Scary Fantasies

The majority of the time, I only seem to be able to get aroused and experience an orgasm with another person when I am thinking about violently assaulting them, or someone else.

I'm not talking your standard chocking or spanking scene either, I mean cutting, stabbing, beating, blinding, bludgeoning or even raping them. I would not do it, obviously (or I wouldn't be here typing to you all, I'd be dead or in prison) but this is what gets me to orgasm, and without thinking about these things it is incredibly difficult - sometimes even impossible - for me to climax, and if I do somehow manage to climax without these thoughts, it is usually a rather under-whelming feeling.

I feel utterly disgusted at myself for this, and I don't enjoy that my mind needs to go to these places in order to have a fulfilling sexual experience with another person. It makes me feel ugly, and isn't representative of the person I want to be or try to present myself as.

I have been porn-free awhile, with the occasional unfortunate reset. I believe the feeling of sexual "enjoyment" (for want of a better word) from these thoughts does stem from when I used to be using porn frequently, and needed a bigger "hit" every time (like every addict) so ended up in some very dark corners of the internet, but any of my resets in recent months have come nowhere near to being as dark, and I am pretty much free from the all-consuming, over-powering addiction that once plagued me, so I am scared that this dark side of me is so deeply ingrained now that I won't properly recover.

I want to be a gentle and caring lover, to take my time with my partners and to love them how I believe they deserve, but I feel like everything I do on the outside is a lie, that there is this horrible, dark, "other" me that just wants to hurt them.

I want to believe I am a good person, but how can I when I need these thoughts to climax or even maintain an erection sometimes?

Are there any techniques that my fellow addicts know for avoiding these thoughts, and focusing more on the feeling of pleasure and love that is supposed to accompany good sex?

Is it possible that I am too broken to fully recover and have a wonderful, enjoyable and fulfilling sexual experience with another human?

Let me know any thoughts you have, I'm feeling pretty alone here with this monster that is myself.

xoxo

 

I don't know if I made it clear enough in my original post, but porn isn't an issue for me anymore, and hasn't been for several months (I am not sure on the specifics, my counter is set for my alcoholism as that is a more pressing concern now). My worry is that I am too deeply messed up that I can't experience sex in a way that is actually meaningful.

Therapy is free for under 25s in my country, and I have been seeing one, but I am no-closer to a solution than I was at the start, and I've been seeing them since march of this year.