Seeking advice

Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by Admonius, May 16, 2020.

  1. Admonius

    Admonius Fapstronaut

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    So I met someone a while back and the stars aligned for us to start dating. I’m seeing her next weekend and, if I’m honest, I feel scared. I’m excited and nervous as well yet this is different.

    I have had a history of dating women who I become infatuated with. Usually resulting in my liking them when they are either just wanting friendship or not interested in me. This time around I had someone ask me out and be interested in me. I ran her messages by someone I trust and she told me it’s obvious that she likes me.

    I’m writing here because I feel petrified, nervous, anxious and excited. I don’t know what to do or how to go forward whilst being in recovery.

    If anyone has some advice or words of reassurance, I would appreciate it greatly.
     
  2. elevate

    elevate Fapstronaut

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    You're already way too attached to the outcome. That desperation / compulsive need / feeling of lack / reaching for something or someone to complete you will lead to self sabotage. It will lead to thoughts, feelings, and behavior that's based in forcing, fixing, needing, convincing, and chasing. You'll become paranoid and fearful. Walking on eggshells trying not to do or say the wrong thing. Even if you gain some sort of success with this mindset, it will only reinforce all of these toxic concepts.

    The only thing you can do is your current best. To engage with her to the best of your ability and to accept the outcome as it is. What you're trying to do is to be able to do something beyond your best (aka becoming someone who you're not to impress someone in a manner that you assume would like you for). If you have to convince or manipulate someone into being interested in you, you will have to keep that paranoid and fearful charade for the rest of your relationship together. That also leads to self hate and self abuse because essentially you're rejecting yourself.

    You're resisting the fact that not everyone is going to be interested in you just as you're not going to be interested in everyone. The fact there's no guarantees in life. That going after your desires might not work out in your favor. This fantasy / delusion that you can control someone that has a different set of circumstances / interests / upbringing than you into being interested in you as a guarantee doesn't exist in reality. That's what's causing your anxiety. You're not accepting reality for what it is. You're resisting the possible emotional volatility you might experience before anything has even happened.

    You think that by trying to do better than your best that you'll increase your odds, but it really decreases it because you only end up getting in your own way. You cause yourself to second guess / hesitate / excessive caution and carefulness / play not to lose rather than engaging with her in a natural way and seeing what happens.

    Until you stop trying to defend yourself from a possible negative experience, you'll continue to feel this paranoia / anxiety / fear and continue to sabotage your chances.

    Willingly accept all possibilities. Accept that the date could turn our horrible. Accept that she might not like you. Accept that things might not work out. Accept that the date could turn out great. That she's interested in you. That things work out better than expected. That's reality... both positive and negative possibilities. Things like porn creates a delusion in people's minds that they can have all the positive without any risks of the negative. If you want a relationship, you have to want to pay the costs as well.

    As for this woman, you're only seeing the upsides of being with her and none of the downsides causing way too much importance. You've already placed her above you before getting to know her on a date. You'll only try to relate to the fantasy of her rather than being able to relate to her as an actual person with flaws. Everything you do will stink of "please like me" and hesitation to express yourself authentically.

    Live in reality. Where there's no guarantees. Even while knowing that things might not work out, would you still go on this date? Risks are a natural part of life. Avoiding them only leads to a lack of self worth and delusional thinking.

    You'll have to learn this lesson at some point. Hopefully sooner than later.

    Good luck.
     
    Metis07 and Admonius like this.
  3. Admonius

    Admonius Fapstronaut

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    I have to admit that this is exactly what I needed to read. I felt my reaction like a kick to the guts.

    Thanks so much for this man!
     
  4. elevate

    elevate Fapstronaut

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    You're welcome.

    I hope that you can put it into practice and really ingrain it into yourself. It took me a very long time to learn that lesson through a lot of heartbreaking relationships.

    Being interested in someone can turn really dark when you're coming from a place of "I need something or someone to complete me or escape my self hatred". You become jealous, possessive, manipulative, and controlling.

    For a very long time my ego didn't want to accept that the possibility that the people I was interested in wouldn't like me back. So I put in a lot of effort and when it didn't work... I doubled down on that effort... but that road ends badly for both parties.

    Ego equals effort. Pure intention is natural. The possibilities of mistakes / failure / rejection are natural.

    When I finally got things right and started to develop self love is when I found the right people. Authentic expression should be polarizing. It should repel those that don't like who you are and attract those that like who you are. Ego wants to be liked by everyone. Which causes you to be censored, hidden, and paranoid.

    Have an attitude of "this is me... if you like, then come play... otherwise, I'll go find someone who wants to play with me."
     
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  5. p1n1983

    p1n1983 Fapstronaut

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    You need to change your mentality. You already put her in a pedestal and now you have the need to impress her to make her like you more. You are in fear it ends the way it always ends with woman for you, in the friendzone.
    Turn it around and go out to know her and see if you like her, if you both have a good time with each other and figure out if she like you back. Go for the kiss at the end of the night if you like her and see what she does, if she give you the cheeck don't waste your time/money on a 2nd date, she is probably not interested in you or she have a bunch of rules to follow, or she is not ready to date and follow what she feels she wants to do.
     
    Admonius likes this.
  6. Admonius

    Admonius Fapstronaut

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    You both are 100% correct and it’s the reality slap that I have needed
     
  7. Shivy490

    Shivy490 Fapstronaut

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    My best advice : get rejected by girls, multiple times.

    You attach too much importance to the outcome.

    The only way to heal from this need for validation is to be rejected so that you understand that rejection is not negative. You're trying to control what you can't control. Stop avoiding rejection and failure. Because it's inevitable. You can't get along with every girl. So you might as well just be yourself and express yourself for who you really are.

    And meditate, it will help you because if you go on a date and you're too anxious and stressed out, you will do and Say thing you will regret afterwards and you won't be able to express yourself fully and have fun.

    I failed more than 10 dates last year believe me i know what ite feels like to not being able to enjoy a date with a girl. But it's all about questioning and learnings

    Good Luck !
     
    Last edited: May 19, 2020 at 6:48 PM
  8. Admonius

    Admonius Fapstronaut

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    You are 100% right. I’ve hid myself away from dating and meeting women. I’ve been scared to fail and not have that control. There are other things below that have driven that but it’s 100% correct.
    I’ve got some serious work to do and time to step out of this mindset
     
  9. Admonius

    Admonius Fapstronaut

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    So I took all of the advice from above and reflected on it. I realised that’s why a lot of my relationships have failed and why I have never been that present.
    So I turned the dialogue around into “I’m having drinks with her this weekend.” I worked to stay out of my own head and stay present. It was hard work. No expectations or ideals but seeing her as who she is.
    If it doesn’t work out that’s fine. I’ll strive to start getting out there and dating again
     

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