Rocks....losing, living under & throwing....My Journal

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Trigirl78, Feb 10, 2019.

  1. Trigirl78

    Trigirl78 Fapstronaut

    We’ve just come back from a mini break to my SO family town with the kiddos. He brought a road bike...after I suggested it would be a good distraction for him on days when he is off shift and home alone. So he’s happy today with his purchase.

    Weekend was non-eventful. The kids were ok but at times stressing me out as they do. He is the calm one with them and has more patience than I do these days so that was very helpful.

    Plenty of intimate fun times, although I did get a few triggers of past pain of remembering a time we visited and he kinda had to really concentrate to finish ...I joke and call it the ‘dont Move and I’m in a headlock position!!’ Lol but mostly I guess it was the produce of porn misuse and desensitisation. Anyway none of that this time.

    I still feel like at the moment our libidos are mis matched and the majority of the time he is trying to full fill my wants. I’m sure he would go much longer in between. I do miss so much the feeling of them desiring you and them instigating it.

    All ok all a great weekend. He’s 69 days P&M free apparently. So doing well.
    We don’t talk about it much these days so hoping he is still staying vigilant. His CE app did glitch on his phone and I helped put it right.

    Another trigger was him pointing out a picture of me with wavy hair and how he likes it..... not sure if it’s trigger or just insecurity as immediately I’m thinking of him looking at my friends pictures on FB who has wavy hair...,,I feel like such a loon.

    I was looking up a picture on my late husband’s FB to show him his road bike and came across an old profile picture that was cheerleaders...I said god that didn’t even register with me as an issue but if he did that now being a PA I would rip him a new a hole! Lol . Just goes to show how secure I was with my Late husband as he didn’t appear to sexualise anything and now I am a mental case.

    Fingers crossed we make it
    To 90 days not that I expect some revelation to occur. But still progress is progress.
  2. stands to reason

    stands to reason Fapstronaut

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  3. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

    Not at all. This is part of BT. Your brain is constantly "seeing" reminders of past pain and threats. I think it is trying to keep you safe. Your are NOT a loon. Quite the opposite.
    hope4healing and Trigirl78 like this.
  4. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

    Same here! My late husband had a healthy sexual appetite, but as far as I knew never sexualized anyone. He never ogled, never porned, etc. I trusted him completely because he never gave me any reason not to. When I married my current husband, I was so naive and completely thrown off by his addiction that by the time I realized what the problem really was, I thought I had lost my mind. Even now, after a year of twice per week therapy, I doubt I will ever be completely "right" again.
  5. Trigirl78

    Trigirl78 Fapstronaut

    I have started to consider counselling now, but I also don’t want to just indulge myself in my own misery as I’ve got so much I could go over about this and with my own grief I could be in counselling until I’m 50!

    I am having a lot more ‘normal’ days but far from healed. I feel I need constant validation.

    He’s brought so much good and positivity into my world I just can’t believe something like this has wrecked such havoc and doubt.

    For me the BT signs/triggers are:
    - memories of seeing videos and picture of him and his ex
    - seeing his Insta/eBay etc type searches and images
    - seeing his old chat/hook ups messages
    - that feeling of not quite being good enough (not blonde, now not wavy hair, not big boobed & not a decade younger)
    - over analysing our intimate time
    - loathing of social media
    - fear of any sex scenes in movies
    - fear of advertising
    - fear of him being unfaithful
    - fear of him sexualising/admiring any female in path or my friends
    - fear of slips or relapses and my ability to cope
    - fear or any open technology left around

    The list is endless :-(
    hope4healing and Susannah like this.
  6. Trigirl78

    Trigirl78 Fapstronaut

    This 4-day weekend has been sunny, relaxing but at the same time emotional.

    Part of the new life is getting used to my SO working shifts and away for long periods of time. So this weekend he has worked nights all through it, which sucks from a family hang out perspective. We’ve spent time when we could but not as much as would be nice if he worked a normal 9-5. Still I’ve been thankful for the times we have had.

    He’s been very involved in his new road bike, buying lots of bits and going out when he could. We did a ride together on Friday but I did struggle to keep up and kinda held him back so whilst it was good I did feel quite inadequate by the end. It’s like I take EVERYTHING personal now. It’s not just my appearance that’s not good enough, it’s my income, my personality, my sporting ability and anything else I want to beat myself up with. He doesn’t say or insinuate this, it’s all in my head from the trauma of this all.

    I love that he’s enjoying his new bike as i hope it will keep him entertained when I’m at work and he’s home bored instead of big breasted fake women!!!!

    I do wish for some injection of surprise from him...maybe a dinner, a gift or something like a mini break as I seem to be the one to organise it all. I find myself in snowhite syndrome and wondering why my friends all get this from their OHs but I don’t! I never have really from any of mine. He surprises me with love and organisation around the home etc but I want romance and gestures that show thought etc. I can see in the past he’s used to indulging himself mostly which is quite typical of my late husband too, but I want a man that wants me to work hard to organise things for me. Moan over.
    Sometimes I think I look for things to moan about. I just can’t seem to get myself in a happy place. I mean I am happy and content, but I am quite down too. My grief has really surfaced since all of this PA trauma. It’s just a massive mixed bag of crappy emotions. I should just be happy to be healthy and alive for goodness sake!!!
  7. Trigirl78

    Trigirl78 Fapstronaut

    So I’ve woken up with a totally more positive outlook.

    I spend too much time wallowing in my misery rather than being thankful and mindful of all the amazing stuff he’s done.

    As he arrived home this morning from a full night shift I remembered the day when he had done the same but that morning my daughter had a riding lesson and hers and my grief was lying heavy so we both were not feeling great. Because of this, he set his alarm for 1 hour of sleep and got up and met us at the stables to watch her ride. It was the most PERFECT thoughtful caring and generous thing he could of done!

    Today, I will be my best self. My best mum, my best me, my best partner to the last amazingly beautiful love of my LIFE xxx pukefest over its time to enjoy the last of this holiday weekend sunshine xxxxx

    Big love
  8. Kitty lover

    Kitty lover Fapstronaut

    Hi! Your number one fan here LOL

    Its funny you talk about the ''comparison' , and long for surprises etc.
    After everything horrible we went though- the point that I nearly left - I wanted to be swept off my feet!!

    I went through that wave of emotion a couple of weeks ago and it crippled me to the point that I had to sit down and tell my SO how I felt that way.

    I felt ripped off really. I had been put through hell and back, yet Rachel gets taken on a romantic weekend to Fiji. Or Erin gets a puppy. Or Jo gets an engagement ring!!!

    Tbh, nothing has changed since..but I did get some nice easter eggs. I think my partner gets the idea that I need to see him pick his game up.
    But at the end of the day, do we really need suprises for them to show their love and devotion to us?
    Have you read love languages?

    Its so hard not to compare ourselves to others, but we can't!!
    Everyone else has their own shit going on- and is there really anyone else on this planet you would want to be with?

    Im pleased you woke up the following day feeling positive. Its hard sometimes- and our trauma is going to make us doubt every last detail of our relationships at times.

    Have a great weekend xxxxx
  9. Trigirl78

    Trigirl78 Fapstronaut

    Time is surely flying by now hes gained some momentum with recovery, So much so I don't always think to blog. #day83 for SO of No P & M.....

    This week I brought up the discussion about reading provocative reading material that his therapist suggested....I felt like it really was like reading a version of PHub. I emailed him a thread about this I found on Reddit and asked him to think it over. He did think and actually brought the discussion up with me about it. After some talking he said he agreed and felt the book should be trashed. I really wanted to go into his drawer and remove it but I knew it needed to be him to do it and he did!!! This made me so proud of him.

    Sometimes this journey can feel like you are stripping them of everything they have known and loved.....but I'm hoping he sees way more benefit in a life without these crippling choices.

    I'm really proud of how he is starting to discuss or bring up stuff he knows I am mulling over. His usual style would be to ignore it and hope it goes away....but now he seems much more able and willing to surface issues as they arise or I indicate there is one.

    I'm loving the results of my active lifestyle and I think he is too, albeit he is getting a little intimidated by my muscles - he he.

    His libido appears to be picking up more, but I decided this week I would sit back and wait for him to make some moves....shake it up a bit.

    I watched an amazing documentary on Netflix from a TED Talk and I brought him the book...'Daring Greatly' by Brene Brown. It seems to talk a lot about issues that affect Intimacy attachment. I love learning new theories and self reflection & growth.

    So with it being the 1st of the month - My commitment today will be for the month of May..……..
    • I will NOT dig/scan/delve into any of his online activity
    • I will STOP myself mid flow if thinking about any of his past behaviours or slips
    I know I say this a lot BUT I DO want to step back...I keep saying it, and I do and have but I want to be more true to who I want to be.

    We have a mini break next week wine tasting in Spain and I cannot wait. Happy happy happy.

    I hope you all have a great month of May. And MAY the force be with me to stay strong and TRUST in my Jedi xxx
    Last edited: May 1, 2019
    goodnice 2.0 likes this.
  10. Trigirl78

    Trigirl78 Fapstronaut

    So here I am 21 days into my new approach. An approach which is no checking his tech or stalking his activity and simply trusting him.

    Honestly, I feel amazing!!! Whilst I have tiny pangs of doubt and worry and want to check, I have found not looking has significantly eased my overall anxiety!!!!

    I feel better about myself and now see with much more clarity that he NEEDS to make it work, no amount of snooping or checking up and badgering him will ensure he makes a full recovery for life!!!

    Anyway, it’s been a while, so I figured I should update where I am at.

    Fingers crossed he remains true.
    hope4healing and Faceplanter like this.
  11. Trigirl78

    Trigirl78 Fapstronaut

    My mood has been very low the past week or so, at times it’s been very hard to snap out and be positive.

    After a brief break in exercise routine I’m now slowly getting back on track, I’m sure that’s not helped my mood.

    It’s 4am here and I’ve been awake for some time. I’m trying to figure out why my mood and anxiety levels are so bad. What’s my actual beef seeing as he is now 108 Days PM free....allegedly.

    Well normally I have many reasons but now I just don’t know. He was told that work are sending him to Cyprus for the whole month of August so maybe that was the catalyst to it all???? Not sure, I know I’m concerned about this and his recovery as well as being miserable about the reality of his job and the fact he works shifts and weekends etc it’s all a bit crappy at times when everyone else seems to be able to enjoy time off at weekends.

    I did go to then gym yesterday morning and it lifted my spirits and in the afternoon had quality time with my kiddos.

    Whilst I’ve stuck to my promise to myself and now 26 days in from NO stalking or checking up & I feel really proud of myself for this. I did check to see if he had journaled....I absolutely didn’t read it just checked he last date entry and it was 10th May!!!! He had said he’s not finding much to say but still it’s a little alarming he’s gone so long plus I would of thought the subject of the impending 28 day trip away maybe would of been a good point but I also know Right now he won’t be thinking about it at all. Not sure that’s the most proactive approach but nonetheless it’s his approach to take.

    So back to ‘what’s my actual beef right now?’.......

    When I know I will let you know xxx
    Last edited: May 26, 2019
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  12. Trigirl78

    Trigirl78 Fapstronaut

    Ok, I think I’ve figured out my beef...

    How can 111 days in PM FREE and 201 from Dday feel like it can’t be talked about or brought up now? He’s busy working and keeping himself positive but if we don’t talk, and I’m now not stalking him, it’s purely a trust thing now? Trust he isn’t lying to me or worse to himself?

    Trust he’s not pushing boundaries with using soft PSubs to get a little fix?

    I enjoy the fact it’s drama free but after everything is we’ve been through I kinda hoped he would of still tried to keep me up to speed. His argument is he will tell me if anything changes.

    I do remind myself sometimes just what he has been capable of doing whilst in the thick of it, and how he used old images of ex’s and eBay etc...just to keep myself grounded to the reality of how bad it was! I’m trying to move forward but I think it’s still early days for him.
  13. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    We do a checkin every day, have done for about 10mths. Basically he states if he’s PMO free or not, whether he’s been completely honest with me or not, talks about if he’s had any urges or thoughts and tells me about them, tells me how his recovery works going, what he’s done that day, any porn / relationship podcasts he’s listened to and what they were about, that kind of thing and then he does his 3 dailies but that relates to his IA work he’s presently doing. Maybe you could do something similar even if it’s only weekly, just to touch base. Mine is a boundary, he has to do it daily and he has to initiate it but yeah like I say you’s could do something like it weekly if daily was too much. I like it because sometimes given he is an intimacy anorexic, it might be the only real kind of mental/emotional connection I get from him in a day, everything else is just routine daily things we are trying to get through.
    hope4healing likes this.
  14. Trigirl78

    Trigirl78 Fapstronaut

    HUMP Day!!!

    And what a hump I have! D-Day again yesterday as I find out that over the weekend whilst on the stag trip to Germany after visiting a strip club (which I approved he could stupidly) him and his friend were allegedly back at their hotel drunk at 6am talking about women...this discussion led to him looking up pretty air hostesses he’s worked with and showing his friends along with the old group he used to follow ‘lamp lovers’ all of which are prettier younger and much bustier than me. To make it worse one of them I know is def going to be working alongside him at some point soon...along with others I’m sure. His job is a massive issue and risk to his recovery.

    We spent last night hashing it out, it’s fair to say I did my usual unleash the beast angry mode and I’m still pretty angry today.

    I’m so upset I’ve enabled him to take the trip, allowed him to go to strip club, not checked in with him he’s safeguarded himself from potential slips and more.

    He did also disclose he’s prob guilty of looking at an image for longer than necessary too over the past few months.

    He still holds strong to his conviction he hasn’t M’d.

    So here we are back at despair door and less hopeful again for our future. We are 6 months into our ‘let’s see how this year goes’ and I’m naturally freaking out.

    I’m so bloody sad right now I just want to curl in a ball and not feel anything for him.

    How can someone I love so deeply hurt me over and over so much? I know he loves me but these actions leave me helpless and unappreciated.

    I’ve contacted a counsellor to see if we can set up joint and separate sessions as he has taken his foot off the pedal with his recovery this past few months.
  15. Trigirl78

    Trigirl78 Fapstronaut

    We are 3 sessions in now with the new counsellor which we are attending together.

    Yesterday’s session felt particularly brutal or directed at me. I felt lots of emphasis was placed on how I cope with slips and how I compound the situation with past situations.

    I just don’t know how I can cope with one incident in isolation and not link it to the past. This seems to be the million dollar answer!

    We did spend some time talking about domestic situations which I didn’t feel was beneficial at £65 an hour.

    Whilst his day to day struggle seems under control, we’ve learnt from his recent trip away whilst under influence he cannot necessarily be confident he won’t slip. So our next big hurdle is his detachments with work for 28 days in aug, Oct and Dec..... what is a reasonable approach for us to take? What should he do or not do? Can he M ??? Is it realistic to abstain totally whilst away so long!

    If he does then will he reach for P material or abuse it by doing it too frequently??
    Kitty lover likes this.
  16. Kitty lover

    Kitty lover Fapstronaut

    Hi lovely!

    This is such a tough one with his deployment- and you guys need to start making a plan you both can agree upon and feel comfortable with.

    Regards to the way you cope with slips- its damn near impossible not to bring up the past when these arise!!
    I can't help but pull out all the old chestnuts when we have our 'talks'. Its like I get verbal diarrhoea.

    If you do decide that its going to be okay for him to M- you need to encourage him to fantasize over sexy thoughts of YOU!
    This was advice from my therapist for a similar situation. Also have some structure of how often and when. As hes sharing a room- Im picking it will be the shower for any shenanigans( according to my partners military stories LOL).

    Ramp up your sexy activity leading up to the deployment- create some mind blowing memories for you both to smile about ( and lets face it, you are going to need some satisfaction over those 28 days too!).
    Give him a stash of sexy pictures of you on his phone to take along to those showers with him ;). CE will be going crazy- but its just you and your beautiful body.

    Spray your perfume onto his sleepwear- maybe write him a sweet note to remind him how well he's doing, how he turns you on etc etc and tuck it in his case.

    I think with an open and exciting approach to this you can both benefit hugely. BUT be very clear of your boundaries and how often it can occur. If his fantasies begin to go elsewhere- or not involve you anymore then that needs to be stopped. Very hard to police but trust and honesty will be huge for you guys at this time!!

    Turn a stressful trialling time into a positive one, that your sexual bonding could even improve from!!!

    Imagine how much he's going to be missing you and your big beautiful smile when he's away.
  17. Trigirl78

    Trigirl78 Fapstronaut

    I’m loving your advice ...he did say this week he wants to Ft and have experience together ...not sure about imagery though but FT for sure he’s down with more!!!!
    Kitty lover likes this.

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