Sadgirl's journal

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Sadgirl, Jul 31, 2017.

  1. Amazing post Thor! I think ypubare spot on.

    @Sadgirl: your husband needs to stop complaining about his trigger finger that hurts (the trigger finger he used to shoot you up with an Uzi..Dr. Weiss reference)

    Bottom Line: he needs to stop focusing on his own pain/discomfort and focus 100% on your pain and anguish. You know that .. I know that -- how do we get your husband on the same page?

    You mentioned he still won't admit that he was/is a porn addict...right? If so, he is still in serious denial. And I think that isnpart of the problem.

    Has he watched the 'Help Her Heal' videos by Dr. Weiss??
     
    Sadgirl and Queen_Of_Hearts_13 like this.
  2. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

    I am sorry to hear that. I know at times when I've talked to my husband he always said, "But I never intended to hurt you," which always got me angry because my thinking was, "how were you not trying to hurt me when I told you prior to the relationship this would hurt me and my health." We have had that conversation a million times until my husband tried explaining it in a different way that when he would use PMO to escape uncomfortable/stressful/painful emotions that his intent was to escape and even though he knew it would hurt me and would try fighting the urge he'd eventually give in because of the high anxiety/panic feeling he would have until he used. Now, logically I understand what he went through, I accept it, I actually understand that urge feeling from my own addictions, but I needed to hear him understand that no matter how addiction worked, he needed to acknowledge the pain of the sexual betrayal. It was slow but he after 2 years is 60-70% of the time we talk about it able to start understanding the surface of my pain which is huge. I can tell you that without him trying to understand and own the sexual betrayal I have no idea where I would be in my healing.

    I hope your husband can understand that you need to talk about your pain, and he needs to understand the pain he caused. Has he ever watched "Help Her Heal" vids br Doug Weiss? They might help him understand what you're going through.
     
  3. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    All this denial! This would be so maddening. I'm sorry he is doing this, that is terrible for him, terrible for your marriage, and terrible for your healing.
     
  4. TooMuchTooSoon

    TooMuchTooSoon Fapstronaut

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    I think this is spot on for every SO who needs acknowledgment of the betrayal and how it has affected them (that it HAS) affected them. SOs need to see that ownership and accountability. Then, hopefully empathy. That is what allows for healing, for everyone.
     
  5. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    Another D Day today. Back to square one. Again. I feel so detached though and numb. At least that feels manageable. I cried a bit. But not about him. Just about all the lost time in my life. My lost youth. And having no where to turn right now.

    5 hours of intermittent truth telling tonight. But yeah he told me that "there was nothing else" immediately after DDay 1 (July 2017 ) DDay 2 (August), DDay 3 (October) DDay 4 (November) DDay 5 (January), DDay 6 (April), DDay 7 (May)
    and this would be DDay 8. "Nothing else". Nothing but lies and self protection and fucking stupidity that I just don't care to deal with anymore.

    I wish I had parents. I wish I had someone to rescue me from this hell. Where is my White Knight? Will I ever have one?
    Oh yeah. He's probably PMOing right now. I've lost faith. Not that I had much. But I want someone to come rescue me from this shit. I'm tired of having to hold everything together for years while my 16 year old 43 year old wasted our marriage on fantasy. I hate him. I have nothing left for him. It's just all so pathological.

    13 months. It's fucking ridiculous. All to pretend he was fucking other women. What a God damned insult and horrible way to continue wrecking a family.
     
  6. Gmork

    Gmork Fapstronaut

    I'm really sorry you're having such a shitty time.
    Can you get away?
    Even for a week to remove yourself from the situation?
     
    Sadgirl likes this.
  7. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    I'm so sorry.
     
  8. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

    I am so sorry. I know how iy feels to have a lot of ddays... i think we had 8 porn ddayd and a couple car ddays... the lies are the worst and most destructive.

    Is there anything you plan to do to take care of yourself during this time?
     
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  9. DesperateHousewife7

    DesperateHousewife7 Fapstronaut

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    This scares me so badly because I'm in the exact same boat except I've given mine 7 years... to think it could be twice that long someday gives me nausea.
     
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  10. Lapirata48

    Lapirata48 Fapstronaut

    I just reread my journal (6 months worth of a lot of pain) and forgot about the several times you posted and made good comments so I found your journal and now see you haven't posted in about 4 months. I hope you are ok. You are missed. You are one of many that helped me and I won't forget that.
     
  11. Lapirata48

    Lapirata48 Fapstronaut

    I'm also really sorry (sad) to see your husband has never taken complete ownership and put you through so much misery. What have you been up to lately?
     
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  12. Bogo Biggins

    Bogo Biggins Fapstronaut

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    I think, and this is just me reflecting on myself as someone who has been clean for over a year, who really loves his wife dearly, but is not - no way - complacent:

    1. A man as a pmo addict is ill. Sorry, that's how it is. Medics may not agree, but he is ill.
    2. So he has to acknowledge he is ill to begin with. If he dosnt do this, then he cannot begin to get well. If he lies to his SO or himself, then he cannot hope to get well. So 'somehow' he has to prove to his SO or himself he isn't lying to begin with. The SO has to agree to this. I think many PMO addicts fail at this point. It basically means he dosnt have the courage/willpower to get well. Not suprising as pmo, like a parasitic disease, sucks both these things away.
    3. Even then, so let's say he acknowledges truthfully he is ill and he wants to get well. Unfortunately, outside this community, there dosnt seem to be a lot of help. Or, if there is help, it is ill informed. So even if a person tries to get well there is no guarantee of success. If we just look at the forums here - for every guy who manages to go 90 days pmo free, there are maybe 10x that don't. It is bloody difficult. This is people who want to get well.

    This is why pmo addiction is so common. It is the new 'normal'. What the hell are SOs to do?

    [sorry, just writing my thoughts here in case it helps...I find your story, like so many on here, to be so helpless. I read it because it helps me see, again, how stupid I have been. My wife, by the way, told me the other day she still thinks I masterbate. She thinks I'm lying when I say I don't. I don't blame her for not believing me. Tragic. Thanks].
     
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