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Seen From the Other Side

Discussion in 'Success Stories' started by Kedvesem, Sep 13, 2014.

  1. Kedvesem

    Kedvesem Fapstronaut

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    My husband wrote his story up in this forum, and I thought it fitting to add just a little bit from my perspective on this.

    I grew up in a devoutly Protestant home, in a missionary's family, in fact. I grew up all over the world, and when it came time to go to university, I went to a couple of different ones (including one here in Japan) before settling into one in the US in my junior year.

    And there I met Mark. I cannot explain the way that my soul recognized him at once. I loved him from the moment we met, but as I rarely used my heart, it took me a little while to notice I had lost it to him.

    When he asked me to marry him, I accepted with alacrity. I knew at that point only that his past had been painful and possibly even abusive, but he did not tell me more at that time. I accepted that about him. I knew a little about his pornography use (though not really much about his masturbation). It saddened me. It hurt me. But I hoped that once we were having sex, it would stop. (It did not, of course.)

    So we were married. I swore myself to him, for better or for worse. Just because the worse became the worst, it did not invalidate my oath.

    Years passed, and I knew there was some coldness in the very center of my darling. But I loved him, for himself and not for what he could do for me. We had three children when he went completely off the rails.

    And I went to hell. You see, I loved him. To be betrayed by the one whom I loved was an agony for which I have no words. I knew what was happening. I always knew, and the lies he told were themselves a suffering. One of his guy friends at the time tried to tell me what was going on, but I refused to let him continue. I did not want to be told when my husband would not admit to me himself. But I knew already, so I appreciated the effort on the friend's part. Until, of course, I realized that this "friend" was in love with me himself.

    One thing that is sometimes glossed over, or not even realized, in the pornography/masturbation cycle and even more in the infidelity, is that the betrayed partner is going to be hit hard with temptations, too, temptations to infidelity. It is hard to convey to those who have not experienced it how the spending of one's manhood at the altar of other women, digital and real, undercuts the self-worth of a woman. It is possible to understand that these actions "have nothing to do with" the wife, but that is only partially true. It is true that the woman is not the cause or root of it, nor is it caused by a failing in her, but she is injured by it. So in that respect, it does have to do with her.

    Now, as it happens, I did not respond to my husband's actions by cheating myself. This, too, was love. My heart is, and always has been, cold to any other aside from my darling.

    In this period, we entered the Catholic Church. My family was ... not pleased. My mother still has not quite forgiven me, and it's been nine years. This, however, was the difference between life and death for me. The graces God gave me through His Church kept me going. St. Joseph was the best friend I had.

    So I loved my darling always, regardless of his actions, regardless of my own feelings on the matter.

    When the pain became so great that I could not endure it, all I could do was pray. I kept everything to myself, confiding only in my confessor, and I prayed. My greatest temptations were to leave, to run from the pain.

    I chose to stay. Why? Not for our children, though I knew that it would benefit them. No, it was for my darling's own sake. I knew that, without me, he would have no hope of coming back to the light. I knew what had become of the others who had grown up in that household (as at long last he had told me of all that had happened in his past), and I knew I was the only thing standing between him and an end like theirs.

    As the years passed, I knew that there would be a heavy reckoning for his actions. So I prayed that any suffering I could spare him, anything that I could endure in his place, would fall on me. I did not want him to suffer, and I did my best to wrap his bleeding soul within the walls of my love. I had sworn to love him. I had done that of my own will, and there was nothing he could do to destroy my love. I did not think that there would ever be hope, though. I did not think that anything would change as long as I lived.

    And then I saw the stirrings of life in his long-dead heart. I did not really trust what I saw, but that was immaterial, of course. I was still there, still waiting for him, and when he opened his eyes to what his life had been for the past eight years, it was hard -- for him. His love for me blossomed, and it was not easy to see what he had done.

    It was that that God used to help my darling overcome the deep-seated hold pornography and masturbation had on him. They had informed his mind. They had colored his views on sex and on women.

    Now they do not.

    We live in perfect peace and harmony, and our love grows daily.

    We are living proof of miracles.
     
  2. APCIA

    APCIA Fapstronaut

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    cheers,
    I wish I'll find a supportive wife like you
     
  3. Vision

    Vision Fapstronaut

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    Wow.

    There is a true love in this world.

    I'm deeply moved.
     
  4. hopepeacelove

    hopepeacelove Fapstronaut

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    THANK YOU for sharing your story! You restored my faith in love, marriage, humanity, possibly even God. I'm thankful that I got the opportunity to read this as a teenager. Before this, I was deeply confused, disheartened, when I saw that everyone around me esp in school seemed to have fleeting romantic affairs.. I was starting to lose my perspective on morals and love.

    Also,I now, at last, have found a genuine female perspective on masturbation and pornography. It is so obvious in Mark's posts that he loves you so much and vice-versa. I feel really happy for the both of you!

    -hopepeacelove
     
  5. You guys are the kind of story I dream of. Seriously. I'm sorry if I sound like I try to lessen the pain you've both felt or the hard moments. No, I think that it is what makes your story one of the most beautiful stories I've ever heard. Life always wins over death. Love always win. You're giving a tiny French girl with lots and lots of issues a mountain of hope. God's real. I get a proof everyday and today the proof definitely is you guys. You two are beaming so hard it resonates from Japan to London.

    I saw in Mark's post that you wrote several books together; may I ask if there is one talking more insightfully about your story, and if yes where to purchase it? I'd also be interested if you had some books regarding religion.

    I'd like to add that it's interesting that you talk about Saint Joseph. I heard several times about how powerful his devotion is and I tend to forget it. I most definitely add more of Saint Joseph in my life.

    That's it, I'm tearing up. I wish you the best of lives, for you and your beautiful family. I'm intensely grateful for God to have planted such a seed of Truth in your husband's heart. Oh boy. This is so beautiful. Crocodile tears.
     
  6. jmark

    jmark Banned

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    My darling, my love, thank you for loving me. Thank you for saving me!
     
  7. Kedvesem

    Kedvesem Fapstronaut

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    My love is always yours, and if God has allowed me to be of some help and support to you, darling, then what more can I desire of life?
     
  8. Kedvesem

    Kedvesem Fapstronaut

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    Our books are fiction novels, so that won't be much help! :)

    As for St. Joseph, it is impossible to overestimate his influence and his kindness. He is loved by our whole household, and the results of devotion to him have been spectacular.
     
  9. nopenotdoinit!

    nopenotdoinit! Fapstronaut

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    Beautiful and uplifting. I feel as though I should thank you for this story.
     
  10. Thank you very much for your answer ^_^

    Have the best day!
     
  11. vr002sh

    vr002sh Fapstronaut

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    A very powerful story. You are in my prayers. God's power is wonderful. What I find interesting is that God never promises to fix our hearts (they are broken beyond repair), he promises to give us a new heart.

    I have just begun the road to recovery. I have found an AP and have shared my terrible secrets with him, that alone seems to have broken the stranglehold that p (has) I mean had on me.

    Your story provides me great hope.
     
  12. martinh

    martinh Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for sharing your story.

    Is so inspiring.

    Could you please explain a little bit about what you found in Catholic Church that helped to endure this situation?

    I identificate with you because I've been prostestant for almost 20 years. I'm 33 years old. But always that I've passed tough times in life I always look for a catholic church to find peace.
     
  13. ###

    ### Fapstronaut

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    Kedvesem,

    Thank you for sharing your story. I read Mark's story and he went through hell as a child. I pray he is given the grace to never return to the prison house of addiction again.

    I have a question regarding your view of a wife's role in marriage. I know it's not intentional on your part, but in some places in your share, it sounds like you are playing God for Mark. Referring to his family, you say "I knew I was the only thing standing between him and an end like theirs." If you're Catholic, though, isn't it God, not you, standing between him and a fate like theirs? In one of his posts, Mark referred to you as "savior." I know that is just an expression but in the posts of you both, it seems like you have always been trying to take all of the consequences of Mark's sins on yourself, which is Jesus' job.

    Maybe that's what a wife is supposed to do. I don't know. That's why I'd like to hear your take on it. If Mark is a true addict, God forbid, relapse is always a possibility. I've known men free from sexual acting out for 2, 4, 8, and even 20 years who have relapsed. Is there anything Mark could do at this point that would cause you to seek support and help for yourself and your family instead of always sacrificing yourself and your family for Mark?
     
  14. Committer

    Committer Fapstronaut

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    Wauw! There is just a moment of silence in me after reading this.
    I want to react, I want to say that I am happy for you two and the children.
    But not many words come to mind, it stays pretty still.
     
  15. So encouraging!! I pray that I would love my wife like that, that God would give me strength for such affection and commitment, and would fill me with Christ's love.
     
  16. Kedvesem

    Kedvesem Fapstronaut

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    What I found in the Catholic Church was the sacraments. The graces available to us through the sacraments, particularly the Eucharist and Confession, were vital to me in the dark times when suicide seemed vastly preferable to my life. The Real Presence of Christ in the Eucharist is the heart of all the peace He gives.

    Also, the prayer support in the Church Triumphant is unparalleled. No one prays like St. Joseph. His kindness to me I will never forget. When there was no one in the world to whom I could turn, I turned to St. Joseph for support, to help me in my prayers. And God answered.

    Actually, as a Catholic I understand that Jesus' role was to take upon Himself the eternal punishment due to our sins. He paid what we as humans could never pay. But there are also the temporal consequences of sin, and those we must pay ourselves -- or find someone who will pay them for us.

    I could not, as a human, forgive my husband for the wrongs he did to God. Only God could do that. But I could forgive -- and in fact offered to bear the consequences for -- the wrongs my husband did to me. As far as I am concerned, he is unaccused of any wrongs done to me. As the blood of Abel cried out to God from the ground, the wrongs we as humans do to one another have their effects, and in justice they are answered.


    Firstly, I did not sacrifice my family for Mark. To this day, our children are unaware of any difficulties in our marriage. Why? Because not only did I not make confidants of my children (always inappropriate), I did not ever speak badly of my husband to them. Though in his dark times my husband neglected us all, the children included, what would leaving him have improved on that score? Would it have made him a more attentive father? No. So I simply buckled down and held everything together on my own, with God's grace.

    I did sacrifice myself. Yes. I would do it again were it required of me.

    Now, to understand why I did so to the degree I did, I must explain a bit about what the Church teaches concerning marriage and what I have required of myself.

    The Church teaches that marriage is indissoluble. Once married, a man and woman are married until one or the other of them dies. The Church does not require that one spouse stay with the other when the circumstances of conjugal life are rendered intolerable. In those circumstances, the injured spouse may leave and live apart, but said spouse must continue to consider himself married and behave accordingly. (No dating, no "remarriage", no inappropriate intimacies with the opposite sex, etc.)

    Now, this "intolerable" is actually much harder to reach than just "It's hard" or "He doesn't appreciate me". In fact, one is supposed to receive the approval of one's bishop before leaving, though in cases of immediate necessity, one may leave first and approach the bishop afterward.

    However, adultery does reach the level of "intolerable" by the Church's standards. One is not required to continue conjugal life with an adulterous spouse. One may leave and live apart (though still considering oneself married, even if a divorce is necessary for legal protection).

    So, to sum up, I knew the Church did not require me to stay with my husband. His repeated adulteries were sufficient warrant for me to live apart, which, I knew, would have been much, much easier than staying, where every day was a fresh re-opening of wounds. But here is where the bearing the temporal consequences of my husband's sins comes in. I knew that God would not, given the teachings of His Church, fault me for leaving. But then my actions, like the blood of Abel, would cry to God for vengeance against my husband.

    I love my husband. I swore an oath to him to be his wife, of course, but given his adulteries, that could have been fulfilled even by living apart, so long as I lived chastely as a married woman.

    If I had done that, though, I knew what would happen to my darling. He would have continued down his path of adultery, of indiscriminate casual sex. He would have continued to disbelieve in love, and he would have gone on abusing himself and breaking his marriage oath. I knew, by this time, what his childhood had been. I had seen the terror on his face when I had first discovered proof of his adultery and he was convinced I would leave him. Horror overwhelmed him, and blood started to pour from his nose. He was terrified.

    I could protect him even from himself, and the cost would be only my own heart's blood. The first inkling he gave me, which was before we were married, of what he had gone through as a child, though only vague, was enough for me to swear to myself that I would love him more than he had been hated. He had been hated quite a lot, as you have read, so the love necessary to outdo that hate would be enormous.

    The others who grew up in that house now live shattered lives. Adultery has been rampant among them; one of the girls became a crack-smoking stripper. They are all divorced. If I had left my husband, he would have gone further down that road.

    You see, God uses us. He uses humans to do His will. Yes, of course, Jesus is the only means of eternal salvation. God has done for us what we could not have done for ourselves. He died for us, but He has left us to be Christ to one another. He placed me in my husband's life to show His love. If I had failed, then that failure would have been real and would have had real, eternal consequences for my husband and for myself.

    How was a man who, as a boy had learned only hate, had learned only that those who ought to love him (like his mother) would abandon him, to believe that God, whom he could not see, would love him?

    Do you recall the story of the conversion of St. Paul, where Jesus appeared to him personally? Yes, that does not often happen, and even then St. Paul was sent to Ananias of Damascus to be prayed for. Had Ananias failed to do that, had he failed to pray for St. Paul's sight to be restored, what do you think would have been the outcome? Ananias' prayer was the "proof" so to speak, of God's grace to St. Paul.

    So, I suppose, what I would say is the duty of a wife is to keep her marriage oath, to love, honor, obey. To support her husband in his life. My husband is the King in his home, and he has always been honored as such, even when he was leaving the throne vacant. Emasculation and nagging, unkindness and disrespect, those are never appropriate or acceptable.

    I hope that cleared things up a bit.
     
  17. Kedvesem

    Kedvesem Fapstronaut

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    And now it's time to say good-bye. My darling has been banned, and I don't stick around places where he isn't. If anyone needs to talk to my husband about anything related to things we've discussed on this forum, please email him. I'm sorry to say that I do not privately correspond with men, so please, if you're male, do not try to contact me in this way. If you're a woman and need to talk, please contact me.

    May you all find success in your struggles. And God be with you!
     
  18. ###

    ### Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for the clarification. Good luck to you, Mark, and the family.
     
  19. not2late

    not2late Fapstronaut

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    Good luck Mark and Kedvesem. Thank you for sharing your story. It gave me hope where I had little.
     
  20. jasonshi

    jasonshi New Fapstronaut

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    Thank you so much. I see god in you.
     

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