Scared

I don't know what has happened to me. I am starting to become more and more scared that one of these days I am going to hurt myself. Ever since I came here to university I have been having more and more bad thoughts about myself and suicidal ones are popping up more and more often. While before it only happened once and instead I would just be too hard on myself it has started to turn into something worse.

I cannot listen to others talk about their accomplishments without directly comparing them to myself and thinking that I am utterly worthless, and that I should not be allowed around anyone. I feel like no one actually cares about me and those that say they do are only doing it because I have started saying this stuff. At my job yesterday I was telling my managers about this because I am very vulnerable and say what is on my mind even if it is something like that. Two policemen arrived and had me talk to a counselor on the phone. I just feel like I have wasted my entire life even though I am only 18. All of my friends have so many amazing qualities and abilities and all I have is my crappy art, crappy music, Spanish knowledge and I just feel so horrible. Like the sadness encapsulates me in its own little bubble that I cannot escape.

I have never self-harmed before but I have had ideas of killing myself, the only real thing preventing me from going through with this stuff is thinking of the pain. Even then I have all sorts of ideas. Shooting myself in the head at one of the bathrooms at work. Staying in my dorm room with no food or water for a couple of days. Texting all my friends goodbye before putting a bag over my head. I wish I could go back to when this stuff did not happen, and I do not know why it has increased like this. Why I care about certain things now that never mattered to me in the past. I do not even know how God feels about me. If He is disappointed. If He does not like me. I feel like I am a bad Christian for knowing His grace and yet I am like this. And because of my progressive views in religion I should not step inside a church. I cried talking to my grandma on the phone yesterday because I get anxiety about her being gone because I love her so much. She does not want me to go, no one does, I know all these things but I cannot bring myself to truly believe them.

All I do is make people around me concerned and uncomfortable. I know how much sadness would be brought onto other people if I did it. There are so many that would be so depressed to see me go. So many that count on me and genuinely like to talk to me. But I am just such a mess right now despite the fact that I have not relapsed recently. I don't know where to go. I don't want to die. But each and everyday it is becoming more appealing.