Second Try

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by MrVaughn, Jun 25, 2018.

  1. I'm 51. Not had many long, successful or fulfilling relationships in the past, but met a great woman and it all became serious about six months ago. I work abroad, on a different continent from her, and was due to go home for three weeks in April. So we planned to have a weekend in bed.

    It was great, except for my DE. This, I now realise, had been a problem for me in previous intimate relationships. For that session, and a couple of other tries, I couldn't ejaculate. I was trying hard. So was she. But nothing doing. I did it manually to neither of our satisfaction. After that, I was back at my foreign work for a month and then due to be back home at the beginning of June.

    In the interim, I realised something had to change. After some internet search, I came across a version of the nofap message, and it seemed like a good idea, so I started trying it immediately.

    After about 9 days of no PMO, going it alone, I thought I was going mad. I'd got out of the habit of using my phone for porn, and put on SafeSearch and other delaying tactics, but my own mind was the "threat". I couldn't stop fantasising. Over the years, particularly the last 10 where I've been living alone, I'd developed some vivid extended fantasies based on some of the more graphic stuff I'd viewed online, and it was pestering me at any moment my brain wasn't engaged in something else. Finding nofap helped calm me and counsel me.

    But I kept going - 9, 12, 14, 21, 30 days. At times my abdomen ached and I felt like I could barely stand up straight. I did a lot of exercise and tried to keep active. I messaged my girlfriend about what I was doing and she agreed it was a good idea.

    Back home again in June, after a month of nofap, our first attempt was poor. I'd had a few drinks beforehand, and that didn't help. But I was unhappy afterwards and I knew she was. But I'd booked a salsa class the next night, which she was pleased with, and it was good fun, although my blue balls were practically visible.

    After a second salsa session, we tried again (I was sober and not hungover) and I managed to ejaculate perfectly. We were both so happy. And we managed two more intimate sessions after that, both of which worked out to the same successful conclusion.

    Funnily, the salsa really helped. She's Latin American; I'm Celtic - the session enabled me to actually confront my reserve, my tendency to treat women as objects and keep them distant. It was pure foreplay.

    Unfortunately, before returning to work, I had a five-day lads trip, involving a lot of alcohol and male bonding. I could feel my brain reverting to its fap state - fantasies, objectifying women, and a yearning for porn.

    Arriving back in my foreign workplace last week, I relapsed three times to porn on my mobile phone. But then I resolved to try again. I've got six months before my next home visit, so time to do 90 days twice, although I'd be happy if it's just once. I now know about nofap and can use its resources and your support to push on to an effective reboot, I hope.

    I got some interesting feedback from my girlfriend. In the first few (failed) attempts at sex, she said that she could actually feel that at a particular moment it seemed like I mentally "switched off". Actually, I think that was the moment I was trying to channel the porn images from my brain to coax me on, trying to imagine her in some situation rather than just accepting her presence.

    After our last successful lovemaking, she was aware that it hadn't been as good as the previous two. I knew that it was because of the alcohol and the alcohol-induced fantasising, especially during hangover. She tapped my forehead and said: "Concentrate".

    She has a point. The porn is a massive distraction from reality and the generous love of an amazing woman. It's even in my brain distracting me from the inside. But I'm going to fight it.

    Four days now, and counting...
     
  2. Really excellent post all around. Thank you. I'm similar in age to you and found that related to a LOT of what you experienced.

    It's great that you've included her in what you are doing. And the moment that she recognized you as "switching off" is right on. That's what we have a tendency to do and the fact that it was recognized is important. Regardless of where you are a year from now, remember that as we get older, our sex sessions may not be 100% satisfactory. There are a lot of things that can interfere with them being perfect or even successful. The most important thing is that we are keeping our minds 100% clean and not reverting to fantasizing. I think you recognize that completely.

    Stopping it isn't always easy. I might suggest that if either of you recognizes that withdrawal that you pause or stop until you can get back on track. If you can't get back on track, then that's fine. I'm sure that neither of you wants to continue when you aren't present. But if you let you know that "I want to be with you. I don't like it when my mind goes astray and I'm not always immediately cognizant of it. So I appreciate you helping me stay focused." Having her as a willing partner in that particular fight is important and helpful and really shows that she is interested in your getting better. After all, she has something to gain from it as well, which is good, healthy sex.

    Regardless of how many days you have on your current streak, remember that as long as you are aware and taking action, you are constantly improving. Some get frustrated after going good for 30 days, then having a relapse. I personally consider 30 out of 31 days to be pretty damn good. And what you did right for 30 days certainly does have long term benefits. To put it succinctly: Fail better. Learn from where you fall short and implement strategies to prevent that from happening again.

    Sounds like you have a winner in your girlfriend. Good luck and peace to you both.
     
    MrVaughn likes this.
  3. Thanks! I really appreciate that reply. I'm realising how much PMO and MO in general has kept me from genuine intimacy over the years on a subconscious level.

    This woman is very direct; there's no play-acting. I really want to be someone who's worth her continued attention!

    The first month helped me enormously. I am sure if I can carry on and better that number of days on the second try, things will continue to improve.
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  4. Hi. Welcome to forum!

    Make sure you create a personal journal thread in Reboot Logs section and blog there on a regular basis. As well as just generally be active participant in various forum discussions. I recommend this to everybody new here because it's the major thing that helped me when I was first starting. Just lurking on forums, reading and learning is great. But it usually is so much more powerful to engage. It helps to keep us motivated and accountable when we are active part of community. And keeps this in front of our minds so we don't forget about importance of it and slip away in our old habits. Sharing is also therapeutic. This is a major reason why AA meetings work so good. But that was developed before internet era. These days we can get most of the same benefits online through communities like this. So don't underestimate the power of active participation.

    I would also like to suggest you to look into mindfulness meditation. It has helped me personally tremendously to learn how to deal with urges and triggers. It takes a while to get good at it and notice results, so you need to be consistent with it, but once you do it's very powerful. It has been used by sages for thousands of years to deal with various issues of the mind. And in recent decades the science is also catching up to what ancient sages have know for centuries. Meditation these days are widely used as very effective tool by psychologists for treating addiction and by neurologists for supporting recovery of the brain after physical injury. Plus it is generally a great exercise for the brain the same way as jogging is great exercise for the body.

    You gotta make sure it is proper mindfulness meditation though. "Mindfulness" meditation where we just focus on breath is more like a concentration meditation instead. It works too but differently and not as powerfully in my experience. Real mindfulness meditation however trains you to accept your urges by understanding the nature of them by observing them, not just suppress them by concentrating on something else instead. It makes you comfortable with them. And once you accept and become comfortable with them there is no need to get rid of them, so there is no need to PMO. Only reason why we PMO is because that urge, that itch in our crotch is uncomfortable, we wanna get rid of it. And then after PMO we have our release. Or we simply want pleasure. And inability to have that pleasure makes us uncomfortable. But if we accept that we can not have pleasure then resistance is gone and there is no reason to PMO.

    Acceptance and mindfulness is the key. Check out this Ted talk on acceptance and mindfulness practice, it gives a good idea of what's it's about when it comes to philosophy. The mindfulness practice as described by psychologist in a the video can be used by itself but ideally should be used as supplementation to your daily sitting meditation. Sitting meditation I personally practice and recommend to people is as explained by meditation expert in this YouTube playlist. If you don't like the monk or want other method there is this awesome smartphone app called Headspace for guided meditations.

    Wish you lot's of strength and success in your reboot journey!
     
    MrVaughn likes this.
  5. Thanks!

    I'll do the reboot log definitely. I want to track what I experience day by day because I noticed a few things on my first attempt, but didn't make a note of them.

    I'll also have a look at mindfulness too. Been thinking about it and nibbling around the edges for a while. So I'll properly explore it this time.
     
    Deleted Account likes this.

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