Sadgirl's journal

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Sadgirl, Jul 31, 2017.

  1. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

    My husband and I are on the road to putting our marriage back together. He's working hard on his recovery. Yet, I don't know that I will ever fully be able to trust him fully again. I'm not talking physically. I mean emotionally. There are walls and vulnerabilities that I don't think I can ever break down again. That part of me is gone. My heart has been too battered and bruised and when I have attempted to let my guard down, it has been proven to be a mistake.

    Likewise, if anything were to happen to him, I will never marry again. I do not trust that there is one man out there that does not have some issue with porn or will not lie to me about it. I will never go through anything like this again.
  2. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

    I should clarify that I'm not a man hater. I still love men. I just wouldn't date or marry one again. Or a women either. Lol.
  3. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    I agree. I think it is really unsafe out there and I think PA has become an epidemic. I would like to think though that I know the red flags now. I would never plan on marrying again either. But I sometimes think dating, and attention, would be fun though.
    vxlccm and (deleted member) like this.
  4. phuck-porn!

    phuck-porn! Fapstronaut

    hey @Sadgirl!! I have been wondering about you.. I was hoping we didn't hear from you because you were in a better place - but I guess not. I'm sorry.

    I've been away a few weeks myself - it made me smile to see your name pop up. :)

    missed you. sorry for all the bullshit.
  5. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    @phuck-porn! I have missed you friend!!!! Thanks for your post- It is so good to hear from you <3 <3 <3
  6. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    Something that bugs me.....
    My husband used to stay up and "watch movies" (always superhero ones that I never wanted to watch). Sometimes he would "watch" 2 and be clicking away on porn sites. When I suggest that he must gave found something really enticing to "watch" 2 movies (aka spend 3 hours edging) , he denies it.

    He always says "It was my emotions!" any time I bring up the sexuality of what he did. Not "yeah I found a great site with hot chicks and wanted to edge as long as I could". While I rotted away upstairs.

    It is like his default so he doesn't have to feel shameful. It is really frustrating.
    I would way prefer that he was honest.

    Once I read him a letter I wrote about how he couldn't wait to get to the computer to edge to "the hot chick" he looked at the time before. He started bawling saying "That is exactly what it was like".
    Then when we revisit that concept he back pedals "IT WAS MY EMOTIONS".
    For fucks sakes. If I hear that again I will go mental. Those 4 words spell out
    D E N I A L to me.
    I should just not even care. I don't think he is capable of being honest. I am trying to detach but these things still drive me crazy.

    PAs am I crazy for these feelings/observations?
    I think I hate him.
    Last edited: Jul 18, 2018
    Deleted Account likes this.
  7. I am so sorry.
    Deleted Account likes this.
  8. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    I'm sorry. Denial is so hard to cope with on the other side of it. What does he even mean by, "It was my emotions!"? Like he was sad or upset or something so he looked at P?
    Sadgirl and Deleted Account like this.
  9. It is frustrating when someone won’t just own what they did.
    But I do find myself seeing different motivations for my actions that I wasn’t aware of the longer I am away from porn.
    And sometimes those motivations are uglier than I remembered.
    It hard to come to grips with terrible reasons even if you are making progress now.
    Sadgirl likes this.
  10. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    Yeah- like the driving factor was escape from his feelings. He conveniently forgets that his escape was other women:rolleyes:
  11. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    Can you please elaborate? :)
  12. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    Do you think I am expecting too much?
    vxlccm likes this.
  13. I guess I don't quite understand both sides.

    When you say:
    "any time I bring up the sexuality of what he did"

    What do you mean by that?

    I don't fully understand what you are communicating by that...and then, I really don't understand what "It was my emotions!" means in response to that. (not sure if that is b/c I don't understand your first comment .. or his response .. or both)


    So I can't speak to if I think you are expecting too much -- I'm not following the core of the discussion and difference of opinions/perspectives.

    Can you explain further?

    [I am more than happy to give my thoughts...once I understand better.]
  14. I guess when I was looking at porn or nearer to the time, I was more selfish.
    I felt entitled. I felt like I wouldn’t have to look at porn or could resist better if my wife was nicer to me, had more sex with me, etc.
    As I’ve gotten more perspective, I see that I was not caring how she felt, that I was a coward for not facing the consequences of my actions, that I wanted to blame her instead of me. It was my weakness, not hers.
    It was disloyal on my part to think about other women. Not disloyal for her to not act like I wanted.
    I was a selfish, uncaring, not taking responsibility, not wanting to really give it up, jerk.
    But at the time I couldn’t see it.
    Now, without the constant thinking about women as sex objects input. I’m able to see that I didn’t treat women like people and I wasn’t the good man I told myself I was.
  15. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    Thank you!!!! Anytime I bring up his PA (he refuses to admit it was a P addiction, however, and says it was a "masturbation addiction"- even though he looked at 365 daysx 8 hours per day of P in the last 10 years) he says "It was my emotions!"
    So if I say "It really hurts me that you called me to make sure I wasn't coming home so you could time your PMO" he says "It was my emotions".
    If I say "I don't feel comfortable being seen naked by you because you have seen so many naked women" he says "it was my emotions".
    "I am so hurt that you preferred porn over me so much that you didn't have sex with me for 2 years".... he replies "It was my emotions".
    Initially he told me he likdd PMO because of the variety and because it was easy. He also told me that he" loved striptease photos, loved tight clothing and brunettes with big hips, nice hair, nice lips, nice smile". This was about a month after I discovered his secret life. Now he back pedals insisting he never said all that and that it was his "emotions". I seem to have gotten more honesty when the porn fog was still foggy.

    Like there is no admitting what he actually did. Like he hides behind the fact he wanted to escape rather than accept what he escaped with.
    It really bugs me.
  16. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    These are huge realizations-thank you for sharing them!
    My husband too realizes that he was a jerk. That he used being upset with me as an excuse to pmo. That he would pmo to "get back at me". That he neglected me and that pmo was the cause of his depressive symptoms. I am glad that he has had these realizations.
    I am haunted by him saying "I don't want to remember what I thought back then" about his PMO girls (and subsequently refusing to tell me his thought process). Also haunted by him saying "I told you the truth amd loom what happened" when I cried after he admitted that for years he didn't find me attractive.
    He refuses to admit that the reason he found my unattractive was because he was enthralled with P and I didn't provide the perfection or variety he liked. Instead he says "I didn't find you attractive because I was depressed".
    Well he certainly found P attractive at that time.
    *whew* thanks for the venting space!
    Bogo Biggins and Deleted Account like this.
  17. Maybe I am dense..but what does your husband mean when he says "It was my emotions!"

    What about choosing to look at porn (addiction or no addiction) is 'EMOTIONS'?!?

    I am so confused. It is like asking someone, "Why did you eat that greasy half-pound cheeseburger?" ... And they answer, "It was my painful hangnail!"

    What does one have to do with the other?!?!


    To your husband, what does 'emotions' have to do with porn addiction? Is he saying it wasn't an addiction because he was so emotionally wrapped up in masturbation?!? (that doesn't even make sense)

    I guess I'm just confused. :confused:
    Deleted Account likes this.
  18. Gmork

    Gmork Fapstronaut

    I do recognise some of these behaviours in myself.
    - in my relatively recent past anyway.
    The excuses to isolate myself & create opportunities to PMO, - and the forced division in how we would spend time together resonates with me.

    Myself and my girlfriend have never had a successful sex life.
    It's just never worked, and there is a massive gap in communication around anything too emotionally vulnerable - which makes it near impossible to have a direct conversation using real-life terms.
    It's always been confusing, and I think that over the years, that lack of emotional trust has really damaged us.
    I'm not blaming this for my own issues with porn addiction.
    It's just an unfortunate fact in our relationship.

    Anyway, I digress...
    Your communication and understanding of the behaviours around PMO addiction is quite incredible.
    Vehement denial at this stage seems really odd, especially if cards are on the table.
    What's really the point?
    I'm sure it's safe to say that most adults understand the concept of mastubation, - what the results are supposed to be, and the fact that porn is a vehicle by which to achieve those results.
    There seems to be a gap in logic somewhere, if your husband can admit the most easily digestible aspects of porn addiction, - but strive to keep other terms out of the conversation.
    Surely right now would be the easiest time to just say the words, - rather than building even more complex emotional worlds in which to hide.

    Blaming 'your' emotions is truly outrageous.
    Blaming something - ANYTHING - seems to be what people do when they're cornered by their own behaviour, and know there's no way out - other than to lie and obfuscate the truth beyond recognition.
    It's odd that he knows he's in that corner, but continues to use that excuse (it's your emotions) without qualifying such a statement.
    Last edited: Jul 18, 2018
  19. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    He says it because avoiding difficult emotions was the reason he turned to PMO in the first place. So now that is his default whenever we talk about his addiction.
    I think in his eyes, because the underlying reason for PMO was to use it as a coping mechanism he is absolved from the sexual aspect.
    Ok so if a binge eater copes with stress by eating, and eats a full cake, she/he could say "I ate the whole cake because I was stressed". Not "I drove to the store, looked at all the cakes, chose this one because it was chocolate, hid in the kitchen, and ate it".
    So he denies the behaviours because focusing on the "big picture" makes him feel less guilty.
    But I don't give a fuck about the big picture .
    If a drunk driver killed a person I don't care that he got drunk because he was using alcohol as a coping mechanism for hard emotions. I care that he was dumb and selfish enough to drive drunk.
    I want honesty. Transparency. Protecting the marriage rather than self.

    His CSAT told him that I am well read and when I see these behaviours that it triggers me because he is still in denial. Yet he refuses to be honest. I do not feel safe with my husband at all.
  20. No doubt. I think this is the point. He is still focused on himself in these discussions.
    He wants to talk about why he did it, so he can then be able to stop. Also he can see progress in himself.
    For myself, focusing on quitting was a constant thought in my brain the entire time. Every day, every year.
    So when I made progress, especially at first, it was also my entire focus.
    But there was no room in there for anyone else.
    It took quite some time before I was not concerned that “today might be the day that I relapse” and how good it felt to make it one more day without relapse.
    He doesn’t get that you don’t want to talk about his recovery. And you don’t care why he did it. That you don’t really want to talk about him at all. You want to talk about you, and how what he did affected you. But you also want him to tell you what you already suspect is the truth.
    He’s probably afraid to say it or admit it the same way as before because of how you reacted the first time he admitted it. It might even feel to him like if he does he will lose some of his progress in being sober. He probably thinks you have healed more than you have and is afraid that this evidence that you haven’t is also a step back toward the addiction that he has run away from.
    In any case, he hides behind this view of things where he did something that hurt you but he didn’t do it to hurt you.
    The reason is very important to him because if he did it to hurt you and not because of “his emotions” he will hate himself and doesn’t want to look at himself that way.
    Or maybe that’s just me projecting....

    If it were me I would feel like the truth would destroy my marriage and my wife would hold this against me for the rest of my life. Kind of a bleak future with no benefit to it. But that’s the coward speaking.
    Logically, I know it’s like a wound where it is infected and until you do the painful thing of cutting it open and squeezing the puss out and disinfecting it, it won’t get better.
    So seeing that the extreme pain of honesty will build trust and then heal, albeit slowly, would be the thing that would convince me to face my demons and admit to my wife that I hurt her in the way she is suspecting. The reason doesn’t matter, and she isn’t going to trust me just because I overcame my addiction, which took all of my focus (both the action and the overcoming it) for the past xx years.
    I don’t know how you are going to convince him to focus on this wound when he still has his own that takes all of his focus.

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