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I fucking know no one is gonna read that. Im on 51 or 52 day , i dont care anymore the numbers. Im 18 y.o. I met porn 10 yo and met masturbating 12 , 2.5 year ago started masturbating daily than 2 times a day than 5 times a day and also trying to do nofap thing 1.5 year. My last longest streak was 21 days (6-7 months ago) and that time i feel super confident, energy ,everything. I can talk anyone in that time with no afraid and it feels amazing.But one day my stupid brain want to do fap when all thing is going better.After this time i went deeper and deeper in my life. Now , it camed 21 day and nothing happened and i said maybe 30 days , 40 days, 50 days... I was not happy 4 times a day masturbation days too but much much more happier than now. To motivate my self im doing "unfuck yourself" thing but didn't work. You guys can say "are you trying hard mode bro, you should just do this .....". DO NOT FUCKING TELL ME ANY ADVICE I RESEARCHED EVERYTHING , EVERYTHING,I AM FUCKING TRYING THE DEAD MODE.
no porn,no sugar, no sleep under 9-10 hours, no sleep after 12 pm, no online games(to not get mad stupid people), i started bodybuilding again, no sleeping with the phone, reading books, no using social media, only using youtube to get me life better , i camed back reddit these days again.
In the first days i decided to gain bodyweight i gained 5kg in this journey with healty food but i get bored that shit too. Im an aerospace student. Im such a love with space since my childhood. I want to do great things, working on moon mars projects, exploring the entire space, but not studying my lectures i have an exam but i do not fucking care. Im not getting fun anymore from anything. I lost my interets to the space too. First days is cool, im playing games, watching movies, reading lots of books, spending time with mom, excited to starting college, meeting new friends, new places, cycling too much. But now all thing bullshit to me.
Im trying to nicer to everyone, smiling to them faces everytime, giving them my attention, being polite and friendly,%99 i take the first step, first talk but if i dont do that nobody will never comeback to me. nobody cares me, loves me. They just taking my bad energy and thats ENOUGH. Im not gonna try to "nicer" to anyone. Thats what people love, right? They dont love friendly guys, good guys.
I just want to get a girlfriend. I dont want friends anymore, all people are same. The girl that i love rest of my life, maybe i can get my "happy" life again, but which girl wants a boy like me and this problem putitself in a vicious ride. In the past years some girls are attracted to me but my stupid fucking brain just says" dude stop, just go home and masturbate the better girls, hell fucking yeah". I have still hope i can a get a girlfriend. These quarantine days, i dont see much girls because most of the time im at home and the chances are is falling.
I missed my childhood things. Everyhing is good. Musics, people, movies... But these days are like nightmare everything is getting much worse day by day.
Im tired all of the time, i had much more energy in masturbation days. After nofap i started to see dreams everynight. First 2 week saw relapse in dreams and after waking up i feel like "oh thank god, its just a dream im not gonna fap anymore, i hate fucking porn", but past 10 days my dreams are nightmare, complicated, disturbing. My past nofap journeys day by day i getted back my god love but this journey i dont care. And + im not living america or europe countrys. Im living in a fucking bad country, it have bad people, bad government, bad economy. I just want to get rid off this country as soon as i can. I couldn't write all my ideas. So anyways i feel much better for now, thank you for reading so far ( I will go back to cry)