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Self improvement needed before relationship can heal

Discussion in 'Self Improvement' started by Pete001, Feb 7, 2017.

  1. Pete001

    Pete001 Fapstronaut

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    My wife and I have just been told by our relationship councillor that they cannot help us because of the issues, including my use if P and the devastating impact this has had on my wife, until we each do some work on our individual issues. For me this will involve my use of P, my childish and selfish behaviours and other obstacles that have prevented me from being the husband, father and the man I want to be. I have begun writing 'a plan to change' to identify things I can change now, things that will have to wait - but I will eventually change and things I need to leave behind. If anyone has done something similar I would welcome your comments on what went well, what didn't work and whether this has made a real difference to you in terms of your self improvement.
     
  2. GeoffUK

    GeoffUK Guest

    A therapist hasn't told me to do this, but your words reflect something that I too feel and I am therefore trying to do the work to help myself, although I do believe that I need support - so I am making an increasing effort to talk to my wife and include her, to tell her my fears and worries, my successes and failures and to generally be more open. I suspect you'll need support too as I don't believe you can overcome these challenges on your own.

    The one thing I've learnt is that things cannot change overnight. But having an idea of who I want to be, the kind of behaviours I want to exhibit and so on is very powerful. The more vivid the image, the better.

    The 'plan to change' sounds great, but I think you need accountability, which is where the support comes in. Change comes in small steps, that's what I'm learning. It takes a while but you must stick at it.
     
  3. PostiveChange1974

    PostiveChange1974 Fapstronaut

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    It sounds like you each will need to get your own therapist at this point. (which isn't that uncommon).

    Real change does take time. You can't rush it, and it can make you feel worse, but its not about tomorrow, next week. It's about what will I be next year, and the year after that. I've learned that fitness and social group goals.

    It's also important that your change be about something you truly want, and something you really believe can be accomplished. Changing because you think it will make someone else happy never works.

    A real plan and goal needs to have two things to start (why do I want to do this? and What am I going to do?) you can start with either first (what then why, or why then what). Both are important, because it reflects your state of mind, and in the moments of doubt, when you question if you should stick to it, you can answer (why!). The 'what' can change over time, as you will most likely have to change the plan when you learn new things, or try things and find they don't work. You may also find the why changes, because the way you thought about things matures, or you're not as unhappy.

    It's sad to say, but this was my thoughts 2 years ago (as best as I can remember them).

    - Why do I want to change?
    - I feel unattractive, my wife shows me no desire, and I don't feel any other woman even looks at me
    - I feel lonely, don't have any fun, and feel uncomfortable around people
    - I'm not happy

    - What am I going to do?
    - I will loose weight and become muscular
    - I will make friends
    - I will go to the doctor to see if he thinks I need anti-depressants
    - I will start going to bed on time

    From there, the question is what is stopping me?
    - I don't know how
    - I lack confidence
    - I think the doctor will think I'm stupid, and it makes me uncomfortable to talk about how unhappy I am
    - Going to bed on time leave me bored and restless

    How will I acquire what I need or overcome what is stopping me?
    - I will get a personal trainer
    - I will get a fitbit to track my activities
    - I will join a social group site for people in my local area (I'll have my wife help me so I won't be alone and overcome with shyness)
    - I will go to doc
    - I will get some melatonin to see if it will help me get to sleep on more regular schedules

    When will I do this?
    - I will work out on mondays, wednesdays, fridays
    - I'll join the social site now, and go to a local even wednesday
    - I'll buy my fitbit on payday
    - I will go to doc this afternoon
    - I'll by melatonin at grocery store tonight
     

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