Sadgirl's journal

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Sadgirl, Jul 31, 2017.

  1. CLAW619

    CLAW619 Fapstronaut

    Every time I come to @Sadgirl journal I end up getting hit between the eyes with a baseball bat. So sobering to understand how the PMO lifestyle affects others with devastating consequences.
    Sadgirl, vxlccm, Sc8r51o1n and 2 others like this.
  2. vxlccm

    vxlccm Fapstronaut

    Was always worried about this from your Day 1 here. You may remember my early worries there. There's a song that says something like "forgive is a mighty big word for such a small man". The staggered revelations do seem like the worst part. Maybe the man to forgive is the man he can become?

    Probably not a wise decision. I couldn't handle therapy, though. Unless it was with my wife. In the same room, at the same time. Just me.

    Getting through the holidays was something my ex wanted, once upon a time. Not related to this, but because of her feelings about talking to extended family about marital troubles and them already scheduled for trips. Not sure it was worth it, in retrospect. I was a zombie as the writing was on the wall and no amount of good cheer from everyone was being allowed to get through into her heart.

    How you feel about history is a serious struggle. The anxiety about the room sounds unbearable. Do you think a separation would help any of that? It's a serious question. It's a big decision, a HUGE decision, and I've lived through both sides of it, and watched others on both sides, as well. I've seen marriages repaired after worse cases of infidelity, and fall apart over less. Because, if separation leaves you unresolved and holding a bag full of problems, and if there's even a small possibility things improve over the next year, then maybe that's another way to consider the best choice for your family?

    With @Mr. Claw and many others, my heart goes out to you.
    need4realchg likes this.
  3. DemonSemen

    DemonSemen Fapstronaut

    Based on your previous entries I don’t think he’s close to having it all figured out. As most reading this journal know, it takes a lot of resources to overcome PA. And even more to try and right things with your SO.

    It sucks that he feels uncomfortable wit his new CSAT. But he rather than run from the guilt, shame and embarrassment he feels, he needs to own and work on healing it. His therapists’ looks shouldn’t really matter unless he’s attracted to him. Age is an asset—he has someone who understands where he’s coming from.

    But ultimately it’s his choice to deal and you can’t make him do therapy.

    Sorry it’s gotten so bad.
  4. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    Hey @phuck-porn! Thanks for stopping by XO
  5. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    Thank you for sgaring this. I try to be as open and vulnerable as possible so men can see hiw this can affect a woman. I know it isn't a "fun" and light hearted journal, but it is my truth.
  6. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    He used to be a wonderful, wonderful man before P entered our lives. Now I just feel that he is so tainted. Like he could never be that person again. And I have so much fear. I trusted him. I gave him everything I had. All of me. And he rejected me and it hurts so badly.
    He is already gone half of the month for work. When he is gone I am able to breathe again it feels. I have packed his things and asked that he stay in his apartment 2 hours away, but he refuses. I just don't know what to do or how to feel better with him because I feel great when he is gone.

    Thank you so much for your support. Having a PA perspective during all of this (an honest one) has been really helpful, validating, and at times reassuring.
    Thank you DS. I hope that you are doing ok <3
    vxlccm likes this.
  7. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    So at the first disclosure, my husband begged me to give him 6 months to prove that he could change and that things would get better. Dec 24th will be 6 months and I am just so frustrated at the lack of movement here for either of us. We have spent nearly $4000 on therapy and I would venture to say that things are *worse*. Probably from all of the lying.
    I agree with you fully. When we talk about his PA he goes into automatic denial about so many things. Quick easy answers. No depth.Just defaults to the least painful answer. No honesty. I think because sex was considered so evil when he was growing up that he just learned to repress his thoughts and feelings and lie. So now he does it without thinking. He even asked me "how do I not just default"?. So this scares me because how much more is he lying about? He has worked internationally and away from me our whole marriage. Things very well could have happened and I will probably never know.

    Anytime I try talking to him about my feelings, my PTSD, he starts crying. He makes it all about his pain. "How could I have done this to you? How could I have done this to our kids?" There is no room for my feelings. I have cried twice in front of him. It is all about his remorse and his pain. Like Doug Weiss says, his trigger finger hurts from shooting me.

    I guess the fact that the therapist is so beautiful intimidates him. He says that the therapist prob gets so many women and here my SO couldn't even have sex with me (his words).

    The first disclosure (6 months ago), took a full 4 days to get out of him. I suspected P use for several years, and asked him about it so many times. He always denied. He refused sex with me for 2 years. I read "Love Warrior" by Glennon Doyle and the way she described sex with her husband completely validated my suspicions. I called my husband and told him that I knew. And that he needed to come clean. It took 4 days of my relentless badgering to get him to be truthful. 4 days. We exchanged a bunch of emails in which he denied it constantly. I refused to speak with him on the phone. He came home 4 days later, was sitting on the edge of the bed and said "I masturbate more than most guys. To porn. But I NEVER paid for it. I NEVER turned to videos. And I NEVER compared you."
    I spit in his face. I got a garbage bag and threw my drawers full of ignored lingirie and costumes in the garbage. And then I had 2 hours of sleep to ring in my new life.
    Had he continued to have sex with me during that 2 years, I might not feel as horrible as I do now. He had absolutely no desire for me. He never touched me. I would pretty much beg him to hang out with me after the kids went to sleep, but he would make up some excuse to go to the computer. He refused to cuddle me while we slept saying that I needed to go to him. I never did. I stayed on my side of the king size bed putting my resentment between us like a fucking wall.
    His lack of desire started impacting how I viewed myself. After years of therapy to undo my dad and brother's contant critisism of my appearance I started to feel ugly again. I wore my glasses all the time. I gained 10 lbs. I wore baggy clothes. I didn't take more than a handful of photos with my kids in 2 years because I hated how I looked. My husband didn't want me. Who else would?

    The way he neglected me impacted me more than anything. Like the rice experiments. You know, the ones where 3 jars of rice in water are set up and words are offered to the jars. 1 positive, 1 negative, 1 neglected. And the neglected one gets just as moldy as the negative one, while the positive one ferments.
    Well his neglect wrecked me. And the worst part was that he "NEVER compared me". Like I was so unattractive that he couldn't even place me in the same standard as his beloved porn. Like I could never measure up and he wanted to make sure I knew that he "NEVER compared me" so I wouldn't feel inadequate. That comment is the most hurtful thing I have heard yet from him. Of course now he denies that he meant it that way. Now he says it is because he "knew it was fake. Like a video game". But I know the truth. His actions told me the truth.

    The irony is that I am a beautiful woman. I just bought into his lack of desire and appreciation. A family friend came over a while ago. She came to a function with us last year and she said "you have no idea how heads turn when you are in a room" and my husband said he noticed that night too. But I still wasn't good enough for him. We have gone out a lot without our kids this past 6 months and he says he sees how other men look at me. Why couldn't he have looked at me like that?
    I have shed his cloak of ugly that he put on me and I feel like myself again. And it feels awesome. I just wish he never would have thrown his shit porn infiltrated cloak on me in the first place.
    So where to from here?
  8. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

    This, he is still stuck in Shame not guilt. Shame is where he believes he overall is a bad person rather than feeling Guilt which is where he realizes he behaved badly. He needs to move past his self hate and be able to feel guilt and remorse. That is a challenge. my husband and i are 1.5 yrs past dday and only recently in the past couple months has he for the most part stopped doing that and lets me share. its not perfect but its improvement.

    Has he worked on the deeper issues of why he used PMO?
    Sadgirl likes this.
  9. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    Thanks for sharing that @AnonymousAnnaXOXO - this is really helpful to know. It is really frustrating though because I feel like I have to hold him up, and I just don't have the strength. How did your husband round this bend so to speak?
    He has come to understand that his PMO issues came about due to his feelings of powerlessness and inferiority. He has done some deep work on childhood issues and has written his parents a long letter about all of this (they both rejected him though after reading the letter). He knows where the issues stemmed from which is good. He has another appt with a new therapist next week. Not sure where things will go from there.
    vxlccm likes this.
  10. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

    @Sadgirl it took a while. I call his shame going into pity mode. I just said, "stop, dont you dare go into pity mode. its not all about you and your pain, try putting my pain first" ... ive said that SO many times and eventually he just started to get it.

    And the PMO for my husband stemmed from his parents divorce ans issues with his mom leaving them. She herself is an addict which he didnt know until i told him which was awkward. But he realized that he felt unloved by his mother, and that he wondered if he did something wrong to make her leave and wondered why she didnt love him enougg to stay, or even call him to ask how he is doing yet she always calls to ask foe his help and expects him to jump up when she needs him. Until he met me he always jumped. I explained that she treated him like crap and once he realized that he started to face the reality of his life that he was trying to escape.
    Torn likes this.
  11. Why would he care how many women some other guy gets?
    It seems irrelevant to me. Maybe I’m missing something.

    Also, for someone to really be sorry, it takes more than words. They will:
    1. Change their behavior to avoid repeating the action
    Like accepting restrictions on their access to the internet
    Be truthful instead of lying
    Quit being selfish and worrying about “their feelings” and
    worry about others (which is how we get into P in the first
    place, worrying too much about our feelings)
    2. Do everything they can to try and fix the hurt they have done to others by their action
    3. Accept whatever consequences come from their actions, not justifying or minimizing

    Hopefully his therapy can help him do these things.
    Its like he blew off your leg with a shotgun. Neither of you can fix it completely. And your difficulty getting around will always remind him of what he did. And it doesn’t matter why he did it. But he can’t think that his sorrow over doing it is the central focus. Obviously you are going to be the center of everyone’s attention on this.
    vxlccm and Queen_Of_Hearts_13 like this.
  12. DemonSemen

    DemonSemen Fapstronaut

    On one hand you have a man that has been sexually and emotionally repressing for most of his life—even with six months and $4k in therapy that’s a lot of dirt to move.

    On the other hand—the needle hasn’t moved at all. Some of the things he can do to show progress are simplle: spend time with you, cuddle, talk. (Who wouldn’t want to spend time with an attractive, pole dancing, intelligent woman who has drawer-fulls of lingerie and costumes??). So it would seem easy enough to move things forward.

    Ultimately, PAs have to initiate and lead their own recovery. You can support, badger, push and help but the push to recover has to come from them.

    Continue working on you, first of all. Should it come to an impasse in your marriage, you will need to strong, confident and ready for it. May sound harsh but that’s the reality and better to hope for the best and prepare for the worse. What outcome do you want in the next 2/4/6 months? What will you do if it doesn’t happen?

    For him you may need to set harder more firm boundaries and enforce those new boundaries/consequences ruthlessly. The other SOs maybe better at helping with this.

    This is a tough thing to go through SG. Loneliness, emotional neglect and doubting your sexual value are horrible things to experience. Stay strong and keep taking care of you.
  13. DemonSemen

    DemonSemen Fapstronaut

    I think Thor and Anna hit it right. His self pity is not getting shit done. He needs to work to fix the collateral damage instead of wallowing in guilt and shame.
    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 likes this.
  14. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

    Yes, these! @Jak3
    vxlccm likes this.
  15. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    It almost sounds like he feels he isn't good enough for you, like he doesn't deserve you. I know he acts the opposite, but maybe it is driven by him not feeling like he deserves you, especially with all the shame and guilt.
    Sc8r51o1n likes this.
  16. vxlccm

    vxlccm Fapstronaut

    @Sadgirl.. I'm hearing a little like you're feeling trapped when he's there. That's scary things. When you express this, what is the reaction? Your good guy husband would protect you from that feeling. Is there no personal space? I'm not sure where that feeling is coming from. (And, I don't need to know, just a thought to run by yourself.)

    I remember the early days. And, I agree. Except not -- it's not worse. It's just you're not seeing solid progress and that's leaving you holding a bag of unresolved issues. The many things you've decided to rename as 'bad' from your marriage experience isn't going to be helping.

    My ex wanted me to leave instead of her taking the free choice to leave. This sounds similar. It's going to be difficult and painful if you decide to chase him out. Doing anything by force is inadvisable and causes some trauma like ripping off the duct tape band-aid. Is there a way to exercise your freedom to choose where you want to live and be that isn't using the dark side of enforcement? Maybe those things will engender a more respectful response?
    Sadgirl likes this.
  17. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    It is wonderful that you have the insights to help your husband the way that you do!
    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 likes this.
  18. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    I think his insecurity about the therapist speaks of how low my husband's self esteem really is.
    I read him all of your pointers and he really appreciated it. He has been gone the past couple of days but your words and DemonSemon's really seemed to make him think. It is like he is actually taking control of his recovery. Hopefully he will keep it up. I wish he could come to NoFap more as I think the community could help him. The SA meetings he attends all have men who acted out in real life, so he doesn't feel understood.
    Anyhow I really appreciate your word! Thank you :)
    Deleted Account and anewhope like this.
  19. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    He says that he has always felt like a 2 and says that I am a 10. Which really bugs me. I nwver knew how low his self esteem was.
    Great insight btw!
    TryingToHeal likes this.
  20. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    YES. You get it. I read him your reply and it has helped. We both realize that it is me driving this healing. Not him. I can't do it for him. Ever since he read your reply and Thor's he has been more proactive and has stopped crying. It is amazing how I can let my emotions out when it isn't all about him. Kind of bizarre as I guess I didn't realize the depth of my sadness and fear. So much fear.
    And great question about my exlectations or hopes in 2/4/6 months. I have been so focused on getting through each day that I haven't focused on the future. And you are 100% correct about boundaries. I need to get shit figured out. Thanks for the kick in the pants DS !
    Last edited: Dec 24, 2017
    TryingHard2Change and anewhope like this.

Share This Page