Sanitarium log

S

Sanitarium

Fapstronaut
Hi. I am going to keep this thread for my personal journal.

I am 41yo male. Married. 2 daughters (15 and 10 years old).
- Skinny weak boy at my childhood and puberty
- Phimosis (at my childhood)
- Premature ejaculation (during my life)
- Low self-esteem (generally)
- No talks about sex with parents
- Exploring sex via Porn on the Internet as a teenager
- Binge PMOing every now and then
- PMOing exacerbated in the past few years due to stress and other reasons

I believe my situation is not as bad compared to what I read here a lot on NoFap. Currently I am 10 days clean and my goal is no PMO till New Year. Going well so far, but it is just the beginning. My longest streak was around 1 month about 15 years ago. Can't remember of having wet dreams as a puber cause I masturbated now and then since I was 12 years old.

My strategy at the moment:
1. First and foremost - no more lies to my wife and to myself!
2. More sports (gym, football, excersises).
3. Less focus on sexualization.
4. No anxieties about progress on NoFap or any fails that may come along the road.

I have spent a few days reading a lot of useful information here, but I will hop in less frequently as my main goal is to live my life and improve its quality.

Thanks to all who have contributed so much to this community. If I find new tricks that can help my and others journey I will share them here. Have a nice day everyone.
 
Well, it's still going well. I have not had a single urge since my start here. I also quitted antidepressants at the same time. Watched a few erotic videos today just to check - looks like my libido is at zero. Might be due to quitting medication. Don't know if it is a good thing or bad thing, but at least the low libido helps me now to focus on important things in my life rather than just on my pen*s. I don't mind if it stick with me for some time. It doesn't make me anxious. I have "morning woods" every other morning so I expect things to improve anytime soon.
 
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Sanitarium (Welcome Home) said:
Well, it's still going well. I have not had a single urge since my start here. I also quitted antidepressants at the same time. Watched a few erotic videos today just to check - looks like my libido is at zero. Might be due to quitting medication. Don't know if it is a good thing or bad thing, but at least the low libido helps me now to focus on important things in my life rather than just on my pen*s. I don't mind if it stick with me for some time. It doesn't make me anxious. I have "morning woods" every other morning so I expect things to improve anytime soon.
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Curious but don’t you think watching that content is risky? Even to “test”. What if you got aroused? Was your partner on board with this test? I would feel it was yet another breach of trust.
 
Sad_wife said:
Curious but don’t you think watching that content is risky? Even to “test”. What if you got aroused? Was your partner on board with this test? I would feel it was yet another breach of trust.
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This absolutely is a breach. Every addict falls for this “ just to check”. What exactly are you checking? To see if you like erotica still? I mean would you tell an alcoholic to just take a drink to “ check?”. A drug addict to just take a hit to check? See how that sounds?
 
Sanitarium (Welcome Home) said:
Well, it's still going well. I have not had a single urge since my start here. I also quitted antidepressants at the same time. Watched a few erotic videos today just to check - looks like my libido is at zero. Might be due to quitting medication. Don't know if it is a good thing or bad thing, but at least the low libido helps me now to focus on important things in my life rather than just on my pen*s. I don't mind if it stick with me for some time. It doesn't make me anxious. I have "morning woods" every other morning so I expect things to improve anytime soon.
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Yeah it doesn’t seem like a good idea to do that. You’re possibly in a flatline stage. So low libido is normal! So it’s best not to tempt yourself to avoid any relapses.
 
stmos said:
Yeah it doesn’t seem like a good idea to do that. You’re possibly in a flatline stage. So low libido is normal! So it’s best not to tempt yourself to avoid any relapses.
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Thanks. I heard about this flatline a couple of times so far. I will search for it here on NoFap and read about it thoroughly.
 
Sanitarium (Welcome Home) said:
Oh, thank you both @Sad_wife and @Psalm27:1my light . Indeed that must have been stupid. Maybe the low libido made me a bit anxious which I tried to deny. Your words mean much to me. Thank you for sharing your opinions. I will be more cautious next time with such kind of thoughts.
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I totally get where you are coming from. Sometimes another perspective is all you need to realize the reality. For we all (all of us) will rationalize things/habits/thoughts. All of us. That is why this community is such a help for accountability and positive change in mental clarity. I am truly grateful to this community and everyone’s perspectives and on going stories of recovery.

PS don’t worry about the dip(flatline) of libido. It very much is normal and will return. The smallest things set my husband off now. And we had sex 2x last night! Probably triggered by extremely crass tash movies that were nearly P. But meh… I enjoyed myself.
 
Hi all,
Surprisingly I have not had any urges to watch P. But I have had urges to M. Yesterday M-urges became stronger. I don't even fantasize about sex. I do not get aroused. Very strange feeling. I feel a bit of discomfort inside of my body above the perineum. Can it be the prostate is inflamed? I feel an urge to release sperm, but have no sexual desire... Probably my attempt to watch erotic videos the day before yesterday served me bad. Just don't know what to do now. I feel like if I touch my genitalia I will cum almost immediately (I have had PE my whole life which made me anxious). I feel a bit anxious now. I do not want to ruin my progress, it's been going pretty well so far.
Any advice / support words please?

P.S.: additional info, I am also 15 day clean of SSRIs which I had been taking since March this year.
P.P.S.: there was no therapy-session this week with my therapist as she was sick (since not long ago I have 1 session fortnightly, before that it was every week).

P.P.P.S: I have not had intimacy for around a year. My wife says she has lost any interest in sex when I betrayed her another time with my secrets of PMOing and buying pills to prolong sex act. No chance I would ask for sex now. I have never had sex with anyone except for her. That was mostly because of my anxieties, but I would like to stick to this way now when I am confident about myself, because I value her very much and I think I have caused too much pain to her already. But I guess I still have to discuss the current situation with her. I wish I had a wet dream last night... Cannot concentrate on my work now :(
 
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Hi, you are doing good. The first 2 weeks can be a rollercoaster of emotions and insecurities. Don't fall for any of the excuses your mind is making up to relapse. They are all nonsense and have only one purpose: to make you relapse.

You have to go through the pains of withdrawal. There is no other way really. But it's worth it. Not only will your relationship with your wife benefit tremendously but also your feeling of self-esteem and security from living a life in accordance with your values and what you know is the right thing to do.
 
HeartOfTheOak said:
Hi, you are doing good. The first 2 weeks can be a rollercoaster of emotions and insecurities. Don't fall for any of the excuses your mind is making up to relapse. They are all nonsense and have only one purpose: to make you relapse.

You have to go through the pains of withdrawal. There is no other way really. But it's worth it. Not only will your relationship with your wife benefit tremendously but also your feeling of self-esteem and security from living a life in accordance with your values and what you know is the right thing to do.
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Hey, thanks for the reply!
Indeed, I managed to cope with my urges. What I did regarding the strange sensation - I massaged a bit the perineum without any sexual context (no pics/videos/fantasies). It made me forget about this sensation in a couple of hours. For the next 2 days I did not have those sensations.
I spent the weekend preety nice. Took my motorcycle for a ride (which I did just a couple of times this year). Trully enjoyed it. Played football/soccer. Finished reading two books: 1) Hold me tight; 2) I hear you (recommended by @Sad_wife, thanks for that!)
I feel very positive about my progress and pretty confident now. If I catch me on starting to think about bad-habits, I immediately remind myself of how foully and unfaithfully it is. I also remind myself how bad I would feel later and how good I feel now. I do not need this sh*t. I need my wife and kids. I want to be good for them. I want to be the BEST for them. And I love myself and do not want to treat me badly. (sorry for the caps and bold font)
Have a nice day everyone and thanks for the likes/feedback and your support.
 
Just a sidenote:
I enjoy reading books.... this smell of the paper and the ink while reading a new book contributes so much to the feeling of being present here and now
No sudden pop-up ads (as in case with YouTube)... I can hear the birds signing in the backyard... so cool

P.S.: looking forward to receiving two books I ordered by recommendations on this forum
 
Hi all.
My first small milestone - I'm more than 30 days clean. It's been going surprisingly very well. Reading helps a lot. I've got my copy of Worthy of her trust and been reading it for a couple of days. I'm not religious though, and the author appeals a lot to God, but I still enjoy reading and is going to finish it.
My best favorite so far is No More Mr Nice Guy by Dr. Glover. Many thanks to all of you who share experiences, give advice and say supportive words here. Love you all.
 
stmos said:
Well Thank you sir! I felt really down about this. I forgot to look at the fact that I found a way to make 25 days free. And instead only focused on the negative. Thank you I needed this.
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25 days is great. Sanitarium is right. If you stubble you can just get right back up. It gets easier and easier.
 
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