Roughly 10 years ago I told my fiancé that I am a porn addict.

This was a big deal for me.

I sat her down, told her I wanted to talk about something serious.
I told her I had been watching porn since I was a young teenager, so that was during a period of more than 14 years.
I also told that I then had been trying for almost a year to get rid of this habit, but I still hadn't conquered it, and that she probably should know this before we got married.

There was relief in her eyes. She said she appreciated my honesty and actually wished I told her sooner. She was convinced we would fight this problem together.
There was relief in my eyes. While she is disgusted by porn and really dislikes me for a short while after I confess to a relapse, she thankfully doesn't feel intimidated or rivaled by porn.

A few months after that we got married.
A few months after that she became chronically fatigued.
A few months after that I became depressed.

Fast forward to 2020.
My depression became better, but my wife is still tired all the time.
That means she is usually not available for my emotional and physical needs.
That can be extra hard, since I have to shoulder all the things she would like to do but cannot, due to her condition. I work, I shop, I cook, I clean. She does a few chores and I am appreciative, but our relationship is disjointed more by her condition than my addiction.

I'm not blaming her.
I'm not excusing myself.
But there are complications that make it hard.

So what have I done to fix my problem, despite the challenges?

• I've had cognitive behavioural therapy, that helped me discover more about myself, why I am addicted and how to address the underlying problems.

• I've had group therapy, that helped me feel understood by others and exchange practical tips.

• Delving more into spirituality has helped me to stay motivated and dedicated, both to fixing my problem ànd to staying with my wife.

Ask me about any of this if you want


Two years ago I was finally 6 months PM-free. I know I can do it and I want to get there again. Having a guilt-free consience is a delight.

So here I am, fapstronauts, struggling to hopefully get to 6 months again (and much more after that).