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Sadness when talking to hot women or viewing hot photos or porn

Discussion in 'Compulsive Sexual Behavior' started by bx82, Dec 12, 2019.

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  1. Dec 12, 2019 #1
    bx82

    bx82 New Fapstronaut

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    I've never considered myself addicted, more of a "compulsive" consumer of porn that is currently dieting (I was also a compulsive eater, but managed to lose quite a bit of weight). Although I had periods of masturbating daily, I could reduce it to once a week whenever I wanted to. If I had regular sex I could easily go without porn for a month or more.

    But two things coincided - my girlfriend hasn't been in the mood for over a month (job stress and some fights between us) and I also decided to go through No Nut November to challenge myself. Come December I masturbated twice, but I was surprised it wasn't very satisfying.

    Now I'm experiencing a strange new phenomenon - whenever I look at hot women online or in real life I get this overwhelming feeling of unexplained sadness. I used to have a tiny boost of pleasure whenever I looked at a picture of a hot ass or a pretty face. In real life I've always flirted a lot (though never in a serious enough manner to cheat on my current partner). Now the hotter the woman I speak with or look at, the stronger the "ping" of sadness is (sometimes to the level of tearing up). This is also happening when I look at my girlfriend, but the effect is slightly different - this sadness seems to trigger a feeling of disgust - I find her ugly and unattractive. These (luckily momentary) episodes are a bit of a shock to me, as I'm generally a very happy guy - satisfying job, great kids, "happily divorced", part time dad (about half-time), trying to create a patchwork family with my current girlfriend.

    I'm trying to parse together what could be causing this and my theory is that it's the combination of porn deprivation, the end of the first year "honeymoon" stage of my relationship and the surfacing of the realization that I've never been very physically attracted to my GF to begin with - what I found most attractive about her was her happy/open attitude towards sex and a level of horniness maybe not matching mine, but sufficient to keep me happy. Now that both sex and porn are out of the picture, there is this huge "pleasure deficiency" in my life, and any hot women are a reminder of its existence (and a reminder that I find my girlfriend unattractive).

    Well, thanks for letting me get this off my chest. Anyone with similar experiences? Any advice? I really don't want to end the relationship (she's a warm and kind person, our kids love each other) but I can't imagine the relationship going forward in its current sexless state (while she says her main reason for losing interest in sex was that the relationship is not going forward).
     
    bx82, Dec 12, 2019
    bx82, Dec 12, 2019
    #1
    maximusthegreat likes this.
  2. Dec 13, 2019 #2
    clapas

    clapas Fapstronaut

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    You are probably addicted.
    A reboot will help you.
     
    clapas, Dec 13, 2019
    clapas, Dec 13, 2019
    #2
  3. Dec 13, 2019 #3
    David stone

    David stone Fapstronaut

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    She is lying to you SON. Relashionship not going forward so thats why no sex? Pff..unreal. anhyway forget about this $hit

    Wake up dude. That sadness you feel is your true self crying. Crying because you keep it enslaved.

    Endless torture with sily images and meaniningless sensations and feelings. If you would only know the power it has, but not over you. It has no defence against you. It has only hope for you..to see clearly who you are and how you ve been endlessly trapped in lies. Endless circles of pain and pleasure not knowing the freedom of leaving both behind.
     
    David stone, Dec 13, 2019
    David stone, Dec 13, 2019
    #3
    clapas likes this.
  4. Dec 13, 2019 #4
    bx82

    bx82 New Fapstronaut

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    From my experience with women, there's a ton of stuff that I don't understand that can shut off their libido - feeling safe in a relationship is one of them. There's the "honeymoon" (or honeytrap) "demo" phase when sex is almost unlimited, then comes the commitment phase in which the sex can be "rationed". As I'm an optimist I mostly blame it on hormones, not conscious manipulation (though I've known women who admitted to it).

    I'm a bit stumped as to defining my "true self". At the core I realize we're just organic robots programmed and constructed by our genes to ensure their survival and replication. All the pain/pleasure instincts have been tested and refined over countless species and generations. However, the newer "intelligent consciousness" programming, although extremely successful, seems to be glitching and starts abusing those pleasure centers for pleasure itself. Now I don't know whether being my "true self" should be fulfilling the original directive - find a hot younger woman and mate, or should I go full "robot rebel" and completely disregard the built-in instincts and look for other goals in life?


    I browsed the forum and the term "flatline" seems to show up often. Could I be experiencing a version of this? If so, what's the next stage?
     
    bx82, Dec 13, 2019
    bx82, Dec 13, 2019
    #4
  5. Dec 13, 2019 #5
    Ogikubo

    Ogikubo Fapstronaut
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    Look, if you find her unattractive now, I can't see this improving.
    Maybe, believe it or not, she feels the same about you. This can happen. Sucks, but that's life.
    You two need a good and open discussion and possibly counselling.
    I sure hope you can resolve this situation in a way that both of you come out happier.
     
    Ogikubo, Dec 13, 2019
    Ogikubo, Dec 13, 2019
    #5
  6. Dec 16, 2019 #6
    maximusthegreat

    maximusthegreat Fapstronaut

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    First of all, you analyzed it pretty much well. It happens because you have been sobering up - less porn, less novelty and excitement with your gf. What might be in your subconsciousness that is causing this sadness is the thought that you are trapped in relationship and cannot pursue your desires for the other hot girls and porn. Your brain got used to some level of dopamine tied with all the "good" stuff you experienced. Now, this is not bad and I believe natural in many ways. After every party there must be sobering into everyday life full of ugly responsibilities chores etc. I have been in the same situation for around 2,5-3 years now, but I advanced.
    About your girlfriend, It happens that initial novelty and excitement go away gradually. It is natural. What you might (or might not, i know nothing about your relationship) formed toward her is this bond called love which is far far stronger than any other desire if you let it be. It was the main thing that kept me from leaving the relationship and go pursuit pleasure couple of years ago. Now other reasons emerged as I discovered downsides of pursuing only pleasure and not having purpose. My girl became part of my purpose. Life is really short. Try to imagine rest of your life. And don't take it from the selfish way of fear. If you fear of loneliness or other things and that's what keeps you in the relationship it is different from loving unconditionally. Anyway, try to imagine it without your gf, try to imagine your last breaths. Will you regret leaving her and choosing another options? If you do, get your values together and let it be your building stone for the weapons you will use against yourself in this struggle of sobering up and finding deep purpose in life.
    Now, what might be happening is that your brain is trying to rationalize leaving the relationship because it needs its dose of dopamine. That is your biggest enemy as this is endless loop of wasting short life. For me as it has unfolded, this sobering my love towards my gf "forced" me to do was one of the biggest growths in my life. It gave me new perspective on life, on my values, I found that I am indeed sex and porn addict and it got me here on this forum where I get mental support and now I can see clearly that the mindset and habits i had couple of years ago was really just endless loop of seeking pleasure getting it sobering seeking etc...
    So just remember, life is short man. Choose wisely and mind your addicted brain. I could also write you just sth like (which I am starting to experience now after some year of sobering): "Don't worry man if you get through this phase you will have rough animal great sex with your gf that will excite you (in a bit different way but equally good i would say) but if you would wait until this happened you wouldn't grow as you need the real feel of despair, depression and all the emotional pain to get out strong out of this. So don't think about the "benefit" as it will only prolong the suffering.
     
    Last edited: Dec 16, 2019
    maximusthegreat, Dec 16, 2019
    maximusthegreat, Dec 16, 2019
    #6

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