Same shit, different year. VENTING. Any SO's relate? Any PA's understand?

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by fadedfidelity, May 17, 2019.

  1. fadedfidelity

    fadedfidelity Fapstronaut

    How long does one wait for their husband to give them the love language they need before moving on?? I gave up for a time and realized it just wasn't something he would do and I would have to go without it for the rest of my life. But why should I settle? Why stay unhappy until I die? It is such an easy thing to fix, but he does not.
    We have talked about it feverishly throughout the 20+ years since we have been together and I have been VERY BLUNT and honest without mincing words. This love language is THE MOST IMPORTANT to ME and to have him not following through again and again and again and again and again....I guess I should not be surprised.
    What is the point of begging or constantly asking for the love you need?? It's pathetic and I REFUSE to do it! Perhaps he really thinks that I am an ugly, fat, worthless, disgusting piece of shit and he just doesn't want to fake a compliment? Maybe I am a terrible mother and he hates me for not being able to do it all myself without frustration and without his "help"??
    I have had other people give me words of affirmation--men and women....so what gives? He used to give me words of affirmation, but that was 24 years ago when we first dated. Then good ol' porn took over and I haven't seen but maybe 1 or 2 words of generic "compliments" every 30-60 days. ("Oh, you cut your hair.", "You look nice", "You are so kind") That weak stuff is something you say to your mother!! It should be easy to do this daily. It's not gifts and it doesn't cost a cent!!
    Apparently, I am good enough to give him sex/O when he needs it and wants it and of course to make his nofap challenge MUCH EASIER for HIM, but god forbid he show ME affection with words!! I am sooooooo pissed right now and so done with holding my breath. I give him the love language he wants most and then not get mine in return! Is that love? Is that what a wife should expect from her husband? Right now, I am holding back and not giving him any of it this time--No physical touch or quality time for him. Maybe a little sting back will open his eyes?!? Revengeful? Maybe. Am I bitter? Hell yes!! Am I hurt? Beyond crushed.
     
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  2. 1dayattatime

    1dayattatime Fapstronaut

    First of all that is extremely unfair what he is doing to you. No one should have to go through this in a marriage. I have hurt my wife so much. I continue to need so much time to change. So much I have taken away from her. She thought she had a genuine loving marriage with something that was a little off and I blindsided her with this shit. I hope that your husband can get through his shame enough to hear you and act on your requests. I don't know where he is at, but I konw that for me, I had a really hard time saying things to my wife. In my addiction I would say whatever I thought people wanted to hear. My word became worthless. So now even if I want to say something I sometimes don't because I am afraid that she will snap back at me or tell me my words mean nothing. I am also afraid of saying things if I am not 100% certain. It is confusing when you have told so many lies. I have struggled to find a balance. Anyways I hope that he does the work required to get to a place where all the words coming from his mouth are honest ones. That is what I strive for and it has changed the way I think.
     
  3. In another 12 step program, Alanon,
    if I didn’t get what I wanted from my SO, we would say, “if you can’t get all your cake from one person, you can try to get small amounts from everyone else around you, in your support group and such, to make up that cake.”

    Hope you can find what you need, in small amounts maybe, as you find your strength.

    Hope you can find
    a mini-mom-cation soon, too.
     
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  4. Faceplanter

    Faceplanter Fapstronaut

    I find words of affection very (VERY) difficult, particularly ones that aren't grounded in the physical. My wife would like me to tell her how great she is 1000 different ways even (and maybe particularly) when she doesn't believe that herself. I KNOW her love language is primarily words of affirmation. I try to get some in but sometimes (many times) she needs to ask and I have no idea if I am doing it right because it is so not natural for me.

    Having to ask isn't a great feeling, but it's probably more the norm than not when the love languages don't meet up.

    He should be trying to add these into his day. It does get a little easier with constant practice. And, truth is that when I'm not getting my needs met, I don't think she is great in 1000 different ways, which does make it harder. That doesn't mean he thinks you are shit, it just means he doesn't think you are great and then doesn't know what to say.

    Something my wife and I do, off and on, is try to share gratefuls....little things or big things that we appreciate. It's a little more structured than just waiting for words of affirmation but (maybe) scratches the same itch. I would suggest giving that a try.

    I would also suggest that your husband try to call or text you with a compliment every day....so that coming up with the words isn't on the spot but you still hear something nice. I don't do that.....I should do that.

    I also find myself using words like "I'm proud of you for exercising (or other things)", "you are a great mom", and so on....not "you are so amazing", or "you are so awesome" etc.....I can't do the latter, it might be what she wants to hear but it sounds fake to me. As I have done a little better on the "inside" compliments, I have been able to add in the physical compliments too (which sounds like an issue unique to my situation).

    Just know that your husband isn't alone in sucking at giving words of affirmation and it does not mean he hates you. Also, when you first dated it's much easier to find those words....everything was new! What he thought was new and great then is the normal now....not bad, just the normal.
     
  5. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

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    Question does he withhold love in other ways? Some of us on NoFap discovered that not only did we have PA husbands but their primary addiction was Intimacy Anorexia where the addict is addicted to withholding love and intimacy. If you think that could describe your partner or want more info on it check out Doug Weiss
     
  6. JKnight

    JKnight Fapstronaut

    When I started my first real path to recovery, I confessed this dark secret to my wife. I was extremely committed to my recovery, but primarily my recovery over everything else. I feared for it for a long time, pent up with anxiety about whether or not I was recovering properly and whether or not the symptoms of that recovery were real and whether or not I would ever truly recover.

    One of the stupidest things that I did at that point, which made a lot of sense at the time, was to tell my wife that I wanted to take a step back from our relationship because I didn't have the headspace nor the emotional energy to work on both our relationship and my recover at the time. I didn't use her for sex and I went into hard mode for some time; we had some sort of compromise.

    After some time, I realised that working on my recovery with my wife, helped both my relationship and my recover and that the 2 weren't mutually exclusive. So I included her in my progress and recovery and our relationship picked up again. I was trusting her and being vulnerable and I guess she liked that and she saw how much effort I put into our relationship.

    I think the 2 can and should co-exist. The addiction is all about the self, any addiction is, but it's easier with a porn addiction, since it is about the self. Building a relationship is about the other. Focusing on another, means learning humility and putting someone else first, which is great for recovery. From what you wrote, he is not recovering, he is using you as a P-sub, which is dangerous and not good for you, his recovery, and your relationship. If this resonates with you, maybe consult with some of the other SOs about whether it's good to confront him and withhold sex until he is ready to truly recover. When he has decided that, you'll see a difference in the relationship.
     
  7. fadedfidelity

    fadedfidelity Fapstronaut

    So, there are a couple of changes these past 2 days to report. Interestingly enough, after writing my post, "Same shit, different year..." I went upstairs to bed and put his pillow and sleep clothes outside the bedroom door. (His hint that he was sleeping in the spare room in the basement again.) He asked what was wrong and I told him to read my post and perhaps that would enlighten him.

    Well, he read it. And then the next morning the very first thing he said to me was, "Good morning, beautiful!". WTF?! I mean, that is wonderful and what I was hoping for, but why did he start using my love language THIS TIME?! What was so different between this time and all the other times before?!
    He continued with the words of affirmation throughout the day with, "Those pants look really good on you.", "You do amazing work and I am proud of you", and "Hey pretty lady." (I made sure to say, "Thank you" after every time to help encourage him.)
    I fought back the desire to say what the hell took you so long to figure this out?! BUT I did manage to say, "I am surprised you know how to say those things!" He said he has known all along how to say it, but just didn't. BLOWS MY MIND.

    I am skeptical and guarded. Even though my heart skips a beat and I feel a smile on my face when his says those magical words of love, I can't let myself get vulnerable. I dare not feel too comfortable and let him get too close to me again just to get hurt. It has only been 2 days. BUT this is THE MOST he has EVER said to me when it comes to words of affirmation!!! I almost think my husband has been switched out with an imposter! Haha.
    I asked him what was different this time compared to all the other times I have talked to him about doing this. He couldn't tell me and wasn't sure...or didn't want to tell me the truth? I can't help but think the only reason he is actually following through this time is because I was holding out on him, and his needs were not getting met. Plus, he knows this time is the VERY LAST time he will get a chance to do right by me and improve the chance of our marriage to not end in divorce.
     
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  8. Just a thought...they've heard us tell them the same things hundreds of times, and it never seems to sink in. We can say how we feel, what we think, or tell them what we need, and it makes no difference. Yet, there are times when someone else could tell them the same thing we've been saying for years, and that time, they hear it, and it makes sense to them. In your situation, he wasn't told by someone else about your need for words of affirmation, but he wasn't 'hearing' it from you directly either because he read it in your post. So, since it was coming from a different source, maybe he was able to receive it differently? Perhaps a PA who understands this better can chime in and give us some explanation for why this happens.
     
  9. Faceplanter

    Faceplanter Fapstronaut

    I have no great insight but it's true that sometimes one more set of repeated words has a dramatically different effect.

    I'm trying to remember my (first) ahah moment.... It probably was due to not getting back to sex after baby #3, but it was obviously more than that too.

    I guess it was deciding to put my trust in my relationship to be strong enough, good enough to allow the PMO to be replaced. LOL, trust that was broken in my case, not worth weight of the words spoken, but it still changed ME and allowed me to later really make changes without the support from my wife I thought I needed.

    I'd say more often is when it comes from a different source. Like if your boss or pastor starts spilling their guts and talking about how they nearly lost everything in a similar situation.

    But reading it could be enough.

    I hope the kind words continue for you. I totally get that one day isn't enough to even begin to make you feel things are better.
     
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  10. samnf1990

    samnf1990 Fapstronaut

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    There seems to be a lot of hurt here and a strong emotional response to not getting enough of something. That, I'm sure, a lot of us PAs/ex-users of P can relate to. Since his love language is physical touch, or more specifically sex (or so you both seem to think: nobody needs only sex to feel loved) and you are making a conscious effort to meet his needs/wants/desires there, it is very clear when you are speaking that language. Sex is sex, and unambiguously so. Words of affirmation, on the other hand, can be, it seems, insufficient. Being told that you are kind, beautiful etc is to receive words of affirmation. There may be other 'weak shit' that he is communicating to you with the intention to speak your language and meet your needs. Perhaps he needs a little coaching into specifically what type of affirmations you are looking for.

    Do you think he is consciously avoiding giving you the sort of compliments and affirmations you require? Or is he still in the selfish mindset that P has locked him into over the years? If he is not really trying to meet your needs, then that is quite a large concern. If he is trying, but totally missing the mark when it comes to the affirmations/compliments, then it could be down to a number of reasons. As someone who is trying to remove P from their life, and to be less sexual/pornographic in their everyday thinking, it is possible that your partner is wary of paying you the sort of compliment that he would not give to his mother. If he is trying to show you your value to him more widely than his sexual attraction to you, then he may be avoiding paying you sexual compliments in a situation that is not already sexual, for fear of triggering your pain or appearing/behaving selfishly. The opposite is also possible: he may be paying you tons of compliments, but all of them sexual and thus lost on you as they are seen to be connected with his own desires and/or initiating sex.

    Obviously I've had to make assumptions above, and I don't know your specific journey/story. My biggest advice would be the same as if you were a PA freaking out about low sex frequency and worries that their partner does not care/isn't right for them/eventually the incompatibility will cause things to end: Reassess the situation when you are feeling less upset. Venting is useful for decompressing (and much healthier than other ways of trying to do this), but the things we say when venting are often exaggerated or desperate. Is the situation as bad as you felt it was when writing the post? Or were you simply right in the middle of those difficult emotions at the time? Secondly, are you sure that your partner knows how you feel? Have you communicated your feelings, your needs and your desires openly, clearly, and recently? We often want our partners to be everything we want, desire and need, to give us everything we want desire and need, without the need to ask for it. Sometimes we ask in subtle ways that they pick up on. Sometimes they do not pick up on our cues, or they misinterpret them as something else. Sometimes they simply do not understand how to give us what we say we want.

    Think about what was different twenty or so years ago when you felt like he was giving you plenty of words of affirmation, a lot of the time. Perhaps try to explain to him what was different. What about that time made you feel like your needs were met? Is it possible for your partner to provide you with that now?

    I hope some of my message is of some sort of use. As I said, I don't know your specific story so I don't know the levels of betrayal involved, or just how selfish the habit has caused your partner to become. It is, of course, possible that your partner is a selfish bastard and does not care enough about you to attend to your needs, but I think that is unlikely, and I hope for your sake that it is untrue. Men are stupid, and sometimes we need pretty detailed instructions for how to give you what you want.

    Good luck!
     
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