Self-Destruction

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by thatsingleindividual#K-13, Mar 23, 2019.

  1. thatsingleindividual#K-13

    thatsingleindividual#K-13 Fapstronaut

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    Guys, I just did it again.
    I looked up porn with willful intent and masturbated to it. I've been apart of Nofap for about three weeks and I've given in about three times thus far.
    Here's the thing I've noticed and I'm finding it disturbing.
    I am looking up the porn in the sense, it feels like I'm doing it out of self-hatred.
    I don't do it for the porn, I don't do it for the masturbation, I do it because of this sense of self-animosity. I know I'm going to hate myself after I'm done. I know I'm going to regret what I'm going to do. But instead, I just look it up and then afterwards, I feel so horrible. I feel so numb.
    I feel like it is out of self-hatred but why? I am destroying myself, doing harm to God and all things implied.
    I feel as if I'm deliberately sending myself to hell (you can take that figuratively or literally).
    Why am I doing it so deliberately.
     
  2. Infrasapiens

    Infrasapiens Fapstronaut

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    Do not use self-hatred as an excuse to watch pornography. If what you want is hurt yourself, then go watch the Emoji Movie or something of the sort.
     
  3. thatsingleindividual#K-13

    thatsingleindividual#K-13 Fapstronaut

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    Yeah, I've been told that's a really bad film. Really, really, really, really bad. Who would get someone like Patrick Stewart to voice a Poop Emoji? That is just sad.
     
  4. Infrasapiens

    Infrasapiens Fapstronaut

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    He was casted as a joke.
     
  5. Tijn

    Tijn Fapstronaut

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    Sounds very familiar. It's like a second person in your head that takes control over you, and only let's go when the deed is done. Just so that afterwards, he can laugh and spit in your face.
    I'm dealing with the same thing, I don't have much advice I can give you sadly because i'm still trying to figure this out just like you are. But just wanted to let you know you're not alone in this. Stay strong!
     
  6. thatsingleindividual#K-13

    thatsingleindividual#K-13 Fapstronaut

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    Even a little sympathy can go a long way.....
    You give a great description of what I'm going through.
     

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