Sadgirl's journal

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Sadgirl, Jul 31, 2017.

  1. MarinoBigFan1984

    MarinoBigFan1984 Fapstronaut

    2,030
    1,484
    143
    Happy Birthday. I turned 40 in Jan. How many children do you have? My best friends wife had their first baby today. A girl.
     
    Sadgirl likes this.
  2. MarinoBigFan1984

    MarinoBigFan1984 Fapstronaut

    2,030
    1,484
    143
    I get the same. I usually get early 30s. I ask because and it's just a question would you have had another child with him if you knew about his addiction? So an only child vs 2?
     
    Sadgirl likes this.
  3. RocCity

    RocCity Fapstronaut

    66
    51
    18
    Happy birthday!
     
    Sadgirl likes this.
  4. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

  5. phuck-porn!

    phuck-porn! Fapstronaut

    1,138
    2,444
    143
    Woo hoo! Thank God for good friends and wine!!

    Happy birthday!!

    Maybe next year it won't be happy birthday to a sad girl. All the best...
     
  6. SuperFan

    SuperFan Fapstronaut

    OMG HAAAAAPY BIRTHDAAAAAAY!! If I could attach an audio file I'd totally sing for you right now.
     
    Deleted Account and Kenzi like this.
  7. SOSo

    SOSo Fapstronaut

    152
    247
    63
  8. Bel

    Bel Fapstronaut

    244
    399
    63
    I'm stealing this and hope you had a very good birthday Sadgirl!
     
    SOSo and Kenzi like this.
  9. Spidermonky77

    Spidermonky77 Fapstronaut

    136
    178
    43
    Thank you for sharing @Sadgirl
     
    Sadgirl likes this.
  10. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    Thank you!!!
     
  11. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    Thank you sweet girl!!
     
  12. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    Thank you so much!!
     
  13. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    Thank you!!!
     
  14. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    Haha!!!!! This is so awesome. Thank you!
     
    SOSo likes this.
  15. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    It is so great I am happy to see it twice. Thank you so much!
     
    SOSo likes this.
  16. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    Sooooooo, our anniversary was a few days ago and that triggered me to have a really shitty few days. I just kept thinking about our vows and how he broke them and how for 2/3 of our marriage he has wanted SO many other women. At my expense. How he lied to me when I would try to help him. How he would pretend to research shit or watch movies (always movies he knew I would hate so I wouldn't want to watch with him-that was always a clue to me of what he was about to do) while I was sleeping so he could look at P. I recall hearing the incessant slow clicking from the top of the stairs and bracing myself to catch him. There were so many times I would sit there and wait. Inch down the stairs a bit at a time. But I never did go. I could have. I wanted to. But I didn't. Why didn't I when I knew what he was doing? Did I feel that catching him would make me hate him more than him just coming clean to me? In the mornings sometimes I would see crumpled up paper towel in the garbage. More evidence. As I was laying upstairs waiting for him to come to bed. Waiting for him to show some interest in me. To want me. But for 700 days he didn't want me. He only wanted photoshoped fake pictures. Compare me to a real chick any day. But not an edited photo. That isn't fair. I feel angry at myself for not catching him. In retrospect I should have. What was I so scared of?

    I also feel like if he escalated to getting off on obscure shit like midgets or tranny or something that I would have more empathy for him-because that would mean the other women didn't do it for him either. Then that would mean they weren't enough too. But they were more than enough. They were what he wanted at my expense. I was discarded. Like garbage. Like the garbage he threw his semen soaked paper towels in. Semen for the girl he found the hottest. Not me.

    I just kept ruminating over the past 2 years and how he made me feel and how disgusting I felt. And how I would come to him with my feelings and he would dismiss my concerns. I know he had a really tough 2 years with a bunch of job changes and economic issues and low self esteem as a result. But I tried my best to be his cheerleader. I tried so hard to pick him up and dust him off, but he dragged me through the dirt with him. So many times I would say "I feel so undesireable-why don't you want me???" and he would say "I do want you", then ignore me and go PMO. I felt so ugly and so invisible.

    Some days are good days and some days are bad days. I wish there were more good days. My anger really gets the best of me sometimes and I say really mean things about what I want to do to other men. But sometimes it is true. I want to be lusted after the way he lusted after them for 2/3 of our relationship. He says he wants me now. But that does nothing to erase what he did. Sometimes I want fresh eyes on me that aren't tainted. Eyes that are only for me. Actually that is what I always want. But if I stay in this marriage I will never get what I want.
     
    Last edited: Aug 21, 2017
  17. SOSo

    SOSo Fapstronaut

    152
    247
    63
    This is powerful.
     
    Sadgirl, anewhope and TooMuchTooSoon like this.
  18. MarinoBigFan1984

    MarinoBigFan1984 Fapstronaut

    2,030
    1,484
    143
    You seem to be torturing yourself.
     
    SuperFan likes this.
  19. MarinoBigFan1984

    MarinoBigFan1984 Fapstronaut

    2,030
    1,484
    143
    I have probably asked this before but if leaving is possible why put yourself through the torture. In the end you will have a bad outcome like a heart attack or stroke not your partner.
     

Share This Page