This is a question for recovering PA’s and SO’s of PA’s. My wife, who is still very much hurting from my problems and behaviors has a tendency to make shame inducing comments fairly regularly. Some comments include “Y’all suck” while referring to men and the challenges we face. Others could simply be reminding me of the times I have failed in the past at an area I am trying to improve on regarding something totally unrelated to my addiction. Sometimes its expressing doubt in my ability to change despite the fact that I have changed so much and there is much evidence of it. I know she is hurting and her journey of healing is far from over, and I am okay with that. I am trying to figure out to what degree I should just take it and to what degree I should lead in this area and let her know that these comments are actually super discouraging and hurtful. They make it much more difficult to overcome my proclivity to distance myself from her instead of pursuing her. She’ll be the first to admit that she still struggles with disgust and intense anger towards me. She knows its wrong but will also admit that she feels contempt for any pain I feel in the healing process matters because it cant possibly come close to the pain she has felt. This only feeds into a very broken part of me that struggles to believe what I need, feel or want actually matters (and a lifetime of abuses from others that tell me that what I need, feel or want doesn’t matter). Need some guidance on this one. I choose to lead my wife, love her, pursue her, take care of her despite the intense anxiety, self hatred and depression I often feel overwhelmed by in this journey. I have just felt very discouraged as of late about it all, and looking for the perspective of others who have been through this and are further along.