Seeking validation- challenges

Discussion in 'Self Improvement' started by twistedshadows23, Sep 6, 2019.

  1. twistedshadows23

    twistedshadows23 Fapstronaut

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    So since I've been doing therapy and practicing mindfulness I've noticed a big reason why I go through long periods of feeling awful. I am constantly seeking validation from others to fill an emptiness I feel inside. I feel inadequate and like I'm not good at anything or even like I'm not a good person if I don't constantly have people telling me otherwise. Has anyone dealt with what I'm talking about before? Can anyone offer advice?
     
  2. My advice would be: You already noticed it and are Aware of it, that's a huge step! It will take quite some time to completely heal from that but you are on the Right way and it will become better. Ask yourself as often as possible (don't let it consume you though) 'Why am I doing this?' 'Is it to please someone?' 'Who am I trying to please?' 'Does it feel ok for me if I do it, even though I want to please someone with that?' 'Do I want to do something else instead?'
     
  3. elevate

    elevate Fapstronaut

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    External validation never lasts. You'll always be in a state of needing more of it. Think of it like being a flashlight (artificial light) and the validation of others are the batteries you need. As opposed to being the light (like the sun) that is self sufficient and self validating.

    Do more things you're proud of no matter what the outcome is to build up self respect / love / validation.
     
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  4. A41:14A

    A41:14A Fapstronaut

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    Always :emoji_100: "on point" with your advice bud.. appreciate your insights (as always)
     
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  5. twistedshadows23

    twistedshadows23 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you man! I’ll try that
     
  6. twistedshadows23

    twistedshadows23 Fapstronaut

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    Yea it’s just like an addiction! It looks so promising and I feel like I need it to survive almost. So you’re saying I should cultivate my own self respect even if I can’t avoid seeking validation along the way?
     
  7. elevate

    elevate Fapstronaut

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    Seeking external validation via acting in a way that you think others will like you for (manipulation / compromising / convincing others to be interested in you) is the easy and more comfortable path, but in the long term it becomes an uncomfortable problem because you end up relying on it and eventually you're not expressing yourself honestly anymore.

    Developing self validation is more difficult and uncomfortable in the short term, but you're rewarded more in the long term. Instead of coming from a place of forcing, needing, and convincing which drains your energy and the energy of others... you'll build a space for attraction / appreciation / gratitude / honest self expression. It's up to others whether or not they want to join you, but either way you're enjoying being in your own company and living the life that makes you proud.

    You can't find the right people who resonate with who you really are if you're busy trying to get everyone to validate you which leads to non authentic behavior. You can't express yourself honestly if you don't believe in who you are and need external validation.

    Find ways to develop self validation. Think of things that will make you proud. Not based on outcomes, but based on the behavior itself.

    Example = Maybe interacting with a stranger will make you proud for trying and conditioning your social skills even if the stranger didn't want anything to do with you. Maybe trying a dance class makes you proud for having the courage to expand beyond your current comfort zone / skills / experience / confidence even if you end up looking absolutely clumsy at first.

    The bigger the obstacles, the bigger the rewards. Don't settle for the easy way out. It might feel good in the short term, but you're sacrificing your desired long term outcomes. You've already experienced this. That's why you're here asking for help on it. Sacrifice short term emotions for the sake of long term outcomes. Sacrifice external validation in the short term for the sake of long term self validation which eventually leads to more people rejecting you, but also more of the right people resonating with your honest self expression.
     
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  8. elevate

    elevate Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for the external validation!

    It's a much appreciated bonus. It's the cherry on top of my self validated cake.

    :)
     
  9. backlashx

    backlashx Fapstronaut

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    I was noticing the same exact thing during the early days of meditation. I don't know if it's true, but there might be some levels of consciousness that we can elevate if we regularly practice mindfulness. Just like there's higher levels of intelligence, there might be higher levels of consciousness. Once you move up the ladder, you might be able to subconsciously appreciate the little things and habits that you do everyday in order to forge a better human being and ignore the unnecessary criticism that's filled with judgement and potential insecurities being projected on to you by others. When you realize that the most successful people in this world had the most flaws, it's only the next step that you firmly ground yourself with things that truly matter. I wish you the best
     
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  10. Tibo87

    Tibo87 Fapstronaut

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    +1

    Spend as much time as possible doing things that you love, even by yourself at the beginning. Create a habit of only doing things for you, that pleases you.
     
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  11. twistedshadows23

    twistedshadows23 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you man. I totally believe we can evolve our levels of consciousness. I like to call it getting yourself back. Once you step back from all your mental noise you can be more at peace and make better choices for yourself.
     
  12. twistedshadows23

    twistedshadows23 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for the advice!
     
  13. lolos

    lolos Fapstronaut

    The trick isn't to accept who you are now, it is to become someone you are comfortable with being.
     
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