Sadgirl's journal

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Sadgirl, Jul 31, 2017.

  1. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    The past few days have been really hard. I am in the "not good enough cycle" and no amount of reassurance is helping. I feel like our relationship is a plate that has been thrown on the ground and shattered to a bunch of pieces. I don't want to pick up every piece and glue it back together. I want a shiny new plate. I want a man who only wants me, admires me, has sex with me, and doesn't ignore me to pretend he is having sex with thousands of others. My husband says he will be that man. But I gave him 15 years. And I feel like he has wrecked me.
    I was not his "favourite" girl. I want to be someone's favourite.
     
    Last edited: Jul 31, 2017
  2. Runtilmylegsdropoff

    Runtilmylegsdropoff Fapstronaut

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    Sounds awful. Sorry you're going through that.
     
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  3. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    And then I sometimes feel like such a baby for having these feelings. But I know that my feelings are exacerbated by the abuse and physical shaming that I experienced as a child. I was always told how fat and ugly I was by my own father. I think in retrospect he was a heavy PA and that he was attracted to me-by making fun of me/abusing me he could negate those feelings he had for me.

    Our therapist said that it is fascinating how my husband and I both have pasts that when put together are the perfect storm-yet we have had (other than this issue) a really solid and fun marriage. He was religiously shamed and brainwashed for years. Had cold and emotionally distant parents who shamed anything to do with sex. He turned into a compulsive masturbator who hid from regular sexuality and used masturbating as a comfort and an escape his whole life. He brings sexual shame to the table and I bring severe body image and self esteem issues. It is all so crazy. I am writing this journal so that other women can identify and not feel alone. And so men can get an understanding of how some women are affected by porn use........
     
  4. My dad always made comments about my weight too. And guess who's P mags I found for the first time when I was a kid? Yes all my life I heard "ah your putting on a little weight there" or "your getting a little chubby". Umm thanks let me tell you something if you can notice I put on weight...I already know!! Don't need you to point it out for me and make me feel worse and fat thanks! He likes to think of himself as a straight shooter. I think of him as being a jerk. Never the less he is my dad and I can only accept that, that is who he is...
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 31, 2017
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  5. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    Oh Anna it is so awful isn't it?!?! To think that we at made to feel less than worthy because of THEIR issue. It just isn't fair. Every woman deserves to be adored as the Goddess she is!
     
  6. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    Heartbreaking revelation: My husband spent 250 x 12 HOUR DAYS (therapist said to double it to 500. He says no.) lusting over, wanting to and pretending to have sex with other women and spent 19.5 x 12 HOUR DAYS having sex with this real woman.
    *sigh*
     
  7. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    Today I hate him.
     
  8. :( Sry your feeling this way
     
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  9. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    So I had a visit with a lifelong friend and we confided in our issues. Interestingly, she found out about her husband's sex addiction the same day I found out about my husband's. Her husband though had a girlfriend on the side as well as he acted out with escorts. I find it fascinating that she has no feelings of inadequacy about this (not that she should), but her feelings are so different than mine. It made me wonder if women with solid self esteem regarding their physical appearance handle the trauma better.
    I feel so clouded. Part of me feels so much compassion for my husband and his childhood-being raised by unemotional cold parents who used hell as a threat to keep their child in line. Parents who instilled sexual shame in a teenage boy who has natural urges. But how does that become ignoring your wife for years and turning to photos of other women? Especially because I have always been open, sexually liberated and horny as can be? The therapist keeps telling me it wasn't about me, but he turned from me and CHOSE them. So how can it not be about me on some level. Everytime he would compliment me it felt like he was trying to convince himself what he was saying was true. I imagine years of drooling over other women (esp overly Photoshoped fake tits women) would make any man view his wife as ugly. I feel more attractive and wanted by a stranger than by my own partner.
     
    Last edited: Aug 2, 2017
  10. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

    I remember the days where I felt like a stranger found me more attractive than my husband. It took a couple of months (like 6) to really get that the addiction had nothing to do with me. Even on my bad days (with my anorexia) I ask him just to be sure, and he reminds me it was never about me. It truly isn't about you, and it's hard to comprehend. I also felt that he was choosing other women. But once we sat down and had some open talks about why he used (to escape life) and how he wasn't purposely looking for attractive women (of course who he looked at would be attractive to him in some way, although the fake people he told me he looked at because they were even farther from reality and took him deeper into fantasy away from reality, not that he liked them, but liked the escape). It took a while and lots of communication to really get that through my head.

    Do you talk with your husband about this and ask why he used? Addiction has many underlying causes. For my husband it stemmed, we believe, from his parents divorce. He used ever since the age of 10 or 12 and never stopped after that. He basically numbed himself for a decade so he wouldn't have to face the pain that his mother left, and now he is in therapy addressing that. He is learning coping skills and turning his life around. So maybe if you talked with your husband and understood the psychological reasons behind him using that would help ease your feelings of not being good enough.
     
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  11. SuperFan

    SuperFan Fapstronaut

    I'd pay particular attention to how your SO's relationship to his mom went throughout his childhood. I grew up in an emotionally disengaged home that caused me to seek out validation from other girls and women, just so I would feel 'good enough' about myself. I started putting all my value in my sexual desirability. I figured, what deeper and more intimate way could a woman accept me other than sexually? Having a woman want me sexually became the Holy Grail of validation.

    Like your husband, I too had women who truly loved me for me. But it never really satisfied me because they weren't valuing the things about me that I placed the highest priority on. They loved me for things like character, personality, kindness, etc. ... ugh, boring. I wanted to be loved for my body, my ability in bed, etc. That was the exciting stuff that made me feel wanted. So when I'd encounter a real, intimate love that was based on substance, I'd eventually seek out the validation my addict needed elsewhere.

    As I sit here writing this, the most memorable sexual experiences I've ever had have been with those women who were the most responsive, the most enthusiastic, the most vocal, etc. Basically, the ones who made me feel like a huge stud. See the connection? My best sexual memories aren't about connection or intimacy, but about me feeling good about myself.

    I couldn't get that kind of validation from my wife. She knew me. When you see someone as a complete person, and you know all their flaws, it makes it harder to see them as a sexual object. I wanted to be a sexual object. But my wife didn't see me that way. I rarely got the sense that she had an uncontrollable urge to screw my brains out. Now, on the flip-side, I could post a personal ad on Craigslist and get the kind of attention I desired, but those people didn't know me. So it became a horrible double-life, where I'd play the husband role and be thankful that a woman loved me unconditionally for me, but then I'd switch gears and look to PMO, personal ads, hookup websites etc. for the superficial hit of validation I'd grown addicted to. Inevitably, after a binge I'd realize that their sexual attention really didn't have much value, because they didn't know me as a person. They weren't lusting after me, they were lusting after their mental fantasy of who I was. It wasn't real.

    So I created a dynamic where neither side was satisfying. I think the key is becoming a whole person within myself, and recognizing where my value comes from. Then I can work on finding a relationship where love and lust have a healthy balance.

    Consider this, though: like me, your husband likely spent a lot of his childhood questioning his worth. Were his parents disengaged because of him? Of course not. They had their own issues.

    Similarly, you've questioned your worth. Are you less worthy because your husband has been disinterested? Not in the slightest. It's his own issue, and it has nothing to do with you.
     
  12. SuperFan

    SuperFan Fapstronaut

    Ha! I've never met the female version of me!

    100%. While his porn addiction is not about you, I think how personally you take it at least partially has to do with you. If you put a disproportionate sense of self-worth in your physical attractiveness, it will have a greater sting when your SO looks at another attractive woman. It just cuts right to the heart of your value--or, I should say, where you choose to put your value.

    That makes a ton of sense. A lot of men have PMO addiction because of distant mothers, which then makes them insecure around women. In the fantasy world of PMO, there's no risk of rejection--every woman is hot, horny, and ready to please us as if we're the only man on earth. No wonder so many of us would rather live there than in reality.

    I don't know your husband obviously, but I think your freedom and openness should help. For me, part of what was wrapped up in my shame was a worry that my sexual desires might be viewed as too extreme or 'out there' by the kind of women I'd be interested in for a real relationship. When I'd meet an attractive woman in church and we'd seem to hit it off, I couldn't exactly say, "sooooo what do you think about road head?" So I learned to hide that part of myself, which as you can imagine, becomes very unsatisfying.

    One of the reasons I still feel so attached to my affair partner is because she's the only person who gave me the freedom to be 100% myself sexually. Your husband is very, very fortunate to be with a woman who's as open and comfortable with herself as you appear to be, and I expect that's a trait that will really help him long-term in his recovery. It's hard to have sexual shame with a partner who goes out of her way to encourage transparency and vulnerability without judgment.
     
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  13. Wow!! Spot on! I don't even know exactly how you articulated that but I've struggled with this for as long as I can remember. Now I do know my worth and I've worked very hard on my self esteem and I don't think you'd know I struggled w it unless I told you. But...sex w my husband is still very important to mean and I think when his PA came to light it really upended up old wounds for me. I know I don't need sex to validate how my husband sees me but it just feels good to feel wanted. As many strangers or other ppl who show attraction or attention to me...it's my own husband who I crave it from. For validation that We are connected and still in love and still attracted to one another.
     
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  14. Sry about yours as well. Idk why some guys are just that shallow even to their children. He built me up in other ways but those are some of the things that stuck w me (and he still does).
     
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  15. SuperFan

    SuperFan Fapstronaut

    Absolutely.

    I've definitely struggled with that. I can't tell you how many times I've met up with women for a hot one-night stand ... but in the end, no guy wants to marry the 'one-night stand girl'. And yes, I often had my ex-wife up on that pedestal. She's the woman I'm supposed to love, cherish, and respect ... not the one I should pin down and #$&@ senseless while calling her dirty names. I do realize how unfair a situation that creates.

    I think that's why my affair partner has had such a hook in me, emotionally. She's the only person where I felt like those two sides were fusing together. We fell for one another, and enjoyed total freedom behind closed doors. I've never had that before or since with anyone else. Part of it, I think, was the fact that we spent the first few months in a long-distance connection, so we were forced to build a rapport and not just go at it the day we met. Anyway ... that relationship has me pretty spun around mentally these days. No idea where that's going.

    But I digress ...

    I think one of the signs of recovery is that over the last few years, I've progressively desired a greater sense of connection in sex. I still get super horny sometimes, but I have less and less interest in just hooking up because someone's hot and available. I want that chemistry, otherwise it just isn't remotely as good. Knowing what I know now, I'm not going to settle if I every remarry. I'm not going to put a ring on someone's finger if I'm not 1) deeply in love, and 2) consistently aching to get her naked. I just need to make sure that #2 side of me isn't a case of the addict running the show.
     
  16. SuperFan

    SuperFan Fapstronaut

    Hearing this stuff makes me so angry. The Bible is crystal-clear: people don't go to hell for sexual sin. They go to hell because they haven't received Christ as their savior. I'm always amazed at these strict parents who know all the 'code of conduct' scriptures like the back of their hand, but manage to miss all the ones about how parents are supposed to treat their children.

    Having spent a lot of time in SAA, I'm always amazed when someone comes in who claims to be an atheist. It's kind of a cliche--but how do you know when there's an atheist in your 12-step program? They tell you in their first share.

    If you're trying to beat an addiction, it's because you believe in a higher purpose for your life than your own pleasure. There needs to be something transcendent, something bigger than yourself to believe in and aim for. If there weren't such a thing--if we just lived, died, and went back into the ground--then living for hedonistic pleasure would be just as good a goal as any. I personally believe people need God to recover.

    I don't know about that. Child porn is aggressively prosecuted in this country. Your husband would have to be getting into some dark-web stuff (that isn't accessible by standard browsers) if he were into that.

    This reminds me of my wife. In her mind, every woman I acted out with was essentially the porn star of my dreams. It was hard to explain to her that if she actually saw these women, she would have still felt betrayed, but she wouldn't have felt nearly as much "less than."

    I suggest your man get himself a FedEx uniform and an introductory acting class. :)

    In all honesty ... I give you huge credit for being that honest with him. That must have been nerve-racking. And while he may have been angry (and rightly so), maybe that's a good mirror for him to have held up in front of him, just so he can see how much it hurts to have your spouse fantasizing over an imaginary person. Because let's face it, that's exactly what porn is.
     
  17. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Actually, yes to the underage girl comment.
    What is under age in the US is not in UK. Or Korea, or or or or.... I'm not going to waste time listing countless countries.
    But what they post online (in UK for instance at 16 you can have implants and a job) can be seen by us in the states.
    On Google... Absolutely.
    In Korea it's even lower. (age wise)
    So yes, it's true.
    You don't know how old she is @SuperFan
    And I proved this by showing my SO the age laws after I printed them up from each country because he wouldnt look them up.
    It was absolutely a thing in his recovery 2 years ago.
    I'm sure you could look them up tho.
     
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  18. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    @Sadgirl
    Let me know if you want into the phone.
    If it's a android, I can get you in.
    *Hugs.
    There's always a "guy" after we want to do to get them back.
    Never will... But we want to.
    It happens.
    It's normal.
     
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  19. SuperFan

    SuperFan Fapstronaut

    Well, all I know is that I've viewed a LOT of porn in my life, and I've never just stumbled across underage porn. Now, perhaps I might have seen images of a minor who clearly looked older, but that's not what we're worried about here, is it? We're worried about people seeking out images of underage girls--that's the truly concerning issue. In my experience, you'd have to be pretty intentional about that.
     
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  20. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Of course... We are just pointing out that girls are underage... And men are getting erect and it creeps us out. It's out there, we can't control it.
    She's probably 14.
    If you aren't specific about looking for your age bracket then you get all sorts of young.
     
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