Sadgirl's journal

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Sadgirl, Jul 31, 2017.

  1. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    Oh goodness my husband came home this am and I find it so hard to be around him. I feel so self conscious of my real breasts and tummy. I can not smile or laugh looking at him because my eyes get lines around them when I laugh. All these things I never thought about before torment me.
    He is doing great, really doing the hard work. Having huge insights and being vulnerable. Understanding why he did what he did. So much damage has been done though. It is hard because he wants me more than ever, but I just want to run away. I feel beautiful with other men, but I feel like garbage with my own husband. I have emdr tomorrow and I hope it brings some relief. I hate that before I was so joyful and carefree, but now I am an anxious mess that feels so much better when he is gone.
  2. WantsToBelieve

    WantsToBelieve Fapstronaut

    My heart breaks for you, Sadgirl... I am so sad that such a wonderful and strong woman has to endure such pain... Sadly I think a lot of us SO's know that feeling. And you describe it so passionately here, I just want to cry. I really hope things start looking up for you. You don't deserve this. This whole thing is just so stupid, why did these men have to choose a screen over us in the first place? It makes me so angry when women like us who are otherwise confident are forced to over-examine our appearance and become so self-deprecating. Just.... *sigh*. I am so sorry that the damage seems irreversible. I sincerely hope it's not, and that EMDR helps you through it.
    Sadgirl, anewhope, Torn and 2 others like this.
  3. Broken81

    Broken81 Fapstronaut

    I think some people just do not realise (or care) that words are powerful. Couple that with the fact that on an anonymous forum where you can't see someone's body language or intent, the words on the page become so literal. I'm very sarcastic by nature, but sarcasm doesn't come off well in black and white when you don't know me, so I have to try to choose my words carefully. I do this because I do not wish to offend or upset anyone, or be taken the wrong way. We are here because we have to be. We did not choose this path. But we do not walk it alone, look beside you, ahead of you, behind you. SOs are on the path with you. Hugs @Sadgirl
    Sadgirl, anewhope and Torn like this.
  4. We should have to use tags before texts, like
    (sarcastic) I really liked his shirt.
    (serious) I'm really sorry about what happened to you.

    It would make things more understandable, but what a pain.
    Sadgirl, anewhope and Broken81 like this.
  5. FormerFapaholic

    FormerFapaholic Fapstronaut

    As with one of the four agreements. Be impeccable with your word(s).
    Last edited: Nov 21, 2017
    Sadgirl likes this.
  6. Broken81

    Broken81 Fapstronaut

    (Sarcastic) That's such a fantastic idea, I can't wait to try it out!
    :) :)
  7. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    Thank you so much for the solidarity and kind words XO
    FormerFapaholic likes this.
  8. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    I really appreciate this. It is a tough enough road to be on without criticism :(
  9. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    So I had EMDR today and it was FANTASTIC. I just love my therapist so much. The EMDR is just what I need I think to get through this. I think. I hope.
    This morning my husband and I had more serious talks about his acting out behaviour. With more disclosures. Seriously how many times do I have to say "Is there anything else?" to hear him say no, and then find out there is more? It is inhumane and I am just so tired of it. I asked him if he ever PMOd when he was watching the kids and he said no. I kept asking because my senses were telling me that he was lying. After the fifth time I asked he said "yes" :( Apparently he would send the kids to play in the front yard and go to town on the computer. Seriously? We have a fenced backyard but he chose the front so that he wouldn't have to worry about the dogs being alone with our small kids. So he would put them in the front yard. It makes me sick. Really ill to think of it.
    So all day I have been asking if there is more and he kept saying no. My senses tell me there is so much more though. One of the things my husband has been most "proud" of is the fact that he never used video to PMO, just photos. So today he conveniently remembered that for 2 weeks he went crazy PMOing to videos while up north for work.
    The lying is killing me. I packed all his things and told him to get out. I just can't take the lies. I just can't. I hate this.
  10. FormerFapaholic

    FormerFapaholic Fapstronaut

    I’m so sorry to hear that things have got worse between you and your husband. It’s really admirable of you @Sadgirl that you’ve stuck by him - and supported him - thick and thin through his battles with his PMO addiction. And stayed so strong.

    There’s only so much you can take with the lies and deceit. I hope you are ok. Hugs @Sadgirl.
    Sadgirl likes this.
  11. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    I have had the exact same thing going on here and yes, it is killing me, too. I think our counters are even the same day, right? Maybe it is something about this time frame because for me this happened like 3/4 days ago. I don't know. Sometimes my husband says he doesn't remember anything when I say, "Is there anything else?" but something has to trigger a memory for him. Though, that doesn't excuse the having to ask it 50 times to get the answer. I usually can sense his lying as well. It is a blessing and a curse. Hugs, SadGirl.
    Sadgirl likes this.
  12. Broken81

    Broken81 Fapstronaut

    I'm so sorry for you sadgirl. I hate that you have to go through this. The only thing I want to say is don't make any rash decisions while you are in the midst of feeling such despair. I realise it feels like we are always like this, but when we let the feelings overcome us, it's hard to make a decision that we might be happy with later. Before you throw him out, sleep on it. Take a tablet if you have to (I know I can't sleep without medication atm). Wait until you are a bit calmer and not so overwhelmed with this emotion Before you decide what to do. Biggest hugs ever to you xx
    Sadgirl and Torn like this.
  13. Torn

    Torn Fapstronaut

    @Sadgirl, sorry you're hurting and dealing with more lies. The lies are the WORST part of this IMO.

    Was today's EMDR session your first one? I do trauma work, and I've learned it's not the best time to make major life changes. I totally understand you packing his bags after uncovering more lies -- I'm very quick to do similar things when I'm majorly upset, and finding out my bf had been lying to me for so many months had me telling him that night I could not stay in this relationship. However, I had a close friend calmly advise me to sit tight for a bit. She pointed out I was not in any danger and didn't want to cause even more upheaval for myself right then. She was right.

    Are you safe? Would it be possible to sleep on this until your mind can take a break?

    More big hugs. <3
    Sadgirl likes this.
  14. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

  15. :emoji_sweat:
  16. SuperFan

    SuperFan Fapstronaut

    I'm really sorry to hear this. And as much as I've found myself defending him in past comments, this makes me feel some real anger toward your husband.

    The reason therapists have sex addicts conduct a 'full disclosure' is because the partner needs to have all the information in order to decide how to move forward. And it's two-fold: the partner gets to know everything, and if she decides to stay, then the addict has the benefit of knowing his partner is staying and loves him despite his behavior. Disclosure is incredibly painful, but it can be incredibly powerful.

    But a staggered, drip-drip-drip disclosure destroys that potential. That kind of disclosure can be even more damaging than the behaviors themselves. Trust is broken, and then you spend all this time trying to build it back up ... only to have it broken again, then building it back up ... then broken again, over and over. At some point, the betrayed partner needs to tap out.

    I look at my ex-wife, for instance, who endured four separate and brutally painful discoveries of my infidelity. In each case, I had actually acted out with other women, over and over. But say I hadn't ... say that all those experiences were in the past, but I was simply confessing them in a staggered manner: the impact of betrayal and broken trust would have been exactly the same for her.

    I imagine when your husband confessed to these things, it was as if he'd just done them the night before.

    Breaks my heart to hear about this ... and I also feel some shame recognizing that I made an amazing woman feel the same kinds of things you're feeling now.
  17. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    It is always so great to hear from you @SuperFan , thanks as always for sharing your thoughts.
    Yeah that pretty much sums it up. I think it would be the same with a therapeutic disclosure and my husband as well-I think he would only tell at that point what he felt comfortable or safe telling me at that time with more info being given to me if and when he felt ready.

    For any PAs reading this, please know that a staggered disclosure is hell for a SO. When you disclose, GET IT ALL OUT once. Write a letter if you have to. Get all the down and dirty and shameful things out so that you and your spouse can be at ground zero together and heal from the ground up together. Tell her WHATEVER she needs to know and then don't change your story.

    My husband disclosed to me in early July. I was livid. And hurt. And so sad. But I accessed resources and started to heal. Started to feel hope. But I knew he was still lying. Then in August, another disclosure came and ripped apart the healing that I had started to do. It took me to an even lower place than I was at from the first disclosure. Once I collected myself I started the healing process again. It was so hard, but I had no choice. Then in October came another disclosure- delivered to me while I was in the parking lot waiting for my son to be finished with his martial arts. Now that parking lot is a trigger and I have a panic attack twice a week when I am there. Because that was the worst disclosure because he had lied to me repeatedly just an hour before saying that I "knew everything". Again, I started healing from a place that was even more ravaged than from the first disclosure in July. But I stuck with it. Then came another horrible disclosure just a few days ago and a few smaller ones after that. Every disclosure I not only have to deal with wrapping my head and heart around his past behaviors that he finally admitted to, but I have to deal with the near constant lying that has happened in the past 5 months. I have to wrap my head around the fact that he continues to protect himself and not his marriage vows. That whatever he has done is so heinous that he doesn't want to admit it to me and even himself. That he plays word games and lies to himself so he doesn't feel like he is lying to me. Now I have no trust in him and I doubt I ever will. His lying has torn our relationship to shreds and I just don't have the strength to care anymore. I need to move on. How, I have no clue. When I have no clue. But my heart is done with this man. PAs love your wife enough to tell her all the truth ONCE and only once. So she can decide for herself, just like you decided for yourself every time you cheated on her with your heart or even just your eyes.
  18. SuperFan

    SuperFan Fapstronaut

    This is a pretty extreme measure, but I know several addicts who have done a polygraph in tandem with their disclosure, just to have a third-party verify that they've shared all their secrets and sufficiently responded to their partner's questions. If an addict knows that a polygraph is on the table, there's a bit more incentive to be truly, 100% honest from the get-go. A lot of couples have used them as a tool to help rebuild trust.

    I realize you're probably way past that point @Sadgirl. I mention it here mainly for other SO's who find themselves wanting to trust their addicted partners, but are having a hard time with it.

    I heard a quote in today's SAA meeting that seemed particularly fitting: "What addicts don't realize is that if they had to choose, their partners would prefer them to be honest over being sober."
    Bel, Sadgirl and Queen_Of_Hearts_13 like this.
  19. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    I have read really good things about polygraph during disclosure as well-I imagine in cases especially where an affair partner or other IRL infidelities occurred it would be really helpful. And great quote! Honesty is the most important virtue when moving forward.
    Bel likes this.
  20. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    How do I fix a broken man............
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