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Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Sadgirl, Jul 31, 2017.
@SuperFan... I guess that's also about bottling.
I wonder how many songs are about bottles?
I had plans for today ... but they've changed. My day will now be consumed with practicing these sweet moves.
Oh that's a interesting song
Today, I feel like this marriage isn't worth saving.
Just remember that life is short. Act accordingly.
This post makes me sad. Praying for you both.
If there are still good days, days when it does seem not just 'OK' but 'good', then there is probably something to work on. (How to turn more days into good days). If good days are just a memory and your SO is not prepared to communicate and work just as hard as you to improve things, then perhaps you have to let it go.
I don't do prayer, but I am thinking of you and hoping for the outcome you need.
Thank you so much ❤ It isn't him. He has been so communicative and open. Crying. Feeling his emotions. Going to therapy. Journaling. Loving me more than ever. Satisfying me. Talking with me. Touching me. But I just Can't shake the fact that he treated me like shit. He ignored my needs for 2 years. Ignored my attempts at intimacy and communication. All because he was getting off at the computer while I was so lonely upstairs. It just doesn't make sense to me. I want to be wanted. But I feel like his desire for me has been tainted forever by his lust for thousands of other women. I was available to him and he chose them. How can I get over This? And how can I stay with a man who has put me through so much heartache? How can I ever trust him again when he lied so much? I deserve better than this. I want to be happy.
When my wife went through the pre-menopause / menopause she completely went off sex with me. She shouted into my face that she never wanted sex with me again. Ever. As long as I live, I will not forget the pain that caused me. She hardly ever touched me at all. This went on for 2-3 miserable, sexless years, during which she spent a good part of each day in tears and life for me was a grim daily struggle. I doubt whether our marriage would have survived had it not been for the deep love we both have for our beautiful daughter. But eventually, she came through it. She came to me one night and wanted to make love again. Her tearful episodes reduced and she became the woman I love again.
I could dwell on that period, resent how she rejected me and allow it to eat me up and tarnish my view of her. I choose not to. I choose to lay the blame on her hormones (and I thought PMS was bad!!) and move on and focus on the present and the future, not the past.
You could try do the same - forgive your SO his weakness, for allowing his addiction to consume him and neglect you as a result. It sounds as though you don't doubt his commitment to you now. Try to look forward, not back. Be demanding of him. Make him be the best he can be. Make him work his butt off to make you happy in all aspects of your relationship. But as long as he is doing that, you may have to forgive him his past.
@Sadgirl so sorry for your pain. Although I am the PA in my relationship, I also have a spouse who just doesn't care much about making me feel desired either. Not because of the pmo, but before. It hurts. A lot. She wasn't getting it from something fake like your guy, she apparently got it all out on her youth and had nothing left for me.
I know it's a lot different, just wanted you to not feel like the line ranger l ranger write so much.
I'm happy for you both that your guy is being so communicative and diligent. That puts him in upper crust.
@SuperFan Every woman is a genie in a bottle.
You just gotta rub her the right way
Dipping out for a bit probably
I'd just like say....
That while this is all well and in good fun and we all know that we are joking in this thread....
In light of my recent Stalker issues.... Yes, that Totally happened....
Everyone is on the same page about the joking- right?
Stalking was probably the last thing I thought about when writing this.
I heard this morning he was suspended temporarily?
How long does that last?
You have every right to feel the way you're feeling. But I would encourage you to not think about your man's addiction as a matter of choosing other women. Addiction is, by definition, compulsive behavior. Compulsions aren't choices. They're behaviors that are triggered by a hijacked brain chemistry.
When I sat down for my first session ever with a CSAT, he said to me, "the first thing I want you to know is that you don't have a moral problem. You have a brain problem." That was very, very important for me to hear. For years, I believed I was a bad, unlovable person because of the things I'd done, and as you can imagine, that mindset didn't help me very much in my recovery. It just kept me in my addiction. When I started to understand the brain chemistry of addiction, how addicts get hardwired to their behaviors, and how it overpowers the will, it made a big difference in how I saw myself. Suddenly I was able to give myself a little grace.
The first step in addiction recovery is for the addict to recognize that he's powerless over his addiction. There's no choice he can make, no force of will he can muster on his own to get better. In this way, 'surrender' isn't about giving up, but about giving up trying to do things his own way. But here's the hard part for you: in order to really support him in his addiction recovery, you'll have to get to a place where you acknowledge his powerlessness, too. As long as you hold onto the belief that this wouldn't have happened if he'd just tried harder / loved you more / been attracted to you more / been more considerate toward your needs and feelings, then you'll always have a justification for bitterness and resentment. And look--you're his wife. He's built a life with you, had kids with you ... and you're a huge part of the reason why he's trying to get better. You are absolutely entitled to your feelings ... but you should know that as long as you hold that weight over his head, I think it will be harder for him to recover.
Love you and will continue praying for you both.
Of course I'm totally joking. *discreetly puts away binoculars*
In all sincerity, I can totally see how that could happen. When you have men and women in a shared forum discussing sexual issues, certain addicts are going to latch onto that, embellish the 'connection' in their minds, etc. etc.
@SuperFan, of course
And I know we (you) are kidding, and @Sadgirl & @Broken3 & the other two people who have popped in here for the occasional joke..
I just felt the need to reiterate
It was just a off thing to happen... I mean, we move back and forth between serious and not in this thread and even my SO is alright with the level of comfort here. (as he has complete access to my phone and mine to his) however for a random person to just pop in out of the blue who I've never spoken to before.
I mean it would be different if Broken3 went off the deep end or something, because we read each other posts and comments all the time
But this guy was really random
Even with most PAs, they know I'm here as a SO and there are boundaries to that, whatever they are.
But as anonymous friends then, I'm glad nothing is misconcepted, here. Sooooo
It's hard to know why you were home waiting for him or cooking dinner he was PMOing.
How do you possibly stand a chance?
I felt like that
I asked my SO last night if he thought I was enough novelty for him for the rest of our lives.
Could I possibly keep him entertained now?
Can he really be ok without all of "them"?
It's so difficult
To let it go.
Can´t stress this enough!
My favourite quote from the movie "Chasing the Cardboard Butterfly" (great movie about porn addiction btw...) is:
"When you talk about addiction of any kind, the thing that is the most difficult for people to relate to is the loss of control. That people, who can´t relate personally, look at somebody, who is in the grips of addiction, and say: How could you choose XYZ over your family, how could you choose drugs over your kids, how could you coose porn over your wife. That´s very hard for the average person to relate to. And yet on the flipside the person, that´s struggling with addiction in its true form, looks at it and says: What choice?"