scared of girls

Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by matt2k12, Apr 21, 2020.

  1. matt2k12

    matt2k12 Fapstronaut

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    what a topic title huh :D im not actually scared of girls but in a way i actually think i am

    so i met a pretty girl online and she asked me to hang out with her the next day, but i refused saying i was busy and she should give me her phone number if she wants to hook up another time.

    thing is, it was fine for me flirting with her but as soon as it would become real, ie a real meeting, i would get this anxiety. i was quite surprised, to not say overwhelmed, by it. i dont know whether its because of my last breakup which left me scattered and torn to pieces or because of my 20 year porn habit which kind of put me in this shell which im afraid to go out of. im naturally very confident and outgoing, also with girls, as long as its casual, but when it comes to being intimate or as in this particular matter just the idea of meeting someone with a romantic interest, i get this uncomfortable feeling, kind of an urge to run away..

    has anyone had experienced this, did anyone overcome this?

    my thought is that all of this is due to my old pmo habits and it all will be cured if i achieve long enough a streak.
     
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  2. MuscularSherlockHolmes

    MuscularSherlockHolmes Fapstronaut

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    You know... It's a good idea not to meet random girls you meet online. From ending up paying for her food to ending up on organ trade market, there are plenty of ways this could go wrong.

    Remember, not everyone is who they show they are online. So be super careful.
     
  3. matt2k12

    matt2k12 Fapstronaut

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    thanks for your input! i dont believe that the warning can be applied in my case though as we re in our twenties and live in the same town. but i do believe if i met her in person it would be a totally different and most importantly natural thing. maybe its just the idea of meeting someone from the internet that scares me..
     
  4. MuscularSherlockHolmes

    MuscularSherlockHolmes Fapstronaut

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    Well at least free food one applies to all cases. xD, I have had a few gullible friends down that road. Shame, they never seem to learn.
     
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  5. AKRO_5891

    AKRO_5891 Fapstronaut

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    I used to think dating around for free food was a joke on sitcoms. But apparently there are women out there that do it!
     
  6. Mr.Ron

    Mr.Ron Fapstronaut

    Yeah thats true went out on dates with many of them. I now i keep my first dates cheap and see what there about before i invest any money and its worked out well.
     
  7. AKRO_5891

    AKRO_5891 Fapstronaut

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    Great advice. Thanks!
     
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  8. J707

    J707 Fapstronaut

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    Honestly your counter says 4 days in so what I say do is get on a good streak. Completely cure your addiction and then see how hungry you feel when it comes to going out to see woman. I give you my word that after 30 days of retaining your seed, your male energy, you will not feel timid or afraid anymore. Let that be one of your reasons for doing this journey and let that be your beacon of light through the storm.
     
  9. Metis07

    Metis07 Fapstronaut

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    OP author is man or woman (as profile says)? I am confused o_O
     
  10. matt2k12

    matt2k12 Fapstronaut

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    thanks man! this is just what i needed to hear today! god bless
     
  11. matt2k12

    matt2k12 Fapstronaut

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    whoops. thanks for pointing that out :cool:
     
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  12. p1n1983

    p1n1983 Fapstronaut

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    Every relationship starts with casual dating, so you really never have to go out with a relationship in your mind. Just go out and have fun and see what happens.

    Yes, there are girls that prefer a free meal than staying at home alone. so it´s better to do cheap dates in the beginning to make sure she is into you for you and not you money.
     
  13. It's called approach anxiety. I am a weirdo who thinks that chasing girls during a reboot is a bad idea.

    The reason is because if I get the girl, then I end up with an O.

    Or, if I don't, then in the hopelessness of rejection, I turn to PM for comfort.




    Yes, a reboot will solve sex problems of all shapes and sizes. But the thing you want to do is build "value".

    That means pursuing important goals with your life.

    You need NoFap to get those things done.

    And what will happen is that if you pursue this course, a female will be there at the right time.

    So if you go out, chase women, rather than work on your goals,

    you are actually making yourself less appealing to girls.

    But if you "build value" for your life, by a career, fitness, education, etc,

    the arrival of the right girl will happen without any work.

    That's just how it is.
     
  14. pavloo91

    pavloo91 Fapstronaut

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    If you have a real addiction then merely going on a good streak will not solve the problem.

    That being said, having a good streak can give you a sense of pride which you can then use to fuel your actions, for instance going out with girls.
     
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  15. J707

    J707 Fapstronaut

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    We weren’t talking about addiction. I was posing a solution for him being timid and nervous around females, when you’re masturbsting you won’t feel good because you’re emptying all your energy and vitality out your body. Going on a streak fixes that
     
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  16. matt2k12

    matt2k12 Fapstronaut

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    I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for your post.

    I have been so long an addict, that I have lost my purpose.

    I have been struggling to find it ever since I started my nofap journey this year.

    And i can definitely say, that something is changing!

    this year i had a 7 week streak and I remember when i was in week 6 or so I had this thoughts such as "I am feeling for the first time alive since I was maybe 10 years old" or "all this years I have not really lived" or "now i am really living".. and I remember people would observe this change in character.. well they still do its just that I relapsed four times since then.

    I believe that if I manage the nofap challenge - and 90 days onward-, those thoughts will come back, and i will be transformed, and I WILL FIND MY PURPOSE.
     
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  17. ahighertruth

    ahighertruth Fapstronaut

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    at your age you shouldn't be scared of meeting girls online. you need to really commit to this nofap lifestyle. im telling you girls are not that important after a while. something with jacking off to people having sex messes with anxiety. a lot of science tends to ignore this, but theres so much anecdotal evidence to refute any possible reasoning against it. if i have kids they will never be allowed to watch porn and if i catch them its gonna be a serious talk as well as punishment. seriously, being a cuck is not something to be proud of.
     
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  18. pavloo91

    pavloo91 Fapstronaut

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    Sorry, I can't agree with you. You specifically said:
    Problems with PMO might be problems in and of themselves - e.g. you can't control yourself and watch porn late at night, as a result of which you are not productive the following day - but I think they are rather a symptom. Among other things, a symptom of problems with sexuality. Now when you address those, you will be able to get rid of your PMO problem (I don't claim that I'm 100% right here, please correct me if I'm wrong).

    That being said, abstaining is a good start because it allows you to get out of the hole you're in - with this I agree. Abstaining does give you more energy, I agree. However, if masturbation saps your energy, it does not necessarily mean that masturbation is intrinsically bad for you: it might be that you have problems with your sexuality. I don' say it's like that, but it might be beneficial to take a look at the entire PMO issue from that vantage point.

    One other thing - it might seem to be an off-topic, but it isn't. OP: you might be timid around girls because you have problems with your sexuality.

    I would say sure, getting out of your PMO habits can help you start solving your problems and improving your life. To me it sounds, though, that you have intimacy issues as well - why would you want to run away from intimate contact otherwise? I would say the best way to go would be to go to therapy.

    Please, guys, do not treat this streak thing as the Holy Grail of life - I've been there, I landed some long streaks, but I did not do much in other areas of my life, so my life did not improve much. A long streak is a good start, but it's exactly that - a good START. You have to put in work in other areas of your life to see some results and a good streak might give you energy to do this, but what you do with the energy - it all depends on you then.

    It might be a difficult pill to swallow, but it is what it is.
     
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  19. matt2k12

    matt2k12 Fapstronaut

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    Sure I have intimacy issues, but those are a result of my PMO habits. Cut the habits, cure the issues. Thats the logic. Don't believe it? Let's look at the facts:

    - What is intimacy? Let's define it as the ability to get real close to another person, either physically or spiritually.
    - I have/had a problem with that (remembering a situation with a girl last year). Why? Because I was afraid to do it. Why? Because I was ashamed of myself. I couldnt give of myself because I felt on the inside unworthy. This is how I saw myself. I hated myself for what I kept doing over and over..
    - What will happen if I stop PMO? I will no more be ashamed. I will feel self worth again. I will be able to give of myself to another person, because I will have that absolute certainty within myself of who I am and how much I am. This year I had a 7 week streak and it gave me a glimpse of the life that lies ahead..

    I agree that Nofap alone will not suffice. Thats why Im learning day in day out. I appreciate your inputs!
     
  20. pavloo91

    pavloo91 Fapstronaut

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    What if I told you that it's possible to approach the PMO issue from an entirely different perspective?

    One perspective would be that you shame yourself not to PMO - there is a premise that PMO is inherently bad. Therefore, if it's bad and you do it, you are bad. So you don't do it. But, mind you, the belief "I AM bad,not good enough etc." is the definition of shame.

    Another perspective would be that you do not think that PMO is inherently bad - sure, it has its drawbacks, but in and of itself indulging in it does not make you a bad person. Now you're in an entirely different situation: in this case you do not shame yourself not to PMO, but decide freely that you will not do it because it's detrimental to you - but without shame. And this is when you abstain because you truly want to improve, not because you shame yourself into it, i.e. positive motivation vs. negative motivation.

    What is more, this approach allows you to look at your PMO objectively: it allows you to accept, for instance, that PMO gives you joy, without shaming yourself for it, and now you can investigate WHY you feel joy when thinking about porn - and it would probably reveal some need of yours that is not being met properly. As a result, you get the knowledge of that need of yours, which you can then use to learn how to satisfy that need in a more healthy manner.

    You might ask: "alright, but does this mean that without that shame I can PMO my nights away and be OK about it?". The answer is: I don't know, but I wouldn't risk it. Besides, quiting porn does give you more time, energy etc. The only difference here is no shame that is hindering you in your quest to improve your life - and this is profound!

    To sum up: the activity of abstaining remains the same, but the intention behind it changes, and it makes a world of difference.

    Btw. congratulations on your streak!
     
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