Seeking advice: new to nofap, how to talk to my partner about porn use?

Yup if you think 5 minutes of missionary with lots of eye contact is what you want then definitely don't say you want to be fucked like a porn star . Sticking with the facts of the case and emphasizing how neither of you seem to be liking the sex a lot should do the trick.

I can say after my first reboot and about 2 months of rewiring, I could barely contain myself to more than 5 minutes of medium pace, soft missionary sex. All I wanted to do was feel her and move with her. The more I did it the better I felt. Easier orgasms and more connection is definitely something you should expect after a well done reboot.

You may not see an issue with this atm, but you may not even know if there is one! Through years of PMO, I never experienced and actual full erection from sexual arousal until I was 20 years old! My entire life I had been getting at most 8/10 erections. The only way I can describe the change in sensation is like so: before NoFap, boners felt like a standard hot dog was taped right below my pubes, but after my first reboot, boners felt like I had a standard construction shovel glued to the bottom of my gooch. Literally night and day. Before NoFap my boners felt as hard as my biceps when flexing, but after my reboot, boners felt like literal concrete.

You both could be in for a big surprise in terms of hardness, engorgement, and even a change in the size of his penis after his reboot!

PS-If he has trouble cumming and needs a lot of stimulation, it's almost guaranteed he's not getting 100% boners. The benefit of having harder, longer erections can be another way to convince him to do a reboot.

 

Unfortunately, addiction can make people nasty. It is well possible that this might happen. If it does, though, he's not ready to be in a relationship with you. No person deserves to share their partner with porn, because she is a jealous wench and will not accept second place.

I've seen addicts come to NoFap in two ways. Most discover a physical problem and link it to P, like the founder Alex Rhodes did, or they have a moral objection but found themselves addicted anyway, and they come here willingly. The minority are those whose SO figured out the P problem. Those who come on their own have to find a way to disclose their problem, and their effort to fix it, to their SO. There's typically a lot of trauma, some anger, and those SOs struggle very hard to understand what is going on, the nature of the addiction, etc. The SOs who drag their addict in kicking and screaming are usually much like yourself; very forgiving and eager to educate themselves. The irony is, those bastards have no idea how good they have it, and often spend a season resenting their SO for making them confront their addiction.
If a couple is going to survive an addiction, it doesn't matter which type they were; both parties in the relationship have to agree to love one another and work through it together.

I am told there are couples that watch P together and it's great and sunshine and roses, but I've never seen it. Maybe it's because I hang out here, but all I've seen is P wrecking and destroying relationships. I don't want that part of me to be valued or loved or accepted, I want it destroyed, gone.

There are a couple different things to try. First he'd have to get diagnosed, which is absurdly easy. If he does have it there are a couple different medications he could try and they do help reduce urges. Some use bio/neural feedback (I actually don't know what that is, ask @Psalm27:1my light , and some choose to simply be aware and actively work on coping mechanisms. Most adult ADHD people have already developed lots of coping mechanisms, whether they are aware or not, and addiction is often one that went awry.

I mean, not really. All it says is I spent a lot of time writing a lot of words. There's no guarantee it's any good. Believe me, I've read my share of books that aren't. That said, I have spent an inordinate amount of time and money studying fiction, and if I'm not delusional which is always a strong possibility, it's a decent one.

Good luck on all your endeavors; talking to your SO, writing your things, all that

 

Smart!

 

My husband had de from the minute we married (23yr old). He could O, but I remember thinking “ is it supposed to take this long?” He had de until 45 at which point he got pied for 5 years. Around 50/51ish I discovered porn could be an addiction and showed him where /what I had found. We both started counseling. He started saa groups. He went through a lot of withdrawals for 4-6 months, for the first time in our marriage he not only got rid of pied but no longer had de either. His dick got noticeable bigger at around a year, and it looked so much healthier ( color wise) and it became velvet soft! Things I never knew. My husband had many physical changes but huge dramatic changes in his personality. He has been working recover for 2 1/2 years. He’s had relapses, when he does it affects everything.

 

By the time I discovered it was an addiction we had been married for decades. So when I showed it to him he just sat and listened and then we talked about it. Had I tried to talk to him when we were first married, I think his reaction would have been far different. How did I approach the subject? Lol, I’m very blunt and straightforward, I don’t hide or pull punches I just say what I’m thinking. He had walked into our hotel room and I word vomited 6 hours of research into porn addiction and betrayal trauma and ended with “ I made a counseling appointment for myself, you can do whatever you want with the information but I’m getting help for me.”
Then we had a 5 hour drive back home and I continued to bombard him with everything I’d read. Lol. He couldn’t escape the car. I wouldn’t shut up. He loved me enough to listen. I went to my counseling appointment the next week then took him the following week. Then he started counseling and started going to group meetings. To be honest, he had been trying to quit our entire marriage, so when I told him everything it made sense to him. Unfortunately I’m more like a bull in a China shop, I had all this new information that could help my husband so it never occurred to me to tip toe around the subject, in spite of the fact that my husband was also very, very ashamed.

 

My husband couldn’t care less what I share on an anonymous forum, but he was very upset that I shared with a counselor and my pastor, so I guess that breach of trust really depends on the person. Again this is completely anonymous, every single thing on here could be made up for all you know. Please show me where talking about your problems is a sin in the Bible? Or is it only because we are talking about sex and your warped views think that shouldn’t be talked about? Sex was a gift from God. Not sone dirty secret.

 

My first reboot was 80-90 days on a very strict hardmode. I did not seek anything that would arouse me except the presence of my girlfriend, and I did not allow her sexually stimulate me in any way (obviously on my penis/balls, but also anywhere/anything sensual). Around the 80 day mark we decided when I was in the mood to have sex we would try it, which happened around day 84ish.

The 3 months of rewiring after my reboot had 3 main phases, each lasting about a month.

In the first phase, though I was aroused by my girlfriend, attempting PIV sex felt very biological, awkward, and not super pleasurable. I did not have the best boners, and orgasm did not feel crazy good, more like sneezing or pooping. This is common because your brain's sex centers have been wiped clean, and don't know to be really aroused by putting your dick in a cute lady. Orgasms are also very hard to control, happening anywhere from 2 minutes to 20. My advice for this phase is to stick to missionary and horizontal doggystyle during sex; even if the penis isn't 100% hard, it's very easy to thrust and keep the penis inserted in these positions. Since it's been a while without stimulation for him, he might not be getting spontaneous boners or feel aroused by your presence, so he may take a little "warming up" to get it up again. I suggest during the first few months of rewiring to only have PIV sex, no oral for him, so that he rewires to the sensations of a mutual activity; you don't want him only able to finish from BJs. Have sex when you want to, do what feels good, and stop when he finishes or doesn't feel pleasure anymore. There's no need to try and force orgasms; if he doesn't cum, he doesn't cum. Enjoy the time.

In the next phase, the penis becomes increasingly harder until it literally feels like a bone, sex starts to feel fantastic, and orgasms usually happen within 3-5 minutes. In this phase it's good to try out more exotic positions, like putting your legs on his shoulders, doggystyle, sex standing up, etc. It's likely from years of PMO that his "dick muscles" are not able to keep him erect in every position, especially standing ones, so if his erection decreases, just stick to missionary and horizontal doggystyle. Encourage him to do what feels good for him, no matter how quickly he cums. The better it feels and the more he finishes, the more his brain becomes rewired to sex, which is exactly what we want. Tell him to not worry about cumming fast if he worries about you; he needs to be fixed, and can get you off with oral if you need to. Tell him to not flex his dick muscles, and just let the contractions happen naturally. If he's inspective, he'll start to notice what positions/angles/sensations/speeds really set him off and make him cum. He'll also start to notice the pleasurable contractions that precede orgasm. This leads us to...

The final phase, in which he has rewired his brain to sex with you, but also has control over his arousal cycle, allowing him to last longer but still feel pleasure the whole way through sex. After 3 months of rewiring, the sex felt fantastic, but I could also mostly control my orgasms to the point where I could cum in 3 minutes or 20 minutes with negligible changes in thrusting. At this point I could begin focusing on my gf and her pleasure, which helps mine even more.

I will say that at this time, I was 20 years old, I was very fit, and I have more testosterone than the average guy. it could take longer for your husband to rewire, but the end results are usually the same. Always just do what feels good, don't stop what feels good, and stop if it feels bad. Stick to just PIV for him during the rewire. Enjoy him and make sure he enjoys you.

 

Well, my husband is sporadically on this forum, knows my user name, and is welcome to refute anything that I’ve written. I do not talk behind his back. I think in the end we run into problems with others because we refuse to face them and be open and honest. Some people may drop counseling because they don’t like what they hear, many people won’t even go to counseling because they are afraid of what they will hear, but some actually go to learn and better themselves.

Unfortunately not everyone can afford counseling. Where I’m at it’s $150 an hour.
On top of the fact that many flat out won’t go to counseling. Some people don’t want/fear to know the truth, some people do and most of us probably fall somewhere in between. I agree, I’ve never been to a counselor who said one of us was totally wrong and the other totally right. I will say this, no amount of marriage counseling will help a relationship while one of you is deep in addiction or abusive and will not stop. Once that behavior is stopped and the addict in recovery then you can focus on relational recovery. I think people come here who have no idea where else to go or can’t afford a counselor. I joined when my husband started recovery, he knew I joined, I encouraged him to join and he knows everything I talk about, I do not talk behind his back. He knows my user name and can read anything or chime in any time he wants. I do think couples should be honest but I don’t think we are “ bound” by marriage not to talk about our issues. I would never talk to his family for instance. That would be a betrayal to him and I know it. It would also only serve to humiliate him and I would not do that either.

 

Not at all. Hugging, kissing, cuddling, and other forms of intimate touching are not only allowed, they are highly encouraged. Actions like cuddling and hugging release hormones that calm down the brain's sexual reward centers, easing up the reboot. Additionally, these actions get his mind more comfortable with your body, making sex after the reboot more comfortable and familiar. Sleeping in the same bed is ok.

You should not touch his penis, balls, perineum, anus, nipples, or any other area or action that provides sexual stimulation or release. While these are not porn or masturbation, they keep the neurons wired to porn and masturbation "refreshed", allowing them to stick around longer, which we do not want. PIV sex, oral sex, and HJs are obvious no-nos. Grinding on him and other actions that put pressure on the penis should be avoided. Anything that you would consider foreplay on him should be avoided. Basically just don't do anything remotely in the realm of getting him off. He may get aroused by simply cuddling or smelling you, which is totally find, just don't push him farther. Let him relax and just stick to the plan. Besides stimulation, you shouldn't do anything that would get him especially horny, even if it's a positive sexual activity. This mean's no stripteases, no wearing sexy underwear around him, no wearing scantily clad clothes around the house. His mind needs to rest, so let him rest. You'll have plenty of time to do the fun stuff when he's healed.

I suggest looking at this article from YBOP, as well as everything under the "Rebooting with a Partner" group in the FAQs:

What stimuli must I avoid during my reboot (did I relapse)?

Porn FAQs

Yep the "do what feels good, stop when it feels bad" is definitely for both of you after your rewire period (even though that should be a pretty normal sex rule haha). I meant it more for him, since multiple times during my rewire I either lost my erection or the sensations weren't great anymore. At that point you just stop, not worry about it, and continue with your day. If whatever he is doing doesn't feel good for you then you should definitely stop as well. During the rewire period whatever he does leaves a pretty lasting imprint, and we want that imprint to be from positive sexual experiences, not negative ones.

When you start the rewire, talk to him about being the moment, paying attention to you, and focusing on both of your bodies. He should not be thinking about porn or anything else at all during sex. Tell him to look in your eyes. Start off in missionary around the first 15 times, and only switch to other positions when he is finishing in a normal timeframe and you are sure he feels in the moment.