Ruined it yet again

Discussion in 'Porn-Induced Sexual Dysfunctions' started by mark andrews, Dec 5, 2021.

  1. mark andrews

    mark andrews Fapstronaut

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    Hullo guys, i've come to end this conversation about girls on a sad note. Its not about girls for me.... just realised how fucked up i am. So its about this girl i met. She came through for me in ways i doesn't expect, but in classic loser mode... i did the oppposite. So we talk often she even visits me once, i do nothing but we get so close. Then yesterday she comes to my place and guess what..... she's staying for the night. Though she agrees to have sex but i cant get it up..... my dick couldnt work..... what also didnt help is that she wanted one position which didnt arouse me. I just felt too bad and ashamed.

    Tried to get a thought or picture of her to get me aroused but nothing... all i could think about was porn and still didnt get aroused.... i tried for like 5 minutes, worked it with her(sex) but interruptions were many and i kinda lost it...(erection)

    Got so ashamed and pissed that i told her its enough.... good night. She chuckled and laughed about it which also didnt help my confidence but all i'm saying is that i give up......

    Been a virgin till this point but its nothow i expected it.
    Doubt she'll ever give me a chance again and she's going to be laughing about it with her friends soon... so guess i also let her go...

    So down right now but thats it.... i GIVE UP.
    No more girls, recovery first
     
    Empty Red Cloud likes this.
  2. Might not be a bad idea to let recovery do it’s thing for awhile. Just so you know that people suffering from PIED is a common thing here so no need to be ashamed. I know that doesn’t lessen it for now might help you realize your not alone is all.
    Also try talking to her first before you just let her go. You maybe surprised she may want to keep at it and help. The #1 thing is you have to get out ofyour head and into the moment. No need to “perform” or whatever, let go of that aggression, expectation and frustration. If you need to just kiss, touch etc for 20-30+ minutes before your relaxed enough to progress then do it. No need to rush, no need to reach some end goal. IMO be honest and tell her you were nervous and that you wanna keep at it. Who knows it might work in your favor. If not, hey you’ll at least have the experience to learn from and can try again with someone who does understand.
     
    Last edited: Dec 5, 2021
    mark andrews likes this.
  3. mark andrews

    mark andrews Fapstronaut

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    Yeah talking about it would help.... but all she did was brush me off... she was giving me flat answers, and that says one thing.... she didnt want to talk to me about it which i find terrible.....

    Women would rather go out with their girlfriends and laugh about stuff like this. She wasnt being supoortive at all and thats why i have to just move on and do my recovery... it was slso my first sexual experience, i fucked it up and couldnt even reach climax..

    I know i'm an addict, my heart beats better when watching P and thats when my brain flares up.... didnt kniw what it was like to be with a girl, but now i do.

    I'll just focus on recovery and forget about her and this.
     
  4. BertrandR

    BertrandR Fapstronaut

    My first time was a disaster too, something like yours. But I had no PIED at that time. it was just too much tension. but anyway, I never saw that girl again. Some years later, after a couple years without having sex, I found out to have PIED. And fortunately, I solved it with noMPO. Something which helped me a lot was to find a supportive girl. It's easier when you can tell her about your problem, even to talk about positions you feel more comfortable with, and things you like more. And in time (not too much), it solved.
     
  5. adamexe

    adamexe Fapstronaut

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    Porn may very well be a factor here but the reality is that most of this is probably the result of you putting too much pressure on yourself and being overwhelmed by it.
    Your reaction during these moments only male it worse.
    First of all, your own anxiety is doing a lot of the heavy lifting here. Notice how much of your post isn't about what actually happened, but instead speculation about the worst.
    - if i fail i wont see her again
    - she chuckled she was probably laughing at me rather than just being akward and not knowing what to say
    - she'going to tell all her friends.

    You need an ice breaker about this situation, you need to be patient, and you need to own your condition.
    Meaning that there's no problem telling a girl, once it seems to be clearly going for the bedroom, that you really like her and all, but you don't feel ready to go all the way yet. If you were on a one night hook up, that might come off weirdly of course. But if it's a girl you been on a couple of dates with and are hoping for more, it's not going to he an issue.
    Secondly, if it happens again, much of the impression surrounding your inability to perform will depend on how you behave. If you get angry and act all shameful and frustrated, you're going to come off very differently than if you act unembarrassed by it and as if it's just perfectly normal and nothing to be ashamed of. There's still plenty of things you can do to a girl without using your dick.
    "Listen you absolutely must not take this personally, you're really super hot, but it's not gonna work for me right now, so instead I'll focus on you"
    She might have quick questions. You can reassure her that it's gonna work eventually but remain unapologetic about it.
    "Yeah I'm just like that like sometimes I just get nervous and it just won't work so instead of pressuring myself I prefer just being open and rolling with it. Don't worry it'll happen eventually."
    And don't be saying looking like a beat dog, or angry or impatient. Say it with a smirk and without a hint of shame. You're mature enough to know yourself and be mature about your little quirks, that's what this is. If she mocks you or denigrates you then consider she's no good anyway so who tf cares.
    Then work your finger/tongue game and just enjoy the moment. If the problem repeats itself a few times on the next occasions, then you can start opening up a bit more about your dfficulties. But I have a feeling that once you stop anticipating/stressing about failure, you'll probably fail less. Create a context in which you don't feel like you're under pressure to perform, and lear to just enjoy whatever else it is that you can enjoy in that moment.
     
    Empty Red Cloud likes this.
  6. mark andrews

    mark andrews Fapstronaut

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    true... ur kinda right. maybe it was all about performance anxiety. I'm 25 and this was my first so there's lots i could learn from it. i know my brain is screwed, and i also have this thing of caring how people look at me and view me. buh i cant let this be the end of the world for me... there's many if not thousands of guys in the world and on NOFAP dealing with ED.... but they're out there trying to get solutions so ama do the same

    will just have to pick myself up and fight again
     
  7. mark andrews

    mark andrews Fapstronaut

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    the way this girl acted was questionable from the onset... from the first time i met her, the laughing and all really gets to me coz she made it hard for me to kinda please her, giving me one position, initiating frequent breaks that got me out the mood etc. but minus that it really does fall on me....

    its kinda hard nowadays to get the kinda girl that supports... didn't really know this one that much but i know she wasnt that in for something serious to stick around Incase of a scenario like what we faced...

    but i'll just pick myself up and go again.
    thanks
     
  8. johndoe365

    johndoe365 Fapstronaut

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    This literally happened to me a month ago which is why I'm currently on day 40 something of NoFap. Couple things i recommend. **Side note: You can read my journey, i got a long ass thread going.***

    1) I would tell the girl about ur PIED, every girl i told about it was super understanding. It makes you feel alot more relaxed when u get it off ur chest and the girl is supportive. Can definitely help getting u hard.

    2) start NoFap hard mode immediately. I dont care if you relapse but whatever you do, DO NOT WATCH PORN. Jerk it to ur imagination if youre going to relapse, but absolutely no fucking pixels.

    3) know that you can and will be cured. We are all in this together. You are not alone. (currently my dick is in dead mode, havent had an erection in months... fuck porn).

    4) Whenever you're about to relapse, I want you to think about today. I want you to think about exactly why you came on here and finally made a post on NoFap. That should be the ultimate reason you never relapse again.
     
    Wugazi32 likes this.
  9. adamexe

    adamexe Fapstronaut

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    If that can be of any comfort, I wasn't able to keep it hard on my first time either. I had just spent hours making out and getting blue balls, dragging my feet (because I knew this girl had more experience and I had none) and eventually when it got to it, I became too limp to enter and decided to stop, in shame.
    She was cool with it.
    She was leaving on a trip to Thailand for months the next day..when we met after she came back, I spent a week with her, but we didn't do it right away. It took me a few nights to get comfortable that it worked. and then open season

    And it still happened to me on other occasions. Maybe the 4th girl I had sex with, I fumbled much in the same way. I had anticipated it so much and then after I put on the condom it just got half-crunch and then full limp on me after a few strokes. And none of it had anything to do with porn at the time. It was all stress.
    Pressure to perform and nervousness can kill your erection very effectively. It happens. And you know what, it happens to virtually everyone. Virgins and porn addicts and players alike. So don't be too hard on yourself. I'd say give yourself other chances with that girl if you can, and try taking it easy.

    Doesn't mean you can't also have issues with porn consumption.. But I think the case you describe is at least partially (but significantly) impacted by anxiety.
     
  10. mark andrews

    mark andrews Fapstronaut

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    thanks man... hard mode... nofap december... started on 5th December
     
  11. mark andrews

    mark andrews Fapstronaut

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    thanks man... i've always had this anxiety about how i'll do on the first night...

    the moment she got into the door... i was thinking about how i'll do... if she'll like it... if i'd be ok down there and even for one moment i was considering coming up with an excuse for her to leave so that we dont do it and i dont have to be embarrassed.

    but the virgin me was like DO IT... once and get over with it... and then i tried to stroke a few times... she always interrupted 'cause i wanted to change position and she didnt want so i kinda always lost it....
    but its a learning experience... i tried with condoms and it didnt work out for me.

    but am on hard mode now. hoping to recover.. find a girl i love and am comfortable with, then go again.

    thanks guys
     
  12. dhunnet

    dhunnet Fapstronaut

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  13. Sorry if this has been posted already, maybe if you run into an issue, ask if you can please her through different ways?
     

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