Ruining Someone's Life

All I can say at first is I'm sorry. The person I have hurt is the only person in the world that means anything to me and I have run her into the ground.

This girl is my partner. Even after everything I've done to her and lied to her over and over. I constantly dismiss her feelings for her being selfish and the truth of it all is I am selfish. I am the one who thinks he needs attention and if I don't get it I act out like a child.

It all started when we first met. I was never one to talk to a lot of girls and can admit I had horrible self esteem. I met her at a LAN party they were having in one of the buildings at the college I used to attend. I seen her setting there watching a bunch of guys playing halo and for some reason I decided "hey, I'm going to talk to her". I walked up, nervous as fuck, about to have the best conversation of my life.

Being the nerd I am, I immediately say "so you like halo huh?" And she goes on to tell me she hasn't really played it but they were teaching her. Then we continue talking about all the games we like and things we have in common but soon I had to leave because I was actually working in that building at the time. I immediately ask for her number and rush off to work. The problem is she wrote it on my hand and I can't really read it. So I try every god damn combination I can for a couple hours with a bunch of rude text back saying it's not her.

Eventually I give up and just deep down hope I see her again. A couple days pass and randomly see her coming back from the campus convenient store with some friends and she tells me they are having a water ballon fight and she invites me. I immediately accept and rush back to my dorm to put some different cloths on. It was the nicest evening I ever had in my life.

We continue to hang out and she introduces me to her friends and we all hang out and have fun. One night we go to have a sleep over at a friend's dorm and I can't keep my eyes off her. I'd never loved anyone before and I don't know for sure if that is what i was feeling. Laying in the floor while everybody else slept and just laughing away with each other was wonderful.

I realize I am just reciting my love story so I'll finish this part. She ends up staying the night at my dorm and it becomes a everyday thing. Eventually I actually ask her out and she has been my girlfriend for 1 year and 3 months now.

Now for the progression of hate and violence that followed and slowly got worse. After a couple of months of being together (and technically living together) we start fighting. It wasn't bad at first. Just arguing and yelling (on my part). She shuts down if she starts to get anxious and can't talk to me. It took me this long to realize just how much of a impatient, pushy asshole I am.

It escalates and escalates until we are literally beating the shit out of each other. It got so bad we were throwing things at each other, choking, and provoking each other to get a rise out of them.

I know what your thinking, what the fuck happened?

I happened. I don't know why we became violent. I have no history of being violent at all. For god sakes I've only been in one fight and it was a joke. She has never been violent either but we were hurting each other. We aren't like that anymore and tbh I don't know what changed. I still have a problem with getting really upset and yelling but she has changed so much since we were in college a year ago.

What I mean by I happened is that I am a liar. I lied to her for months until eventually I told her I had a problem with it and that is where I starting digging her hole. I have put her so deep in it over the past year and 3 months from my lying, porn addiction, yelling, physical abusiveness, and dismissing her problems and making everything about me.

Guys I need help. God damn I fucking know I need help. I am so glad we aren't physically abusive anymore. We still argue over the stupidest shit and I have told her over and over to just leave. We have technically broke up with each other like 7 times. I know I am the problem but I don't want to hurt her anymore. I don't want to lie to her and I hate yelling at her so much. I don't want her to stay but she has nowhere else to go ATM and neither do I seeing as how we got an apartment together.

I know guys, you don't have to tell me all the bad choices we've made. I have had plenty of time to think about up until now.

She is still my accountability partner and she is still my best friend in the whole world. I know she doesn't deserve to be treated the way I treat her. I just want to stop. The latest problem I caused was when I started visualizing porn to come while we were fucking. I kept it from her like a fucking idiot for a whole week and new by then if I had to hide it then obviously she could figure it out. She is a pretty damn smart cookie.

She says I am a much better person now and she would have cared so much if I could just tell her when it happens and not lie to her. She says she can deal with everything except the lying.

I have made her a paranoid, insecure, over analyzing train wreck. I have drove her crazy with all the shit I have put her through.

I wanted to share something evil I have done to a wonderful person so that maybe one day I will read it back and realize what I did to people who get close to me. I want to change and I want to tell the truth. Someone, anyone, please just tell me what you think, I will take any opinions or questions. There is so much I left out because this post is horribly long.

Please, I don't money for therapy and I need help. Thank you for reading and sharing

 

Thank you so much for the advice bub. First, I would like to say I actually do a lot of those things. I ride my bike for at least 30min a day Monday—Friday. I read on your brain on porn before I got on here and I've been posting on here since the end of October when I finally decided I need nofap's help.

I recently reset my counter due to me having a problem with using porn flashes to get off during sex.