be making good progress. I find myself not feeling entitled now to check his phone, so that’s quite nice. It’s like I know I can, but he now deserves some time and space to be moderately trusted. So I glance at it from afar across the kitchen but with no intention to snoop. I’m proud of myself for this but also relieved to not be stressing over it every day and agonising over what I may find.
I know this inner peace won’t last long but I secretly hope his streak just continues to go from strength to strength and doesn’t look back. I want to be enough for him to break this addiction. I want my desire and willingness to be all he knows he needs to comfort him and satisfy him.
I am terrified of the thought of him relapsing or slipping now he’s done so well. I’m sure if he lies and gets found out again this will be so so hard for me to recover from after everything. I just want him to stay vulnerable and honest and trust me and others to guide him through when times get tough down the line.
Im happy to see things are going well!
Sounds so nice to be getting outdoors & with summer coming you'll be doing much more of that.
Winters arriving for us in NZ unfortunately, and looking back over my summer it kind of just makes me sad really. Everything turned to custard for us this summer, and any fun activities just remind me of what else was going on. I don't think it will be one that I will cherish in years to come.
Sounds like you are doing your very best to stay positive!
I wish I could too! I have a cold which is making everything worse. I couldn't feel less desirable. Its been a rough few days and the self torture is becoming unbearable. Nothing new has come up, just the usual rotation if dark thoughts.
Intensified by my inability to sleep well and operate at 100%.
Yes , I have read a few things that sre concerning. I too have lots of friends with them and no issues tho. My surgeon assures me they are safe ( ofcourse he does!!). Im still comfortable to go ahead with it all however.
So I had a really good catch up with a friend of mine who is in AA recovery. She has given me better advice than anyone, as she attends countless addiction support groups and has been enjoying sobriety for years.
She told me to ask my SO- " If after the initial discovery/confession of your addiction, I told you that I was comfortable with you to continue to PM- would you still have continued to do so? "
Their answer helps to establish whether or not they are genuinely quitting porn for themselves and a better life- or just to please you.
If they say yes, knowing how much it effected their sexual behaviours and many other things, and still wished to continue with our approval- this suggests they aren't completely committed to helping themselves.
They need to want this with or without us.
I am always getting caught up on the fact of "I should have been enough for him to stop," and its perfectly understandable for us to feel that way. But its too much to carry on our shoulders.
Have you continued to stay off his devices? Thats a tough one.
My insecurities have been getting me down this past week and I feel as though we are forever surrounded by prettier, younger and more emotionally stable women. I can't help but feel like he'd be better off to start from scratch with someone who doesn't know the details of his shady behaviour.
There have been definite moments of just wanting to throw the towel in and say 'fuck it I'm done'. I think they are just fantasies though. Quite ironic to use that word given what got us to this point.
But here I am. Sniffly nose, tickly throat and all.
Have a fantastic week
Sorry I appear to have boycotted your journal with my bad week.
Welcomed as always to hear your point of view Lucy as it keeps me honest & grounded and also nice positive spin too. Our winter was mellow but my 40th, Xmas & NYE were all terribly crappy due to this addiction in full swing at the time! So I look back on it with much sadness and regret for sure like you sound like you do. Im hoping by the time we get to his 40th, which is close to xmas we will be In a much diff place, however he does have lot of work trips planned between now and then and up to 28 days in one hit!!! So who the heck knows.
That's exactly how I describe myself acting its that nothing new but self torture can be overwhelming and depressing to face.
Loved this advice and shared with him and I said at the beginning I would of said you are doing it for me, now....is it different? Is it for you? He answered yes this journey is for him, not overly convincing but I don't want to read into it too much as he's just arrived back from study and had brain frazzle..
Mostly yes! I am abstaining from checking his phone as that would mean I could see his Whatsapps and I don't want to have that back again as he does deserve some privacy. It makes me feel bad when I check and terrible when I discover. I am not avoiding, just giving him some time. I can still access the house laptop now where we share a profile.....and emails etc.
This totally resonates with me 'forever surrounded by prettier, younger and more emotionally stable women' ….I have found going to the gym together helps face some of my fears as its all out there for anyone to admire if they wanted to. Its uncomfortable as I feel inferior to lots of them and worry he's wishing he was with them, but its normalising this for us so I can be comfortable over time.
NEVER apologise for chiming in on my thread, I grow from it and welcome your input.
I did mention to him 'My counter says you've reached Day 60 of no PM today, what does yours say?' 'He replied has it? Oh ok'. I know he's never been massively hung up on the counting and maybe because day to day he is coping well he doesn't fixate on days....but I would like him to be a little bit more animated about it I guess. I know his brain is fried as he is busy working on passing his final aviation exam tomorrow.
On days like now when its under control, I feel like an overreacting crazy lady, but it was only 60 days ago he was choosing something/some virtual one or himself over ME!!! At the end of the day, I DO NOT want a man who chooses a fake stimuli to me. We haven't talked about M again yet, not sure what his next goal is now.....I do find hes not that easy to bring it all up with as we aren't discussing daily now. I know he journals on here as he does it before bed, but our discussions are less frequent and almost a little unwelcomed at times.....but again trying not to read into it, just keeping calm and carrying on like this for now. I did see a Clairvoyant a while back and he said 'Carry on your life as normal, be coy and let him do all the work, don't do it all for him. Otherwise he will lose out and wonder why' so I guess that's where we are right now.
Anyway, Happy ish Monday. Ive been to Bootcamp & Abs Class so feeling good. I did tell him last night this weightless & fitness is down to him. Like a Divorce diet.....you get so anxious and stressed the weight drops or you make radical changes to help yourself. Whatever, its making me feel good about myself. So if he doesn't get a GRIP.....I will be in my best form for a long while physically. BUT lets hope it doesn't come to that as hes the one I want now and forever!!!! xxxxxx
Its 8:40pm here and I'm not long back from the gym and home alone as SO working night shift and kiddos sleeping out. Today has been a mixture of emotions some major highs and some mild lows.....My SO found out this morning he passed his final exam to receive his promotion. This is amazing news as he really as on his last lifeline to pass before being made to wait a year to retake and would of impacted his job.....so a MAJOR relief for us all and we can start to plan forward.
So that's him. Me on the other hand am struggling. I have been listening to motivational pods, working out, eating clean, booking fun activities to stay busy....but I am still struggling at times to relax and trust. I know I am typically a jealous person until I settle into it all and being older I am more aware and try to avoid putting any restrictions on their fun or adventures etc. But I am still struggling to not torture myself over his past behaviour with ex's or his initial act outs at the start of this recovery.
When I met him I thought he seemed such a genuine steady and safe guy. And I still think he is, I just have moments where I worry myself unnecessarily & it brings out my worst side. I don't want to be someone he fears to say or do anything in front of, but for some reason I feel like I am not ENOUGH. Like he will be wanting more or different. He has looked up my old school friend on FB a couple of times at her pictures......they become FB friends because she got us snooker tickets....now I am like....why is he looking? Is it because she has bigger boobs? Seems more fun? Prettier??? More successful?? I DONT recognise myself!!! I used to be so self confident. Its SO unreasonable of me to think these things....he is entitled to look at other girl's profiles, that is ridiculous of me. I didn't mention it, I just tortured myself with it.....all because I know more than I should as per usual. So much for trying hard with holding back on tech....still not looking at phone etc so mini win and laptop is open and available for us all to see....#justifymycrazy
Also tonight an email from a girl on his course (which he never mentioned there were girls)….came in after they got their results & kinda flirted with him about missing him now the course is done....he responded politely and she did too......now I saw it and text him at work 'Flirty!!' and he then quickly went into his email and read her response. He didn't respond to my text. I think she’s like 20 years old fgs what am I like???? I know he has nothing to hide and that's why he kept it in his email I'm sure. I guess I am just used to guys at work pinging me flirty messages all the time, but I bat them back with no flirt talk. I don't mention to him as I wouldn't want him to feel bad or worry. So I am sure its the same for him.
OK - So I am ranting and I probably lost perspective......He loves me, he is dedicated to me and the kids......he is human and is allowed to talk with other humans and female ones too!!! I would never expect him to stop.
I want to get back to feeling ENOUGH. How do I do this? I so badly want to heal from all this hurt. This feeling can be so overwhelming at times and like Kitty Lover mentioned makes you want to just run away from it all to avoid having to face it all.
My closing manta for today...………..TRUST MORE...…..BELIEVE IN MYSELF...…….AND ACCEPT WHAT I CANNOT CONTROL...….!!
Tomorrow's he is sleeping off Nightshift and this is usually his time to act out....hoping his 60+ No PM will not break.
Have a great day my friends & remember to smile xxxx