stmos
Fapstronaut
Thank you Sad_wife, I suppose things will get easier.
I just gotta take it a day at a time. I really should just focus on the victories I had.Sanitarium log
- Thread starter Sanitarium
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I just gotta take it a day at a time. I really should just focus on the victories I had.Sanitarium
Fapstronaut
33 DAYS clean
I wanted to share something with all of you friends.
In the night #20 I had a dream which I can barely remember, but there was something at the end of this dream which made me emotionally unstable. Before waking up, while in the dream I was in a small, but cosy and beautiful hall with white walls and columns. It seems to have been someone's wedding. I saw my wife in a beautiful white dress. There was one her female friend also in a very beautiful white dress. I guess they both were bridesmaids. I wanted to kiss my wife (just to remind you - we have not kissed, nor touched each other intimately for about a year so far). I approached her and began to lean towards her lips. She tried to avoid the kiss but eventually surrendered to it and was very responsive in kissing. I woke up with butterflies in my chest - something I have not experienced in many years to be honest. It was as if I were a teenager who had just felt in love for the first time. I did not tell it to her though. I wanted to discuss it with my therapiest first, I had a meeting just that day. At the evening the same day I wanted to share it with my wife. But at some point I did not manage to control my sudden anger towards my daughter when she did something I didn't expect. Then I shouted at my daughter and said bad words. I felt sorry later on. And it was something I had been doing in the past recent years - being very emotionally (angrily) explosive at very small things. However I used to manage much better just until this episode....
I guess I should have told my wife on the same day about the dream. I realize that I have become superior at suppressing my emotions. Except for one emotion - anger. When I suppress my emotions and hide my feelings - anger will find a way out of this closed box. And it will do it in the worst way where I become an enrage child who swears and finds nastiest words and hits hard and touches painful spots (thus acting very childish and completely immature).
I have yet to learn to share my emotions / feelings / thoughts and not put them in a closed box until the pressure inside this box reaches the big bang point and then this anger comes out...
I wanted to share something with all of you friends.
In the night #20 I had a dream which I can barely remember, but there was something at the end of this dream which made me emotionally unstable. Before waking up, while in the dream I was in a small, but cosy and beautiful hall with white walls and columns. It seems to have been someone's wedding. I saw my wife in a beautiful white dress. There was one her female friend also in a very beautiful white dress. I guess they both were bridesmaids. I wanted to kiss my wife (just to remind you - we have not kissed, nor touched each other intimately for about a year so far). I approached her and began to lean towards her lips. She tried to avoid the kiss but eventually surrendered to it and was very responsive in kissing. I woke up with butterflies in my chest - something I have not experienced in many years to be honest. It was as if I were a teenager who had just felt in love for the first time. I did not tell it to her though. I wanted to discuss it with my therapiest first, I had a meeting just that day. At the evening the same day I wanted to share it with my wife. But at some point I did not manage to control my sudden anger towards my daughter when she did something I didn't expect. Then I shouted at my daughter and said bad words. I felt sorry later on. And it was something I had been doing in the past recent years - being very emotionally (angrily) explosive at very small things. However I used to manage much better just until this episode....
I guess I should have told my wife on the same day about the dream. I realize that I have become superior at suppressing my emotions. Except for one emotion - anger. When I suppress my emotions and hide my feelings - anger will find a way out of this closed box. And it will do it in the worst way where I become an enrage child who swears and finds nastiest words and hits hard and touches painful spots (thus acting very childish and completely immature).
I have yet to learn to share my emotions / feelings / thoughts and not put them in a closed box until the pressure inside this box reaches the big bang point and then this anger comes out...
Insightful and very telling. I see so many things within this post.
First off what a powerful dream. To me it is inspirational. P helps hide/mask numb. Not just you penis and sexually feeling but most feelings. Anger and anxiety are amplified.
Which leads into your second part. Any suppression of feelings are easily transformed/ transferred or come out in anxiety or anger.
Such a beautiful dream why not share with your wife? It would make her feel loved and beautiful.
Also not quite sure on what you mean that you haven’t kissed. Was this dream of the past? Or do you all not touch? Kissing really helps with PIED.
Sanitarium
Fapstronaut
Literally we have not kissed or touched each other for almost a year. After the most recent revelation of my ongoing behavior about a year ago she just shutted down any emotional contact with me except for just chitchatting. She wanted to file a divorce. But we're in a complicated situation here. We're migrants from Central Asia in Europe. I'm on my work visa. She's dependant on my visa. As the kids are. Which I seemed to have exploited a bit at least with my bad behavior. We have a mortgage here. We cannot afford to leave separately in this foreign country. A divorce would mean we're going back to our home country which we both don't want. I still love her. I learn to love myself. I was afraid of losing her all the time since we met. I put her on pedestal. I have to learn to not be afraid of losing her now, cause I had actually already lost her. But I hope I can learn to build relationship in a different way where there's no one on pedestal. I learn to set my inner boundaries to make myself a valuable partner and not just a convenient body next to her, which I had made of myself.
I am very grateful to @Warfman for the recommendation of No More Mr Nice Guy book. I want to become a grown up male. Slowly, gradually. This male takes reasonable decisions but doesn't hide his feelings. And doesn't cross his own inner boundaries. And doesn't let others to do it either. I learn to respect myself. I learn to fix things that I broke instead of doing unlimited attempts to fix stuff for others.
I will share my dream eventually with my wife. I can see that she is becoming more open to me. She has been allowing me to put my head on her laps. I am just a bit afraid of being caught in the same loop again: she forgives me and I begin to behave as I used to. I don't want this dependency on her mood that I used to have. I learn to live my own life. I learn to serve myself in the first place. I learn to not manipulate in order to get what I want from her. I will share the dream with her once I feel I am strong enough to share it.
As one who it a wife effected PA please tell her. The sooner the better. You can even tell her you were unsure but another SO highly recommended doing so. It pains me that there is no intimacy by touch. That must hurt you both. Even if she want divorce. You are still married. There must be some hope unless this is not the only problem. With my x PMO was the least of my issues. Very dead last. In fact I welcomed his use as it meant he was leaving me alone. That is a dead marriage. That you issue bothers her leaves a glimmer of hope. You must take that step and be emotionally vulnerable. Tell her your feelings for her in a very raw way. Tell her your fears. Response may start slow. But trust me. This dream will heal a piece.
Sanitarium
Fapstronaut
Surprisingly coincidentally I am reading at the moment this page and realizing I had completely forgotten what True Intimacy is. PMOing made me completely numb. 3 weeks of abstaining unveiled the box with my feelings and it gifted me that dream. I should probably tell her today. Thank you @Sad_wife
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Looking forward to your update.
Psalm27:1my light
Fapstronaut
Intimacy-into me see. I loved this way of seeing it
Sanitarium
Fapstronaut
Day forty-something....
She said: "alright, now that I know you're not manipulating you can tell me". But I was not sure that I was not really manipulating. It is as if I cannot trust my own feelings at the moment. I've been also feeling somewhat "dead" inside recently. Don't understand my own emotions. Don't understand my needs. The only positive thing - no sexual drive at all. Although this very fact makes me a bit sad. Very confusing to be honest.... so will update you some days later. Tomorrow I have my therapist in the morning.
Wish you all stay strong.
Nothing to update yet.... still have not shared my dream with her, although made an attempt - I told her I had had a dream that triggered me emotionally, but if I told it to her - it could feel as me manipulating again...
She said: "alright, now that I know you're not manipulating you can tell me". But I was not sure that I was not really manipulating. It is as if I cannot trust my own feelings at the moment. I've been also feeling somewhat "dead" inside recently. Don't understand my own emotions. Don't understand my needs. The only positive thing - no sexual drive at all. Although this very fact makes me a bit sad. Very confusing to be honest.... so will update you some days later. Tomorrow I have my therapist in the morning.
Wish you all stay strong.
Psalm27:1my light
Fapstronaut
Very common to feel this way. And be prepared your sex drive will come back with a vengeance ( so dont go getting worried and test yourself)
Sanitarium
Fapstronaut
Thanks for all your replies, appreciate them very much.
Sanitarium
Fapstronaut
Now I have something to share.
I had a session with my therapist this morning. I cried there for the first time. Let me elaborate why.
This night I had a dream which I can barely remember again. But one thing stuck in my head - I kissed a young lady in that dream. It was a random person I do not even know. I also perceived myself as being in my 20s, so yet without my wife and the kids. I just craved for kissing someone. I didn't wake up after kissing this lady like it was in my dream with my wife. Also the kiss was emotionless, responsiveless...
In contrary, when I kissed my wife in my dream three(?) weeks ago I immediately woke up with butterflies in my chest.
I guess I re-learn my emotions and my feelings. On my way to the therapist I dropped my wife at their office and once she left the car my eyes started watering with no apparent reason. I was just feeling sad. When I came to the therapist 15 minutes later I was more or less fine. But when we started speaking and I told about my tonight's dream - my eyes got wet again. I asked for a cup of cappucino and wiped my eyes while the therapist served me my coffee.
I am home now. Doing my job (I have been working remotely in the past 4 years). The kids are in school/college. I feel sad. Not depressed though. Just sad. And a little bit lonely.
Have a nice day everyone.
I had a session with my therapist this morning. I cried there for the first time. Let me elaborate why.
This night I had a dream which I can barely remember again. But one thing stuck in my head - I kissed a young lady in that dream. It was a random person I do not even know. I also perceived myself as being in my 20s, so yet without my wife and the kids. I just craved for kissing someone. I didn't wake up after kissing this lady like it was in my dream with my wife. Also the kiss was emotionless, responsiveless...
In contrary, when I kissed my wife in my dream three(?) weeks ago I immediately woke up with butterflies in my chest.
I guess I re-learn my emotions and my feelings. On my way to the therapist I dropped my wife at their office and once she left the car my eyes started watering with no apparent reason. I was just feeling sad. When I came to the therapist 15 minutes later I was more or less fine. But when we started speaking and I told about my tonight's dream - my eyes got wet again. I asked for a cup of cappucino and wiped my eyes while the therapist served me my coffee.
I am home now. Doing my job (I have been working remotely in the past 4 years). The kids are in school/college. I feel sad. Not depressed though. Just sad. And a little bit lonely.
Have a nice day everyone.
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Psalm27:1my light
Fapstronaut
People forget. Addiction numbs you. So while it may help numb out sad feelings, or anxiety, it also numbs out, love, excitement, joy. As you get further into recovery you will be amazed out how your emotions show up. My husband cries a lot now. At simple pleasures and joy as well as sadness.
Sanitarium
Fapstronaut
I realize now that at some point in time (when I became a grown-up) I just prohibited me to feel sad. I used to be very sad and lonely in my childhood. But without real sadness - there seems to be no real joy. I also realize that I promised to myself to be strong, but without being weak you cannot be(come) strong. So I just stuck in the middle of nowhere. Neither sad, nor happy. Neither weak, nor strong. Just existing. A dead existance. No wonder I did not enjoy music as much as I did it when I was yonger. I did not smell odors as much I did it in my childhood. Even P did not bring me that excitement which I used to have from it when I was in my 20s-30s.
Surprisingly I am enjoying my sadness at this very moment. I listen to some good music and it resonates inside me as it used to do when I was in love with a girl in the high school but I was so low self-confident to approach her that I was left with just being sad about the entire situation. Feeling so alive though.
I know that feeling when you are feeling the feeling and being comfortable with it. I totally get that. Sometimess it even feels good to let the sadness flow through. Washing you clean almost. It’s when you feel stuck and suffocated with an emotion that it gets hard.
Good post. Keep feeling.
Sanitarium
Fapstronaut
Hey, @Sad_wife thanks for being here and for your support. I also wish you to stay strong during your challenging abstination period before IVF. Best wishes to your husband too!
Sanitarium
Fapstronaut
Hi friends,
I have kinda resetted. I'm gonna keep the counter though and change the goals. Let me explain.
Yesterday was my day #55 of no PMO. I failed with O. I did not watch P. I kinda M'ed if you can name it that way given my PE.
This morning I told my wife about this failure. I also finally told her about my dreams: 1) the one where I kissed her and 2) another one where I kissed a random lady. I did not ask her for anything though. We just switched to other topics afterwards.
I've got another insights about myself. I'm not going to wane. I am becoming stronger. I am becoming more self-confident.
I've lost interest in P. I realised what I really want is emotions, not sensations. P gave me a lot of sensations but zero emotions. I can't compensate loneliness with sensations. I have to fill myself with emotions. Without P I started enjoying music again. Music fills my body again as it was in my 20s. I went to a gig of one of my favorite bands last Friday and got an emotional orgasm there with the sound penetrating my body. Was so cool.
I am now considering to take photography class as I want to get back to that my old hobby.
Emotions are coming back slowly, as new (or revived old) goals appear. I feel pretty happy about that.
More updates to come later. Thanks all for reading my journal.
I have kinda resetted. I'm gonna keep the counter though and change the goals. Let me explain.
Yesterday was my day #55 of no PMO. I failed with O. I did not watch P. I kinda M'ed if you can name it that way given my PE.
So I was taking a shower while being alone at home. I wanted to get aroused honestly so I touched myself a bit. Given my lifetime long PE, I just "missed the moment" and ejaculated after about 1 minute of just touching (without even rubbing). Realised that I fucked up more than 50 days of abstaining, but surprisingly did not blame myself at all. There was no chaser effect, neither was an emotional swing afterwards.
This morning I told my wife about this failure. I also finally told her about my dreams: 1) the one where I kissed her and 2) another one where I kissed a random lady. I did not ask her for anything though. We just switched to other topics afterwards.
I've got another insights about myself. I'm not going to wane. I am becoming stronger. I am becoming more self-confident.
I've lost interest in P. I realised what I really want is emotions, not sensations. P gave me a lot of sensations but zero emotions. I can't compensate loneliness with sensations. I have to fill myself with emotions. Without P I started enjoying music again. Music fills my body again as it was in my 20s. I went to a gig of one of my favorite bands last Friday and got an emotional orgasm there with the sound penetrating my body. Was so cool.
I am now considering to take photography class as I want to get back to that my old hobby.
Emotions are coming back slowly, as new (or revived old) goals appear. I feel pretty happy about that.
More updates to come later. Thanks all for reading my journal.
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Sanitarium
Fapstronaut
just to keep it here for myself:
* I want to feel / experience emotions
* P = sensations, not emotions
* I want to be loved
* P and M do not bring me love
* I don't want to feel lonely
* P and M make me feel lonely
* I want to be happy
* all within our hands!
* I want to feel / experience emotions
* P = sensations, not emotions
* I want to be loved
* P and M do not bring me love
* I don't want to feel lonely
* P and M make me feel lonely
* I want to be happy
* all within our hands!
Sanitarium
Fapstronaut
2 days no PMO / 57 days no P
I thought about what had made me want to get aroused two days ago in the shower... I guess it's the loneliness... Have been sharing the same bedroom (even the same bed) and having no intimacy for more than a year. Am I lonely? Absolutely. Am I vulnerable? For sure. Am I pathetic? ...
I thought about what had made me want to get aroused two days ago in the shower... I guess it's the loneliness... Have been sharing the same bedroom (even the same bed) and having no intimacy for more than a year. Am I lonely? Absolutely. Am I vulnerable? For sure. Am I pathetic? ...
HeartOfTheOak
Fapstronaut
Hi Sanitarium,
You are not pathetic to answer the question. You are struggling as we all do and trying to get rid of this addiction. Being here, being open about it, being willing to change. This alone deserves applause!
I am also learning to have empathy with myself and let me suggest to you what someone said to me:
this addiction is not your fault.
It is or it was a coping mechanism and it was the best one you could come up with. Now, this is changing but change needs time and doesn't happen linear.
We are all dealing with loneliness. If anything, it makes you human.
You are not pathetic to answer the question. You are struggling as we all do and trying to get rid of this addiction. Being here, being open about it, being willing to change. This alone deserves applause!
I am also learning to have empathy with myself and let me suggest to you what someone said to me:
this addiction is not your fault.
It is or it was a coping mechanism and it was the best one you could come up with. Now, this is changing but change needs time and doesn't happen linear.
We are all dealing with loneliness. If anything, it makes you human.