This is one of the most disheartening things for me as a SO. At any moment, he could recall all those images in his head and be effectively watching P without actually watching, and it doesn't help that he has an incredible memory. That makes it feel though that even though he hasn't touched P in over a year, it is always there, in his mind. Yes, that does also make me worry about a relapse at some point, but bigger for me presently is that those images in his head are there forever and can be recalled all the time. I guess it may seem like it is not much different than an imagination, but it feels different to me being real people he watched and the betrayal involved in watching.